Category: Rant

Complaint to walkers 2

Dear Sir/Madam

I have written to your company once before, that time I was so angry I was visibly shaking with rage, well this time, my anger is so great that I have gone beyond shaking and am still as a really calm mill pond, but don’t let that deceive you for what I have just witnessed in my local Tesco is so utterly offensive to me that I don’t know what to do with myself. It’s half past nine at night and I don’t know if I will sleep tonight, the rage is so great. Fear not though, I am not a violent man in anyway, I will not lash out at anyone, if anything I will turn the anger into something creative, I may write a song about all this in the end!

But please allow me the honour of explaining the cause of my rage. I have previously written to you about walkers decision to cease production of Salt and cracked black pepper sensation crisps as can be read here

“Dear Sir/Madam of the walkers crisp conglomeration

Forgive me if my spelling goes awry in this communication as I am literally shaking with rage at the unforgivable actions of your company. Firstly I wish to make it plainly clear I am furious at the actions of the company and not the poor individual who has to read and respond to this letter. I bear you no ill will good sir or madam, it is not your fault I am in such a rage. Please don’t take the tone of this letter personally, you have to work and replying to such communiqué is your job, I know in these recessionary times we all have to do what we can to make end meat. I hope your day is going well, personally my day was going very nicely, that was until I saw what I saw, which I suppose you would be interested in knowing as this is the whole reason I am writing to you.

Picture the scene in your idea purse (brain) I was happily doing my usual Monday morning shop at my local Tesco, getting the essentials sundries such as anchovies, cooking chocolate, vegan beef, staples (I don’t own a stapler but I like the way staples look), dragon fruit, dog egg bags, wheat free wheat and of course Smaptons. As I say, just the essentials!

Then I thought I would treat myself to some of your delicious crisp based potato snack items. And this is when things took a turn for the unpleasant. Now let me give you a little back ground on me, Cecil, I’m not a young man, I’ve been around a few blocks, I know how the world works more or less and I have come to term with the fact that some produce go out of production. It’s a sad fate to be sure, I still weep and pine for a Cadburys Spira! So several years ago when your company in their infinite stupidity decided to cease production of the salt and black pepper sensations crisps, I literally rued the day! It was a black day when I walked into my Tesco and saw the rest of the sensations range, but no longer my beloved salt and black pepper sensations. I wanted to write and complain there and then, but I was simply too upset. It was what started off a great depression of mine, and try as hard as my beloved wife did to recreate those crisps with your ready salted and her own black pepper, they simply weren’t the same.

Years passed and I still couldn’t bring myself to write to you and voice my shock and disbelief at this baffling action. I assume they weren’t a good seller, but they always were the first to sell out in our Tesco. Because they were simply the best crisps ever made! And that’s taking into account Brannigans roast beef and mustard! So then imagine my horror when as I was walking in my Tesco this morning I spy a new flavour of sensations, at first my heart sang with the joy of a thousand cherubs in spring! Then as I adjusted my glasses and read the flavour on the packet my heart sank, like a Titanic in April. This new flavour still wasn’t a return of the Salt and black pepper deliciousness. It was some prawn based taste, I don’t know specifically because I’ve forgotten! Why are you constantly bringing out these dreadful new flavours and not reinstating a classic?! Nobody I know cares about onion based crisp flavours! And on closer inspection these crisps were from you ‘Extra crunchy’ line. I have no idea what the thinking was being this product line, who wants thick crisps!? I did a short survey and 3 out of three people said ‘no’ they didn’t want crunchy crisps! And if that’s the feeling across the nation, you’re backing a losing product line there!

So I write this to literally beg you, Walkers crisp people, I beg you like Braibbian would beg his Alfontae in summer, please bring back the salt and black pepper sensations type, pleeeeseesseeessaseeeee!!!!!!

If you do bring them back I will literally sing your praises.

Dear Cecil

Thank you for your recent email regarding Walkers crisps and our company.

I have noted from your email that you have raised a number of different enquiries and I hope to be able to address all of your questions in turn.
I would like to start with our Walkers Sensations crisps, and sadly, I do have to disappoint you as we have no future plans to re-launch the Sea Salt & Cracked Black flavour crisps within this range at this time, though I shall certainly be passing on your feedback regarding this flavour to my colleagues within our marketing and developments team.

It is always a difficult decision for our marketing teams when they have to discontinue a flavour, though you are correct in that this normally is the decision that is made when a particular flavour is not as popular and not selling as well as originally anticipated.

Thanks once again for your email.

Regards

Karen De Burle

Customer Services”

So then, knowing how I previously felt about Walkers decision to stop making the salt and cracked black pepper sensation crisps, you can imagine my utter inconceivable horror when, while perusing the crisp isle at my local Tesco, my eye came up Walkers Market Deli.

I would just like to know when the flying flippery is going on a Walker?! Why would you do this to me? Have I offended you in some way? This seems like the biggest slap in the face anyone could give me! Not only do you clearly still have the salt and cracked black pepper flavouring but then you refuse to put it on a normal crisp, instead you dust in on an abhorrent tortia. I honestly, I, there are no words to describe how flummoxed I am at this decision.

I just stood in Tesco, looking at these things, a look of shear horror and disbelief on my face, because for 3 wondrous brief seconds, I thought Walkers had reversed their idiotic decision and brought back my most favourite crisps.

I of course had to buy and try these tortia nibbles, when I got home I knew it wouldn’t be like it was with the sensations, a tortia is a very brittle, bland snack also a very dry snack. I knew as soon as I’d put one in my mouth it was wrong. It was making an insipid mockery of what I had loved. This is the phantom menace all over again!

So once again I am begging you to bring back the salt and cracked black pepper sensations crisps, enough with this Walkers Market Deli nonsense, they’re too posh, too elitist. If I wanted a highbrow crisp I would go to Marks and Spenser, except I would because I don’t want an overpriced bland crisp, I want my beloved salt and cracked black pepper sensations back!

I guarantee these posh crisps will not sell well, with in a year Walkers will cease production of them, nobody likes a snobby crisp, don’t get ideas above your snacky station, a crisp is the go to snack for the common man (or woman), we don’t want to feel were being judged by a crisp.
I’ll not sleep tonight because of all this!

Thank you for your time

Cecil Thax

PS
It’s the day after I wrote this and thankfully I did sleep very well, but the bag of Market Deli tortias sits on my table, with 70% of them still in the bag, mocking me at what could have been!

Begone vile tasting non salt and pepper crisps!
Begone vile tasting non salt and pepper crisps!

Complaint to Tesco

Dear Tesco

I hate to start any communicate on a downbeat and sombre tone, but I simply must on this occasion.

