Dear Phileas Fogg
Good morning to you Mr Fogg, I’m very sorry to besmirch your good character and have to communicate with you in such an infelicitous manner, but good sir, you and your actions have angered me greatly and can no longer withhold my feelings any longer. Originally this communique was to be one of praise and appreciation at your new range of snacks and nibbles. I dare say that on your adventure round the world, you happened upon such an array of new spices, taste and sensations that you simply had to share with the people of this fine country. For that I highly commend you. In fact until recently my communication unto you was to read thus
My dear friend Philieas, though we have never met each other in person I feel a great deal of love toward you, you have always provided me with a wide range of enchanting snacks. Your new range of exotic nibbles are perhaps the most delightful I have ever tasted. I have tried your full range and can say with some glee that your Cheese and New York deli relish are the second best best crisp snacks I have ever tasted in my entire life, first place of course being the roast beef and mustard Brannigans crisps, that are sadly no longer with us. You must have been in quite a revelry sampling all the flavours and foods the world has to offer, if only you’d had longer than 80 to try everything!”
And while those opinions are still very valid and I stand by them come hell or high water, I fear I cannot issue you these compliments without also informing you of my deep upset and which I feel to be an utter betrayal!
These are harsh words I know, please let me explain from whence these opinions come. Until recently I was enjoying your range of snacks on a bi daily basis, that’s every other day and not twice daily. I had tried every type of nosh in your new range, and came unto the conclusion that the cheese and New York deli relish were the nicest, as I’ve stated, the nices crisped snack I have ever had the pleasure to consume, after beef and mustard Brannigans. So I would only eat this flavour as I literally couldn’t get enough of them! Then last week or there abouts (1st of October ish) my local Tesco store simply stopped stocking this flavour! I was aghast! At first they claimed to simply be out of stock, but now, they have removed the range all together! I have gone 15 days since my last crisp! We’ll I’ve tried other brands, but they simply pale into comparison compared to yours my dear Phileas!
What am I to do, no other outlet in my area stocks them! Have you ceased production of them? If this is the case, how could you, how can you take them away from me after we such a short time together. The sense of loss I feel is palpable! This has happened before, to the beef and mustard Brannigans crisps I keep mentioning. These were the best crisps in the world, so flavoursome, why the company that made these stopped production is something that baffles and deeply upsets me even now.
Oh where are your cheese and relish crisps Phileas? I now spend my days, lost in an air of despondency and downheartedness, I’ve tried making my own version but they are just cheese melted on walkers crisps (a far inferior brand by a country mile!). Oh what am I to do Mr Fogg? I simply have to taste them again, their subtle spicy flavour with the crunchy bubble texture is something my mouth longs to consume again. Help me Phileas! I crave them so!