Spam Cock

I feel like a master of the universe with my nine inch bazooka! I parade around the galaxy, smiting all, conquering planets, enslaving barbarian hoards all with my nine inch bazooka.  I fly in my intergalactic star ship, the only weapon I use is fear, intimidation and my nine inch bazooka.  I’ve fought the Kraimbulba people, freed the slaves of Nalbuoo 9, entered into deadly combat with the pan dimensional Smaptons beasts and bazookaed countless other races. I have done all this with my mighty nine inch bazooka by my side, which looking at other bazookas available on the market is actually pretty tiny, but never the less I have mastered the entire universe with it, despite its small size!

Which is how I expected the email to continue after reading its subject line which was “I feel like a master of the universe with my nine inch bazooka!” sadly in the email I was given a link which I dare not click on.

For you see, in the past week I have been getting a large amount of spam, normally I get not a whisker of spam, but for some reason I’m now being bombarded with 30 or so a day.  Some of which baffle me. I’ve had several, mostly to do with weight loss but one I got said by taking these pills “You will grow very large in just 2 months with our wonder drugs”.  Now I’m already quite a chubby fellow, my width is sufficient for me, but I would like to be taller, but to ‘grow very large’? How large 7 foot? 8 foot? There is a certain point where being large becomes more of a problem than something to be desired.  Specialist shoes cost a fortune.  As it stands I already sport extra-large t shirts, going up to extra extra large is a problem but XXXX-large? That’s just adding problems atop problems, and if I were ‘very large’ would I struggle to fit in my house? A car? Would my bed support me?  The whole thing is fraught with complications. Similarly with another email I got telling me to “Enlarge your pink just by popping a pill”.  My pink? I’m pink all over, will this pill make me grow more skin? Why would anyone want to get very large, maybe for some kind summer gala whereby you’re playing the part of a giant and want to be authentic in the role.  Is there a pill to get very small?

Then the spams started to get a bit freighting. “Scare people with your tool today”.  This baffled me.  The only tool I have is a screwdriver set with interchangeable heads.  And it’s pretty flimsy, I don’t know how I could really scare anyone with it or why indeed why I would want to frighten anyone with my tool!  My tool is useful for doing things around the house, it’s not an instrument of terror!

Then they started bringing celebrities into the mix making the claim that “Jay Leno found taking drugs” to which inside the email I am told “So hard you can break an egg”. So hard I can break an egg?! Jay Leno has to take drugs to get the strength up to brake an egg? I could become ‘so hard’ that I could break an egg? I can already break an egg, they are incredibly fragile, a baby could break an egg.  Do they mean some drug could make my penis so hard it could break an egg? On what planet is that a desirable or aspirational thing to want? Are people crying out for their eggs to be broken open by erect penises (peni?)? Does cracking an egg with a willy somehow improve the egg.  Of all the body parts I can think of, that’s one of the last things I would use to crack open an egg! Last thing being eye ball or testicles, I’m not sure which!

It was at this point I realized these emails were all about increasing the size of a penis. Which makes me wonder, who would read “Scare people with your tool today” and think that’s a good thing?

I was also offered the opportunity to “enlarge my pole with wonder pills”.  I can only assume they mean our flag pole we have in the back garden for when we’re feeling particularly patriotic.

The most resent spamulation I got says “There’s no trick to becoming a true man, with our wonder pill” but isn’t taking the pills a trick?! What’s the definition of a true man? I would say a true man is a chap who can with one hand, use a remote control while at the same time feed himself crisps, never dropping a crisp or missing his mouth, while also never missing to mute the TV when adverts come on or some embarrassing person starts singing or being ‘madcap’ on a quiz show, and also channel surfing with all the skill and panache of the slobbiest slob . While the other hand masterfully hold his cola beverage and is also able to get a cushion to hide an embarrassing erection should one rear its ugly head.

In the end I’ve got so fed up that I’ve decided to make my own growth pills, which are basically boiled sweets with a few drops of baby bio on them.  I shall email everyone I know saying “hard miracle growth pill lumps guaranteed to make your cylinder expand along all its dimensions, people will run in terror at the sight of your giant ungainly swollen cannon”.

SPAM

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