I am utterly baffled, miffed, confused and quite frankly outraged at something that has happened in your stores! Why oh why oh why have you seen it fit to stop producing the Tesco’s own brand of salt and vinegar rice cakes?! I have another complaint which for the life of me I can’t remember what it is now, I’m so enraged at the rice cakes issue! I’m sorry to be so indignant but I am incredibly cross! Please, allow me the time to explain why your action has vexed me so!

I am not a thin man, my son is also the wrong side of round, we both live together and since my wife left me both our emotions have gone down in a shame spiral faster than an airliner over Russia. We’ve both been incredibly depressed and we’ve taken to over eating, which is odd because when I was a younger man, when I got upset or depressed I would stop eating, but not this time. Last night I had two cheese cakes (full size) and my son ate a full leg of lamb, before his Smamptons were ready I might add! Without my wife, my life has become an empty barren wasteland of self-loathing and anger! This was until several weeks ago, when I had taken my son to a local gymkhana. We don’t like horses, I have had a fear of horses all my life; I find them to be very judgemental creatures. But we went because my son heard there were free cakes.

While there I got talking to a lady called Pearl, she was a ripe old bird, flirty as the day is long and twice as sassy. She’s a cockney, I’m a northern man, her coarse acerbic wit tickled me pink. She also had a daughter, who she lovingly referred to as ‘Titty’ on account of her resemblance to a small bird. We spent the whole afternoon talking and mocking the people riding on the back of horses, but Pearl is a very thin lady, she didn’t eat a single atom of food all the time we were together, neither did Titty. She did however; make several snide yet amusing comments about mine and my son’s weight. My son is a social hermit, he can’t even look a lady in the eye, let alone talk to one, but Titty went and sat next to him all afternoon, she spoke to him and didn’t seem to mind that he couldn’t reply. Needless to say he has fallen in love with this girl. But the comments about our weight stung, sticks and stone may break my bone but words will also very certainly hurt me!

That night after my son and I got home we vowed we would go on a diet and lose some of our tummy flab and woo these ladies, who knows maybe a double father/son wedding is on the cards. I meant we’d be marrying these ladies, I don’t want to marry my own son, I want to make that perfectly clear.

We went to our local Tesco (Bridlington, East Yorkshire) and looked at the healthy foods, after at least an hour we decided to buy your own brand salt and vinegar rice cakes, I have tried none flavoured rice cakes before and they were bland and unpleasant but the idea of a flavoured savoury rice cake intrigued me!

These salt and vinegar Tesco’s own rice cakes were like delicious disks of savoury joy, each mouthful was a ballet on the pallet. The salt and vinegar taste sent my tongue into a revelry, never have I known such flavoursome delights! The only problem with this was that they were too nice and we had to go back to Tesco that very afternoon to purchase another 4 packets! It wasn’t the best start to a diet, but when something tastes this good, who cares.

Within a week we had eaten at least 10 packets each, though I’d not gained any weight or lost any, we had discovered that adding a topping of your own brand Brussels pate to the rice cakes was maybe the best thing I have ever eaten in my life. No, not maybe, it was, it was the nicest thing I have ever eaten in all my years!

I knew it wasn’t the healthy way to consume these low fat snacks, but I was quite depressed so they brought me comfort.

So then imagine my horror and upset when on the same day Pearl told me she didn’t want to see me anymore (and Titty similarly wasn’t interested in my son) we also found out that Tesco no longer make the salt and vinegar rice cakes! It was a black a day as I have ever known!

I’ve tried the expensive name brand rice cakes and I’m sorry to say I tried the Morrisons version, neither of these came anywhere close to tasting as nice as the Tesco version.

I just want to know why Tesco, why would you take it away after I’d only just found it? Everything we had, the time we spent together, was it all for nothing? Please bring them back, I long to hold them in my hand again, to taste their salty crunchy disks, the thrill before I bite one as my taste buds get ready to receive they ricey/salty/vinegary goodness. Please say it’s not over, please say they have only stopped being stopped temporarily while you make more.

Thank you

Cecil Thax

PS
My other complaint was that sometimes I feel like your self-service robot voice is a little too keen for me to “please take your items” it’s like she doesn’t want me there, I feel she should say something like “Please, in your own time, take your shopping, but only when you feel comfortable doing so, there is no pressure from me, would you like me to tell you a joke” it would lighten the mood and a nice (but not smutty) joke would be a lovely end to a shopping experience. Such as jokes like these

“So what’s the deal with old ladies paying for things using exact change?”

“What do you call a shop when it’s very busy and everyone is fighting over things? A shopping maul”

“Did you see the film about retail? No but I saw the prequel! Ah you’ve seen pretail?”

Very amusing jokes I’m sure you’ll agree!

—————–

Tesco’s reply

Dear Cecil

Thank you for your email.

I am sorry that you are outraged, and confused that you can no longer get the delicious salt and vinegar rice cakes you and your son have come to enjoy, I am sorry this item is temporary unavailable, in store and online.

If when in store next please ask at the Customer Service Desk for a product request card and you will be able to fill this in, and pass it back to the staff who willl pass your request to their stock control team to try to get this product back into the store , they will certainly try their best to do so.

Regarding your social life and the double wedding you have planned and still may happen, it sounds very exciting, and I am sure you will both make the day when it comes a fun day to remember, with a spouse on each arm of course and not your sons.

Even though Pearl and Titty are no longer on the scene,I am sure there will be other vivacious woman for you and your son to woo in the future, something to look forward to.

Did you have a great time at the local gymkhana, with plenty of free cakes it sounds a yummy day out and not to ignorred.

I have noted your comments regarding  our self -serve voices on our checkouts, they are a little robotic in the way they come over, but I have logged your comments in full, and this will be fed back to the relevant department for future information, I do agree with you a little humour goes a long way and cheers the day up no end.

Thanks again for contacting us Cecil, its been a pleasure, and an experience I have thoroughily enjoyed, and your quirky sense of humour is a real treat.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Kind regards

Janine Haines
Tesco Customer Service

Dear Phileas

Dear Phileas Fogg

Good morning to you Mr Fogg, I’m very sorry to besmirch your good character and have to communicate with you in such an infelicitous manner, but good sir, you and your actions have angered me greatly and can no longer withhold my feelings any longer.  Originally this communique was to be one of praise and appreciation at your new range of snacks and nibbles.  I dare say that on your adventure round the world, you happened upon such an array of new spices, taste and sensations that you simply had to share with the people of this fine country. For that I highly commend you. In fact until recently my communication unto you was to read thus

“Dear Phileas

My dear friend Philieas, though we have never met each other in person I feel a great deal of love toward you, you have always provided me with a wide range of enchanting snacks. Your new range of exotic nibbles are perhaps the most delightful I have ever tasted. I have tried your full range and can say with some glee that your Cheese and New York deli relish are the second best best crisp snacks I have ever tasted in my entire life, first place of course being the roast beef and mustard Brannigans crisps, that are sadly no longer with us.  You must have been in quite a revelry sampling all the flavours and foods the world has to offer, if only you’d had longer than 80 to try everything!”

