Category: Old man in skyrim

The old man in Skyrim – Part 15

The Premise
Skyrim is a vast sprawling game, you can pretty much do anything you want, so I decided to live in Skyrim, to see how an old man coped with the harsh environment and bizarre folk that inhabit this land. This is my tale!

The Rules
80 year old man in Skyrim.
Only doing what an average 80 year old can do.
No constantly running, using shouts (special powerful magics), magic or fast travel.
No murder or stealing or anything unethical, should always try to run away from a fight.
Read part fourteen here – https://radiothax.com/the-old-man-in-skyrim-adventures/old-man-in-skyrim-part-14/

Previously on ‘An old man in Skyrim’

Cecil Had made it to Riften and found a church which gave him an amulet which showed all potential ladies that he was single and wanted to take a wife.

The story continues….

If I’m to go a wooing then I think my whole appearance needs a face life, not just my clothes, but my face too, it’s frightfully saggy! I imagine there are people willing to cut my face up, but far fewer who would be willing to stitch it back together again to make me look 10 years younger. No, my face can stay old but my garments can be changed to something far more sensual! Something low cut to show off my chest and tight enough to snuggly house my old man buttocks!

So a trip to the tailor is required, but a house of fine garments and cloth is no place for a dirty mutt who might wee on some fine leather, so for the first time ever, I order Meeko not to follow me and stay put in the room at the inn, and like the well trained hound he is, he sits down and starts sniffing his bum!

Sit Meeko sit, Good dog
Sit Meeko sit, Good dog

I walk around the town for quite some time before I realise that maybe this town isn’t the upmarket cultural hub I thought it was, none of the shops sell fancy garments, certainly no formal dress wear, only armour!

It’s half past 5 before I decide to give in and buy some semi fancy armour, the one I go for has studs on as it’s subliminal messaging, ladies will see the studs, think “stud” and associate me with studs, thus they will think I’m a stud! I cannot fail!

It's all signals!
It’s all signals!

This is how I now look, as handsome as any man in pointy leather clothes. As soon as I parade around town ladies start to gaze in my direction! Nothing screams sexy like bear arms apparently! I pop on my amulet of marriage and see if I can woo any maidens out of their bras. First stop, bar skanks!

This one is not happy to see me!

 

Typical woman!
Typical woman!

Despite my very best efforts to woo these beautiful ladies of Riften, I find the task quite hard, and but quite hard I mean impossible! I don’t know what it is about me, maybe I’m too sexy for this armour, maybe it’s my fancy hat or wrinkled old man face, but every woman I speak to seems angry at me, they hardly want to talk to me let alone even contemplate the idea of spending the rest of our lives together, which given how old I am, won’t be that long! I don’t want to sound sexist but what a bunch of fridged moo cows!

The constant rejection is getting to me so I decide to go back to the inn, however I get a bit turned around in the odd streets of Riften and find myself at a big castle, I would like to live in a castle! I try my luck chatting up the ladies dwelling within, firstly I talk to this woman who instantly starts talking pure poppycock!

A fine experimentation, I'm sure!
A fine experimentation, I’m sure!

I thought things were going quite well but in the end she just asks me to go on some dangerous quest for some science mumbo jumbo, I get bored by her ramblings and start looking around the room while she waffles on, behind her there is a very rich looking woman so as is my want I walk away from the science lady while she’s in mid-sentence! I try chatting to the rich looking woman; unsurprisingly she wants nothing to do with me! Not even the serving wench is interested in me!

Dejected and rejected I head back to the inn to see how much ale I can drink before I can’t stand up anymore. It’s 14 bottles!

A new day dawns, I sleep in till mid-day then my quest is to talk to every single (or married) woman in this god forsaken town begins! By five o clock I realise that not one of them wants a chunk of Cecil pie. So I swear I shall leave Riften for ever, it’s not the exotic raunchy place it looked on the map! I walk out of the main gates and hire the horse and cart man to drive me away as quickly as possible!

Take me to new and erotic lands!
Take me to new and erotic lands!

Of all the places I’ve been I can only remember Whiterun having a couple of ladies who gave me the time of day, so maybe one of them will marry me. By the time I get there it’s midnight, it doesn’t look as inviting as I remember!

Oh moody! Like all ladies!
Oh moody! Like all ladies!

After a sleep in the inn, I get up relatively early and again speak to every woman I can find in the town. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, I have this damn amulet on which apparently shows I want a wife. My clothes are of the finest quality; my face is welcoming and old. I talk to every woman here and accidently agree to do quests for several of them, I’d pretend to do anything to get a wife, and I assume the woman would own her own house too, I realise my chances of getting wed are rapidly dwindling!

My last option is to go back to my home town of solitude and try my luck with the woman of the bards college. Surely if any woman’s going to want me it’s my fellow barding chums!

I take the cart back to Solitude and back to the massive and steep hill, my ankles are once again not happy!

My friend of Solitude!
My friend of Solitude!

I enter the bards collage; it’s gone beyond a joke this! 20 minutes later and I’ve been rejected by every woman there, most won’t even engage me in conversation, let alone marriage!

Screw it, I’m in solitude and it would seem that’s a state I am going to remain in for the rest of my life! Who wants a stupid wife, with their companionship and homely ways!

Grumpy cow sack!
Grumpy cow sack!

I wander round solitude for the afternoon, picking flowers and herbs for old times sake, and also to make some money, these clothes and amulet have almost decimated my gold collection.

I need to make some more money and as I’m near my old work place (the water mill) I decide to take a quick walk back down there to earn some money for a stay at the inn.

I start to walk towards the water mill when I remember the small town of Dragon Bridge, the place where 2 vicious mud crabs killed a man and a woman, there were other people there, I’m going to give it one very last shot at finding a wife!

As I walk the short road to Dragon Bridge, I happen upon this familiar looking pair, a guard and a noble man on horseback, I’m sure it’s the same ones I met just outside the bandit camp, I guess he and his guard reunited and are travelling the roads again, just a noble man and his trusty guard, two chaps on the road together getting up to all kinds of shenanigans!

Horseback mountain
Horseback mountain

I reach Dragon Bridge, it’s been several months since I was last here and the slaughter by the mud crabs, but this faithful dog is still sat by the corpse of his dead master, whimpering for his lost companion. That’s when it hits me, I’ve left Meeko in Riften! He is safe in the inn so there’s no need to rush back to him quite yet, I hope the bar wench is giving him some snacks!

Don't eat his corpse!
Don’t eat his corpse!

The area I’m in is fairly safe, so I decide to walk back to the bandit camp to see if there was any of the loot I left still there, I figure I can sell it also none of the women here want to talk to me either!

I set off to the bandit camp, I come across another old friend, the graffitied cow and its giant owner, I keep my distance, I give the giant a nod and he doesn’t pound me hard into the ground.

Don't mention the farmer!
Don’t mention the farmer!

I get to the bandit camp and all my stuff has gone, it’s my own fault for just leaving it on a table! I decide to head back to Whiterun but do so by going via the woman in the fishing hut just in case she is feeling frisky and wants a quick roll in the hay.

She does not!

She want's to be left alone!
She want’s to be left alone!

I continue on the path, then I’m attacked by two wolves, with no Meeko to protect me I thought I was a goner but I pull out my bow and manage to kill the wolves before they even bite me. Maybe I didn’t need Meeko after all!

With a skip in my step and a feeling of invincibly and manliness I go about picking all the flowers and herbs I can find, I am in a revelry. I might not have a wife but I can protect myself and back home I have Meeko, and he’s all the companionship I need, I can’t wait to get back to the Inn and see his big slobbery face, I’ll give him a big hug and buy us both a goat leg and as much mead as we can drink! Meeko and me for every, we’ll save up and buy a house together and live out our days hunting rabbits and taking in the cool Skyrim air!

