Category: Historical facts

Human Ages

ages

The Human Ages

By Susan P Lampwick

There are 4 known ‘ages’ in history, they are

  • Stone
  • Iron
  • Dark
  • Old

There are more ages but for the purpose of this report I shall only claim there are 4. Though most of these ages break down in to sub sets of lesser ages, which in themselves have wide and varied ages inside them, these are also known as periods. These periods are often times of great upheaval or struggle. Which more often than not caused widespread panic, upset, violence and frequent moping about being a bit weepy.

An ‘age’ is any period in history where one specific item or way of living is more prevalent than anything else. For example we are currently living in the ‘playing on your phone or computer when you should be listening to me trying to talk to you, Thomas you bastard!’ age.

I shall now break down the ages into the separate ages so you can then read them and learn what I am trying to teach you.

The Stone Age

The Stone Age started before recorded time began, at our best guess we put this as early at somewhere between 1BC and 23492345923BC. We simply can’t be sure.

Before Jesus, before Noah, before Adam and Eve, before Adam and Steve, before just Adam on his own, before even Bruce Forsyth was born, there was Stone Age man. And also stone age woman. They were not Homosapians like you or I but rather Homoerectus, the most erotic of all the homos. As a people they were simple, they didn’t have the vast mental intellect we modern humans have. Their knowledge of fine dining was rudimentary at best. They didn’t know what compote was!

Their day to day life would consist of waking, having a small meal of berries and dried meats. They would then engage in social interactions with one another. Unlike you Thomas, they didn’t spend all morning on the phone with ‘clients’ or locked in their offices. I can hear you Skyping in there, you’re writing your memoirs, why are you always talking to people?!

Homoerectus would live in large groups mostly for protection but also because they were deeply social. Through advanced scientific investigates and blind guess work we have discovered that males and females would mate for life. For life Thomas, remember the vows on our wedding day?

The males would hunt for food during the day while the females would stay at home and prepare food and the evening’s entertainment. The entertainment at the time was highly rudimentary, they didn’t have the thrilling variety shows we have today. Of an evening the whole tribe would sit around a fire and show various rocks and stones that they’d found that day. Who ever found the best stone was crowned king (or queen) for the night and was allowed to lay on the big rock which was rolled around while the king (or queen) tried to stay atop it. This is where we get the term ‘rock and roll’ from.

Their food mostly consisted of fruits and meats, with the occasional bread cake or muffin. They never thought to invent milk shakes!

Stone Age man would, as their name suggests, use stone primarily in the building of their settlements. They would build homes from stone and mud, these houses were quite intricate. They had several rooms, serving many purposes. It is proven that they had specific rooms for sleeping, eating, entertaining friends and family and toilet rooms. While they were advanced in architecture, they never thought to invent anything closely resembling a conservatory.

The stone age people also utilised tools and objects in their day to day lives. Many examples of axes, chisels, hammers, mallets and clogs were found in dig sites. Also these people would use the local wildlife to aid in their day to day lives. It is a proven scientific guess that mammoths were used to shower, pelicans were used as a kind of garbage disposal unit, birds were used as alarm clocks and dinosaurs were kept as pets. It’s been widely documents in the documentaries of the Flintstones.

The Iron Age

The Iron Age is a period of time after the Bronze Age. I will not be covering the bronze age in this report because I don’t know anything about it, I’ve only just heard about it when my ‘husband’ came down and saw I’d left if off my whiteboard.

The Iron Age ran from 700BC to, well, the end date of the Iron Age varies wildly because technically we still use iron so how can we quantify that this age ever ended? All the articles I’ve read on the subject say it ended around 300AD but I don’t agree.

The Iron Age started when Preston Popenose, a prominent scientist of the time, discovered that iron was a thing. He was playing with some hematite (Fe2O3) and magnetite (Fe3O4) and discovered through a very technical process that I fully understand but won’t elaborate further on because I chose not to, that he could make a metal. No one had ever seen metal before (apart from bronze, but that is a cheap whorish metal so I don’t think it should have had its own age). This new material was mind blowing to the whole world. Or the parts of the world that had been discovered at the time.