And while those opinions are still very valid and I stand by them come hell or high water, I fear I cannot  issue you these compliments without also informing you of my deep upset and which I feel to be an utter betrayal!

These are harsh words I know, please let me explain from whence these opinions come.  Until recently I was enjoying your range of snacks on a bi daily basis, that’s every other day and not twice daily. I had tried every type of nosh in your new range, and came unto the conclusion that the cheese and New York deli relish were the nicest, as I’ve stated, the nices crisped snack I have ever had the pleasure to consume, after beef and mustard Brannigans. So I would only eat this flavour as I literally couldn’t get enough of them! Then last week or there abouts (1st of October ish) my local Tesco store simply stopped stocking this flavour! I was aghast! At first they claimed to simply be out of stock, but now, they have removed the range all together!  I have gone 15 days since my last crisp! We’ll I’ve tried other brands, but they simply pale into comparison compared to yours my dear Phileas!

What am I to do, no other outlet in my area stocks them! Have you ceased production of them? If this is the case, how could you, how can you take them away from me after we such a short time together. The sense of loss I feel is palpable! This has happened before, to the beef and mustard Brannigans crisps I keep mentioning. These were the best crisps in the world, so flavoursome, why the company that made these stopped production is something that baffles and deeply upsets me even now.

Oh where are your cheese and relish crisps Phileas? I now spend my days, lost in an air of despondency and downheartedness, I’ve tried making my own version but they are just cheese melted on walkers crisps (a far inferior brand by a country mile!). Oh what am I to do Mr Fogg? I simply have to taste them again, their subtle spicy flavour with the crunchy bubble texture is something my mouth longs to consume again.  Help me Phileas! I crave them so!

Yours Crispily

 

Cecil Thax

—————-

Their reply

Dear Mr Thax
Thank you for taking the time to contact us regarding our new Phileas Fogg range, which we are pleased to learn that you enjoy. Our records show that this product has been purchased by Consumers at Sainsbury & Asda.  It is possible that your Tesco have decided not to take this new product, if they are no longer available at the promotional price.
Brannigans crisps are still in production, these are usually available from independent retailers or public houses, as these outlets obtain their stock from wholesalers and Cash & Carry.
Unfortunately, we are unable to pin point stores in your area, you would have to check at store level.
Regards
Joanne Jones
Consumer Services
Phileas Fogg bubble crisps
Phileas Fogg bubble crisps

 

Complaint to Chicago Town Pizza

Dear Chicago Town (Company, not an open letter to the citizens of Chicago)

Good morning, I hope my communication finds you well and having a nice day at work, hopefully you’ve had a nice coffee (or tea, or other beverage of choice) and are maybe enjoying a biscuit or 4, unless of course you suffer from diabetes in which case you still could have special biscuits, they make diabetic chocolate now, so a whole world of sweet non sugary goodness is opened up.  I myself am currently chomping on a ginger nut.

That was the ‘bread’ in my complaint sandwich, in which I compliment you, then give you the unfortunate negative nature of my complaint then I shall once again compliment you so that my stinging comments on your company are slightly lessened by my pleasant statements. So please don’t take the following complaint personally, it is aimed solely at the company for which you work and I hope you don’t take anything I’m about to say personally.

On the 7th of August in the year of a lord 2013 I was perusing my local Tesco retail house, this day was a special day, my wife and son had gone to the auctions to have a look for some replacement model railway trees and foliage after quite an horrific pile up on the lines, this was mostly due to a neighbour’s cat getting on the railway and trampling St Swithens station and my B725 engine. So my afternoon and lunch time was free and also I had the rare treat of being able to choose my own lunch, usually I will have to share my wife’s riveta or rice cakes.  Generally I don’t mind this, but their bland cardboard taste gets a little tiresome.  Though I’ve never actually eaten cardboard, but I assume it’s fairly bland.  So it was with a skip in my step that I walked down each isle of Tesco seeing what treats might catch my eye for my special solo lunch.

I also did a bit of shopping while I was there, Bee’s wax, cardamom pods, and anti-travel sickness wristbands, just the usual everyday sundries, but while I was walking around the store, your Chigago Town ‘The deep dish’ meat combo mini pizzas caught my eye.  Not literally caught my eye that would be incredibly painful, but rather the packaging attracted me and drew me in.  The pizza looked like a delicious disk of meaty, savoury, bread based cheesy goodness. I simply had to have it! My mouth began to water at just the thought of such a savoury snack. My wife would never, not in a year of blue moons or any amounts of months of Sunday allow me to have such a delight for a lunch time.  But she wasn’t here she was still at the auction and would be for some time. So I made my purchases and quickly walked home filled with glee at my impending rare and delicious lunch.

I got home, the house was empty, I put away my shopping and went about unpacking the pizzas from their cardboard housing.  But that’s when it happened, that’s when everything changed.  I slide the pizzas out of the box and ponst to the worktop, and what a sight I was presented with.  Rather than two circles of meaty goodness I was presented with what I can only describe as cheese pizzas not the meat combo pizzas shown on the box.  The box clearly shows a pizza literally smothered in bits of various types of meat, I counted them, on the box the pizza shows (roughly) at least 20 meat disks, 14 mini ham monoliths and 11 brown meat ‘lumps’.  Whereas on my pizza, the one in the picture on the right only had 4 meat disks, 3 (maybe 4) meaty lumps and 13 mini ham monoliths. So while the ham seemed about the right about, the other two meats were vastly lacking and this I’m sorry to admit upset me, I was welling up to be honest.  I’d had a bad week as it was and this was the meatless straw that broke my proverbial camel’s back. What with the train incident and the cracks developing in my Smapton case it had been a bad week and now my pizza topping which I had been so looking forward to, was I’m sorry to say, simply not up to the high standard I was expecting, if it was any standard, it was ‘sub’!

My hopes were dashed but like a trooper I carried on and cooked the small cheesy pizza, and do you know what? They were still delicious, but there was a distinct lack of meat in my mouth.  I don’t know why this happened, perhaps your pizza making robot was having a bad week too, perhaps it’s joints need oiling, it saw a depressing documentary about obsolete robots or its internet connection is too slow.  It’s a realm I have absolutely no knowledge so for me to hazard a guess as to why there was hardly any meat on the pizza is pure folly of the highest degree!