Or that’s what I thought, I wasn’t paying attention, I’d gotten sloppy, I was so caught up in picking flowers and thinking about my future that I didn’t think about my present and the dangerous world I was in.

Out of nowhere I felt an intense pain in my side, what caused it, where had it come from? I look round to see the biggest bear in the world swiping at me with its giant paws, I panic, I foolishly try to shoot it with my bow, the arrow hits it in the face yet it still comes charging and swiping at me, it takes a chunk out of my side, I run, I look for somewhere to escape to, the only place is a deep river, my only option is to jump in. I dive in. The current carries me over to a tiny island, I pull out my bow and shoot at the bear, the bear is not affected by the rapid flowing river and it charges me, I try to get another shot in but my arrow catches in the bow and forces me to accidently fire the arrow in the ground to my right, as I spin round to see where my arrow has gone the bear pounces on me, pummelling me with its powerful paws.

I don’t’ have time to think or act, the bear has shattered my back! I spin round, my back is broken, blood pouring from the gash, my sight goes dim. This is the end for me, I’ve had a long life, it’s certainly been eventful. I fall to the ground, my last thoughts are of Meeko, alone in the inn, forever waiting for a master to come home, but a master that never will!

My vision goes dim, the last thing I hear is the rushing sound of water, the rest is silence!

The End

 

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Old man in Skyrim – Part 14

Authors note – Due to unexpected and tedious computer problems all the screenshots for this instalment of an old man in Skyrim have been lost. Lost to the world like the ring of Farloppys unrelenting diarrhoea or King Sarginton’s favourite wench beating mace, so for this entry you shall have to use your puny imaginations, which is a shame because there were nearly naked ladies!

The Premise
Skyrim is a vast sprawling game, you can pretty much do anything you want, so I decided to live in Skyrim, to see how an old man coped with the harsh environment and bizarre folk that inhabit this land. This is my tale!

The Rules
80 year old man in Skyrim.
Only doing what an average 80 year old can do.
No constantly running, using shouts (special powerful magics), magic or fast travel.
No murder or stealing or anything unethical, should always try to run away from a fight.
Read part ten here – https://radiothax.com/2014/01/14/old-man-in-skyrim-13/

Previously on ‘An old man in Skyrim’

Cecil had made his way towards Riften avoiding bandits, wolves and doing anything interesting, until he came across a hot spring full of semi naked people, he made camp and enjoyed the warm erotic waters!

The story continues….

Hotter springs!
Hotter springs!

I tarry here in the hot springs for what seems like an age, this is mostly because the warm water feels so good and also because I have an erection that won’t go away. There are two women walking about the springs in little more than handkerchiefs, there are bosoms visible and that’s something these old eyes haven’t seen for a long time. I make camp here and rest, Riften can wait, these saucy women aren’t going anywhere and neither am I!

After several weeks I become dulled to these ladies bits and bobbles flopping about the place, also there are two chaps here who keep looking at my loin cloth, I feel the need to move on, so semi reluctantly I move on. Also the women kept moaning at me because I used to like watching them sleep, they did it in public, in the open air and the one time I get drunk and try and cuddle up to them they take offence! Yes time to move on!

As soon as I leave camp a thick fog surrounds me, I can only assume it’s a change in temperature as I leave the snowy peaks and descend into the slightly warmer climate near Riften, though I only descend for a little while, then the path goes almost vertically up! I don’t know if I can make it, yes I’m well rested and full of pith and vinegar, but I am still 80 years old and can’t handle steep hills for very long. There are goats bounding around me, I attempt to catch one to no avail. I give one more shot at trying to ride Meeko, but he’s having none of it. We make it slowly up the mountain, only meeting a couple of wolves which we dispatch with relative ease. We also come to a cave with severed goat’s heads on pikes, so we quickly leave the area for fear of what might be lurking in there.

Time and I march on, the sun begins to set, again my mind turns to the comforts of a real bed, I’m really getting tired of camping. A few minutes later up the road and I spot a house, quickly walking up to it my excitement dissipates as I realise it’s not a pub but just a farm house. Though I make pleasant conversation with a woman, till she asks me to go pick some rare grapes for her. I tell her that if I ever see them I’ll fetch her them. Who knows I might, if I see these grapes and don’t need to eat them and can be bothered to come all the way back, ahh who am I kidding, I’ll never fetch them to her, lazy madam, get your own grapes!

Night quickly comes, I look for somewhere nice to camp, but again in the distance I catch a glimpse of lights, I cautiously approach. There is certainly a camp, but no people, the fire is lit, there is food in the pot, readymade beds but no people. With the pretence of hoping to help and certainly not to plunder their free food and help myself to a night in their beds I enter the camp. I of course don’t steal anything but see a journal on the table so I take a quick flick through, it talks of riches hidden in Angarvunde. I’ve  never heard of it and I never hope to find it, it’s probably deadly, it sounds like just the kind of place hoards of zombies or giant spiders live. I have a little flash back to my time in Dead mans respite and shudder. The horror!

I wait around for 30 minutes to see if the owners of this camp come back but I accidentally fall asleep in one of their beds, I’m like goldilocks, and I can’t remember anything bad happening to her!

After a wonderful nights sleep in a bed that was not too hard and not too soft, but just right I get up, eat a leg of some meat, not stole meat, I bought it two pubs ago! Then I set off towards Riften, with Meeko by my side I whistle a jaunty tune to brighten the already bright day!

I’m feeling on top of the world as I walk up to the main gates of Riften, there’s a skip in my step, a smile on my face and a song in my heart. I approach the gate guard and in my most upbeat voice I say

“Hello dear fellow, I have travelled half a world to get to your fair city, pray good sir knight, might an old man enter your fine settlement with a hope of becoming a resident of this proud fine metropolis?”

“No!” he says in the rudest tone possible “Use the main gate!”

And with that he won’t say anything else to me. No matter how I ask for direction to these main gates he simply refuses to answer me. So I start to follow the large walls of the city until I find another set of gates and guards. The guard gives me the old shake down of demanding a tax for entering the city. I’ve never paid a gate toll in my life, I shoot the guard one of my sternest looks and he backs down then lets me into Riften!

Unlike when I entered Solitude, there was no fanfare, no public execution well no anything at all. The place is utterly deserted! My new home town greets me with utter distain. I didn’t expect much but some free cake would have been nice, or a beer stand. Don’t they know I’m an official bard of the cards college?

I make my way into town and find there are actually people, they’re all in a little market listening to snake oil peddler, trying to flog his wares. I listen to the conversations of a few people, there is a lot of talk about thieves in the town, I clutch my purse to my bosom tightly. A man approaches me, he calls me ‘lad’ I can only assume he has terrible eyesight, I’ve not been called lad for 58 years! Somehow this blind idiot manages to talk me into playing a merry jape on one of his friends, the ruse is that I take a ring from one of his friends table and put it in the pocket of another one of his friends, oh just imagine the confusion and hilarity that will ensue!

So I do, I find the chaps stall and get the ring out of a box but then my 80 year old mind throws me a curve ball, I totally forget who I’m meant to be giving this ring to. I look around the crowd in the market, I have an inkling that it’s a chap stood right at the back which is lucky because he’s the only person I can see with pockets! I pop the ring in and wait for the hilarity to ensue!

Suddenly there is shouting, the police are being called, people are angry. The man I just gave the ring to says he’s found a ring in his pocket and the man whom I took it from is screaming for the police to arrest the thief. The police come and grab the man and drag him away. This is why I don’t do practical jokes. I feel terrible, I’ve been conned and got an innocent man arrested! I do the only thing I can do, I find the nearest pub and drown my sorrows.

