Category: Toff in the woods

A Toff in the Woods – Part 3

The long dark is a survival game created by Hinterland, all screenshots taken from in game, available on steam and


Previously on A Toff in the woods Part 2  – Jeremy Cream finds himself in a high up look out post. There was minimal food and water, but after a nights sleep by a small fire, he was ready to move on.


I walked through the dawn light, squinting as the freezing wind hit my eyeballs like fists of frozen fury. I walk for a good while before I saw something poking out of the snow.

Get it 'Thaw'
I hope his name isn’t Thor.

I knew it was a corpse. I’ve seen a dead body before, Daddy was very keen on snuff films. One evening at our manor, Billbert Pripleminge killed our footman after he spilled brandy on his lapel. Daddy tried to hide the body but Mummy wanted nothing to do with it, also Smilbert (our fourth chambermaid at the time) witnessed the crime. Billbert wanted to kill her too but Mummy stopped him. They hid the footman’s corpse in my bedroom for 2 days before Mummy let them call the police. The way he would stare at me at night will forever be burned into my memory.

So a cold corpse didn’t bother me too much. Unfortunately the body was frozen solid, I couldn’t even get his jacket off. I couldn’t establish why he had died. I did think about hacking off a haunch of buttock but I didn’t have anything sharp enough to cut through his frozen material or meat, so I said a prayer and left him in his wintery grave.

I walked and walked. The woods were really getting on my wick. Tree after endless bally tree! I seemed to be stuck in a woody nightmare, a kind of tree based limbo. Then finally after hours of tortuous walking, in the distance I saw a flash of red. I am a brave man, never have I shied away from danger. Apart from that time when hunting with Uncle Rudiger.

I found a house!  A Canadian house!

What time do they get the newspapers?
What time do they get the newspapers?

I ventured inside. There was no one home. So like a posh Goldilocks, I riffled through all the things in the house. It wasn’t a house but some kind of office. There were some supplies but nothing of any use. I found some small bits of food and drink which I polished off instantly. I waited a day and night to see if anyone came, but there was no sign of human activity. I broke and burnt several chairs but I needed heat, I have to survive. I’m the 4th Earl of Dukeshire, if I die the line will be broken and a charity will get out houses. I couldn’t abide the thought of that!

I left the office in the morning, the weather was clear and I saw in the distance several more huts. I quickly explored them. There was nothing of use again. The only thing I found was a small axe and tiny bits of food. Things were looking grim.

Lake and corpse side view!
Lake and corpse side view!

I did the only thing I could do, I explored every house. This would have gone so much faster if my butlers had been here to help! Each hut more useless than the last. They were more useless than the boys we got as trainee butlers as part of a reality television program. Never have I seen such useless workshy idiots. And one of them stole Mummy’s tiara. That boy disappeared shortly afterwards, hehe Uncle Rudiger has his uses!

Then outside the last hut I came across another corpse, maybe watching snuff films as a child has rubbed off on me! This dead man had something actually useful, a rifle!

He died how he lived, licking his own member!
He died how he lived, licking his own member!

Things were looking up. I had a gun! Obviously there were no bullets in. I entered the last hut. I was being weighed down by all the bits and bobbles I’d picked up. I had a bag full of newspaper and wood so I could get myself warm. the fire didn’t last more than 4 minutes as all the wood I had was basically tinder. I searched the hut and joy upon joys, I found 8 rounds for the rifle! Nothing could stop me now, all I had to do was find an elk or panda and I would eat well tonight!

Next time

A very interesting discovery!

A Toff in the Woods – Part 2

The long dark is a survival game created by Hinterland, all screenshots taken from in game, available on steam and


Previously on A Toff in the woods Part 1  – Jeremy Cream finds himself crash landed in a harsh cold environment, with nothing but his ‘wits’ to keep him alive, he stumbled on several abandoned cabins, he entered, the story doth continue, read on, do.


