Dear Farmfoods customer care
I’ve never had a magical lamp, I’ve never rubbed it vigorously in the hope a mystical being would spring fourth and grant me three of my all-time wishes, which would be
- An end to man’s inhumanity to man (and woman)
- All people of all creeds and colours living in peace and harmony with each other and nature in a perfect utopian society
- Just loads of crisps
However, now, my top most wish is that I wish to complain in the strongest possible manor about your ‘Farmfoods Broccoli Florets’ purchased from your Bridlington branch of Farmfoods for an English pound coin. I wish to complain in the strongest possible manor, but I shall not type ALL IN CAPITALS though the way I feel at the moment, that would be justified. Imagine I am Mr Vincent Van Gough, let me paint you a picture with words, describing and detailing what has caused me such affront with your produce. Enjoy, do!
Imagine this scene in your minds idea pouch, it is half past five on a mild Wednesday evening, while my darling wife of 43 years was busy in the kitchen preparing a delicious meal for us, I was busying myself in the living room trying to work the none video recorder, recorder. It tapes telly programs without a VHS cassette, I don’t know how this dark magic works! In time I finally found the recording of the series finale of Doctor Whom. And just as I’d cued it to the right place my son brought in our dinner on the hostess trolley . We all sat down to enjoy our meal whilst watching the baffling broadcast (Doctor Who was never this confusing in the 70’s).
Our meal consisted of a roasted chicken bird with roasted potatoes and these Farmfoods broccoli Florets that I mentioned half a life time ago. You see, I have a very picky pallet, I cannot abide the taste and texture of most green vegetables, they are abhorrent to me, but broccoli is one of the few greens I can tolerate. My eating method for broccoli goes as follows
1. Separate the broccoli from rest of food
2. Isolate any stalk deemed too large for consumption
3. Remove lengthy stalk, leaving green ‘head bush’
4. If green head bush is too large segment into bite size clumps
5. Consume
And this is what I was doing. And after eating all the broccoli ponst my plate, save for one medium size clump I came to segment this section. I chopped it in twain, cleaving it in two pieces. I placed the first piece in my mouth and consumed it, seconds later I looked down as I was about to shovel the last chunk into my mouth.
That’s when it happened, that’s when everything changed! That’s when a look of horror, disbelief and shock came across my face. I dropped my fork to my plate. Were this a Hollywood movie film, the fork would have fallen in slow motion, I would be screaming NNNNOOO like a Darth Vader might and on screen would be revealed the cause of such emotions.
For you see, embedded in the broccoli clump, intertwined with the florets green leafy clumps, was half a small slug. I couldn’t believe what I was looking at, I thought it might be a bit of mud or grit, somehow entrenched with the greenery. But when I investigated further and removed the grey slimy body from the broccoli it was indeed a slug torso.
The retching began almost instantly. I am convinced that the other half of the slug was in the other half of the broccoli head I had just consumed! Thus meaning it was inside my tummy guts! The retching continued. Now I’m a man of the world, I’ve eating a wide variety of foods, I’ve even once had some pasta! I didn’t care for it! But so great was my revulsion at the thought of this severed slug body I was utterly put off the rest of my meal, and I couldn’t even bring myself to have any pudding, which was Profiteroles (from Farmfoods) and I love them a lot!
Quite frankly there is now no way I can ever eat broccoli again, how can I ever trust there won’t be a creature hiding within the fronds? I simply don’t and can’t trust broccoli.
The only positive outcome of this whole ordeal is I know, that if I ever did become a ‘celebrity’ (which at my age is medically impossible) I would never be able to go on the celebrity jungle program and eat insects. So every cloud does have a silver lining!
I thank you for your time and patience in reading my communicate, I attach a poor quality picture taken on my sons eye phone to show you said slug. I cannot look at the image without feeling queasy.
Thank you again.
Cecil Thax
PS
I no longer trust cauliflower either!
—————————-
They sent a reply, just the usual stuff really, but they did send a £20 voucher to spend in farmfoods!
Dear Mr Thax
Thank you for your email.
I am concerned to hear about your recent purchase. We strive to ensure that all products supplied to us are of a standard and quality you would expect from Farmfoods. I have today forwarded your comments to the manufacturer of this product for them to look into further. If you do still have the original packaging and can let me know the best before date and batch code I can also pass that on to help with their investigation.
In the meantime, please accept my sincere apologies for the distress and inconvenience this must have caused. I would like to send you, with our compliments, a Farmfoods voucher as a gesture of goodwill. I will send this to the address you have given below as soon as possible.
I do hope that you will continue to shop at Farmfoods as we do value your custom.
Kind regards
Andy Long
radiothax.com 