Authors note – Due to unexpected and tedious computer problems all the screenshots for this instalment of an old man in Skyrim have been lost. Lost to the world like the ring of Farloppys unrelenting diarrhoea or King Sarginton’s favourite wench beating mace, so for this entry you shall have to use your puny imaginations, which is a shame because there were nearly naked ladies!
The Premise
Skyrim is a vast sprawling game, you can pretty much do anything you want, so I decided to live in Skyrim, to see how an old man coped with the harsh environment and bizarre folk that inhabit this land. This is my tale!
The Rules
80 year old man in Skyrim.
Only doing what an average 80 year old can do.
No constantly running, using shouts (special powerful magics), magic or fast travel.
No murder or stealing or anything unethical, should always try to run away from a fight.
Read part thirteen here – https://radiothax.com/2014/01/14/old-man-in-skyrim-13/
Previously on ‘An old man in Skyrim’
Cecil had made his way towards Riften avoiding bandits, wolves and doing anything interesting, until he came across a hot spring full of semi naked people, he made camp and enjoyed the warm erotic waters!
The story continues….
I tarry here in the hot springs for what seems like an age, this is mostly because the warm water feels so good and also because I have an erection that won’t go away. There are two women walking about the springs in little more than handkerchiefs, there are bosoms visible and that’s something these old eyes haven’t seen for a long time. I make camp here and rest, Riften can wait, these saucy women aren’t going anywhere and neither am I!
After several weeks I become dulled to these ladies bits and bobbles flopping about the place, also there are two chaps here who keep looking at my loin cloth, I feel the need to move on, so semi reluctantly I move on. Also the women kept moaning at me because I used to like watching them sleep, they did it in public, in the open air and the one time I get drunk and try and cuddle up to them they take offence! Yes time to move on!
As soon as I leave camp a thick fog surrounds me, I can only assume it’s a change in temperature as I leave the snowy peaks and descend into the slightly warmer climate near Riften, though I only descend for a little while, then the path goes almost vertically up! I don’t know if I can make it, yes I’m well rested and full of pith and vinegar, but I am still 80 years old and can’t handle steep hills for very long. There are goats bounding around me, I attempt to catch one to no avail. I give one more shot at trying to ride Meeko, but he’s having none of it. We make it slowly up the mountain, only meeting a couple of wolves which we dispatch with relative ease. We also come to a cave with severed goat’s heads on pikes, so we quickly leave the area for fear of what might be lurking in there.
Time and I march on, the sun begins to set, again my mind turns to the comforts of a real bed, I’m really getting tired of camping. A few minutes later up the road and I spot a house, quickly walking up to it my excitement dissipates as I realise it’s not a pub but just a farm house. Though I make pleasant conversation with a woman, till she asks me to go pick some rare grapes for her. I tell her that if I ever see them I’ll fetch her them. Who knows I might, if I see these grapes and don’t need to eat them and can be bothered to come all the way back, ahh who am I kidding, I’ll never fetch them to her, lazy madam, get your own grapes!
Night quickly comes, I look for somewhere nice to camp, but again in the distance I catch a glimpse of lights, I cautiously approach. There is certainly a camp, but no people, the fire is lit, there is food in the pot, readymade beds but no people. With the pretence of hoping to help and certainly not to plunder their free food and help myself to a night in their beds I enter the camp. I of course don’t steal anything but see a journal on the table so I take a quick flick through, it talks of riches hidden in Angarvunde. I’ve never heard of it and I never hope to find it, it’s probably deadly, it sounds like just the kind of place hoards of zombies or giant spiders live. I have a little flash back to my time in Dead mans respite and shudder. The horror!
I wait around for 30 minutes to see if the owners of this camp come back but I accidentally fall asleep in one of their beds, I’m like goldilocks, and I can’t remember anything bad happening to her!