I’m sorry to be negative about anything and hope my comments haven’t stung your cooperation too badly.  I’m sure this lack of meaty goodness was just a glitch.  Thank you for taking the time to read my electronic letter, I hope you have a lovely rest of day at work.  Do you get free mini pizzas served to you at lunch time? Maybe once a month that would be nice, not every day though, unless you also do a lot of exercise but even so pizza should be a rare treat given its high meat content (well, usually).

 

Thank you

 

Cecil Thax

 

Ps

Pineapple on a pizza is abhorrent and should be illegal!

Oh for a pizza this big!
Oh for a pizza this big!

Thoughts on One Direction

The following is a complaint letter/email I sent to Hornsea Freeport, a local retail conglomeration. Read and enjoy do!

Dear Sir/Madam

Last Saturday on the 13th day of July myself and my family (one wife, one son) took a trip and/or an excursion to your land of retail dreams (Hornsea’s free port). I am unsure as to the specific time that we were there due to the retail revelry I was in while walking from shop to shop, browsing the dizzying array of wares on offer! I really must congratulate you on this capitalist enterprise, it’s the retail hub of east Yorkshire, a bargain to be had at every corner!

As we are planning a return trip to Italy in September my family and I were looking to get some new travel wears (new luggage, a handbag, mini travel pottles, hand fan, kilt and Smaptons) most of which we found and at a bargain price to boot! Speaking of boots, I returned a pair or walking boots to the Regatta shop this day and the manager there couldn’t have been more helpful, a quick and cheery exchange was made without fuss or a plum. Which is quite the opposite experience I had when once returning an item to the Mountain Warehouse, it was a very unpleasant experience with their manager, very unpleasant!

By and by we came to the section of the Freeport I dread! The lower area where the book shop and ‘youth’ clothes shop used to be (I’m glad this clothes shop has gone, I was always terrified I’d be mugged in or near there). Now just to tell you a little about me, I don’t like to read, the written word will often fill me with anger. I prefer a picture book. So usually when my wife goes to the book shop I will wait outside and have a delicious ice cream from Thornon’s. Which is exactly what I did on this occasion.

So with one mint choc chip ice cream I alighted on one of the many convenient benches just outside the book shop. That’s when it happened, that’s when everything changed. Usually the music piped throughout the Freeport has been the Beatles or similar, while not my particular fovorate, these have always been tolerable (I’m a blues my myself). But now, for some unknown reason, there was modern kiddy pop being forcibly squeezed through the speaker and reluctantly into my jaded old man ear pouch!

As I sat there basking in the summer sun, consuming the sweet cool iced minty cream, I was forced to listen to this ‘popular’ music. And try as hard as I did, I couldn’t not hear it. And that dear Sir or Madam is why I am writing to you, to complain about enforced listening of dross music. And music with a very sinister undertone. As I sat there, I couldn’t help hear every single word of this song, which I suppose is a testament to the production of the album, the lyrics were very clear.

At first I thought it was a song from a children’s televisual program, it sounded so simplistic and child like, I thought it might have been the theme tune to some kinds of child’s urban youth centre, like a modern day Bikers Grove theme tune, it was that kinds of naff, simplistic, soulless, computerized nonsense that seems prevalent these days. But I was clearly mistaken it was a song, from the hit parade!

I have done a bit of inter super highway web research into the song and found the lyrics to make double sure I heard correctly! I did! This song is called ‘Live while were young’ by the young boy band ‘One Direction’. As a gentleman in his 80’s I feel that the way they portray ‘living while young’ to be deeply offensive. I’ve done more living in my 60’s than I imagine these whelps have done in the 15 years they’ve been alive, if they’re even 15 they look like children to me.

On further listening to this pop vomit this lyrics literally beggared my belief. Let me take you through a few of the more baffling word nuggets and see if together we can reach some further understand of the human condition.

Firstly as far as I can tell this group consists of 5 young boys, all singing this song to one woman/girl, which going by the hedonistic sub text in this song speaks volumes about what their plans are with this poor young girl.

The first verse is Liam telling the young lady to come out of her window so they can have a celebration, though the specifics of this celebration is not specified, maybe he’s finished the last Peter and Jane book and had moved up to the next level of reading, or he went a day without going in his nappy, I don’t know. This verse speaks to me of the classic Romeo and Juliet, where young Romeo would ask Juliet to let down her hair so he could climb into her window and have his wicked way with her. It’s a classic tale so I shall forgive them for plundering these literary depths.

Then Zayn (Zayn!?) chips in with telling her that they will be ‘doing what they do’. I’m still unclear as to what this is. I’m hoping homework or helping out at a local community centre, maybe bob-a-job. Though I suspect it’s more likely to be happy slapping, or buying an asbo or getting quango’d or whatever the youth do these days. If they’re anything like the little devils near where I live they will be sitting on the town hall steps, playing heavy metal music’s and probably worshiping the Satan or a devil.

Then all the gentleboys sing together about going crazy until they see the sun, and we all know you should never look directly at the sun, but then if they are suffering mental illness all night then the last thing on their minds would be damaging their retinas. What’s worse is then that they declare they only just met this poor girl, which suggest that they went to a window and saw a girl and started singing at her to entice her out of her bedroom, like male boy sirens. Then the next line claims they will never stop, for anyone! Which totally contradicts their intentions a mere two lines ago (to stop when they saw the sun), which would corroborate their ‘crazy’ mental state. Then they declare they are going to ‘get some’, some what I don’t know, I can only assume by the debauched nature of the song they mean reproduction. They then continue to tell us they are going to ‘get some’ and ‘live while we’re young’. Because if they do make it into their 40’s they will, what exactly? Die? Watch news night review while eating a selection of cheese with French bread, with their wife, snuggled on the sofa. Which is just as much living as anything else, and one of my fondest memories and one of my fondue memories!

Later Zayn tells this young madam “Don’t let the pictures leave your phone (oh oh)” is this (oh oh) a veiled threat that if she did go to the press with photographic evidence of celebrating all night (while young of course) there may be dire consequences. The sub text would certainly suggest so.

And that’s pretty much all there is to this song, save to say that Harry only gets to sing the line “And live while we’re young” and nothing else. I assume he has the most severe mental problems and could only be coaxed to coherently sing just these 5 words.

Needless to say there is constant repeats of the refrain of ‘living while their young’. There is also a large nonsensical section of Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh, where they clearly have had a mental breakdown in the recording process, or maybe Harry was getting particularly aggressive and they were trying to satiate him with soothing tones. I personally hate songs that have gibberish in, if a group cannot think of any words to fill that melody then they shouldn’t bother at all!

In summation, why do these young men feel the need to only live while they’re young, does it speak of the fear of growing old, the lack of job prospects in the modern world, the isolation of all humans as we continue down this electronic communityless isolated modern society, perhaps they all have degenerative conditions and will all be dead by 23, maybe this song was their dying wish? I simply don’t know.

