Henry the Eighth
Henry the 8th was the 8th king of England from 1487 to 1544 AD, he took many wives and caused major reformations in the catholic church through a series of harsh changes and violent outbursts. He is famous for his shocking red hair and beard and being a portly gentleman, his main accomplishments in life (besides his numerous marriages) was the invention of a floatation system for keeping beards dry (and afloat) he was also a pioneer in the field of couples counselling!
Henry the 8th was born in Kingston, England in the year 1474! For the first six and a third months of his life he didn’t have a name and was simply referred to as Little lord Tibbult because they thought he was a cat! He was covered from head to toe in thick ginger hair and could walk on all fours within six hours of being born. He would often lap at milk and emit a mewing tone when bored.
As he was born in Kingston he was set to become king, any living being born from a human female within the towns’ limits was allowed to be king. The town of Kingston was only 12 meters square and was (at the time) the smallest settlement in all the land, it has since been surpassed by the 1 meter cubed town of Rubik.
Until they realised Henry wasn’t a cat he slept with his mother and father (Belinda and Clive Hotwaterbottle) in a tiny basket at the foot of their bed. When Henry’s fur fell off they soon realised he was a real human boy, unfortunately for Henry the fur remained on his head and chin, thus giving the thick head of hair and beard we all know and love.
By the age of twelve Henry had been given a proper name ‘Henry Pumple Tissuecheeks’. At the age of twelve and twelve days he was coronated as High King of England and the great British isles of the commonwealth of the united kingdom or hkegbicuk for short or hkoeatgbiotcotuk for medium! The nation celebrated his coronation by cutting out triangles of material, making them into little triangle pouches, fitting each one with a tiny new born baby bunny and stringing them up, in several days when the tiny bunnies were dead they would put the corpses in tiny tins and serve them for Christmas, this is where we get ‘bunting’ from.
Within three days of becoming King, Henry hit puberty and the randy adult feelings began to grow. A king wants what a king gets and so his first wife was found ‘Catherine of Parr’ was her name, a young slip of a girl, not more than 17 years old. They were married and began fornication during the wedding ceremony, Henry couldn’t wait to kiss her so while the vicar was doing the ceremony Henry stabbed him in the buttock to speed things up, this is now why the vicar or registrar tells the marrying couple that they may kiss, as it is perfectly legal to stab someone if your marriage ceremony is taking too long!
On their wedding night when they had got into their royal chambers and Henry could actually get Catherines clothes off and see what her lady bits looked like, he was horrified, he was expecting the same kind of genetalia as his own royal member, having never seen the groin zone of a lady, and medieval pornography mostly consisting of tapestries or crude needle craft, he didn’t know what to expect. He didn’t know what to do so he did the only thing he could, he screamed “Off with her head” and she was instantly decapitated by Cardinal Woolsey.
In the days that followed the catholic priests told Henry how the human reproductive systems worked and Henry felt terrible, so later that week he got married to ‘Catherine of Anne Boleyn’ she was a very saucy wench and on their wedding night she made sure Henry was shown how lady parts worked. He pretended to know, but like all men, was still utterly baffled by the whole thing. A few years passed and things were going well for them, they went on dates, enjoyed plays, jesters, pageantry, all that olde worlde shit. But then one day Catherine of Anne Boleyn accidentally got caught in Henry’s beard, her nose ring was snagged good and proper so the only way to free her was to remove her head from her body in the hope that would free it. It worked, sadly Catherine died shortly after due to an unrelated issue.
For many years Henry lived the life of the bachelor, mostly drinking broth from cups, which is where bachelors cup-a-soups originated, and also where Henry made most of his fortune!
When Henry Turned 23 he married the acress Jane Seymore, who is probably best known for her role in Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman, playing the titular character, but due to the hectic work schedule of Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman Jane wasn’t at Henry’s castle (Henry’s big castle in London, known as Londons big castle) so Henry wanted to divorce her but because he hadn’t changed the rules to the catholic faith he couldn’t, so he ate her!
As the years marched on Henry’s mind turned to Children, he wanted a son or daughter, either would be fine, he really wasn’t bothered which, so again he took a wife Anne of John Cleese. He rodgered her good and proper but after years of pointless sex making she could or would not give him a child, so because technically she was half sideboard the marriage was annulled.
Henry tried again, he found Catherine of Frankie Howard, but she was a lesbian and wouldn’t do kinky stuff so Henry got a right grump on. He wanted a divorce but the Catholics were having none of it because to them that was against their religion, so Henry thought “Right bollocks to the lot of you, I’ll make up another religion, that’s a bit similar to catholasisam but changes some of the basic rules meaning I can do whatever I want and just rewrite this new made up religion to fit whatever my kingly heart desires” and he did, and for some reason he destroyed a load of churches rather than just put in for planning permission for change of purpose!
So a new English church was born which let you get away with all kinds of stuff but which was some how more correct than all other other similar versions of that religion which were all based on the same book but interpreted differently to fit in with the needs of those in power at the time.
Henry found Aragon of Parr, a lovely lady who desperately wanted to give Henry some spawn but her vagina had dried up due to lack of use, she did look like the back of a bus and had never felt the harsh rough hands of a medieval man on her nethers. Henry tried but it didn’t work out, they kept in touch on faceparchment and sent messages to each other via carrier sparrows, or Twitter, but nothing more.
Henry’s seventh wife was Oliver Cromwell.
Henry’s eighth and final wife was Catherine of Parr, but a different one from his first wife of the same name, they had a right nice time for ages, she was everything Henry wanted in a woman, she was busty in the bedroom, good at making ice cream in the parlour, a seamstress in the kitchen, a thick carpet on the hallway and had plenty of storage space in the downstairs back lounge. As time passed Catherine became with child, Henry’s child, a boy! A new king there was to be! The country celebrated for 8 solid days, until someone realised that a baby with a winky that goes in and not out is not a boy, but a girl, a female king had been born! The country celebrated again, but not for 8 days, they were quite tired and there was a lot of ironing to do!
When the baby lady king turned 12 Henry did as all royalty must do, he said his goodbyes and walked off into the wilds of England. Some say he wanders this land still, seeking out injustice, trying to put right what once went wrong, hoping the next leap, will be the leap home!
Henry the 8th fun facts
• Henry the Eighth had 8 wives, which is where his name comes from
• Henry the Eighth invented fractions, particularly things in eighths
• He wrote the song greensleeves after inventing the colour green and sleeves
• He tried to rename December to Decemburr because it was always cold!
• Spoke with a very thick cockney accent
• He invented the word ‘Ate’ because it sounded a bit like Eighth
• He let the dogs out
• Wrote and animated the cartoon ‘Henry’s cat’