In a few short years people had discovered this metal could be moulded into any shape, and it would hold that shape and stand up to massive pressure, impact and wear and tear. It was used for everything possible pipes, pumps, popes, bolts, belts, bras, knockers, knackers, knickers and everything else made of iron.

Within 200 years the world was transformed from a lush plant, stone and mud kingdom to a metal riddled nightmare. People were getting bits of iron in their cereal, in their underpants, in their biscuit tins and worse of all on the end of their magnets, making them all furry and awkward to use. Iron everywhere was an epidemic for 4 years until Susan Hand realised that if they stopped using iron fillings as an air freshener, it wouldn’t get everywhere. It became the job of every young woman to sweep up the iron fillings and eat them, these young women would go house to house sweeping and eating. And this is where we get the term ‘iron maiden’ from.

By 300AD iron was used in most everything, if you were allergic to iron, your life would be an itchy nightmare.

The Dark Ages

The Dark Ages, unlike the stone or iron age, was a collection of ages. The Dark Ages consisted of a black age, a very dark grey age and a really deep navy age. These were not because of those colours being used a lot on tapestries and tunic, but rather more the mood the people of the world felt. The whole world was as moody as a teenager when asked to wake up at 9am to clean their room. You remember our son? Thomas do you? Remember Peter? You did nothing to help raise him! ‘Being busy at work’ is no excuse for not being a good parent! I held a job and also raised him!

The Dark Ages were a time of scientific and artistic decline. Some say that if the Dark Ages hadn’t happened we would have colonised mars and the moon by now. I worked 7 hours a day 5 days a week at that job yet still had time to take Peter to school and be with him on the evenings. Did you ever love us? It’s your fault he died! He should never have been allowed to do that parachute jump! Did you even care? What were you thinking? He was a dog for God sake, what made you think he could pull a rip cord?!

Between 700AD and 1300AD the catholic church…you know what sod this! Thomas I am leaving you, I haven’t loved you for years, I know you’ve been seeing Danielle! No one has a sleep over at their architects house! My wet nurse was right about you, you’re no good. You never have been and you never will be! I should have known. We only got together because you were bored of your wife. I should have known when you were ‘friends’ with all those other woman too. The things I let you do to me, I feel sick in my own skin now. You’ll never hurt me again Thomas!

These are all the things which I wish I could have said to you Thomas, but I can’t because I killed you. The day you let Peter die, I smashed you head to pieces with a frying pan! In a way, I regret that. I still hate you, but the doctors say I need to get the hate out of my system. They might let Mother come and visit me next month if I’m good. I haven’t stabbed anyone in two months! The hallucinations haven’t stopped yet, I keep seeing Cristopher Biggins walking through the walls. The doctors tell me you were never real, but I know what I know, how could I imagine you in such detail? Your purple eyes, the slight scar on your shoulder, the way you floated, your 2 foot endowment! These are details I just couldn’t make up!

I still remember the day we got married. The beach wedding, our parents weeping with joy, Brian Blessed performing the ceremony. The Smamptons were amazing that day! I can’t remember where we went on our honeymoon. Was there cake? My memory isn’t what it was. I looked young, I remember that. I’m old now Thomas, so old! My body has failed me but my mind is strong. Is that you mother? No, just Christopher again. He’s invited me to a tea party Thomas, shall I go. Will there be dancing? We loved to dance!

My world is black, my vision left me years ago, but I can still see your face. Your face as I crushed it to a pulp. There is nothing but my memories, and the blackness. I have to go now Thomas, there’s a man waiting for me. His face is so pale.