After a wonderful nights sleep in a bed that was not too hard and not too soft, but just right I get up, eat a leg of some meat, not stole meat, I bought it two pubs ago! Then I set off towards Riften, with Meeko by my side I whistle a jaunty tune to brighten the already bright day!
I’m feeling on top of the world as I walk up to the main gates of Riften, there’s a skip in my step, a smile on my face and a song in my heart. I approach the gate guard and in my most upbeat voice I say
“Hello dear fellow, I have travelled half a world to get to your fair city, pray good sir knight, might an old man enter your fine settlement with a hope of becoming a resident of this proud fine metropolis?”
“No!” he says in the rudest tone possible “Use the main gate!”
And with that he won’t say anything else to me. No matter how I ask for direction to these main gates he simply refuses to answer me. So I start to follow the large walls of the city until I find another set of gates and guards. The guard gives me the old shake down of demanding a tax for entering the city. I’ve never paid a gate toll in my life, I shoot the guard one of my sternest looks and he backs down then lets me into Riften!
Unlike when I entered Solitude, there was no fanfare, no public execution well no anything at all. The place is utterly deserted! My new home town greets me with utter distain. I didn’t expect much but some free cake would have been nice, or a beer stand. Don’t they know I’m an official bard of the cards college?
I make my way into town and find there are actually people, they’re all in a little market listening to snake oil peddler, trying to flog his wares. I listen to the conversations of a few people, there is a lot of talk about thieves in the town, I clutch my purse to my bosom tightly. A man approaches me, he calls me ‘lad’ I can only assume he has terrible eyesight, I’ve not been called lad for 58 years! Somehow this blind idiot manages to talk me into playing a merry jape on one of his friends, the ruse is that I take a ring from one of his friends table and put it in the pocket of another one of his friends, oh just imagine the confusion and hilarity that will ensue!
So I do, I find the chaps stall and get the ring out of a box but then my 80 year old mind throws me a curve ball, I totally forget who I’m meant to be giving this ring to. I look around the crowd in the market, I have an inkling that it’s a chap stood right at the back which is lucky because he’s the only person I can see with pockets! I pop the ring in and wait for the hilarity to ensue!
Suddenly there is shouting, the police are being called, people are angry. The man I just gave the ring to says he’s found a ring in his pocket and the man whom I took it from is screaming for the police to arrest the thief. The police come and grab the man and drag him away. This is why I don’t do practical jokes. I feel terrible, I’ve been conned and got an innocent man arrested! I do the only thing I can do, I find the nearest pub and drown my sorrows.
While I’m drinking a monk comes and sits with me, in time we get to talking about certain urges that a man has. I tell him I’m not that way inclined. He carries on telling me that if I want a wife all I have to do is wear a special necklace and all the ladies will know I’m looking for love. The monk sells me this necklace and I put it on instantly. I don’t know if this guy is a monk or he’s fleecing me with this necklace, but I’m very aroused and will do anything I can to find myself a willing woman! My hope is now that I will entice a woman to my bosom and me to hers. Not any woman though, I’ve seen lizard people and I’m sure I saw a Shrek before, green skin just doesn’t do it for me, is that racist?
I end up getting very drunk and renting a room in the pub, the lizard lady who owns the pub refused to show me to my room, I think she knew I was green skin racists, so for the next ten minutes I stagger around the pub, bursting into other peoples rooms. I nearly pass out on a bed with a nord man, he shouts at me and I eventually find my room, it’s an utter dump, I wouldn’t keep pigs in here!
When I wake up I realise I’d passed out in the utility cupboard!
I eat a hearty breakfast and decide what I need to do next with my life. I’ve achieved all the goals I’ve set out to do, I’ve not murdered anyone (not directly anyway), I’ve not stolen anything or done anything that could be considered wrong.
I think I now need to do what all men must when they feel their life is going exactly the way they expected, I need to take a wife, buy a house and settle down. So that’s exactly what I shall do! I don my wife finding necklace and head out into the world to look for love!
Look out world, Cecil is coming, and he’s randy!
End of chapter two!
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