While I’m drinking a monk comes and sits with me, in time we get to talking about certain urges that a man has. I tell him I’m not that way inclined. He carries on telling me that if I want a wife all I have to do is wear a special necklace and all the ladies will know I’m looking for love. The monk sells me this necklace and I put it on instantly. I don’t know if this guy is a monk or he’s fleecing me with this necklace, but I’m very aroused and will do anything I can to find myself a willing woman! My hope is now that I will entice a woman to my bosom and me to hers. Not any woman though, I’ve seen lizard people and I’m sure I saw a Shrek before, green skin just doesn’t do it for me, is that racist?

I end up getting very drunk and renting a room in the pub, the lizard lady who owns the pub refused to show me to my room, I think she knew I was green skin racists, so for the next ten minutes I stagger around the pub, bursting into other peoples rooms. I nearly pass out on a bed with a nord man, he shouts at me and I eventually find my room, it’s an utter dump, I wouldn’t keep pigs in here!

When I wake up I realise I’d passed out in the utility cupboard!

I eat a hearty breakfast and decide what I need to do next with my life. I’ve achieved all the goals I’ve set out to do, I’ve not murdered anyone (not directly anyway), I’ve not stolen anything or done anything that could be considered wrong.

I think I now need to do what all men must when they feel their life is going exactly the way they expected, I need to take a wife, buy a house and settle down. So that’s exactly what I shall do! I don my wife finding necklace and head out into the world to look for love!

Look out world, Cecil is coming, and he’s randy!

End of chapter two!

Old man in Skyrim – Part 13

Piss of in a brewery
Piss of in a brewery

I walk around the brewery, inside, rather unsurprisingly there isn’t much but barrel. Unfortunately the owner is keeping his peepers on me so I can’t get in a barrel and drink my way out! In fact the staff at the brewery seem to have little interesting in getting drunk. I try to organise them to have a few rounds of drinks, but they refuse! I feel useless! They don’t have any beds or even a nice warm fire, so I know when I’m not welcome, despite the horrible rain outside I leave them to their bitter brewery, long may they rot in it!

The path outside is bleak and wet, much like my trousers. Hopefully there is somewhere close by that an 80 year old can get a little refuge. I check my map, I’m about half way to my destination of Riften, all I have to do is navigate the foot of the mountain, this is probably the coldest section of my travel but then once I’m passed it, it’s nothing but forests and streams, or so it appears on the map.

I walk in the biting rain for a good long while, nothing happens save for Meeko and I get wet and cold. We happen upon a blue glowing man killing another man, they haven’t seen me so I hid in some temporary stealth foliage, or ‘a bush’. I can’t get around the chaps locked in mortal combat, my only option is to climb up the mountain away from them. The path is steep, my ankles are very weak and cold, I need to find shelter, I could build a tent but without fire it would be useless, and try as hard as I can, rubbing my wood produces nothing!

Bleak

In the distance I spot an interesting rock formation, when will I learn interesting is deadly!? As I am looking around a woman jumps out and sprays me with something really cold, as always Meeko leaps to my defence. Note to self, avoid ‘interesting’! But I’m so cold I have to lay down so I make camp among the stones, I try one last try to make fire and hours after rubbing my wood, something emerges! Flames! Before long my wood is hot and I’ve pitched a big tent, and a content night’s sleep was had! Well as soundly as I while sleeping in a tent next to the corpse of a woman my dog has just murdered!

I wake up, the fire must have gone out in the night because I am freezing cold and damp! I can’t do this living rough, I need the comforts of a house. My journey must continue! On the path I spot a guard encampment, I take a close look, they have a roaring fire. It is a pleasant relief, but as I stand there they try and enlist me to fight for them. I don’t know what skills they think I could bring to their ranks. Expert drinker maybe? I decide to leave them before I’m sent to war. Two things happen when I walk out of the camp, 1)I realize Meeko hasn’t been with me all morning 2)three wolves attack me! I turn and run back to camp, the horses bolt, the guards spring into action, I cower near the stew pot. The wolves are put down with ease, but where is Meeko? Maybe if I can’t find him these guards can protect me?

Wolves did it!I find Meeko back at the stones where I made camp, he’s just stood there all innocent. I’m worried about his mental condition, he has killed an awful lot of people, he was locked in a three day tussle with a mammoth and now he’s forgetting to follow me. I hope nothing goes wrong with him before I reach Riften, I’d be dead many times over if it weren’t for him!

On the road ahead I see a big bridge over the large river to me left, there are people all over it. I can’t imagine this will end well! I’m terrified to approach it, but I’m dying of cold so I have get past some how or my old man skin will freeze.

Bridge over troubled water
Bridge over troubled water

Oh god, there’s people running around with bows shooting at something, this isn’t good, either they are bandits killing people or people defending themselves from some other kind of horror, maybe crabs? Either way I have to get by them as quietly as possible. My only worry is Meeko will try and slaughter them all. This is it, if he kills someone I shall have to abandon him, I can’t abide the thought of all this murder, I’d rather use my old sneaky skills rather than let him slaughter more people.  Ok here goes!

Unbelievable! We sneak past without a single drop of blood being spilled, and as if the weather was a literal metaphor for my life, the clouds parted and the rain stopped, the sun came out and everything seemed right with the world once more! Yes, I was still very cold and damp but now the sun was out.

Things were finally looking up, the birds were singing, the sky was blue, the sun was shining and there was the sound of laughter in the air.

The sound of laughter? I’m sure I heard giggling! Slight exploration found the source of the mirth! My jaw hits the ground!

Hot springs
Hot springs

Hot springs! oh warm water to sooth my aching old body, a geyser for an old geezer, I approach the warm water only to discover this! People, almost naked people! I feel very embarrassed especially as I had stripped off not knowing there were people right here, I thought I could sneak in a cheeky nude dip with no one seeing my modesty loin cloth. Meeko jumps in the water, I fear he will kill them all, but no, he lays down next to a woman and enjoys the hot water, it’s only polite that I have a chat but for a gathering of naked people, they are surprisingly grumpy!

Hotter springs!
Hotter springs!

Old man in Skyrim – Part 12

The Premise
Skyrim is a vast sprawling game, you can pretty much do anything you want, so I decided to live in Skyrim, to see how an old man coped with the harsh environment and bizarre folk that inhabit this land. This is my tale!

The Rules
80 year old man in Skyrim.
Only doing what an average 80 year old can do.
No constantly running, using shouts (special powerful magics), magic or fast travel.
No murder or stealing or anything unethical, should always try to run away from a fight.
Read part eleven here – https://radiothax.com/2013/11/05/old-manin-skyrim-11/

Is it a town? Is there a pub?
Is it a town? Is there a pub?

I take the lightweight sphere in my backpack and head over to the large structures in the distance. It’s too big to be a fort, it looks like a town! As I make my way to what I assume are the front gates, I notice a higher than usual level of guardage about, there’s chaps in uniforms all over the place, they’re quite scary, so scary in fact even the chickens are hiding from them.

What did the guards do, to scare this chicken so?
What did the guards do, to scare this chicken so?

Maybe this isn’t the place an old bard should be investigating, but night’s drawing in and my penis is getting mighty chilly. So I press on and approach the door guards. He’s very charming and opens the gates for me, which just goes to show, never judge a book by its cover, it might be erotic inside.

This town is very pretty, far prettier than I expected, there’s quaint little houses everywhere and trees lining the streets, oh it’s lovely! Even a market square with added drunk tramp, if he dies I know where I can come and apply for a job!

There are some very pretty women in this town, very pretty!

It's nice in Whiterun
It’s nice in Whiterun

The hobo begs me to go steel some booze for him, he clearly knows a kindred drunkard when he sees one, but if I ever did steal booze, it would be for me and not someone else, I of course walk away from him while he’s in mid slurred sentence.