Why can’t modern music be like it was in my day, we had classics like Be-Bop-A-Lula, Bama Lama Bama Loo, Razzamataz-Jazzamataz, Do Wah Diddy Diddy, Rocko m’clocko and Plastic mambo. Those songs had clear meanings, none of this modern nonsense.

These were just the thoughts as I was forced to listen to the utter utter drivel while eating my ice cream. And my wife and son took ages in that book shop, and in the end they didn’t even buy anything.

So please, in future can you think about your song selection, I’m sure most if not all people of my age would have the exact same thought if they listened to this song, and they would feel even more isolated from the world because old age is seen as something to be feared, like a foreign land, slowly moving to invade your young and supple bodies and ravage them with frailty, immobility and bowel issues.

And you know what’s worse? My wife and son then wanted and ice cream, so they had one and sat on the bench. Luckily my wife didn’t stop nagging me about getting some new trousers so I couldn’t hear the next song.

Though I do have to say, now at Hornsea Freeport there is very little choice in gentlemen’s garments. Yes there are many shoe based shops, and a couple of places to get walking trousers, but if like me, the thought of trousers made from that cagoule type swissy material makes you physically sick then, you’re stuck for choice. I like my trousers polyester and beige or at a push cream. And sadly I cannot get these at your Freeport any longer. Where have all the old men’s shops gone? Long-time passing!

Thank you for your time, I hope you’re well

 

Cecil Thax

Live while you're young
Live while you’re young

Enquiry to Walkers crisps

Dear Sir/Madam of the walkers crisp conglomeration

Forgive me if my spelling goes awry in this communication as I am literally shaking with rage at the unforgivable actions of your company. Firstly I wish to make it plainly clear I am furious at the actions of the company and not the poor individual who has to read and respond to this letter. I bear you no ill will good sir or madam, it is not your fault I am in such a rage. Please don’t take the tone of this letter personally, you have to work and replying to such communiqué is your job, I know in these recessionary times we all have to do what we can to make end meat. I hope your day is going well, personally my day was going very nicely, that was until I saw what I saw, which I suppose you would be interested in knowing as this is the whole reason I am writing to you.

Picture the scene in your idea purse (brain) I was happily doing my usual Monday morning shop at my local Tesco, getting the essentials sundries such as anchovies, cooking chocolate, vegan beef, staples (I don’t own a stapler but I like the way staples look), dragon fruit, dog egg bags, wheat free wheat and of course Smaptons. As I say, just the essentials!

Then I thought I would treat myself to some of your delicious crisp based potato snack items. And this is when things took a turn for the unpleasant. Now let me give you a little back ground on me, Cecil, I’m not a young man, I’ve been around a few blocks, I know how the world works more or less and I have come to term with the fact that some produce go out of production. It’s a sad fate to be sure, I still weep and pine for a Cadburys Spira! So several years ago when your company in their infinite stupidity decided to cease production of the salt and black pepper sensations crisps, I literally rued the day! It was a black day when I walked into my Tesco and saw the rest of the sensations range, but no longer my beloved salt and black pepper sensations. I wanted to write and complain there and then, but I was simply too upset. It was what started off a great depression of mine, and try as hard as my beloved wife did to recreate those crisps with your ready salted and her own black pepper, they simply weren’t the same.

Years passed and I still couldn’t bring myself to write to you and voice my shock and disbelief at this baffling action. I assume they weren’t a good seller, but they always were the first to sell out in our Tesco. Because they were simply the best crisps ever made! And that’s taking into account Brannigans roast beef and mustard! So then imagine my horror when as I was walking in my Tesco this morning I spy a new flavour of sensations, at first my heart sang with the joy of a thousand cherubs in spring! Then as I adjusted my glasses and read the flavour on the packet my heart sank, like a Titanic in April. This new flavour still wasn’t a return of the Salt and black pepper deliciousness. It was some prawn based taste, I don’t know specifically because I’ve forgotten! Why are you constantly bringing out these dreadful new flavours and not reinstating a classic?! Nobody I know cares about onion based crisp flavours! And on closer inspection these crisps were from you ‘Extra crunchy’ line.  I have no idea what the thinking was being this product line, who wants thick crisps!? I did a short survey and 3 out of three people said ‘no’ they didn’t want crunchy crisps!  And if that’s the feeling across the nation, you’re backing a losing product line there!

So I write this to literally beg you, Walkers crisp people, I beg you like Braibbian would beg his Alfontae in summer, please bring back the salt and black pepper sensations type, pleeeeseesseeessaseeeee!!!!!!

If you do bring them back I will literally sing your praises.

Second point, my son has a very very popular YouTube channel, his video’s get almost 50 views a week! He’s just asked me if you would send him one of each bag of your crisps and he is willing to review each flavour and type. I told him this was a silly request and you would have no interest in such a review. He’s also asked me to ask you the following questions

  • What’s the biggest crisp walkers have ever made?
  • Do you get free crisps for working at walkers?
  • Have you met Gary Lineker? If so did he smell nice? ( he suspects he does)
  • Will you ever do those things were you hide money in bags again?
  • Have you ever seen a crisp with either Jesus or Mother Mary in/on?
  • What are your thoughts on the inferior crisps/corn snacks?
  • Do you do Willy Wonka style tours of your factory and would it be possible to get in the crisps and swim around in them like Augustus Gloop did (obviously not while they are being cooked, that would be far-fetched and foolish)?

My third point is that sometimes in crisps you get a lump of pure flavour coating, ie a chunk of the flavour powder that has congealed into a lump. This to me, is like finding a diamond in a coal face. I love it very much.

I’ll sign off now, thank you for taking the time to read my letter, I hope you will personally reinstate the salt and pepper crisps, I assume you have that level of authority, and if you don’t then I hope in time as you work your way up the walkers cooperate ladder (is that made of crisps) maybe you can bring about the new winds of change and reinstate this forgotten legend!

Thank you

Cecil Thax

Ps

Please bring them back!

Pps

I may have too much free time on my hands!

————————————————–

Walkers reply

Dear Cecil

Thank you for your recent email regarding Walkers crisps and our company.

I have noted from your email that you have raised a number of different enquiries and I hope to be able to address all of your questions in turn.

I would like to start with our Walkers Sensations crisps, and sadly, I do have to disappoint you as we have no future plans to re-launch the Sea Salt & Cracked Black flavour crisps within this range at this time, though I shall certainly be passing on your feedback regarding this flavour to my colleagues within our marketing and developments team.

It is always a difficult decision for our marketing teams when they have to discontinue a flavour, though you are correct in that this normally is the decision that is made when a particular flavour is not as popular and not selling as well as originally anticipated.