The medieval period

The medieval period
The medieval period was a period of time in England from 492 to 1102 AD. This is the period of time when there were knights, dragons and all of forms of magical beings. England was not the united kingdom it now is, rather it was split into many principalities. Kings were common place, a man could be king of his own privy if he so wished and no one could tell him otherwise, though he had to fashion a crown from the materials to hand. It was called the medieval period because it was a medium level of evilness, as most people were illiterate they couldn’t spell medium evil thus the bastardised version ‘medieval’ came into being. They were a simpler times, the primary forms of entertainment were dance and tapestry making, usually doing the two at the same time.

People
The people of medieval England were a simple folk, working primarily in the manufacture of mud and mud accessories, such as the mud hut, mud hat and mud hedge. They would spend their day toiling in fields, much like festival goers of modern times, they would slosh around in the mud, extracting all the muddy goodness. They thought earth worms were underground serpents who spoke to them via suggestive dance, this is where we get the modern day ‘worm’ dance from.

Knights
Knights were prolific in medieval England, every village had to select 4 boys each Michaelmas who would be sent away to knight school. There they would take evening classes on many subjects such as jousting, horse maintenance, wooing, optimal armour oiling points, maiden rescuing and group dance. It’s a little known fact that all knights of the realm had to be proficient in many various forms of dance, particularly any involving a group. The conga was invented by Sir Laboratoire Garnier one drunken weekend when his armour got caught in the buttock area of Sir Lionel Fanthorpe.
Knights would spend most of their adult lives going from town to town righting what was wrong, doing good deeds for peasants and generally keeping the peace. More often than not most knights would start out as a prisoner who had for some reason lost his memory, they would get embroiled in some bizarre quest which would lead them to other quest, they would go from quest to quest, their experience building up over time until usually they would be given some very high honour and made a lord or something. This is why virtually every computer game set in medieval times has adopted this story line.
There were no female knights! Over time this made the nights at knight school very hard.
Dragons
Dragons were everywhere in medieval times, on the whole they were docile creatures who wandered the country side (of which there was considerably more than there is now, local councils greenbelt policies of the time were very strict). They came in all sizes and shapes, mostly they were the size of a double decker bus, but not the same shape as a double decker bus, I’m just using the general length and height of said bus to draw comparisons in volume. I don’t want you thinking you could walk into the inside of a dragon and sit down and have a lift up the road, you couldn’t. They were just roughly similar sizes.
Obviously you got the occasional bag egg, which would usually be humanely destroyed, because if these bad eggs weren’t destroyed, when they hatched there would be a bad dragon inside, who would go round burning sheep, carrying maidens away while said maiden was bathing nude in a local stream or pond. The only way to kill a bad dragon was to be eaten whole and fight your way out from the inside, as their scales were far too thick to be punctured by the weaponry of the time. Mostly dwarfs were trained as internal dragon slayers to be fed to these dragons as they could be swallowed whole. Only 1 in 39 came out alive, this is why you’ll never see a dwarf in Jurassic park, they have a genetic fear of being force fed to a large lizard.
When a dragon dies its whole body calcifies and it turns to stone. Almost all the mountains in the world were created as a result of this stone based process. Dragons can come back to life, so next time you’re up a very high hill just be aware that at any moment it may crack open and a dragon may climb out!

The medieval period in the rest of the world
I don’t know, we never did that bit at school!
Medieval fun facts
• In 804 there were no less than 1134 kings of England, who all met up and had a big fight, only one (Henry the 8th) survived and became overall king of England
• It was legal to marry a square foot of mud
• It was illegal to place mud next to clay in November due to laws being written while very drunk
• Woman were considered more attractive if they had mushrooms growing from their shoulders
• All men over 45 looked like Brian Blessed
• Swans were treated very badly (used as toilet paper) and to this day they still hold a grudge

medieval

The Industrial Revolution

The industrial revolution
The industrial revolution took place between 1635 and 1904 all over mainland Europe and some parts of the top America. It is widely held as one of the biggest changes to the way humans produce decorative items and food stuffs in all of known and unknown history.