I take a break from gawping at ladies to sit down and listen to a raving lunatic, he’s quite entertaining but I’m still cold so I try entering a few of the public buildings.
I go in what looks like some kind of rudimentary hospital, or building where you go to writhe around in agony on benches while women gossip about if their husband is homosexual or not. I have a look around and see a strange object, it might house a genie so I rub it hoping for three wishes. Not a lot happens though it did slightly look like a lady’s naughty bits, if I squint, so I leave the building feeling a little randy.

Having been turned on by magic vagina stones I start chatting to the local ladies, a woman called Ysolda in particular, she is training to be a merchant, maybe I could be a merchant, maybe we could be merchants together? Preferable nude! It’s better than being a nude bard, Ysolda asks me if I could find her a mammoth tusk, I lose my erection and nearly walk away from her, but there’s something about her blank expressionless face I quite like and tell her that I might find one somehow.

I venture into another shop and sell some of the junk/plants I’ve acquired on my walk, I make a whopping 204 gold, so if nothing else that’s sorted tonight’s inn sleep and booze!
Walking into the inn I of course come face to face with this singing anus! I have a chat with him, if only to stop him singing, he boasts about his skill with ‘the ladies’ and apparently got kicked out of the bards college because he slept with the head mistress or her husband, he wasn’t very clear.

Then I begin the evenings drinking session in gusto, once the alcohol has got the better of me I spend a wondrous twenty minutes talking to and standing far too close to this woman, I think I’m talking, I’m certainly gawping down her cleavage.

Bewbs
Bewbs

I then go up to my room, and oh boy, what luxury! After several days of sleeping in the wilds in a tent this room is a palace! I flop onto the bed and the tedious wailing and moaning of the bard puts me to sleep, either that or the 8 bottles of ale I’ve drunk.

Day 18
Morning has broken! I get up and head out onto my private balcony that is only for me and maybe a guest I might have in my room only to find a bloke sat there, cool as a cucumber, I try asking him what the bloody hell he is playing at but he just runs away while I’m in mid-sentence. That’s very rude! Very rude!

On my private balcony!
On my private balcony!

I enjoy my breakfast of a sweetroll and cheese and raw clam meat, I think I’m still drunk, why did I eat raw clam meat?! I hope I can keep it down.
I venture downstairs and ask the barmaid if she has any easy work for a man of my years, she asks me to murder someone, I turn and walk away, yes it is rude, but she’s asking me to murder, that’s the height of rudeness!

Heading outside, it’s raining heavily again, I make sure Meeko is with me and we press on with our journey to Riften. However, the rain is so heavy and cold that I have to try and find shelter within minutes of starting out. The first building I see is large wooden and oh god, it’s a brewery!!

So how do you organize a piss up?
So how do you organize a piss up?

Next time – Can I organize a piss up in a brewery?

Old man in Skyrim – Part 11

The Premise
Skyrim is a vast sprawling game, you can pretty much do anything you want, so I decided to live in Skyrim, to see how an old man coped with the harsh environment and bizarre folk that inhabit this land. This is my tale!

The Rules
80 year old man in Skyrim.
Only doing what an average 80 year old can do.
No constantly running, using shouts (special powerful magics), magic or fast travel.
No murder or stealing or anything unethical, should always try to run away from a fight.
Read part ten here – https://radiothax.com/2013/11/05/old-man-in-skyrim-part-10/

Previously on ‘An old man in Skyrim’
My only friend and protector is locked in mortal combat with two giant mammoths, I can’t stop him fighting them but they cant kill him, he’s stuck in an endless loop of violence.  I had two choices kill both mammoths and their giant protector or abandon Meeko forever, leaving him to fight for ever!

Very bad dog!
Very bad dog!

The story continues….

There is no way on earth or Skyrim I could kill both mammoths and the giant, if Meeko can’t do any damage to it, what chance do I have?

I have to apply some cold hard clinical logic here, I do the only logical thing I can do!

I make camp 20 meters away from the mammoths, it takes 3 days but eventually Meeko snaps out of his blood lust and comes running back to me. Tears fill my old eyes are he jumps into my arms, he is weak and shaking, I take him into my tent and feed him the last of our meat and wrap him up warm while he sleeps. Silly boy, had me scared there!

Bad boy, dirty boy, in your bed!
Bad boy, dirty boy, in your bed!

Day 17
Meeko is once again by my side and we continue our journey. Ahead I see a group of three humans, my heart leaps for a second, I think it’s my original drinking buddies, but it can’t be them, they were beaten to death in front of my eyes. I sneak up close to the new possible new chums, It’s the wedding party! My silent grumpy friends! I re-join them, they totally ignore me, just like old times. Soon the guard disappears again, like last time, I stick with the husband and wife, maybe the guard needed a plop.

Silently walking, the good times are back!
Silently walking, the good times are back!

Minutes later the guard re-joins us, and we continue our slow walk. I’d forgotten just how slowly they walk, I’m 80 and I don’t go this slow, even when I was freezing to death I walked faster than them! We reach the point in the road where I had killed two wolves, the couple stop and look at the wolves then at me, it clearly dawns on them what I am capable of, fear fills their blank faces and they continue on their walk, but now I think they have slightly more respect for me, more respect and a lot more disdain, if that were possible.

Then our path intersects with the happy group of prisoners and guards I met before near solitude, they harvest meat from the dead elk, I knew it would belong to someone! The two groups pass without a word!

Just like that scene in Shaun of the dead! JUST LIKE IT!
Just like that scene in Shaun of the dead! JUST LIKE IT!

The our journey comes to the section I was most afraid of, we’re going passed the fort!
Suddenly there is a deafening noise, a roaring, I look up, fire is filling the sky, smoke and flames tearing over my head, I’m sure I hear a loud scream, then a ball of fire, smoke and light come crashing down out of the sky onto a nearby house, reducing it to a chard burning mess of wood and debris.

Get Bruce Willis quickly!
Get Bruce Willis quickly!

I cannot wait for the wedding party to slowly amble over, I rush ahead (read, walk slightly faster than snail pace) and investigate! I make it to the house, no one from the fort has come out to have a look, there is a pit in the fire place with a twitching white sphere in it, it’s talking! It’s obsessed with ‘space’, there’s lots of space all around, what could it mean? It has an orange glowing eye as if fire has been captured and held within a metallic white sphere. I carry it out of the burning building and show it all the space around, then all our eyes fall upon this huge structure! What is it? Where have we come?

Fireball?
Fireball?

Old man in Skyrim – Part 10

The Premise
Skyrim is a vast sprawling game, you can pretty much do anything you want, so I decided to live in Skyrim, to see how an old man coped with the harsh environment and bizarre folk that inhabit this land. This is my tale!

The Rules
80 year old man in Skyrim.
Only doing what an average 80 year old can do.
No constantly running, using shouts (special powerful magics), magic or fast travel.
No murder or stealing or anything unethical, should always try to run away from a fight.
Read part seven here – https://radiothax.com/2013/11/05/old-man-in-skyrim-9/

Day 12
I try to leave the inn in Rorikstead, but the son of the inn keeper take me to one side and begs me to ask his father to let him move out! He wants to be an adventurer like me, I try and tell him I’m a bard first and adventurer second, and adventuring is an horrific and violent past time which will very drastically shorten your life’s expectancy. He’s not interested. I get the feeling the term ‘adventurer’ might have a double meaning, I’ve never been very good with the youth and their lingos.

I'll make you an offer you can refuse
I’ll make you an offer you can refuse

I speak to the chaps father only because he’s stood about 12 feet away from us, he tries to give me some sob story about his son not having protection and would I mind buying him a set of armour. The cheeky bastard! I tell him my patronage has given him enough coin to buy his son a fancy hat like mine, he’s not interested. Why does he expect me to fund his kids gap year? Has he never heard of a savings account? In the end the inn keepers story becomes so sob based I give him 75 gold to shut him up, I’m an old softy at heart. I go outside and tell the son he is free to go ‘adventuring’ with whomever he likes, he even has ‘protection’, he asks about the horrible things I’ve seen, so I try and direct him to this blog but he just carries on harvesting cabbages, I’m not sure he’s ever heard of the internet.