With regard to our Extra Crunchy crisps, I am sorry to learn that this range is not to your taste. Whilst I appreciate that you have spoken with friends about these crisps I can also confirm they were launched some time ago and have proven to be very popular so far and we trust that they will continue to grow in popularity in the future.

Your 2nd point raises the questions that you son has asked you to ask of us, along with mentioning that he also has a very popular You Tube channel and he would like us to send him some free samples so he may review these on his site. Sadly I do have to disappoint him as this is not a form of advertising that we can support at this time.

With regard to the other questions raised by your son I have copied and answered them below;

*What’s the biggest crisp walkers have ever made?
We don’t make crisps dependant on their size, and as I’m sure you’ll appreciate our crisps are limited to the size of the potatoes available.

*Do you get free crisps for working at walkers?
Occasionally

*Have you met Gary Lineker? If so did he smell nice? ( he suspects he does)
I haven’t met Gary Lineker so I would not be able to confirm or deny your son’s suspicions.

*Will you ever do those things were you hide money in bags again?
Our promotions team are always considering new and exciting promotions for our products, the best way to keep up to date is by registering on either our Facebook page or by registering your interest at our website.

*Have you ever seen a crisp with either Jesus or Mother Mary in/on?
No, sadly not.

*What are your thoughts on the inferior crisps/corn snacks?
Working at Walkers crisps, I only enjoy Walkers crisps and Snacks so I am unable to comment.

*Do you do Willy Wonka style tours of your factory and would it be possible to get in the crisps and swim around in them like Augustus Gloop did (obviously not while they are being cooked, that would be far-fetched and foolish)?
Sadly we are unable to offer factory visits at this time.

Your last point in your letter mentions that you have found lumps of flavouring within purchases of our products and whilst I understand that you have quite enjoyed the flavours, I would like to assure you that they should not be within any purchases from our range and we would ask that if you do find lumps of flavour to let us know so that we may address this with the relevant production team in the future.

I do hope that I have managed to answer all of your concerns, but if either myself of any of my colleagues can help further please do not hesitate to contact us again, either by email or telephone on our freephone number 0800 274777.

Thanks once again for your email.

Regards

Karen De Burle
Customer Services

———————————————-

Cecil’s reply to Karen De Burle’s reply

Dear Karen

Firstly let me commend you for not only taking the time to read my electronic thought sheet, but also taking time from your life to reply to it in such a thorough manner.  Though as you work in customer support, I suppose this is part and/or parcel of your jobs remit.  I hope my words didn’t upset you as from your reply you’ve had to impart bad new to me on almost every possible point.

I have to admit I was highly disappointed to read that there are no plans to bring back the salt and cracking black pepper crisps.  If I was a younger man I may use one of these modern emoticons, but as it stands I’m old and loath the slack way the youths speak. What does chillax even mean!?

I told my son at your decision to not send him free crisps, and he took the news on his ample chin.  He was quite philosophical about it, stating “you don’t ask, you don’t get”, but he did have one further question which is why I am writing to you again (apart to thank you for your reply, I would have written to thank you for that regardless, a little common courtesy never hurt anyone). He asks

  • Am I (he) allowed to review Walkers crisps on my (its) YouTube channel, if I (him) purchases them myself (his own) or is this illegal.  I (Paul) ask this because you never seen on or in telly/magazines reviews of food products.  They review gadgets or ‘tech’ as that bald person calls them, and cars get reviewed by rich idiots, but never food stuffs.  Why can’t we be told which is the best instant coffee? Mellow birds or Nescafé? Which brand of Rice cakes is the least cardboard? Maybe the TV people have missed a trick, maybe it will be the new format on daytime TV, replacing the endless antiques based searching. I (he) might go on dragons den with the idea! Unless it’s illegal to review/compare foods/products? So to go back to my (her) initial question am I allowed to review Walkers crisps in a video on my YouTube channel, ranking the best flavour in a top 5 style list section, I would probably also discuss what crisps and size bag to choose for a film, or tv depending on crisp thickness, bag size, deliciousness and film/tv program being viewed.  There is no point in having a single small bag if you’re watching something like an action blockbuster because the mind numbingess of said film would mean your attention wavers and you consume a higher number of crisps! Whereas some kind of psychological thriller is going to keep your mind going and you won’t be reaching for the snackables as often, so you could get away with just a couple of normal size bags.  I have yet been unable to determine how many crisps are needed for one of these chickadee flicks as I’ve never watched one!  Sorry I seem to have gone slightly off topic.  So in summation, can I review Walkers crisps that I purchase myself, or will I have to refer to them as ‘the leading brand of crisps’ and would I be able to include packaging or would it have to be blurred out?

Hello again, Cecil here, he’s got himself in a legal quagmire and is deeply confused as to why all TV shows don’t show products.  And I have to admit I’m unsure, and I can’t afford a lawsuit.  I can’t afford a normal suit either.

I have also sadly never seen a Jesus or Mother Mary in a crisp, or any kind of snack produce, though I have on occasion put a blue towel on my head and pretended to be Mary, though my wife takes offense at this so I don’t do it anymore.

I shall sign off now, again thank you Karen for your swift and thorough reply.  I am sad there won’t be any more salty & cracked black pepper crisps.  I’ll have to try and make my own, though if my wife’s attempts were anything to go by, it will result in over peppering of the throat and a coughing/sneezing fit.

Thank you

Cecil Thax

————————————————–

Their reply

Dear Cecil

Thank you for your further email.

I’m really happy that I have been able to help with your enquiries even though I have had to disappoint you.

Sadly, I have to disappoint you once more as whilst we are very happy to learn of both yours and your sons enjoyment of our products, we are unable to support any product endorsement which is outside of our own business, as we have our own teams who work very hard, dedicating their time into this very area.

I have also following my email yesterday passed your comments onto my colleagues within our developments and marketing teams regarding how much you have missed our Sensations Sea Salt & Cracked Black flavour crisps and perhaps if they receive enough requests this may be something they will reconsider in bringing back to the market in the future.

Wishing you the greatest enjoyment in creating your favourite flavour within your kitchen for the time being.

Regards

Karen De Burle
Customer Services

Begone vile tasting non salt and pepper crisps!
Begone vile tasting non salt and pepper crisps!

Complaint to Farmfoods

Dear Farmfoods customer care

I’ve never had a magical lamp, I’ve never rubbed it vigorously in the hope a mystical being would spring fourth and grant me three of my all-time wishes, which would be

  1. An end to man’s inhumanity to man (and woman)
  2. All people of all creeds and colours living in peace and harmony with each other and nature in a perfect utopian society
  3. Just loads of crisps

However, now, my top most wish is that I wish to complain in the strongest possible manor about your ‘Farmfoods Broccoli Florets’ purchased from your Bridlington branch of Farmfoods for an English pound coin.  I wish to complain in the strongest possible manor, but I shall not type ALL IN CAPITALS though the way I feel at the moment, that would be justified.  Imagine I am Mr Vincent Van Gough, let me paint you a picture with words, describing and detailing what has caused me such affront with your produce.  Enjoy, do!

