Once upon a Christmas
Tittiana Prendleminge (AKA Paul Thax)
Once upon a Christmas eve, in the land of wishes and make belive, lived a grumpy little elf who lived alone all by himself. He didn’t care for Christmas day,
Oh no hang on that’s the Grinch, ermm let me try again
Cecil was dead to begin with!
Bugger that’s Scrooge, erm
One day a small boy built a snowman which at night came to life .
It’s hard to come up with an original Christmas story! Ok, here goes!
They staggered down the snow covered street, mounds of white powered covered the world like a cold smothering duvet. Hand in hand they struggled to walk as the biting winds pummelled their faces. She fell, exhausted by the pain in her guts. The baby was coming now. He carried her to the nearest doorway; the house was oblivious to his pounding on the door. She gave an almighty scream, the baby came out of her parts, he grabbed it and wrapped it in his scarf. They lay there huddled together as the cold enveloped them.
Morning came, the door to the house was opened by a very handsome young man, his chins were pert, his male bosom was ample, the scent he gave off was alluring to woman. He looked down at the scene on his door step. Two frozen corpses lay ponst his doormat. He knelt down and as he moved the dead bodies a muffled whimper came from somewhere under the mass of coats, fur and death.
He ran to the kitchen and got several spatulas, he prayed apart the bodies. Inside was the tiniest baby teddy bear he had ever seen, it was clutching onto life like a barnacle on a whales testi. Paul scooped up the tiny bundle and rushed it into the living room. He sat down next to the fire cradling the baby bear in his arms. He unwrapped the scarf from its body, it had the name tag ‘Watkins’ on it. So that’s what Paul named him Teddy Watkins.
By the end of the day the authorities had removed the dead adult teddy bears from Pauls doorstep, but he didn’t tell them about the baby.
He cared for that bear like it was his own child, the years passed and Paul taught it all he knew of the world. The years marched on, they were inseparable, everywhere Paul went, Watkins did too.
By and by Teddy Watkins grew into a fine figure of a living teddy bear, reaching almost 3 feet high by the age of 8. Then on the 20th of December, Teddy Watkins 9th birthday, just as they were sitting down to the birthday cakes, there was a knock at the door.
Paul went to answer it. At the door were stood two large male teddy bears, they towered over Paul. As soon as he’d opened the door a crack they burst in, they put a bag over Pauls head and knocked him unconscious. They searched the house for Teddy Watkins and found him cowering under the sofa. They dragged him out and stuffed him into a sack. The two bears kicked Paul until he was unconscious.
Paul came to by having hot foul air blown into his mouth from his father’s own lungs. Cecil was giving him the kiss of life, even though he didn’t need it. Cecil was very old and confused, the modern world scared and confused him. Paul sat bold upright, slightly head butting Cecil as he did. “Where’s Watkins?!” he demanded to know. They searched the whole house, but there was no sign of him. Luckily Paul had been recording a video for YouTube before the bears came and the camera didn’t stop recording. They watched the tape.
The two bears had come and almost instantly found Waktins. They pulled him from under the sofa, held him upside down, looked at his label and said “This is the one” then they turned him over, looked him in the face and said “The boss wants to see you, Teddy bear kingdom future prince, shame you’ll not live long enough to claim the throne” then they stuffed him in a sack.
Paul looked at Cecil, Cecil looked at Paul, Margaret asked them to get out of the way of the television. “Teddy bear kingdom?!” they both exclaimed in shock and disbelief. They knew such a realm must exist due to the fact Teddy Watkins was alive, but no human had ever been able to find its location. Paul girded his loins, in private, then he told Cecil and Margaret that he was going to search for Teddy Watkins and not rest until he was found and brought home. Cecil picked up his mobile and rang their good friend Tony and asked him if he wanted to come on a Christmas adventure, he said he did.
2 hours later and the three gentlemen were sat around the kitchen table having a brainstorming session. In the end it was decided! They would bring 8 bags of crisps each, 2 litres of cola flavoured drink each and several bags of mints for the road. Paul only knew of one man who could help them get to Teddy bear kingdom, and that man was large, bearded and full of holiday cheer.
After they had visited Brian Blessed, he pointed them in the direction of the north pole, to Father Christmas’s house. Brian was even so full of festive spirit that he gave them a plane ticket each to fly there on Blessed airlines. What a kind man. He also wished to impart the information that “GORDONS ALIVE!!” apparently.
18 hours later and they were stood at the gates of Father Christmas’s kingdom, Paul was weeping with joy. A tiny elf appeared “Hello?!” it said. “Hello erm, were wishing for an audience with Sir Father of Christmas please young elfling” said Cecil. The large red and green doors slowly opened and the three travellers were met with a chorus of glorious singing, a thousand elves all working on building toys, but also singing a happy Christmas tune, Paul fell to his knees, so overcome with emotion was he. Inside were all the colours, sounds and smells of Christmas. Elves busy working at all manner of stations, building toys and games in a matter of seconds.
They were led into a large hall where Father Christmas was sat at a huge desk reviewing the naughty and nice list. Paul ran over to him, smooshed his face in his big white beard and said “I’d like a new camcorder, a computer, no socks, a space pen, a puzzle compendium, the latest games console, a life size cardboard cut out of all the female cast of The Britas Empire and 37 surprises please”. Father Christmas pushed Paul off him and laughed. Santa called for hot chocolates all round. Over Christmas beverages Paul told him what had happened to Teddy Watkins. St Nicholas looked very worried. The bears from Teddy bear kingdom should not be able to get into our realm and vise versa. Something was wrong with the universe.
