Superfast Computer Performance Monitor

Super-fast Computer Performance Monitor
Super-fast Computer Performance Monitor

Dear computer user

Hello, please allow me to introduce myself, my name is Jimbo Vaginapouch, please don’t mock my name it’s an old family name going back several generations, I come from a long line of Vaginapouchs. My family ancestor invented the Vagina pouch in 1294, a Mr Hoobert Pouchmaker, the pouch was initially intended to house small clams but due to the material used and the hard abrasive nature of the clam shell meant the pouches would perish rather quickly, in time and with a surplus of said pouches Hoobert became disaffected with the world, he withdrew from society, shunning all and sundry, his clam based pouch invention haunting his every thought, he turned to drink. Years passed and Hoobert grew old and bitter, mostly because his primary drink of choice was bitter, or sometimes he would have a cider, usually in the summer months, but I digress.

When Hoobert turned 59 he was at his local tavern, he’d taken to using his pouches (of which he still had a large surplus) as a mini carryall for folded flat breads, by midnight he had passed out and the kindly bar wench (Mimi Von Unpouchedvagina, an eccentric German aristocrat working in a bar for fun) took pity on him and carried him home in her powerful German arms. When they arrived back at Hooberts house Mimi saw the piles of pouches, and as was her nature she tried to use one to cover up her lady zone, for she had been sold a pair of crotchless bloomers and couldn’t find anything to cover the exposed region well enough. It was a success, Mimi’s furry wizards sleeve was pouched and in that instant a union was born. When Hoobert pulled round he was married and had a new business partner, they were the only sellers of Vagina pouches in all of England. We now know them as underpants, but back in the day they had a very different name. So that’s me Jimbo Vaginapouch and I have a computer related product to sell to you, I feel you’ve got to know me now, you trust me implicitly so you will agree that all the claims I am about to make are 100% accurate and are in no way intended to entrap you and your computer into buying false, malicious software.

Super-Fast Computer Performance Monitor
Super-Fast Computer Performance Monitor is the class leader in providing client to user to business to bespoke pathogen peer to peer jargon to user experiences based on desktop interfaces. Super-Fast Computer Performance Monitor will simply install itself onto any computer, laptop, unpleasant cat or diary whenever the user has accidently clicked on any unscrupulous advertising link. Super-Fast Computer Performance Monitor is self-aware and once installed on any computer, removal is next to impossible, it will worm its way into every nook and cranny, it will install itself into hidden alleyways and show homes also it’s probably under your bed, depending on how much space there is under your bed of course, to be honest the more space there is under a bed the more versions of Super-Fast Computer Performance Monitor there will be, so god help you if you have a bunk bed, or any other type of bed that’s on legs, of which there are many kinds and they’re not all bunk beds, there is a subtle difference, there is no shame in being a grown up and having a high bed, it means you can make forts and who wouldn’t want to do that?

But what does Super-Fast Computer Performance Monitor do? I hear you think. Well, like the name suggests Super-Fast Computer Performance monitor pretends to speed up computers and monitor performance, this however is just its name, it can neither monitor nor speed up anything, in fact its name is the definition of irony because it will in fact drastically slow down your computer and the only thing it will be monitoring is your keystrokes and harvesting all your delicious information. After it has resided on your computer for no less than 30 days it will the demand you pay a fee to ‘unlock’ some more advanced features, you will of course do this for me, Jimbo Vaginapouch, for I am a very good friend of an auntie of yours. Go on, it’s only £219 for a year’s subscription to Super-Fast Computer Performance Monitor. The added benefits of subscribing are that I can buy a new car and I can get my wife that back, sack and crack operation she keeps bringing up at church. Never marry a vicar, especially one with a ‘sack’, I can’t believe she kept that quite till our wedding night!

To sum up, please install Super-Fast Computer Performance Monitor on your computer if only for the fact that I get sexual gratification knowing there are hundreds of IT technicians having to uninstall and clean out programs like this every day, it literally turns me on to the point of orgasm thinking about them all sat at their nerdy desks spending 2 hours running various cleaning programs to get rid of my pointless and obviously malicious software. I love thinking of their blank gormless faces as they watch slow progress bars go from 0% to 100%, their frustration as my software changes all the home pages in all the browsers, then they open the browsers to see the owner of the computer has over 30 toolbars installed. Oh yes, that’s what I like! I also love to think about the standard computer user who when greeted with my software doesn’t understand its true purpose and thinks it’s actually helping their computer speed. I sit at home vigorously pleasuring myself thinking about all the time I’m wasting of these people, time they could better spend away from their computers maybe reading a book or being with friends, but no, I keep them indoors trapped in front of their computers angry, frustrated and annoyed at my software!

If you want to buy my product I take paypal, visa, mastercard and Tesco clubcard points, but don’t bother sending me your bank details, I already have them!

Thank you I’ve been Jimbo Vaginapouch and you’ve been reading the words that I’ve written!




Do you need any pouches? Only slightly used!

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