Probably be dead in two hours
Probably be dead in two hours

Now I’m leaving, one more step and it will be the furthest I’ve ever been!

Within 2 minutes of my travel I seen another band of guards and a prisoner marching across the land, have these people never heard of cars? In the distance I can see some very interesting rocks, but my ankles are giving me some jip so I ignore them and walk on.

About a mile down the road I start to hear voices, not the usual ones in my head telling me to put on another cardigan, but rather two men and woman arguing, being a true gentleman I feel honour bound to go and make sure the little lady is ok. By the time I stagger over to her the men have left and she’s hiding in a bush, she’s very racist, I leave her and her small minded opinions.

Things I never expected to see on this journey number 1: Racists bush lady!

Only people born in this bush should live in this bush!
Only people born in this bush should live in this bush!

I can see a very tall phallus in the distance. How can I pass up and opportunity to check it out? Well, I couldn’t and what do I find at its base? Not stone testicles, no a sword and a shield, ahh symbolic!
I head back to the road and spot this giant chap lumbering along, he doesn’t seem to want to talk so I leave him be, then further down the road I find this odd cow, it looks like someone’s had too much to drink and gone a graffitiing!

Urban James Herriot
Urban James Herriot

I’m contemplating how the cow could have maybe done this to herself then realise it’s very quiet! Far too quiet, for you see, Meeko is a very noisy doggy, he often barks for no reason, I like this, it lets me know he’s alive, but now no barks are to be heard, I search around for him but to no avail, where’s my Meeko? Then a wolf springs out at me from a bush, is the wolf racist? I’ll never know because as luck would have it another guard/prison group appear and leap to my aid. They dispatch the wolf and walk away. Then Meeko bounds up to me as if nothing’s happened. No indication as to where he’s been, probably chasing rabbits or pooing. I chastise him for leaving me, it was a good job I didn’t have to defend myself because I’m struggling with all this exercise, I’m in my 80’s I really shouldn’t be walking across half the world like this!

Eventually I reach a point where I have a huge decision to make, I can either continue on the path im walking on which will take me through a snowy pass with mountains, or I can take the southern path which has a nice lake but gets even more snowy than the other path. It’s either snow and hills or lake, snow and very steep. I will make camp and sleep on it, a decision this big cannot be made lightly.

It's a sign!
It’s a sign! A sign of things to come! A sign of our time! And so on…

Day 13
I wake up early, around 6am, I lay in my warm fur bed roll for 3 hours contemplating the two paths, this is such a huge decision, one I cannot rush into.

Come 10am I toss a coin to decide my fate.

It’s heads, I go North, I wish I had bought a warm tunic.

I begin down the northern pass and spot the painted cow, it try talking to her, she can’t talk, she’s a cow, I try riding her but she’s too tall and I can’t lift my legs high enough. I join her on her journey, she’s heading my way, with her and Meeko I’m kind of like a Pied piper of Skyrim, I knew being a bard would come in handy.

Out of a bush a lizard man jumps out at me, what is it with people in bushes in these parts? He demands all my monies, how does he know I even have money? Who am I kidding with a hat as fancy as mine, how could I not have wealth? He again demands my money, I try persuading him not to rob me. He isn’t convinced and would be very keen if I handed over the cash asap. I say no, he gets angry, Meeko leaps to my defence, the thief dies! As is my custom, I loot his dead evil corpse, he tried to rob me, it’s only fair I return the favour, he doesn’t put up a fight, I love it when a corpse stays dead!

Mr Lizard, taken too soon because he's a bastard!
Mr Lizard, taken too soon because he’s a bastard!

It’s been a long days walk so I make camp in a nice quiet spot. I make a point of checking all the nearby bushes for people!

Day 14
I wake up early again, I thought I heard a rustling in a nearby bush, but it was just Meeko weeing. In my haste to get some sleep last night, I didn’t notice I had made camp right next to a huge rib cage, I don’t want to meet the creature that is comes from, it’s massive!

Meeko, tent, giant rib cage!
Meeko, tent, giant rib cage!

The air is crisp and clean, the sky is speckled with cloud, birds are singing, the day looks like it’s shaping up to be lovely, so why do I have a grown sense of dread? Probably something to do with being able to see a huge fort in the distance, from my experience they contain either skellingtons or murderous bandits, I sneak forward to have a look.

I climb a small hill then spy another strange collection of stones, they look unlike anything I’ve ever seen before, I sneak forward, there is no one around so I have a little investigate.

Skyrim postcard 4282
Skyrim postcard 4282

There are strange pillars with symbols on and a lever, I can rotate the pillars and pull the lever but nothing happens, I spend five minutes playing around then it dawns on me I might be trespassing, so I quickly hobble back to the road.

I’m instantly set upon by two wolves, Meeko and my arrows make them less alive, I skin them and continue my walk.

In front of me, just lying on the road is a huge dead elk, it seems a shame to let all this meat and fur go to waste, I get my dagger out to skin and take some meat when it dawns on me, someone else may have hunted and killed this, it doesn’t belong to me, what was I doing? My moral compass has gone askew recently, looting thieves, trespassing, playing with pillars and harvesting flesh of dead animals I’ve not hunted. What have I become? No, this isn’t me, no more will I steal from the dead, if I want food or items, I have to buy the, I have to earn my own money by working for it myself and not just picking up what I find, which ironically means I go about picking up what I can find, in that I go picking every wild flower and herb I can see!

No Meeko, you can't eat it!
No Meeko, you can’t eat it!

Later in the day I bump into a farmer who is leading the graphitized cow, I press him for some answers. Apparently the cow is an offering to some giants so they won’t eat his livestock. I can’t resist but to offer my help, he politely tells me to go away.

I don’t go away, I sneak after him so see what happens, how often are you going to see something like this in your life? I follow him, he keeps looking back at me, but doesn’t tell me to go away, we’re basically best friends now. The cow seems hesitant almost as if she knows what fate is about to befall her. When we get to the giant camp there are mammoths! I bet they are the ones with the giant rib cages.

Like meals on wheels, but this meal is on legs!
Like meals on wheels, but this meal is on legs!

The mammoths do not like this farmer’s presence at all, they both trumpet at him angrily, this alerts the giant who comes running over and with one almighty thwack from his club, turns the farmer into a human pizza of guts and smush! Thank god I’m far enough away to not incur the wrath of the giant or mammoths! I look round to check on Meeko. He’s nowhere to be seen, I walk all around the giants camp, I can see 2 wolves in the distance but no Meeko!

You turn to jam in 3..2..1..
You turn to jam in 3..2..1..

I walk near the camp fire to warm up, the graffiti cow has the same idea, I can see the wolves approaching, without my canine protector I am doomed, there is no river to escape into here. I try and hide next to the cow, that’s when I spy Meeko, he’s stood by the mammoths, I try and get closer to make him follow me, but not so close I get turned into human jam by the giant, let’s hope I’m as sneaky as I am old!

Meeko?

Meeko what are you doing?

Meeko no, bad dog!!

No, Meeko stop!!

Meeko, nnnoooooooo!!!

Bad dog!
Bad dog!

Meeko starts a fight with the mammoths, it’s a fight he can never win! Every time I get near him, he runs away to attack the mammoths once more, the only thing I can do it stand in front of him, but no matter how much I try and block him, once he recovers a bit he takes off after the mammoths again. He’s stuck, the blood lust has got the better of him, he is determined to murder the mammoths but they’re so powerful he can’t do any damage to them, they just kick him away and I can’t talk him out of it! Meeko is lost to me!

I have two options
1. Kill both mammoths and the giant
2. Abandon Meeko, leave him to his eternal struggle with the giant beasts, leave him, turn my back on him, my only true friend and protector!