Imagine this scene in your minds idea pouch, it is half past five on a mild Wednesday evening, while my darling wife of 43 years was busy in the kitchen preparing a delicious meal for us, I was busying myself in the living room trying to work the none video recorder, recorder.  It tapes telly programs without a VHS cassette, I don’t know how this dark magic works!  In time I finally found the recording of the series finale of Doctor Whom.  And just as I’d cued it to the right place my son brought in our dinner on the hostess trolley .  We all sat down to enjoy our meal whilst watching the baffling broadcast (Doctor Whu was never this confusing in the 70’s).

Our meal consisted of a roasted chicken bird with roasted potatoes and these Farmfoods broccoli Florets that I mentioned half a life time ago.  You see, I have a very picky pallet, I cannot abide the taste and texture of most green vegetables, they are abhorrent to me, but broccoli is one of the few greeneries I can tolerate.  My eating method for broccoli goes as follows

1.            Separate the broccoli from rest of food

2.            Isolate any stalk deemed too large for consumption

3.            Remove lengthy stalk, leaving green ‘head bush’

4.            If green head bush is too large segment into bite size clumps

5.            Consume

And this is what I was doing.  And after eating all the broccoli ponst my plate, save for one medium size clump I came to segment this section.  I chopped it in twain, cleaving it in two pieces.  I placed the first piece in my mouth and consumed it, seconds later I looked down as I was about to shovel the last chunk into my mouth.

That’s when it happened, that’s when everything changed! That’s when a look of horror, disbelief and shock came across my face.  I dropped my fork to my plate.  Were this a Hollywood movie film, the fork would have fallen in slow motion, I would be screaming NNNNOOO like a Darth Vader might and on screen would be revealed the cause of such emotions.

For you see, embedded in the broccoli clump, intertwined with the florets green leafy clumps, was half a small slug.  I couldn’t believe what I was looking at, I thought it might be a bit of mud or grit, somehow entrenched with the greenery.  But when I investigated further and removed the grey slimy body from the broccoli it was indeed a slug torso.

The retching began almost instantly.  I am convinced that the other half of the slug was in the other half of the broccoli head I had just consumed!  Thus meaning it was inside my tummy guts! The retching continued.  Now I’m a man of the world, I’ve eating a wide variety of foods, I’ve even once had some pasta! I didn’t care for it! But so great was my revulsion at the thought of this severed slug body I was utterly put off the rest of my meal, and I couldn’t even bring myself to have any pudding, which was proffiter rolls (from Farmfoods) and I love them a lot!

Quite frankly there is now no way I can ever eat broccoli again, how can I ever trust there won’t be a creature hiding within the fronds?  I simply don’t and can’t trust broccoli.

The only positive outcome of this whole ordeal is I know, that if I ever did become a ‘celebrity’ (which at my age is medically impossible) I would never be able to go on the celebrity jungle program and eat insects. So every cloud does have a silver lining!

I thank you for your time and patience in reading my communicate,  I attach a poor quality picture taken on my sons eye phone to show you said slug.  I cannot look at the image without feeling queasy.

Thank you again.

Cecil Thax

PS

I no longer trust cauliflower either!

 

—————————-

They sent a reply, just the usual stuff really, but they did send a £20 voucher to spend in farmfoods!

Dear Mr Thax

Thank you for your email.

I am concerned to hear about your recent purchase. We strive to ensure that all products supplied to us are of a standard and quality you would expect from Farmfoods. I have today forwarded your comments to the manufacturer of this product for them to look into further. If you do still have the original packaging and can let me know the best before date and batch code I can also pass that on to help with their investigation.

In the meantime, please accept my sincere apologies for the distress and inconvenience this must have caused. I would like to send you, with our compliments, a Farmfoods voucher as a gesture of goodwill.  I will send this to the address you have given below as soon as possible.

I do hope that you will continue to shop at Farmfoods as we do value your custom.

Kind regards
Andy Long

Broccoli slug

 

Tonsilitus

Typing into the computer at work to make is sound like you’re working is a very dishonest thing to do. But I bet thousands of people do it every day. Just think of all the nonsense written into computers in the name of ‘pretending to work’. For example this whole paragraph is such text, there is a woman on the phone on the desk opposite me, whom I’m hoping my typing makes her think I’m doing some very hard and important work. I’m not though, I’m so tired I just want to go to sleep! I might draw eyes on my eyelids and have a kip. Under my desk would make for a lovely cosy den if I had a duvet, I would warrant I could get away with it too, no one comes into my section of this room. Though saying that if I did want to sleep the constant sleep farts I suffer from would no doubt give me away. Whilst asleep I often sing the ‘Hello mutha, hello fadder’ song too.

When I say I’m a work, I mean I am sat in our living room, at the writing desk while Cecil is lying on the sofa, writhing this way and that because he is poorly. I want him to think I’m doing work because he’s asked me to write him a story to help him get to sleep. While mum is on the phone talking to her sister, not technically at a desk, she’s sat on the foot rest, it looks like it might buckle under her weight at any moment. I would love to video that at high speed so I could slow it down and see the look on her shocked face as she fell! She’d hate that, you can’t mock her if she does something wrong, god help you if you laugh at her failing! Or falling!

But poor Cecil, he is poorly. He’s got tonsillitis an affliction which I myself am just about recovered from. It’s been round the Thax house hold like a demented throat demon bent on causing agony the inner mouths of every Thax alive.

If you have never had tonsillitis, let me explain the horrors one is subjected to during this horrific illness. Firstly you have a slightly sore throat, nothing too bad, you shrug it off “Oh I’ll just drink a honey lemoney beverage, that will sooth my boo boo”. One delicious drinky later and all is fine. For half an hour. Then the ache is back. 24 hours later the throat is raw, sore and red as road kill. This is the point at which you should run to the doctors and beg for medicines! Because as I found out, waiting to see if it improves on its own will not do you any favours!

My throat got bad, and by bad I don’t mean “ohh that’s a bit sore, I better have an aspirin” I mean “AAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHH my throat was raped in the night by a monster with razor wire for a penis!” it got bad late on a Friday night, and my doctors don’t work weekends. So I had to endure the horrors over Saturday and Sunday. By the time Saturday morning had come, my throat was riddled with ulcers. Swallowing was about as pleasant as running a red hot poker over my nipples, and so because it hurt so very much to swallow, my body decided to produce copious amounts of saliva to help increase my agony. My own aural cavity had turned against me, it was war. Biological war! My weapons of choice were hot Lemsip’s and lozenges. The Lemsips helped for several minutes, slightly elevating the pain. The lozenges may as well have been taken as a suppository for all the good they did! To combat any attempts to cure myself, my body decided to use throat to body missiles which once impacted caused a fever. And not a saucy Saturday night kind of dance fever, no, more a dripping with sweat, incapable of sleep fever. And when I did sleep, the dreams were both frantic and horrific in nature.

