Cecil and I are going on a biddy coach tour to Italy in 3 weeks. I’ve hacked into the national holidays computers and acquired a passenger breakdown of my fellow travellers. At least I know some of the horrors I’ll be stuck on a biddy bus with for 9 days!
Seat 1A
Clive Sinclair
Age: 71
Gender: Male
Personal Bio: Clive has worked all his life as an administrative assistant to his wife. Due to an unfortunate accident at childhood Clive is unable to have children as he has no penis or hips. His life’s ambition was to see a television programme in colour, a dream which he achieved in 1968, he found it mildly disappointing. He enjoys lazy walks on the beach, socialising with friends, watching paint dry and daydreaming about Des O’Conner.
Seat 1B
Susan Sinclair
Age: 68
Gender: Female
Personal Bio: Susan has spent her life touring the world, leading sexual seminars. She believes herself to be the reincarnation of Albert Moll, founder of modern sexology. Unfortunately Susan has never had sexual intercourse because she’s well frigid and she doesn’t find her husband attractive. She likes lazy beaches, PowerPoint presentations, laser pointers and not thinking about genitals. Her favourite number is 4.9
Seat 1C
Disraeli Fawn
Age: 88
Gender: Male
Personal Bio: Disraeli is an immigrant from the market country of Kimballo. He is here legally, his application approved by the Queen, as all immigrant applications are. When he was a child his favourite toy was a rock which looked like Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson. Which given Mr The Rock wasn’t born then, was an amazing coincidence. He likes slow walks near, but not on, beaches; thinking about stationery and the colour ‘nearly blue, but not blue’. His star sign is ‘horse shoe’. He is terrified of water and bridges.
Seat 1D
Amber Fawn
Age: 24
Gender: Female
Personal Bio: Amber is an adult entertainment star. Her best known films are ‘The Fawn identity, ‘Red Fawn’, ‘Fawnmower man’, ‘Fawn of the dead’, ‘Fawn of the 4th of July’ and ‘Fawn the sheep’. She married Disraeli for his money and hopes she can finish him off on this holiday. Both her parents died when she was 4 in an industrial pillow accident. Her favourite colour is ‘chapstick’ and her greatest fear is a vagina fire.
Seat 2A
Kitty Price
Age: 72
Gender: Female
Personal Bio: Kitty is the older sister of ‘Titty’. They are identical twins. Kitty is best known as the short one. They dress alike, look alike and do everything together. The only time they have been apart was for 40 years when they had a falling out over who had the prettiest face. Kitty insisted it was her and Titty was certain it wasn’t. They only resolved their difference when they saw each other at the age of 70 and realised they were both a bit ugly. Kitty’s favourite Pokemon is Pikachu. She doesn’t understand how magnets can possible work.
Seat 2B
Titty Price
Age: 72
Gender: Female
Personal Bio: Titty never tells anyone she has an identical twin. She always hoped her and her sister would reconcile and she could then play tricks on her husband and children. “Imagine the hilarity of just bumping into an identical woman when you’re shopping with your wife” she would say. Titty once auditioned for a west end show, but didn’t get the part because she can neither act, dance or sing. Has one arm 4 inches shorter than the other. Can’t taste anything oniony.
Seat 2C
Witty Price
Age: 72
Gender: Female
Personal Bio: Witty Price is the third twin of the group. Identical to Kitty and Titty in every way apart from appearance and personality. Witty, the smallest of the three twins, was removed from the childhood home when she was 3 months old because she kept biting her siblings. She’s a very aggressive woman, opting for violence and abuse whenever possible. She worked as a dentist all her life. She has had 5 husbands, all of whom died due to nervous exhaustion. Her favourite colour is blood and she lost a toe, she doesn’t know how.
Seat 2D
Shitty Price
Age: 72
Gender: Male
Personal Bio: Shitty Price is the fourth and final of the Price twins. Or fourtuplette as they’re better known. Shit was born last and due to abuse in utero from his sisters he is highly deformed. While his mental faculties are all there, he does slightly resemble a poo, which is where his name comes from. He cannot speak, he communicates in semaphore or at a push, mime. He was married for 3 years to a cheese plant named Brian. Hates the work of Brooke Shields and won’t entertain the thought of an otter with a hat on!