How did it begin?
In 1635 somewhere in England, Roger G. Pepperspray sat down with his wife, all day long he had been weaving a tapestry of some knights and horses frolicking on a battlement, when he broke down in manly tears. His wife, being a woman of the time, knew best not ask him anything lest she get a beating for speaking out of line. His son, a boy of no more than 34 approached his father with the lanyard of speech, clearly indicating that he was requesting permission to talk. His father, through watery eyes bade him come hither and talk. His son uttered the now world famous words

“Privytum father, privytums the matter oh father of mine, son of grandfather but not daughter of mother, wife of father and mother of myself”

Privytum was the word used by these simple people meaning ‘What’. Roger looked at his son, who was now also weeping uncontrollably. And said “Oh Disconipple (for that was his name) it’s these damn and blasted tapestries, every day I do them by hand and every day my hand gets such cramps, come evensong I cannot clench my fist, your mother has gone unbeaten for six whole weeks now, she is getting ideas above her station, last night she tried to get in my bed and touch my thigh!”

Everyone looked agog at their mother, and lo did she feel ashamed!

Disconipple went away from that conversation a changed man, he was resolute to help his poor father. Long were the nights he would sit at his drawing parchment, trying to discover a way to automate the tapestry making process.

Sadly Disconipple was an idiot and all he ever invented was a stick with a bit of material on the end and the concept of roundabouts (both road and playground type). He died pennyless, alone and with a stick with a bit of material on the end stuck up his bum.

Ikhambard Kingdom Brunill
In 1730 a man called Ikhambard Kingdom Brunill had an idea “What if we could automate manufacturing processes, what if we could automate the shit out of them, so much so that everything is made by automatons, what if we could build giant railways spanning every inch of the shitting country, what if I could use social media to not only connect with friends, but also businesses as well, I’d social the shit out of that media” he was well known for swearing inappropriately. When the queen knighted him he said “Thank you, you shittower”!

Ikhambard changed his name is Isambard Kingdom Brunel because people kept spelling it wrong. He was a pioneer in civil and uncivil engineering. By day he would work as a forestry commissioner but by night he would work on his plans of building huge structures, big enough to allow steam powered locomotives to navigate over large stretches of water. His plans for automatons and social media fell by the wayside when he invented the bridge. Up until that point no human had ever thought to build a structure over water for fear of trolls and/or sexually aggressive mermaids.

He build the Clifton suspension bridge all by himself one warm summer but lost his job at the forestry commission which is why he invented a toll charge to cross his bridge!

The industrial bit
Isambard Kingdom Brunel’s bridges meant that trains could now get to any bit of the country they wanted. This meant that goods could be delivered from one location to another with relative ease, this unfortunately put highway men out of work, luckily they all found new jobs in local and national government, so they could still rob people, am I right? Yeah satire!

The ability to transport things meant that materials and goods were able to be moved. In time this meant that giant machines could be made in one place and shipped somewhere else. This was well good! Within 50 years every town had factories and mills, people were making all kinds of shit.

During the industrial revolution almost everything that was invented had some kind of wheel attached to it, the spinning jenny was essentially a massive wheel, all forms of transport now had wheels attached to them, horses were not keen on this but in time the learned to adapt.

The spinning Jenny
The spinning Jenny was the spinning wheel that started it all, before she was invented spinning wheels were just a round wheel like structure which could change a small amount of straw into gold. But with the advent of The spinning Jenny, up to 8 times more straw could be made into gold. Thus they went into mass production and were shipped to every mill across the land. The only problem with them was that they were quite small machines and only children’s little hands could work them, so every child was taken out of school, regardless how near to finishing their GCSE’s they were and made to work on The spinning Jennys.

Within 2 years cases of ‘sleeping beauty syndrome’ was confirmed in 2 out of every 7 children, this condition would render them asleep for 100 years if they pricked their finger on one of the 8 needles found in The spinning Jennys.

In time better, less deadly milling machines were invented and cases of sleeping beauty syndrome greatly deminished. But kids were just being lazy so they all got sent back to school where they could play and learn. Yet kids today moan about having to learn sums, spoiled little buggers, get them back in the mills, then they’d know what hard work was!