There is no way on earth or Skyrim I could kill both mammoths and the giant, if Meeko can’t do any damage to it, what chance do I have?

I have to apply some cold hard clinical logic here, I do the only logical thing I can do!

Very bad dog!
Very bad dog!

Next time – Parting is such sweet sorrow

Old man in Skyrim – Part 9

The Premise
Skyrim is a vast sprawling game, you can pretty much do anything you want, so I decided to live in Skyrim, to see how an old man coped with the harsh environment and bizarre folk that inhabit this land. This is my tale!

The Rules
80 year old man in Skyrim.
Only doing what an average 80 year old can do.
No constantly running, using shouts (special powerful magics), magic or fast travel.
No murder or stealing or anything unethical, should always try to run away from a fight.
Read part seven here – https://radiothax.com/2013/10/30/old-man-in-skyrim-8/

Skyrim

Previously on ‘An old man in Skyrim’
I’m an 80 year old man trying to make a life for myself, after finding myself plonked in the middle of nowhere, with no clothes, money or food I’ve had to use my wits, body and brain to make a living for myself, I’m now a fully fledged bard after an horrific ordeal in a cave system riddled with zombies, I only survived because a dog adopted me and has been saving my life ever since.

So old, but such a fancy hat!
So old, but such a fancy hat!

Last night I decided I would move to Riften, a warm looking town, half a world away!

Chapter 2 – The walk to Riften

Day 10
The Road to Rorikstead

I wake up from a sleep that felt like a life time. My back, legs, arms and skin all ache from my recent endeavors. This is no life for an old man, looking around the inn, the faces of the patrons are all haggard and worn, yet they must only be in their mid 30’s, this is a harsh place to live, not many folk make it to 80 and those that do, do not go venturing in caves fighting zombies.

I need to retire and as I decided last night in a drunken stupor, I shall move to the warm looking (it looks warm on the map anyway) town of Riften in the south. Meeko is sitting beside me looking ready for anything, he’s such a good dog, I owe him my life several times over, it’s only right I bring him with me and find us a nice restful home to call our own.

Dog, inn, Bard - A usual night for me
Dog, inn, Bard – A usual night for me

We get up, thank the barman for his bard filled hospitality and leave his establishment!

It’s pissing it down with rain!

We turn 180 degrees and walk back into the pub, I’ve got over 1000 gold, I’m practically a millionaire so I rent the room for another night till the storm passes. I splash out on 3 bottles of booze and some of the mystery meat I have become rather fond of. I make my way back to my usual room, which thankfully has been cleaned now, and I tuck into the foods I bought. The bard strikes up her wondrous enchanting drum music and I drift off to a long relaxing sleep.

Day 11
When I wake and go downstairs a man comes up to me and begs me to find a long lost drum, I tell him ‘not on your nelly old boy’, he tells me it’s priceless, I tell him I don’t give a funk and do my now customary manoeuvre and walk away, but as I do I accidentally ask him to teach me some speech techniques. I’m not sure how I agreed to it and I certainly don’t plan on making any impromptu speeches or sermons, but I accidentally agreed to pay him 250 gold to teach me, so I let him teach me. Minutes later im slightly more confident at public speaking but down 250 gold! Balls!

That's a very nice hat!
That’s a very nice hat!

I go outside, it’s still raining, I decide to leave before I accidentally sign myself up for life drawing classes or an accounting course!

From Solitude there are two main paths to Riften one via a northern pass which is covered by snow, ice and mountains or a southern path which is also covered by snow and mountains but less snow, however the path is much steeper. Both ways have advantages and disadvantages. I don’t have to decide which path to take yet as I have to travel to Rorikstead again as that’s where the road diverges into this north/south dichotomy.

As I walk I pass a few familiar places and faces on the way, the guard outside Solitude then the folks of Dragon bridge, who haven’t come back to life.

Bring out your dead!
Bring out your dead!

This journey is like a walk down literal memory lane, eventually I enter the bandits camp, just to check things are how I left them.

They are!

I will not search this bandit!
I will not search this bandit!

While looking around the camp I spot three strange tall stones in the distance that I’ve never seen before. I figure I’ll never come back here again so I best take every opportunity to see what I can while I’m here.

I make my way to the three stones and look at what they OH GOD!

1, 2, 3! How many corpses can you count children?
1, 2, 3! How many corpses can you count children?

There are three very dead people here, and watching over the very dead corpses is one very large and very alive cat or lion. I don’t waste time checking on its genus. Meeko the brave jumps in and goes paw to claw with it. The cat takes one swipe and sends Meeko about 20 feet through the air, I’m certain he’s dead and as the cat is bounding towards me, I will be following him to the afterlife very shortly.

I turn and fall off a cliff into the fast flowing river that has saved my life before, cats hate water, but this giant bruit doesn’t and dives right in.

That's one wet pussy!
That’s one wet pussy!

I swim over to an island, the cat luckily gets swept slightly further down river to another small island. Then something happens that blows my mind! A crab, a lowly crab pinches the cat with one claw and kills it! It didn’t even break a sweat, but then I don’t think crabs can sweat. The crab goes back to munching down it’s krill lunch and I make my way to shore, avoiding the deep fast flowing parts of the river.

That cat's got crabs
That cat’s got crabs

As soon as I get on land Meeko comes bounding up to meet me, he looks a little battered but mostly fine. I give him the best reward any dog can hope to get from a human, a pat on the head. We then make our way back to the road to Ror OH GOD ANOTHER CAT! Luckily for me Meeko must have done some damage to this one because it dies when I shoot an arrow at it, it probably also helps Meeko is attacking it too!

I go take another look at the scene of death I was looking at before the cats attacked us, yup, it’s horrific! I make my excuses and leave but not before skinning the cat we killed, its skin will make a nice pair of boots and a handbag.

We make it to Rorikstead by early evening and I do the only thing I’m good at, renting a room at the inn and buying meat and booze! I make full use of the facilities and sleep for 14 hours, the cat fight has really taken it out of me, literally, I think I’ve pooed myself!

Rorikstead, picture postcard lovely!
Rorikstead, picture postcard lovely!

Now it’s time to head out, onto the untraveled path, a new adventure awaits and it begins with one small step. I’ll just buy some traveling mead for the road!

Next time – The road less traveled

Old man in Skyrim – Part 8

The Premise

Skyrim is a vast sprawling game, you can pretty much do anything you want, so I decided to live in Skyrim, to see how an old man coped with the harsh environment and bizarre folk that inhabit this land. This is my tale!

The Rules

80 year old man in Skyrim.

Only doing what an average 80 year old can do.

No constantly running, using shouts (special powerful magics), magic or fast travel.

No murder or stealing or anything unethical, should always try to run away from a fight.

Read part seven here – https://radiothax.com/2013/10/25/old-man-in-skyrim-part-7/

Day 9

Yesterday was a terror the likes of which I never want to repeat, I vow to myself I will have absolutely nothing to do with tombs, crypts, graves, zombies or anything of that ilk, I’ll never go into a basement again if I can help it.

As if to act as a literal metaphor for my mood, the weather is cold, dark and brooding out on the moors when we get up, we’re going to head back to Solitude and sell these wares. I head off, passed the bandit camp, the noble man’s horse has disappeared now. The quicker I’m away from here the better!

Then on the road I meet 3 travelers on their way to a wedding, I simply can’t resist a wedding, I’ve never been able to walk passed a wedding and not gate crash, so I tag along, whether they want me to or not. I want to see what happens when they get to the bandits camp, will they fall into a void?

Let's hope they last longer than my last 3 friends
Let’s hope they last longer than my last 3 friends

We reach the bandits camp, a thief runs up behind us, before anyone can unsheathe any weapons, the thief trips over a boulder and falls on the floor dead! And I thought my ankles were weak!