The Price foursome are all going on holiday one last time as they all plan on dying soon, this will be their last hurrah. Kitty want’s to drink a coffee in a café in Venice while looking out over the Adriatic and thinking about comfy bras, Titty wants to see the Verona amphitheatre and run up and down the stairs but she trips and hurts her ankle and sue them for 42 Euros, Witty wants to punch any street performer she sees and Shitty wants, for one glorious last time, to swim naked in a hotel pool while people have breakfast, he shall rape a bagel then run under a bus.
Seat 3A
Father Christmas
Age: Infinite
Gender: Male
Personal Bio: Father Christmas is taking his annual holiday in the quietest period of the year. He wants it all done before October when the chrsitmas lists start flooding in. He will probably have four or five elves hidden about his person. Be aware he is a large gentleman and may require assistance using the toilet. This is usually done by passengers seated near the toilet. He may have toys and gifts to hand out if he is feeling benevolent. Once kicked the face off a woman because she asked for a lock of his beard hair. He is also immortal!
Sear 3B
Mary Christmas
Age: 21
Gender: Female
Personal Bio: Mary is Father Christmas’s 46th wife, as he lives forever he has gone through many a woman. He marries them young and stays with them till they’re old. Each woman is different but the one quality they all share is they are all really nice. Mary used to nurse injured animals, she would read to the elderly and never bad mouthed a Russian. She met Father Christmas four months ago when one of his reindeer got a poorly hoof. She can speak 4 languages, but they are all English. She has no big toes and often smells of otters!
Seat 3C
Marian Barian
Age: 22
Gender: Female
Personal Bio: Marian recently married a gentleman called Darian. They fell in love over their love of tarragon. They met on a cooking course in maidenhead, by the end of term they shared each other bed. Marian works many a job, until she’d got married she’d never touched a nob. All her life she’d been a virgin, both her parents we killed by a sturgeon. She likes to read, paint and walk. She has no vocal chords and cannot talk. Her life’s ambition is to be on tv, in the remake of friends, she’ll play Phoebe!
Seat 3D
Darian Barian
Age: 22 and four months
Gender: Male
Personal Bio: Darian is an absolute twat, he looks ridiculous in every kind of hat. He bullied everyone at school, he looked like a bizzare human mule. He was 6 feet by the age of 5, the doctors didn’t know how he was still alive. Though he was incredibly thin, he had long arm reach so children couldn’t kick his shin. The teachers were scared of him because he looked like Bruce Forsyth, he used this to try and buy a wife. Hates the colours red, green and orange, loves the Welsh mountain range of Blorenge.
Seat 4A
Wendy Jordan
Age: 67
Gender: Female
Personal Bio: Wendy is a volunteer with the St John’s ambulance, she has been doing this since 1990. Wendy had a stroke in 1993 but continued her duties once she was able. She has use of both her arms and legs but her breasts no longer work. She loves the music of Vera Lynn and watching indoor bowls on the television in autumn. She collects Wade vases and has over 5! Her greatest achievement is being nominated for nudist of the year 1976. Hoped to be travelling with her husband but he left her shortly after they paid for the holiday because he was dead.
Seat 4B
Ping Pong
Age 37
Gender: neutral
Personal Bio:
Conceptual artist Ping is a 37 failed art student for Newcastle. He has decided to live for a year as a Chinese migrant despite the fact he isn’t at all Chinese. He is wearing a straw pointy hat and is constantly squinting his eyes. His art contemporaries are saying it’s deeply racists, especially with the accent he uses, but ping claims it can’t be racists because it’s ‘art’. Allergic to rice.