Father Christmas had been very pensive for 20 minutes thinking about the problem, when all of a sudden the door to the hall they were all in burst open, the Easter bunny staggered in and collapsed on the floor. It lay in a pool of ever growing blood. The men rushed over to the creature. It had a knife protruding out from its stomach. It struggled to speak, it murmured the word “Krampus” then it convulsed and died! Father Christmas withdrew in terror “it returns” he said and he fled the room, leaving Paul, Cecil and Tony confused and not a little scared.
Hours passed. Eventually an elf came to see Paul. It handed them all a device each which allowed them to travel between the various dimensions. Paul asked “if teddy bears get their own realm, does that mean there is a toy car realm, a board game realm, a Nintendo Wii realm, a generic football ball realm?!”, to which the answer was simply “Yes!”.
The held hands and pushed the button. Around them the world transformed, walls melted away, objects morphed into different objects even the stars changed. The men looked around, everything looked like it was made from jigsaw puzzle pieces. Clearly the wrong realm. They pushed the button on the device again. Everything was made from crisps. Paul ate 4 towns. They pushed the button again, plastic army men world, Disney merchandise world, Lego world, microwavable heat packs world then finally Teddy bear kingdom!
As soon as they appeared in the Teddy world they were set upon by 10 large bears. Unfortunately they had materialised right in the middle of the court of the new king bear. No sooner had they appeared then they were thrown into the dungeon! As they sat in the cold stone prison, Tony began to weep. His sobs were loud and carried through the cells. From the next cell they heard the very familiar cry of “where’s the crisps”. The men knew this was Teddy Watkins catchphrase.
Paul called out to him, he replied, he was unharmed for now, but was marked for execution in the morning! This caused a great anger to rise in Paul, Paul the powerful and very handsome. Paul looked around, the walls of the prison were constructed from ply wood, stone and metal clearly didn’t exist in this realm. Paul used his significant bulk, running at the wall like a bull in a poorly constructed china shop, he smashed his way through the wall, reuniting him with his teddy!
Teddy Watkins told the three wise, brave and attractive men how all the evil versions of each world were taking over. It all started several years ago when Teddy Watkins parents, the kind and queen of bear world had been exiled from their kingdom by an evil bear tyrant. Over the years all the other kingdoms had been overthrown, all but one, the central hub of worlds. “It was only a matter of time before he came and destroys it all” Teddy Watkins said. “Before who destroys it all?” said Tony. “The Krampus, the evil Father Christmas, he’s been systematically over throwing worlds, removing Father Christmas’s allies so he can finally become king of Christmas.” Said Teddy Watkins. Suddenly the door to the cell was opened and in walked the two large teddy bears that had been to Pauls house. They tried to grab Teddy Watkins from Paul, but now Paul new what to expect, he shouted at Tony to pass him is lighter. Paul made the flame come fourth, the two teddy bears recoiled in horror.
The three men and one bear ran down the halls ways, searching for the devices. Paul, even though he was chubby could run fast and long for he was a powerful young man, and handsome to boot! They ran past cell after cell of imprisoned teddy. Cecil being a kind and gentle old soul kicked the flimsy ply wood doors open, releasing the prisoners. Within an hour a full scale teddy bear uprising was afoot. Within two hours, Paul, Cecil and Tony were hailed as heroes, while Teddy Watkins was crowned king of all Teddy Land. But despite the jubilous celebrations they knew they had to go on a quest to kill the krampus and save all the worlds in the universe.
They said a teary goodbye to Teddy Watkins who was to stay behind and rule over Teddy land world realm for the rest of his days. They dialled in the address for their own world. Instantly they were transported into Father Christmas’s hall, to the exact point from where they left. The scene that greeted them was Father Christmas locked in mortal combat with a snarling hairy black creature, whipping at him with heavy chains. Father Christmas was doing his best to deflect the metal but he only had a feeble wooden candy cane. Father Christmas looked over at Paul, he held out his hand, golden dust flew over to Paul. The Krampus smashed down his chain on Father Christmas head, it exploded in a mess of bone and flesh. The Krampus turned, screamed at Paul and disappeared in a puff of smoke. The gold dust floated around Paul and began attaching itself to him.
Paul’s transformation was almost instant. A beard shot out of his face, his clothes turned to red robes, his belly shuck like a bowl full of jelly. He was now father Christmas. Just then there was a flash of blinding white light in front of Paul. The Krampus had returned! It slowly walked over to Paul, snarling, its fangs dripping with ooze, claws glinting in the light, razor sharp horns jutted from its brow. It put its snout up to Paul’s face, its twisted black horns pressed against his forehead. It slowly opened its mouth, most of Paul’s face was enveloped inside the gape of its teeth when it suddenly gave a yelp, it spasamed. Paul backed away. Black liquids shot from its mouth and nose. Paul fell back in terror. Looking at the Krampus he could see a large golden spike protruding through its body. It convulsed then fell to the floor. Behind it was Teddy Watkins wearing golden armour. He had vanquished the evil Christmas monster! Watkins said “The Krampus was the king of all evil among the other worlds, his death in this will filter to the others, we have freed many people from the tyranny of a monster”
All was well with the worlds, apart from the world of obsolete recording formats, but who cares about a world made of cassette tapes anyway!?
Paul was Father Christmas, Teddy Watkins was a king or something. Things turned out ok. Cecil found a nice Toupee and Tony had some slippers given to him for some reason. The three heroes returned home, to not a single welcome, no one had even heard of their deeds, in fact no one believed them and threated to have them committed if they kept talking about it. But such heroes were they that they agreed to take no credit, safe in the knowledge that they had done what was right, just and attractive. Paul was looking particularly attractive, like he does most of the time, even first thing on a morning, and he is a great kisser. He can cook up to 4 different meals, he’s great at hugging and has giant genitals. He doesn’t smell either and he’s never soiled himself or his bed!