Part 2 –

There were 4 cabins, one of which had clearly burned down, There was nothing in it but splintered old wet wood and the smell of terror, that was coming from me, the lobster I’d had for lunch was getting it’s revenge. I walked over the one of the in tact cabins. The door was unlocked! Success, I’ll be home in time for quince jelly and quail! I went into the cabin and was horrified at what I saw! The cabin was a barren shack with just a few beds and empty shelves!

It doesn't even have a wine rack!
It doesn’t even have a wine rack!

I found a few delightful items within, the pinnacle of which is this exquisite heavy wool jumper. That was thick and heavy sarcasm, I wouldn’t be seen dead in such a garment! However, it’s jolly bally cold, so I donned the bulky woolen abomination. Never has such a cheap fabric adorned my torso.

You wouldn't be let in the gentlemans club wearing this!
You wouldn’t be let in the gentleman’s club wearing this!

I explored the other cabins, all are similarly sparse but I managed to find several useful items such as a scarf, some firewood, some food and a box of tools. I don’t know if I’ll be able to do anything with these but I’ve seen Carstairs (my second manservant) open a tin of foie gras so I know how a can opener works.

Never buy tinned foie gras, it is revolting, get it direct from your local farmer, where you can see that the duck has been sufficiently fattened, ideally the duck (or goose) shouldn’t be able to move at all. Some people say this is cruel, but they’re only animals, why should their welfare worry me!

After exploring the cabins I head out into the wilds while the light is still luminous. There’s a reason they call it the wilderness, because it’s damn bally wild out here! There is nothing, no sign of man, industry or business! Just tree after tree after dull pointless tree! I walk for what seems like hours, eventually I come to a clearing! I spy some wonderful unnatural colour in the distance, my feet are in agony, wet and cold covers my whole lower body. I see a sign beckoning me!

It's a sign!
It’s a sign!

I take this as a sign and follow the arrow up a steep hill. The darn thing goes up and up forever. It’s higher than the amount of bedroom tax I pay each year. Actually I don’t pay any tax, Mr Chaplin, my accountant, does wonderful things with numbers. As far as the taxman is concerned I live in a one bedroom cottage on the outskirts of Bath. I don’t see why I should pay tax, it’s my money, Mummy and Daddy worked very hard to earn that!

Cabin on stilts
Cabin on stilts

At the top of this piste was a very high cabin, sadly there wasn’t a lift to take me up so I had to use the stairs and my own legs to get to the top! Inside I expected to find hot chocolate, a television, a radio, brandy, whiskey, a selection of fine wines and chocolates and a small library. Inside I actually found some beef jerky (which looks like a dog chew, I’ve no idea what it is used for), some aspirin and water purification tablets. There were two beds and most importantly, there was a wood stove! I immediately parroted what I had seen Woodrow doing when making our fire in the third drawing parlour back in my mansion. I put the bits of wood I found and newspaper into the stove and threw a match in. Seconds later hot glowing fire burst forth. I have never been so rugged and manly! If only Lucinda could see me now! She left me because I wasn’t rugged enough for her. I don’t know what she was blathering about, when we went riding together I put Blinky’s mane in a delightful French braid. There is nothing more manly than being able to coax thick coarse hair into regimented tight braids!

Burn baby burn, no discos were harmed in the making of this image
Burn baby burn, no discos were harmed in the making of this image

I decided to spend the night in this high up cabin. The night was dark, cold and terrifying, much like my fifth wife. The fire went out within the first hour. The sheets on the bed were not made of goose down. I’ve never been so cold in all my life! I got all the sheets and blankets and made a nest in the corner of the room, for some reason all my shivering was making me incredibly hungry and thirsty. As soon as dawn came I woke up, I ate all the food I had and drank the water that had remained unfrozen. I then girded my loins and got up from my nest and headed out back into the frigid, bleak, penetrating wilderness (again sounds like my 5th wife).

Every day has it's dawn
Every day has it’s dawn

I walked for what seemed like an eternity, certainly longer that any game of polo I’ve ever seen. Maybe not as long as the dinner party Daddy threw when Margaret Thatcher came. That was the best night of my life!

I walked and walked until I came across an horrific scene!