The wedding party slowly amble up the road, the rain doesn’t seem to affect them the way it does me, I’m soaked through and it’s very cold! They start walking slower than I can bear so I walk ahead desperately hoping to find a house or ideally a pub.

20 minutes go by, I can barely focus I’m so cold, I look at the map, there is nothing anywhere near me. No towns, hamlets, villages or heated bus shelters. This is it, I’m done for! The cold wet fog surrounds me, enveloping me in its damp icy grip, all is lost, Meeko is no where to be seen. I am doomed!

So cold, eyes frozen!
So cold, eyes frozen!

Then out of the gloom, a glow appears, what is it? Zombie bandits? Bard ghosts looking for a poetry fix? A pack of pillaging crabs? No, it’s the light of a fire, a fire right by a building! THEBUILDINGSAPUB! I go in and get warm by their fire, without buying a drink, I’m not sure the barman is too happy about me availing myself of his fire without paying him, but i don’t care I’m bloody freezing! A few minutes later I warm up and go outside to check out the town.

I explore Rorikstead, it’s small and communal, the people here all seem to be farmers. I don’t take too long looking round because I’m freezing to death. I’m cold, wet and miserable again. I make my way to the barman, he greets me with a warm welcome, I open my coin purse and realize I’ve amassed over 500 gold coins! I’m relatively well off. I celebrate by drinking two whole bottles of mead. I contemplate the past two days; it’s been awful, I vow never again to do anything like that again, no more tombs, crypts, vaults, grave yards or highly populated forts. But at least now I’m warm, dry and drunk.

Once I’ve warmed up I head out and have a look around the town again. The only thing of note I find is a lone gentleman sitting on his own. I’m sure I heard him throw something on the floor when I walked in, so I search around, and spot some adult literature, the dirty little bugger!

50 shades of green
50 shades of green

Who should walk into town but my three wedding ‘friends’, I walk over and join them, they look cold and thirsty. Unsurprisingly they walk into the pub, hurray, new drinking buddies! We all sit in the inn and no one says a single word to anyone.

Let the good, but utterly silent times roll!
Let the good, but utterly silent times roll!

I feel I might be impinging on their revelry so I go rent a room for the night, thankfully this place is bard free, unfortunately it’s also door free. I sit in my room and can’t help but drink two more bottles of wine; I get drunk which helps me forget Dead Men’s Respite. It helps me forget because I pass out!

Stop watching me while i sleep!
Stop watching me while I sleep!

Day 10

When I wake up I look for the wedding party, they have disappeared, bastards, I knew they didn’t like me. So Mekko and I set back on our way to Solitude to get rid of this damn poem and tell the bards to go stick their barding up their backsides. I signed on for this for the music, not for the hordes of zombies, ghosts and massive spiders.

The walk back to solitude is pleasant, the weather is fine and nothing horrific happens. The only thing of note is that I meet this happy band of god knows what. They tell me to ‘beat it’ so I leave them to it, whatever that might be.

We few, we happy few
We few, we happy few

I arrive at Solitude in the late evening and hand in the poem, the ungrateful bastard doesn’t look happy, apparently the poem is incomplete and mostly unreadable. I call him a swear word and begin to walk away. Then I turn round and ask the man if we can just make it up. He says yes! Yes?! Why did I have to go find the funking poem in the first place if we can just make it all up!? Everything I have done has been a giant waste of time, I swear again!

Here's your god damn poem, it better rhyme!
Here’s your god damn poem, it better rhyme!

The man makes up the poem, it’s dreadful, it doesn’t rhyme and the symbolism is shallow and void of deep meaning. But the pointy chinned fool seems happy and he goes and presents it to the court. He reads it out to the queen or what ever she is, it is very tedious, I didn’t sign on to be a bard to read out bad poetry.

There was a man from Nantucket
There was a man from Nantucket

Then something happens that baffles me, the court love it! What? Why do they like it so much? Meh, either way this festival will go ahead, which is apparently the whole point, which is news to me. At the festival I am going to be initiated into the bards college. I will become a bard, I’m conflicted about this now. Will I have to stand in a pub and annoy people all night?

I go to the bards college and tell them this festival, of which I’ve only just become aware, is now ‘back on’.  Jorn is very happy about this! The party begins at dusk.  Just enough time for me to harvest all the flowers and plants that have grown in the days since my departure.

Dusk comes and the party is in full swing when I get to the college.  There are tables of snacks and food all about, and they’re free to try, I’m not a greedy man so I just sample one of each.

Mmmm boiled cream treat, sounds delicious!
Mmmm boiled cream treat, sounds delicious!

I then go to the main festival attraction.  Good lord it’s grim, haven’t they heard of tinsel and fairy lights? It’s so gloomy it makes Halloween look like Easter!

Bard festival, it's about poems not lights and colour!
Bard festival, it’s about poems not lights and colour!

They set fire to a big straw man and for some reason at the same time announce I’m a bard. Well whoopee shit! This couldn’t feel more anti climatic if it tried.  I have a chat with a few of my fellow bards, and the cheeky gits all ask me to go on deadly missions for them. I return to my ‘go to’ response and simply walk away from them.

Where's Edward Woodward when you need him?
Where’s Edward Woodward when you need him?

I now need to off load all this junk I seem to have acquired on my travels. From it I manage to make a very nice fur lined tent, no more freezing to death for Cecil! Then with the gold I have made, I get completely drunk. Again! It numbs the memories of Dead Men’s Respite! My favorite bard blathers on while I sit in the inn and contemplate my next move. What should I do? I can’t stay here, I may be a bard but there is no bed for me in the college. I can’t make a living from chopping wood, I would die in a week of such hard labour. No, I think a warmer and drier climate is required!

I look at my map, the furthest city south is Riften, it looks nice I suppose, there is a nice big lake there and there seems to be less snow. Yes, that’s what I’ll do! I’ll move to Riften! It’s a mighty undertaking and it means walking across all of Skyrim but if I make it alive I have a feeling I will be very happy there!

I'm moving to Riften
I’m moving to Riften

But first, I drink and listen to this bard one last time!

A booze, my true friend!
A booze, my true friend!

End of Chapter One

Coming next time – There and hopfully not back again, An Old Mans Tale

Coming in a while, when i’ve done it!

Old man in Skyrim – Part 7

The Premise

Skyrim is a vast sprawling game, you can pretty much do anything you want, so I decided to live in Skyrim, to see how an old man coped with the harsh environment and bizarre folk that inhabit this land. This is my tale!

The Rules

80 year old man in Skyrim.

Only doing what an average 80 year old can do.

No constantly running, using shouts (special powerful magics), magic or fast travel.

No murder or stealing or anything unethical, should always try to run away from a fight.

Read part six here – https://radiothax.com/2013/10/18/old-man-in-skyrim-part-6/

Day 8

I’m woken up by the sound of a woman screaming. Meeko and I rush out to search for her. Two hours later we find a dead Stormcloak courier just lying on the road. There are no signs of struggle, she hasn’t been robbed. I of course don’t steal her belongings, she hasn’t done me any harm, I won’t grave rob, unless they have tried to murder me. Maybe she had a heart attack.

How did she die?!
Death by invisible breast pinch?

I take a while to rest and plan my day, then while I’m sitting at a bench eating my mid-morning raw potato, I see a tiny island not 50 feet away from the bandit camp. This is where I was meant to be going all along! So everything I’ve done since finding out about this treasure has been a huge waste of time.

Meeko won’t be able to swim to the island as the current seems very strong, so I order him to stay. I can’t risk my only friend and protector being washed away. The only problem is, if I run into trouble on the island I will have to defend myself.  Though what trouble can I get into on this tiny island? At worst a scraped knee from slipping over maybe.

Sit Meeko sit, good dog!
Sit Meeko sit, good dog!