Children from 13 – 18 would often work up to 69 hours a week, you hear that you little shits on your xboxs, moaning because you have to do some washing up or help clean your own room. 69 hours a week! Get off your lazy little spoiled arses, stop hanging around bus shelters, pull your trousers up and make yourselves useful, you set of ungrateful ingrates! Also stop playing your shit tinny music on your phones in public, little bastards!

Standardisation
The idea of standardisation was a blindingly simple one. Simply make all measurements standard, for example a 3/4ths half top torque lug notch nut made in one factory would not necessarily be the same dimensions as a 3/4ths half top torque lug notch nut made in another factory, so everyone just decided to get together and make all things the same size as each other, thus meaning parts made in one place would fit into parts made somewhere else, and that’s how lego was invented.

Environmental impact
With half the world now running factories and mills, the impact on the environment was felt quickly. Whole towns would be charged black with soot from chim chimneys, thick dark dust would coat the faces and faeces of every man, woman and boy working in the mills. Come the Christmas of 1874, when the snow fell, it was not pristine white flakes of winter fun, it was thick black balls of dirt, soot and grime. This time was known as ‘Mucky Christmas’, which is where the getting a lump of coal for Christmas comes from if you’ve been naughty.

With great economic boons comes great financial rewards and during this time every living human was a millionaire, people would spend every night down the pub getting drunk, which of course meant the population soared (are were sore), within 100 years of the start of the industrial revolution the world’s population went from 147,000 to well over 2 million people! An utterly unfathomable statistic. Obviously that number of humans could not be sustained for long and shortly after the plague of 1874 the population of the earth had gone back down to a manageable 800,000.

The end
The end of the industrial revolution was rapid and shocking to all involved. Up until 1903 factories were chugging away, belching out their black foul air, children worked hard, long and grateful. But in 1904 electricity was discovered in a mine in Brixton, the land above was named ‘Electric Avenue’ and from that day on robots did everything and thus the revolution was ended.

The industrial revolution fun facts

  • There was never a revolution, that was just the alarmist name for it in the papers of the time
  • 89% of the world’s resources of top hats were used up due to increased ‘fat cat’
  • So many people left the countryside and their farms to move to the cities that most cows and sheep roamed free and had to run the village post offices
  • The dogs let themselves out
  • A woman (Pitty Pottypoo) invented canals when her husband who didn’t speak English very well said one night “I can anal?”
  • No one, not for half of one second, though that any of this might be a bad thing!

The Industrial Revolution

The Egyptians

The Egyptians

The Egyptians were a race of people who lived 2389 BC to 4AD primarily in the Egyptian part of the world, which is a hot arid region somewhere in the bit of the world that might be a bit scary to go to because it’s different from where you live and you’re not sure if it’s one of those terroristy kind of places, which is quite racist of you to think, go there, you’ll be fine and have a lovely time.

Over many years there were hundreds of rulers of the Egyptian people, many of whom were called something like Ichcambar. The most famous ruler of Egypt was Cleopatra who became king by being the most prettiest woman they had ever seen.

Egypt is probably most famous for their pioneering work on triangle based architecture which will be discussed in depth later on in this article.

Egyptians are often linked with stories of other worldly creatures visiting them and this can be proven by the televisual documentaries of ‘Stargate’ which prove that the Egyptians would use round wormhole based portal technology to travel to distant planets, this mostly resulted in absolutely nothing of interest to anyone but a small group of people who had poor social skills, these people usually lived with their parents, they would collect small figurines of characters from the entertainment of the time, and not talk to a female without nearly fainting or secreting their body weight in sweat, these are a kind, fair and noble people and should be looked upon with reverence and humility for they are truly gods (and goddesses) among men (or woman).