Get it 'Thaw'
I hope his name isn’t Thor

Continued in A toff in the wilderness – Part 3

Corpses and weaponry!

A toff in the woods – Part 1

The long dark is a survival game created by Hinterland, all screenshots taken from in game, available on steam and


This blog is based on the premise of a very rich and pampered man, finding himself alone in the cold harsh wilderness, with nothing but his ‘wits’ to keep him alive. How will this privileged idiot cope in such a situation, read on to find out!

Hello, my name is Sir Jeremy cream, I live in a very big house, like this one, but not this one, I wouldn’t put a photograph of my house on the internet in case some oiks decided to pay me a visit. This is a photo from the web site small country house

A small country house
A small country house

Do you know them? I don’t know them, I don’t like their lawn, mine is better!

My house has over 200 bed rooms, I have a fleet of cars and more servants than I can count. The house was Mummy and Daddies, but they’re dead now, they weren’t shot in an alley, I’m not a batman, I have very little interest in preventing crime, unless it’s crime happening to me. Like the poachers in my coppices, if I find out who it is, there shall be a hefty fine!

I have many business, I shan’t list them here because you might try and steal from them, let’s just say, last week I was luncheoning with Lord Sugar and Sir Trump! My hobbies are riding, shooting, business and fine wine/dining.

I have traveled the world, visited some of the most exclusive clubs, port and restaurants in all of the world, my life consists of sampling the finest things this world has to offer, I’ve eaten puffin hearts in Con Celador, larks tongues in Al Tribbiat, 200 year old Smaptons atop mount St Etna and crystalline dodo in Pompeii. I have never known hardship, struggle or worry. Until today!

Let me take you back in time 12 hours, thank you!

My third wife was dead, she had fallen from the world’s tallest roller coaster. There was no fault with the machine, she had climbed up it and jumped to her death, the safety record of the amusement park (whom I can’t name for legal reasons) remains impeccable. She died because she hit the ground from a jolly tall height, she jumped because I had taken a fourth wife and she knew that meant I had moved on, she was a frightfully dramatic woman.

However I had to travel to New Jersey, in the Americas to sign her body over. I took the family jet, the meal was a bland oyster and caviar affair, the only thing that saved it was an exquisite chardonnay. I ate my meal and decided to sleep a while on the flight.

I awoke to the sound of frightfully loud alarms, the whole plane was violently shaking. I could tell we were going down, going down hard and fast! We crashed! I don’t remember any of the crash, I must have been thrown far from the wreckage because when I came to there was no sign of Wilhemina (the plane) anywhere!

I can't see the woods for the trees!
I can’t see the woods for the trees!

Panic filled me, for the first time in 54 years Woodrow wasn’t answering my screams. My faithful man-servant was no where to be seen! I’ve never been more than 50 yards away from him, when Mummy and Daddy were away at a regatta or gymkhana, Woodrow would be at my beck and call. I was beckoning and calling for him, but my cries went unanswered, I’d never felt so alone! Alone and terrified!

The world I found myself in was a bitterly cold, hostile one. There was snow and trees everywhere. Had I been brought on a surprise skiing holiday, the boys from the rugger club had surprised me like this before, but Woodrow had been with me! And I also had a sexy little bit of totty handcuffed to my arm that time.

This time I knew I was on my own! I looked around and could see at the bottom of the hill were some structures, I knew I had to find civilization if I was to get out of this situation. I walked down the hill, the snow was white, powdery and in vast quantities, just how I like my cocaine. But it wasn’t a fun recreation substance, it was cold and slippery. I began down the hill, my loafers letting snow, my feet becoming damp and cold, I saw shelter.

It's not the Hilton but it will do.
It’s not the Hilton but it will do.

There were 4 cabins, one of which had clearly burned down, there was nothing but splintered old wet wood and the smell of terror, that was coming from me, the lobster was getting it’s revenge. I walked over the one of the in tact cabins. The door was unlocked! Success, I’ll be home in time for quince jelly and quail! I walked into the cabin and was horrified at what I saw!

Continue in A toff in the wilderness – Part 2

An horrific discovery!