German Holiday Part 1

23rd September

I woke up by sliding off the bed at about half past 4 in the morning.  Cecil was oblivious to my moans and cries for help.  I wasn’t hurt but I was very confused.  For several seconds I didn’t know where I was or what had happened.  I sorted myself out, climbed into my bed and just to spite Cecil I shouted “all hands to battle stations!”  He shot up and ran right into the wardrobe.  He staggered back to bed and never mentioned it throughout the day.

I managed to sleep in till half past 11.  We were due to get the train to Hull at ten to two.  Dad shouted me out of bed, mostly because I hadn’t done anypacking and he also wanted to know what I wanted in my sandwiches.  I chose ham, cheese, another kind of cheese and salami.  And another thinner kind of ham.

By half past one me and dad were all set to go.  Mum refused to see us off because she was annoyed that she wasn’t going now, but it’s her own fault, she could have come, she just had to say!  We set off with 20 minutes to spare, which is good because

A) we were walking to the station and

B) dads bags weighed a ton.  We made it to the station with 8 minutes to spare, which we were both very pleased with.  Then came the announcement “The 13:51 train to Hull has been cancelled”.  A look of horror and disbelief shot over dads face.  He started crying openly.  He went to ask the station train man if they would be putting a bus or another train on, but he just sneered at dad and said ‘no’.

Father was mortified; I was annoyed I wouldn’t get to sample the various continental meats and cheeses.  Then a look came across dads face, a look of resolution and defiance.  He marched back up to the train man and demanded they put on a taxi for us.  The train man told him to ‘sod off’.  Dad got angry and demanded to speak to his manager. He claimed he was the manager.  Dad stormed off.

Quick as a flash I got on the phone to Len Shankroids, he owns a converted ice cream van which is now converted into a mini bus.  One teary phone call later and he was on his way to pick us up.

We were in Hull by half past 3.  Thank you Len, you’re a starman!

Then we waited for 30 minutes on the cold and windy bus concourse.  The bus came at exactly 4 PM.  The driver let everyone off for a wee.  It was another sea of grey hairs, wrinkly faces and unpleasant old cleavages.  We went and sat in our seats while everyone was away.  When the biddys came back on they all looked at me with a look as if to say “what is this young man doing on our biddy bus, this is for the over 60’s only.  You make me sick young man” I gave them a look which tried to say “I’m sorry I’m young, I’m only on here so me and my father can go to Germany to follow up a lead on a [SPOILER REMOVED] which might contain the riddles of the universe, don’t hate my youth” but I think I just looked constipated.

We got to the ferry terminal at about 5, and unlike the lax security down in Dover, there were random suitcase searches and bags x-rayed.  And I’m excited to say my bag was x-rayed and I was frisked.  Sadly not by the woman but by the man, luckily he didn’t try to check my member for hidden MI5 documents or knock off DVDs.  I saw the x-ray of my bag, it looked interesting, it was all red and yellow, not like a bone x-ray, though Teddy Watkins was clearly visible, and the man smirked at me for having a teddy on holiday.

We eventually got on the ferry and it took an age to actually set off.  But when it did it was bloody freezing because we were filming the outside for mum, so we came inside and had our free (eat as much as you want) meal. I had

•           Soup, cream of chicken (3 bowls)

•           Pork ribs (about 15)

•           Poppadums’ (5)

•           More poppadums’ (7)

•           Roast potato (too many to count)

•           1 roast carrot (never again)

•           Pots of cinder toffee ice cream (4)

•           Pots of chocolate ice cream (2)

•           A plate with crackers, cheese, salami, pepperoni and hams (a big plate x 3)

Then to finish it off I got a few hot chocolates from the free dispensing machine.  I want to live here!

Then we went and sat in a bar for about 3 minutes until we got intimidated by some shaven headed men talking racistly.

We’re in the cabin now.  Its 21:18.  Dad refused to take the top bunk so I am sleeping high up in the highest bunk I have ever slept in.  I’m terrified.  There is no guard rail to stop me falling out; if I do I will smash my fragile head on a tiny table.  And the boat is rocking quite badly.  Dads asleep and mumbling about torpedoes or something.  I’m going to try and get some sleep now.

I fear for my body.