We can’t prove that alien life visited the Egyptian people and put symbiotic parasites that controlled their host but it is scientific fact that this happened. Now let’s not get bogged down in the fact that at the end of the Stargate ‘film’ the main naughty person turns into what would be classically called a ‘grey’ alien yet in the television documentary the ‘grey’ aliens are called Asgards and are generally of force for good, the truth is I don’t know why that happened and it’s probably best we don’t think too hard about it! Also don’t get the Asgard people confused with Asgards where Thor lives. The whole thing is a quagmire of confusion!

Cleopatra

Cleopatra was 17 when the people of Egypt made her a lady king, she had won Miss Egypt seven years in a row and it just made good business sense to have a ruler that was attractive. She had pioneered the method of having thick black eye makeup and this gave her a haunting quality which at the time was unrivalled by any woman. She was in power for a good 25 years and only stopped being in power because she grew tired of it so being the right grump cow she was she let a snake bite her on the bosom and died. She left her only son Julius Caesar who went on to live in Rome and called people brutes for eating two things.

A typical day for a standard Egyptian

The Egyptians were a proud and noble race, who would often spend many hours a day toiling in fields or building stone based buildings. However how an Egyptian would spend their day was determined on what their job was, there were four main types of people in Egypt

  • Slave
  • Slave master
  • Slave master master
  • Slave master master master

Slaves were treated as well as any slave of that day, there were regular beating, meetings and bleatings. They worked under very harsh conditions, some of them didn’t live past 11 or 12, though most of them made it to tea time!

The slave masters sometimes weren’t masters of slaves at all, they just had a normal day job like plumbing or working at the university.

The slave master masters would sit on those sofas without a back and just eat grapes.

I have no idea what slave master master masters did or if they even existed, if they did they were probably ninjas or something!

Religion

Egyptians worshiped many different gods, gods of the air, land and seas. There was a different god for every occasions.

  • Ismimotep: the god of knocking cups over
  • Timtimatim: the god of the stubbed toe
  • Bebo: the god of outdated social interactions

If there wasn’t a god for any given situation then a new one would be invented and worshipped, their worship would involve the human putting their arms out to the side, and bending their arms at a 90 degree angle and doing a kind of odd head and arm dance, which is where the song ‘Walk like an Egyptian by The Bangles’ came from!

The main god in Egyptian times was Ragh the Sun god, or basically they worshiped the sun, because it was always hot in Egypt and as the sun gave them everything they needed to live, apart from water, TV or potatos, they thought it best that they worship it, because if there’s one thing massive burning balls of chemicals need to continue being massive balls of burning chemicals, it’s humans flailing themselves around millions of miles away.

The Pyramids

Over the years many people have wondered how the pyramids were built, the simple answer is slaves, thousands and thousands of slaves. ‘But how could humans build such buildings with the technology at the time?’ again the answer is slaves hundreds of thousands of slaves! ‘But how did they know to build them in the shape that is similar to constellations of some stars?’ because people looked up and used their eyes and brains to think it would be nice. Also as I’ve mentioned, stargates!

The pyramids usually refer to the three pyramids in Giza in the valley of the kings, however there are many more pyramids about. But those three are the most famous, they are the building equivalent of the three stooges. There is little that hasn’t been written about these three pyramids, however the single Pyramid of Achiball is far more interesting than these, if the pyramids of Giza are the three stooges then the pyramid of Achiball is Charlie Chaplin.

The pyramid of Achiball is a scientific mystery because to this day it remains as pristine as the day it was built, the bright white marble hasn’t been stripped off the outside, the front door still works with its stone based clockwork door system. The booby traps, while all also made out of stone, are nowhere near as deadly as any other, in fact they are more jokes as they don’t try and kill you but rather several tickle you and one will kiss you using the pretend face of Cleopatra the 4th. Once inside the Pyramid, there isn’t a burial chamber or anywhere for slaves to be beaten, but just a nice sitting area and place to buy low price but high quality handbags. Perhaps the most interesting thing about the pyramid of Achiball is that instead of being a pyramid shape, it’s actually rectangle shaped, some argue this means it’s not a pyramid, but it is, it is!