By late Saturday night I was in agony. My little throat boo boo was now a kin to a nuclear waste ground. The charred remains of my uvula dangled helplessly in the burnt foul smelling breeze. My tonsils, little more than fleshy lumps of ulcerated matter and my throat, a swollen throbbing tube of agony. It was time to break out the big guns! Some ultra chloraseptic throat spray was bought. This claimed to numb pain in seconds! So I sprayed it all on my throat, hoping it would act be as effective as napalm in the 60’s and decimate any agony I felt!

It worked! My whole throat was numb! It felt very odd, very swollen but numb! Thoughts shot through my head, until this point I hadn’t eaten any solid food since Friday morning. In my fever I began to imagine and hallucinate a feast! Roast mutton, a whole hog, a goose as big as a boy, tables of cake, buckets of crisps, a bath full of twigglets, troughs over flowing with melted chocolate and hats bursting with cheeses. I rushed into the kitchen and made marmite on toast, then began to eat it!

That was a mistake!

Upon the delicious salty yeast extract coming into contact with my many ulcers, the pain returned and returned 10 fold! I may as well have been gargling with shattered light bulbs, that’s certainly how my body interpreted the sensation of marmite on ulcers. What possible benefit is there in being able to feel such horrific pain in your throat? Yes I can understand it on any external part of your body, pains the bodies way of telling you that something’s bad or damaged and needs attention. But there was nothing I could do about this, I was aware it was poorly, making it utter agony didn’t help the situation at all.

Sunday came and went, I spent most of the day in bed or at my computer, sweating and not swallowing. I must have been ill because I remember just lying on the sofa watching mums loose woman that she’d taped. Though technically she hadn’t taped it, but I don’t know what it’s called when you record things on these modern non VCR machines. Then late on Sunday night, just as I thought this couldn’t get much worse, my body decided to throw a little agony spanner in the works. In the form of a cough. So now, not only was I dripping with sweat, my throat was in terrible pain and I felt dreadful, now I had a cough to deal with. As you can imagine this took me into new realms of pain, every time I coughed it would sound like “couhhhghh AGGH uuughnn UUUGH” cough followed by whimper of pain followed by cough followed by whimper.

Finally Monday morn came, and I was up at the crack of dawn, mostly because I was bursting for a wee wee. The other deeply unpleasant symptom of it was my mouth and throatal zones were constantly dry, arid, like a camels anus in the height of summer, so I would have to drink a bath’s worth of water every hour. Thus meaning I was going for a widdle constantly. Which was deeply inconvenient at half past three at night, now I know how my father feels, what with his walnut size wee pouch!

Finally a doctor’s appointment was made, and several short hours later penicillin was prescribed. But my agony didn’t end there, both Monday and Tuesday were filled with terrific pains, coughs and spazams. Then finally by Wednesday, the gaping hell holes had sealed, the agony was now just a low painful tingle. Come Wednesday evening, I ate my first bag of crisps in a week. They tasted weird. Recovery was quite rapid from then on, and by Friday night I was back eating 15 bags of crisps an hour and loving every minute of it!

And now my father is on the sofa watching loose woman, holding his throat begging for ice cream! Well I didn’t get any ice cream so he can sod right off!

Oh the pain

Oh the pain
Oh the pain

Candy Crush Saga is awful!

Playing Candy Crush is like living in an abusive relationship, at any moment you could be punched in the wallet for making a mistake. I’m sorry if this metaphor offends you because it’s about to be extended.

In the beginning things are wonderful, there are colours, sounds and many shapes, all of which dazzle and excite. Level 1, a joy, Level 2, Pure entertainment, levels 3,4,5,6,7 are a satisfying challenge, then level 8, you struggle, but you beat the round, you’re satisfied, you’ve overcome adversity. You play on a while until you reach a bit you just can’t beat. Before long you’ve lost your 5 lives. You’re presented with a screen “You have run out of lives, wait 25:49 minutes to continue or link to facebook, or click on the big flashing heart to pay 69p to get 5 more lives”. Thwok! You’ve been given your first black eye for your insolence. But you think “Well ok, that’s not too bad, I suppose you would pay for extra lives in an arcade game, and it was free to play this far” so now you have three choices,

  1. Wait till the next life unlocks
  2. Pay for another 5 lives (69p)
  3. Link to Facebook and beg your friends to send you a life

If you’re shrewd you’ll simply wait the 30 (or less) minutes till another life comes. If you’re an idiot you’ll pay for
more lives but if you’re keen on annoying your friends then you will link to Facebook and harass your friends to send you more lives. If your Facebook friends are like my Facebook friends, constant game requests will drive them up the wall. The only reason they do this is to get those all-important clicks and try to ‘sell’ this game to your friends too. Don’t be like a meth dealer, don’t push this on your friends!

So once you’re in too deep, you’re being given an metaphorical dead arm at every turn, so called hints in the game are invariably not the best move you can make, progress grinds to a halt from the mid-twenties, the difficulty curve is more a vertical incline than steady ramp. Then after level 35 you have a slight ‘fall down the stairs’ the game charges you to continue playing past this point or to get tickets from your poor Facebook friends. Then after several more levels, you have to pay again to continue. But that’s not the worst thing about the greed of this game.

If you want to buy a ‘charm’ then you’re about to walk into several fist shaped metaphor doors!

All it boils down to is pure greed, grabbing for as much money as possible at every turn, and not small amounts, to unlock 5 extra turns, that’s 69p, but that only last ONE ROUND! Or you could buy the ability to remove 3 candies for the low low price of £1.49, which also only lasts for one round! To freeze time on timed levels will only set you back the low price of a staggering £17.49! And to boost your lives permanently from 5 to 8 will cost you roughly £10! But worst of all, to unlock ‘Charm of stripes’ which gives you one slight cheat per game costs £27.99! I thought it was a glitch in the matrix, but no, that’s the actual cost for this charm! And that’s just unforgivable, much like domestic abuse.

I have read that the game can be played all the way through without paying a single penny, so technically it’s free, but in my own experience the later levels become so hard and take so many retries it becomes a time swallowing quagmire of frustration. Don’t bother, spend the time reading a book or playing bejeweled (assuming your gaming needs are to make rows of shiny objects disappear), it will save you time, sanity and money!

Give me all our monies!
Give me all our monies!