Seat 4C
Opal Popal
Age: 72
Gender: Female
Personal Bio: Opal was born in a small province in Africa called Mallumbolwug in 1943. Her parents both died of boredom when she was 4 years, meaning she had to fend for herself and 6 of her 9 siblings. The other 3 siblings didn’t want her help because they were racist. Opal has a fondness for wasps and keeps at least 6 on her at all times. Four years ago she lost a leg due to forgetfulness. Has always wanted to travel to Europe but didn’t dare because she has a crippling fear of passports
Seat 4D
Sir Patrick
Age: Unknown
Gender: Male
Personal Bio: Sir Patrick is perhaps best known as a convicted rapist, kidnapper and fraudster. He is currently trying to winkle Opal out of her knickers and retirement fund. He surrounds himself with only beautiful things because he is so hideous in both appearance and personality. He has 7 known sexually transmitted diseases and is wanted in all 50 states of America for one crime or another.
Seat 5A
Elisabeth Winsor
Age: 89
Gender: Female
Personal Bio: Elisabeth is a well-known public figure in England who is looking for a little peace and quiet on a biddy holiday. She’s had a terrible year with one thing and another and just wants to get away from her screeching grandchildren. Little Lizzy is best known for having a face and waving. She plans to spend the whole holiday wearing a bikini and bending over so the Italian waiters see her royal mile!
Seat 5B
Charles of Wales
Age: 66
Gender: Male
Personal Bio: Charles can’t seem to escape the clutches of his mother. He didn’t want to come on holiday and spent 4 days locked in his room when he found out he had to go away with her. He doesn’t like coaches and is terrified of ferries. He is hoping to not go through any tunnels. He has bought 9 sun hats to cover his ears as people often mock them when they get sun burnt and go bright red, also if he stands with his back to the sun, the light comes through them and they shine like two luminous slices of water melons attached to the sides of his head! Is also scared of rugby players.
5C – Empty
Seat 5D
Simon Simple
Age: 5
Personal Bio: Simon is planning on running away from home because his mother and father are trying to make him have a haircut! He hopes to get his best girlfriend (Gemma Ankle 6) to come with him, but so far she can’t afford the deposit. Simon paid for this holiday by stealing his parents credit cards. If his dad finds out, they will take away his etch-a-sketch.
Seat 6A
Andrew Salsbury
Age: 43
Gender: Male
Personal Bio:
Andrew works for the Indigo valley coffee company, they supply high quality coffee at a low low price. Andrew has been working there since at least the 13th of September 2011. His office number is 0845 054 0067. He sits at a desk for 11 hours of the day just waiting for coffee related enquires. No one has ever seen his legs! He may not have any or he might have 8, we just don’t know. He seems nice!
Seat 6B
Denble Bemble
Age: 7
Gender: undisclosed
Personal Bio: Denble (full name Denbletenblebombemble) was born on the 29th February 1988. Technically he has only had 7 birthdays and can claim child fayres on most things. This holiday didn’t have a special child rate because who would be stupid enough to take a child on a coach tour? Denble decided he needed a break from everything due to his wife being a nasty sack of cows. She will often beat him if he leaves a sock on his foot too long. Denble may never return to the UK from this holiday, he has plans to live in an abandoned boat in Venice. He thinks he can make a living singing the cornetto song to tourists. If his wife discovers this plan, she will burn his face off with a toaster!
Seat 6C
Cecil Elizabeth Thax
Age: 85
Gender: Old male
Personal Bio: Cecil has recently found himself divorced and living in a new terrifying town away from his friends and local services, shops and bus routes. He is too old to try to make anything of his new life so he spends all day with his son, sitting down and watching day time telly. He used to be a powerful guitarist but he just can’t be bothered anymore. Likes long walks nowhere near beaches. Can’t spell ‘hypothalamus’. Cecil hopes a rich elderly lady will take pity on his sad face and ask him to come live with her in her 90 million pound mansion.
Seat 6D
Paul Shane Starshine Elizabeth Andromeda Thax
Age: 36
Gender: Male
Personal Bio: Paul is a rage filled, self-loathing hate filled monster. Paul is unable or unwilling to maintain eye contact, talk to anyone or make any effort at anything. His personal hygiene is at best, abysmal. He once had to soak himself in a bath for three hours before his socks could be removed. Paul blames society for the way he is, in reality it’s all self-inflicted. Has never seen a naked woman in real life or in print. Also never touched, kissed, talked to or winked at a lady. Is very overweight and hasn’t seen his own penis since he was 7!
