Hello

You may or may not have noticed that me or Cecil haven’t written a blog post in quite some time. There is a very good reason for this. We couldn’t find a pen! Since August 2015 our house has been void of a pen!

‘But your blog is digital and thus you wouldn’t need a pen to write on a computer’ I hear you scream.

Yes I realise that now, smart arse. But for some reason we thought we needed a pen to write a blog. I’m sure we wrote one out on paper once and scanned it in, but I might have dreamt that. Actually I must have dreamt that because after I scanned it Dame Thora Hird wriggled out from under the sofa with a cream cracker in her mouth, she came at me wanting me to eat it in a sexual way like in lady and the tramp with the spaghetti. I woke up before our lips touched and I had a great deal of my pillow in my mouth!

So why am I writing a blog post now? Well I’m not going to tell you now because I’m really hungry, I don’t know why I started writing this when it’s Bovril time. I shall be right back!

Hello again. It’s now 48 minutes later and after a Bovril frenzy I am ready to work my powerful fingers. So again, why am I writing a blog post now? Because we got a letter from a charity and it came with a tiny pen, which got me thinking ‘oh I probably should write a blog post now we have a pen’.

The other day I found my father self-harming! I don’t want to alarm anyone but what I saw has shocked and upset me greatly! He was sat in his arm chair not only watching but also laughing at ITV’s loose woman! I instantly burst into tears, I asked him why he was hurting himself in such a degrading way. He told me to shut up, he thought it was really insightful and the woman were funny and a little sexy. I left the room crying. He’s apparently a feminist now because there’s a chance his ex-wife might want to get back together with him. She’s horrible, I mean literally, her maiden name was ‘Horrible. But she’s also a nasty sack of grumpiness! She’s left Dad twice, once to live in Spain with Pedro and now she has been shacked up with Clive.

So it’s loose women every day and looking at pictures of kittens on an evening because he thinks that’s what it will take to win her back. Like she’s a prize, a booby prize maybe.

What else has happened since August? I had a nice ham sandwich in January. It had mustard in and some kind of strong cheese! Err what else? Hasn’t it been damp recently? Non stop rain for ages eh. Crazy weather!

What else, what else?

The new star wars was good!

Umm

I’ve taken to having an afternoon look out of the window, I don’t think I’ve left the house since Christmas! I have no call to the world holds nothing for me!

I sound quite downbeat, but I’m not. I’m not anything, just a big void of empty nothingness. I knew this would happen if Dad got back together with Mum. All my other ‘friends’ have abandoned me to their respective partners. Maybe I should look for a mate! Pah fat chance, the only women that look at me are the ones on tv and they don’t maintain eye contact. Maybe I’ll marry one of those love pillows! I bet even that would grow to resent me!

Gah I’m miserable, I’m going to get into the cheese cupboard!

It’s 58 minutes later, I’ve eaten all the cheese. I feel a lot better now, my dairy levels must have just gotten low!

I also had a genius idea and then went ahead and made it! I call it my potato waffle condiment smorgasbord. You get a potato waffle or 4 and fill with all the holes in it with condiments such as tomato, bbq, spicy, garlic, vinegar, brown sauce, mustard, marmite, mint, Worcestershire and salts and peppers (black and white). I ate it, it was as I imagined it would be; absolutely revolting!

I’m going to bed now, full and happier than before. Have a lovely day and remember ‘It’s not what you know but how sexy your bottom is!’