I can see the chest on the island and use the handy stepping stones to get to it, if I fall I’ll probably get swept into the rocks and crack my skull open. This chest better be full of gold and fancy diamond garments! I get across without hassle and get to the chest. IT’S LOCKED!  I swear for about 5 minutes then realize I have the key in my pocket, it was by the bandit chiefs bed. I look around to see if anyone’s witnessed my sweary outburst. I can’t see anybody, embarrassed I unlock the chest. And the haul? 90 gold, some rubbish boots and a gem worth about 80 gold!

Phwar, look at that booty!
Phwar, look at that booty!

I’ll be honest, it’s hardly a life’s savings, what was the bandit chief going to do with this nest egg? Spend a week in an inn then buy a cardboard box with a view of a sewer?

Well that was worth risking my life for! I meet up with Meeko and realize I’m struggling to carry all the junk I’ve acquired. It’s a long walk back to solitude to sell all the things I’ve plundered so I dump the worthless heavy junk in the nearest chest. After yet another disappointing quest I decide I’m going to just have a look back in Dead Men’s Respite, Meeko might be able to easily defeat these zombies, he’s pretty handy with his teeth and I have a bow and some arrows now, I don’t see anything morally wrong with killing zombies, they’re already dead.

We go in, I can hear some shambling from lower in the chamber. Meeko rushes ahead and take two of them down instantly, I manage to shoot one back to death then the final one is dispatched by a shot from me and a bite from Meeko’s teeth.

Meeko does the damage and I finish them off!
Meeko does the damage and I finish them off! Tag team zombie murder!

I now have the grim task of searching their corpses, they have a modest amount of gold each, how they earned it I’ll never know, zombie bob a job? I also pull my arrows out of their impaled guts. In the next chamber? Oh just giant spiders! Thankfully they only take one arrow to kill, I’m pretty handy with this bow!

The horror!
The horror!

After several chambers of the most horrific thing’s I’ve ever experienced in my life I have to stop and sit down, I’m so terrified, death surrounds me at every turn. This is the stuff of nightmares, this is an horrific dream I can’t seem to wake from.  Still, at least it can’t get worse than zombies and giant spiders.

Oh, it got worse!

There are giant swinging axes! Why are there giant swinging axes? Who built this place? What possible use could a passage of giant swinging axes ever have? Meeko manages to run through without getting hit. I’ve got two big zombies following me, I’ve no choice but to make a run through, this could be the end. I run the gauntlet, luckily the adrenaline of the constant horror keeps me sharp and spry, I make it through, the two zombies following me can only muster a slow shamble and the axes make light work of them. I guess that is the only use a passage of giant swinging axes has!

What possible practical use is this!?
What possible practical use is this!?

In the next chamber the ghost appears and sits next to a corpse holding a book, I can see it’s the poem I’ve been looking for. Will the corpse now read me a passage? Thankfully no. I punch the ghost in the face for putting me through this ordeal

Take that you dead bardstard!
Take that you dead bardstard!

He stands up and beckons me to follow him, I assume for a reward. He leads me to a big door which is opened by the red claw thing I picked up days ago. The giant door slowly opens revealing a room with so many corpses I can’t count them all. They of course all spring to ‘life’ but to my intense happiness they all attack the ghost. He fends them off with Meekos help and I chip in with my arrows from a very safe distance.

Zombie conference, with ghost guest speaker.
Zombie conference, with guest ghost speaker.

We eventually dispatch them all, this sure is some hard core poetry! The ghost breaks out his ghost lute and strums a tune while I search the corpses for gold and the what not. I find a key on a fancy looking zombie, it opens a door and a chest, I take the gold and grab Meeko and hobble out of this hell hole as fast as I can.

Ghost jazz funk
Ghost jazz funk

We make it onto the moors, its night, I’m utterly petrified, I make my tent near the fisher woman’s hut and weep myself to sleep!

You weren’t  there man, you don't know what it was like!
You weren’t there man, you don’t know what it was like!

Old man in Skyrim – Part 6

The Premise

Skyrim is a vast sprawling game, you can pretty much do anything you want, so I decided to live in Skyrim, to see how an old man coped with the harsh environment and bizarre folk that inhabit this land. This is my tale!

The Rules

80 year old man in Skyrim.

Only doing what an average 80 year old can do.

No constantly running, using shouts (special powerful magics), magic or fast travel.

No murder or stealing or anything unethical, should always try to run away from a fight.

Read part five here – https://radiothax.com/2013/10/17/old-man-in-skyrim-5/

Day 7

Let's look for treasure!
Let’s look for treasure!

I wake up to the sounds of Meeko barking and sniffing loudly, I suspect I have severe night farts. There is certainly a smell that would attest to this. I get up, eat a lump of some food, I’m not sure what exactly, more mystery meat. I check my map and see an island that I suspect the treasure might be on, so we head in that direction. The only problem is that we can’t get round or passed the cliffs, the bandits certainly chose a good impenetrable spot. The only options I can see is either going back the long way around, past fort skellingtons and that angry bear or heading off onto the moors and trying to climb round via that way or heading south and trying to cross the river and come at it from below. I take the last option as I don’t know if I can face either skellingtons or clambering over a steep hill.

We get over a bridge and spy in the distance, a buck being chased by two wolves. Everywhere on this damn world is dangerous. For the first time I unsheathe my bow, before I’ve even figured out how to put an arrow in Meeko has killed the two wolves. It’s a shame to let good fur and meat go to waste so I harvest them. We walk not more than 50 feet when were set upon by three bandits. Why won’t this place give me a break?! Meeko attacks and kills two but the third is coming at me, even though he is punching me into next week I can’t bring myself to raise my bow to him. I run away with him chasing me. Though I’m wily and run towards Meeko, who quickly leaps to my defence. That man really hurt me, he might have broken a rib. I plunder his and his companions pockets for gold, it’s the least they can do for me, they were happy to murder me and my dog, why should their corpses be rich?

Meeko, defender of the elderly!
Meeko, defender of the elderly!

We continue along the road a short way and by the time we’ve met and killed our fifth bandit I decide it’s probably best to turn around and clamber over the moors instead of continuing this way. As we walk towards the moor an unpleasant man tells me to ‘Go home milk drinker’. I’d love to go home and drink some delicious milk, I don’t know why he was so angry at me, so I just walk away from his grumpy bum. I don’t know why this area is so busy but seconds after the grumpy man, I meet a noble man on a horse, he even has a guard with him. A wise idea in these parts. I speak to the noble man, he practically spits at me and rides away. Why can’t these horrible people have been killed instead of my drinking buddies.

A toff and his guard!
A toff and his guard!

Meeko and I walk over the moors, it’s actually easy and quite pleasant, and wolf/bandit free. From up the hill we can see the bandit camp. For some reason, the noble man has gone in and walked his horse onto the bridge. What is he playing at? Inspecting the corpses? Oh god, does he know what my dog has done?! We only acted in self-defence, it was us or them. I can’t see his guard. But on the hill opposite I can see a few figures running this way and that, what is going on round here, is it a bandit conference?

Nobleman on a horse on a bridge!
Nobleman on a horse on a bridge!

I’m well rested and we walk on the moors some more, then we stumble on a bizarre scene, a dead deer and an abandoned war axe. I was thinking about making camp here but decide against it. I plan on camping by the fishing hut, but as I walk towards it I catch a glimpse of the bandit camp again. I can see the horse, but no noble or guard. Is this place some kind of human Bermuda triangle? I walk nearer and find an easy path round to the bandit camp, meaning I have wasted a whole day trying to find a route round over the moors and paths.

The horse looks incredibly shocked, I wish I knew what had happened!

What horrors did it witness?
What horrors did it witness?

I search the entire camp but can’t find any sight of the two gentlemen, where ever they are, I hope they’re happy together. I decide to spend another night in the bandit chefs bed, seems too nice an opportunity to let it go to waste.