Seat 7A
Pambert Hambert
Age: 88
Gender: Female
Personal Bio:
Pambert or Pam for a shortened catchy version is very excited to go away on holiday. She hasn’t been on holiday in 45 years because she’s been in prison. She murdered all those kids who were being noisy little shits on a train. They were whooping and also cheering at every station they arrived at. She threw them all out of a window while the train was going over a tall bridge. She has served her time in prison and even though she isn’t sorry they let her out. She would have been out in 30 years with good behaviour but she’s a right bastard!
Seat 7B
Hambert Pambert
Age: 88
Gender: Female
Personal Bio: Hambert searched the world for someone with the surname ‘Pambert’. Her maiden name was Hambert, making her name Hambert Hambert. Her middle name is also Hambert because her parents were weird. She is the sister of Pambert. She would visit Pambert every month in prison , she’d hold up the pictures of the dead children just to make Pambert feel bad. It didn’t work, as stated Pambert is an utter bugger! Hambert met her husband ‘Bamburt Pambert’ in the congo, up a tree looking at some frogs. They fell in love instantly and were married come Christmas. He died soon after due to sexual relations with a tree frog.
Seat 7C
Chinbolt
Age: 43
Gender: Male
Personal Bio: Chinbolt prefers to be called Big chinny bolt face, but no one ever does. He resembles a young Jimmy Hill, his chin is his predominant feature. The only thing people notice about him is his chin, it curves out from his face like a half moon, it measures a whopping 18 inches and comes to a point so sharp it can cut glass. He has never kissed anyone for fear of impaling them. He has no penis!
Seat 7D
Human
Age 40
Gender: Male
Personal Bio: Human was once a man called ‘Gilbert’ but he decided that he would live like a caveman. He has no job, house or possessions. He pretends he can’t speak English and only communicates in grunts. He’s often found wearing nothing but a loin cloth and the blood of the animals he’s killed. He gets leg judder meaning he is constantly kicking his legs, which will be a nightmare for anyone who has him sat behind them in a coach or que. He is married to Susan, who paid for this trip so she could have some quality time to herself in the cave.
Seat 8A
Terrance Stamp
Age: 55
Gender: Chap
Personal Bio: Terrance prefers to be called Terrence, with as much emphasis on the second E as humanly possible. TerrEnce worked from home much of his life designing spoons. There’s only so much design a spoon can have before it becomes a small spade so he would just make the handle longer or shorter. This earned him over 4 million quid in 8 years. He loathes chop sticks, won’t allow any other cutlery in the house! He will not spoon with his wife!
Seat 8B
Postage Stamp
Age 56
Gender: Female
Personal Bio: Postage (real name Jane) has a wry sense of humour. When she realised she would marry TerrEEEnce Stamp she rushed out and changed her first name to ‘Postage’. For the first six years of their marriage Postage thought her husband was the actor ‘Terrance Stamp’ she was mightily disappointed when she found out he wasn’t. Can’t wait to stay in a hotel and see other cutlery. It’s been 4 years since she used a fork!
Seat 8C
Tome Cruise
Age: 56
Gender: Male
Personal Bio:
Tome is part of the ‘Babe Audio Quartet’ a group of for young gentlemen who perform music and dramatic readings of some of pops and popular cultures greatest achievements. Tome looks like Tom Cruise and thus Tome will give powerful renditions of some of Tom Cruise’s best known performances, such as “I’ve been disavowed”, “Show me some money”, “Nice top gun flying there”, “I’m on a missions, a really hard mission, you might almost say this missions…..really difficult” and the classic “I was in war of the worlds, who remembers that?”. Tome is 6 foot tall and bald.
