A Toff in the Woods – Part 3

The long dark is a survival game created by Hinterland, all screenshots taken from in game, available on steam and http://intothelongdark.com/


Previously on A Toff in the woods Part 2  – Jeremy Cream finds himself in a high up look out post. There was minimal food and water, but after a nights sleep by a small fire, he was ready to move on.


I walked through the dawn light, squinting as the freezing wind hit my eyeballs like fists of frozen fury. I walk for a good while before I saw something poking out of the snow.

Get it 'Thaw'
I hope his name isn’t Thor.

I knew it was a corpse. I’ve seen a dead body before, Daddy was very keen on snuff films. One evening at our manor, Billbert Pripleminge killed our footman after he spilled brandy on his lapel. Daddy tried to hide the body but Mummy wanted nothing to do with it, also Smilbert (our fourth chambermaid at the time) witnessed the crime. Billbert wanted to kill her too but Mummy stopped him. They hid the footman’s corpse in my bedroom for 2 days before Mummy let them call the police. The way he would stare at me at night will forever be burned into my memory.

So a cold corpse didn’t bother me too much. Unfortunately the body was frozen solid, I couldn’t even get his jacket off. I couldn’t establish why he had died. I did think about hacking off a haunch of buttock but I didn’t have anything sharp enough to cut through his frozen material or meat, so I said a prayer and left him in his wintery grave.

I walked and walked. The woods were really getting on my wick. Tree after endless bally tree! I seemed to be stuck in a woody nightmare, a kind of tree based limbo. Then finally after hours of tortuous walking, in the distance I saw a flash of red. I am a brave man, never have I shied away from danger. Apart from that time when hunting with Uncle Rudiger.

I found a house!  A Canadian house!

What time do they get the newspapers?
What time do they get the newspapers?

I ventured inside. There was no one home. So like a posh Goldilocks, I riffled through all the things in the house. It wasn’t a house but some kind of office. There were some supplies but nothing of any use. I found some small bits of food and drink which I polished off instantly. I waited a day and night to see if anyone came, but there was no sign of human activity. I broke and burnt several chairs but I needed heat, I have to survive. I’m the 4th Earl of Dukeshire, if I die the line will be broken and a charity will get out houses. I couldn’t abide the thought of that!

I left the office in the morning, the weather was clear and I saw in the distance several more huts. I quickly explored them. There was nothing of use again. The only thing I found was a small axe and tiny bits of food. Things were looking grim.

Lake and corpse side view!
Lake and corpse side view!

I did the only thing I could do, I explored every house. This would have gone so much faster if my butlers had been here to help! Each hut more useless than the last. They were more useless than the boys we got as trainee butlers as part of a reality television program. Never have I seen such useless workshy idiots. And one of them stole Mummy’s tiara. That boy disappeared shortly afterwards, hehe Uncle Rudiger has his uses!

Then outside the last hut I came across another corpse, maybe watching snuff films as a child has rubbed off on me! This dead man had something actually useful, a rifle!

He died how he lived, licking his own member!
He died how he lived, licking his own member!

Things were looking up. I had a gun! Obviously there were no bullets in. I entered the last hut. I was being weighed down by all the bits and bobbles I’d picked up. I had a bag full of newspaper and wood so I could get myself warm. the fire didn’t last more than 4 minutes as all the wood I had was basically tinder. I searched the hut and joy upon joys, I found 8 rounds for the rifle! Nothing could stop me now, all I had to do was find an elk or panda and I would eat well tonight!

Next time

A very interesting discovery!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.