Seat 8D
Thom Hanks
Age: 34
Gender: Male
Personal bio: Thom is a spitting of Tom Hanks, so much so that he founded a theatre group of famous Toms. Thom devised a one man play called ‘lost on an island with a volleyball’. Thom had never seen or heard of the movie ‘Castaway’ it was just a coincidence. Other titles for his play were ‘Volleyball head island’, ‘One man and his ball’, ‘Touched by a ball’, ‘CRAB ATTACK!!’ and ‘Coconut love’. Thom plans on putting on performances at various street corners around Italy to see how they take it. If it goes well he’ll leave his husband and move in with Trevor!
Seat 9A
Charles Dickens
Age: 45
Gender: Sir
Personal Bio: Charles has travelled forward in time with his best time travelling friend to explore the wonders of the modern age. So far he has seen dinosaurs, cavemen and early man. he now wants to experience the next step in human eveolution, Italian man circa 2015. Charles is a little bit racist and doesn’t think much of the Italians due to once an Italien boy kicked him in the Dickens. Charles loves long walks holding a slow beach, eating potatoes and writing about stage magicians from the 1980’s.
Seat 9B
Sme
Age: Future
Gender: Interchangeable willy and foo foo
Personal Bio: Sme is from the human year 2839 where time travel was first used for tourist purposes. Sme was the first man to travel in time on a purely recreational basis. It cost the equivalent of £12 of today’s money. They work on a whole different monetary system in the future, mostly a form of prostitution. He found Charles Dickens first because he read all of his books and found references to a ‘Sme’ from the future who took him traveling in time. Sme is allergic to walks and beaches but loves the smell of clip art.
Seat 9C
Tom Tom
Age: 20
Gender: Male
Personal Bio: Tom Tom’s act is something special, a real magical 20 minutes. Tom Tom is a performance artists who works primarily in restaurants. He will sit at the corner of the room and listen to dinner conversations of couples, groups and various other collections of people then, at an important point in the conversation, Tom Tom will run over and chip in with some nugget of information, throwing the person talking off and making them forget what they were talking about. He has many topics of conversation but he will make damn sure none of it is relevant to what you’re talking about. His favourite fun fact is that ‘Armadillos almost always give birth to quadruplets.’ Tom Tom has three arms!
Seat 9D
Tom Joynes
Age 70
Gender: Male
Personal Bio: He’s just a Tom Jones cover artist. Sounds quite like Tom Jones, looks a bit like him too. Often smells of biscuits. Is wheat intolerant and allergic to pussycats. Also like the real Tom Jones, Tom Joynes has a son who he denied that he was the father of for 21 years. Hates the sound of tap shoes, doesn’t eat squid because he fears they will reanimate in his stomach and is very very homosexual.
Seat 10A
Pascal La Fromage
Age 94
Gender: Male
Due to a confusing and illogical administrative error Pascal is, was and always shall be a French exchange student. He has spent his whole life roaming from home to home, going to polytechnics, universities and collages, switching places with one student or another. He’s essential the student equivalent of Quantum leaps Sam Beckett. He hopes each exchange will be his last exchange home. May be dead, no one can tell!
Seat 10B
Andrew Gresley
Aghe 57
Gender: Male
Personal Bio: Andrew is perhaps best known for being the editor of ‘Business information systems – 3rd Edition’. Andrew also had a hand in writing the book, along with Bocij, Chaffey and Hickie. Andrew needs a good long break away from thinking about business information systems as he feels they are taking over his life. Last week he referred to talking to his wife as ‘a communal dialogue with value exchange’, he referred to pooing as ‘a waste deduction meeting’ and his children as ‘contraception insufficiency’.
Seat 10C
Sinclair Clive
Age: 72
Gender: Male
Personal Bio: Sinclair is going on holiday to get over the recent separation of his wife from him. They were married for 63 years (yes they were married when he was 9), they were happy for about 0.4 years. Sinclair never liked the way his wife smelled, looked, spoke, thought or baked but he had to stay married for the children (they had 23). The thought of having to tell Sinclair Jnr Jnr Jnr Jnr Jnr that he would no longer be living with his mother was too much for him to take. Favourite food – cigarettes.
Seat 10D
Claire Clive
Age 72
Gender: Female
Personal Bio: Claire is also going on holiday to get over Sinclair, unfortunately they booked this ticket 2 years in advanced and didn’t want to lose their deposit. Claire plans on sleeping with as many Italian people as her ancient withered dried up old lady minge will stand. All her children have left home so she has nothing to stay for. She plans on stabbing Sinclair in the chest “accidentally” with her knitting needles at least 29 times. Claire is also deathly afraid of arm rests!
Seat 11A
Humpty Dumpty
Age less
Gender: Egg
Personal Bio: Humpty is a numpty from Clacton on Sea. His wife is known around town for being awfully frumpy. Humpty often gets grumpy when his bed is lumpy and if he eats tuna fish he is often trumpy. He has tiny legs, they’re frightfully stumpy, and when he get up late he is very grumpy. When he was a child he was ill, he was very mumpy, his face and all his cheeks were terrible bumpy. Hates the Spanish!
Seat 11B
Hampty Dumpty
Age 59
Gender: Lady
Personal Bio: Hampty is wife to Humpty, who is well known for being a giant egg. Hampty met him through her king’s horses connection. She fell in love at first sight, poor humpty was smashed to bits and she had the task of cataloguing all his shell sections, ready for putting back together again. She was put in charge of Humpty when he was repaired and helped him through his years of physiotherapy. She’s only made this mistake of cooking him eggs 8 times in their marriage. Sadly they have only been married 4 days!
Seat 11C
Bo Bo
Age 3
Gender: Identifies as a pan dimensional ostrich hammer
Personal Bio: Bo Bo is a small child, often given to fits of anger and violence. ‘He’ is a professional clown, by the time he was 8 months he’d donned his first curly red wig and was doing prat falls and tumbles. People said that he was just learning to walk, but his mother insisted he knew exactly what he was doing! He finds it incredibly hard to sit down for more that 3 minutes without having to get up, run around and play his trumpet. He could ride a unicycle by the age of 18 months! His pet hate is being inside any vehicle!
Seat 11D
Gemma Jo
Age 18
Gender: Female
Gemma is Bo Bo’s mother. She was ‘little miss adorable’ 3 years running when she was 4, 5 and 6. She is a big name in the child pageant circuit. Her first child (Jo Jo) died due to a hairspray incident. She’s hoping Bo Bo will perform well at the Lake Garda little Miss and Mr prissy pooh competition. She’s done nothing but encourage Bo Bo. She has had 18 plastic surgeries to ‘enhance’ her appearance, she is 82.4% plastic and about as attractive as a block of lego. And not even that sexy lego, just a normal 8 x 2 brick that’s old and dirty. Gemma has a deep fear of learning how to read and write.
Seat 12A – Empty
Seat 12B
Mark Perthshire
Age: 45
Gender: Fluid
Personal Bio: Mark takes massive offence if anyone refers to him as ‘he, him, sir, Mr’ because he thinks he’s transcended gender definitions. A lady once asked him if he would mind leaving the ladies toilets and using the men’s. He stabbed her in the cheek with his tampons. She wasn’t hurt but very shaken up. The man is an utter bastard!
Seat 13A
Miss Mist
Age: Unknown
Gender: unknown but identifies as female
Personal Bio: Miss Mist is a cloud entity from sector 9, citadel 4 of the tittytwotwo region of Pluto. Miss Mist was looking for a luxury holiday but couldn’t afford one due to the train fare from Pluto to Earth. She is made entirely from mist, of a yellow hue. She can neither talk, see, hear or feel but she has a general sense of movement. Do not approach her with a fan or any kind of ‘waffting’ device as she could be blown away.
Seat 13B
Argyll Terrier
Age: 4
Gender: Male
Personal Bio: Argyll Terrier is a small white dog. He is going on holiday to get away from being forced to wear tartan coats and pose for photos for biscuits wrappers. Has no testicles. Is very aware of what his owner is doing while he’s away and plans to maybe not go back. Obviously being a dog, he can’t communicate what that information is, but there’s a look in his eye that shows, he knows!
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