Egyptian fun facts

  • Egypt has several other names such as Triangle town, Sandy settlement and Washington D.C
  • Everyone in Egypt really loved cats, they put their likeness on everything to try and win some form of admiration from the cats, but the cat’s didn’t give a shit and remain aloof to this day!
  • Camels were invented in Egypt then a horse mated with a really ugly giraffe
  • Egyptians didn’t let the dogs out

The Egyptians

Henry the 8th

Henry the Eighth

Henry the Grumpy
Henry the Grumpy

Mini Bio
Henry the 8th was the 8th king of England from 1487 to 1544 AD, he took many wives and caused major reformations in the catholic church through a series of harsh changes and violent outbursts. He is famous for his shocking red hair and beard and being a portly gentleman, his main accomplishments in life (besides his numerous marriages) was the invention of a floatation system for keeping beards dry (and afloat) he was also a pioneer in the field of couples counselling!

Biography
Henry the 8th was born in Kingston, England in the year 1474! For the first six and a third months of his life he didn’t have a name and was simply referred to as Little lord Tibbult because they thought he was a cat! He was covered from head to toe in thick ginger hair and could walk on all fours within six hours of being born. He would often lap at milk and emit a mewing tone when bored.

As he was born in Kingston he was set to become king, any living being born from a human female within the towns’ limits was allowed to be king. The town of Kingston was only 12 meters square and was (at the time) the smallest settlement in all the land, it has since been surpassed by the 1 meter cubed town of Rubik.

Until they realised Henry wasn’t a cat he slept with his mother and father (Belinda and Clive Hotwaterbottle) in a tiny basket at the foot of their bed. When Henry’s fur fell off they soon realised he was a real human boy, unfortunately for Henry the fur remained on his head and chin, thus giving the thick head of hair and beard we all know and love.

By the age of twelve Henry had been given a proper name ‘Henry Pumple Tissuecheeks’. At the age of twelve and twelve days he was coronated as High King of England and the great British isles of the commonwealth of the united kingdom or hkegbicuk for short or hkoeatgbiotcotuk for medium! The nation celebrated his coronation by cutting out triangles of material, making them into little triangle pouches, fitting each one with a tiny new born baby bunny and stringing them up, in several days when the tiny bunnies were dead they would put the corpses in tiny tins and serve them for Christmas, this is where we get ‘bunting’ from.

Within three days of becoming King, Henry hit puberty and the randy adult feelings began to grow. A king wants what a king gets and so his first wife was found ‘Catherine of Parr’ was her name, a young slip of a girl, not more than 17 years old. They were married and began fornication during the wedding ceremony, Henry couldn’t wait to kiss her so while the vicar was doing the ceremony Henry stabbed him in the buttock to speed things up, this is now why the vicar or registrar tells the marrying couple that they may kiss, as it is perfectly legal to stab someone if your marriage ceremony is taking too long!

On their wedding night when they had got into their royal chambers and Henry could actually get Catherines clothes off and see what her lady bits looked like, he was horrified, he was expecting the same kind of genetalia as his own royal member, having never seen the groin zone of a lady, and medieval pornography mostly consisting of tapestries or crude needle craft, he didn’t know what to expect. He didn’t know what to do so he did the only thing he could, he screamed “Off with her head” and she was instantly decapitated by Cardinal Woolsey.

In the days that followed the catholic priests told Henry how the human reproductive systems worked and Henry felt terrible, so later that week he got married to ‘Catherine of Anne Boleyn’ she was a very saucy wench and on their wedding night she made sure Henry was shown how lady parts worked. He pretended to know, but like all men, was still utterly baffled by the whole thing. A few years passed and things were going well for them, they went on dates, enjoyed plays, jesters, pageantry, all that olde worlde shit. But then one day Catherine of Anne Boleyn accidentally got caught in Henry’s beard, her nose ring was snagged good and proper so the only way to free her was to remove her head from her body in the hope that would free it. It worked, sadly Catherine died shortly after due to an unrelated issue.

For many years Henry lived the life of the bachelor, mostly drinking broth from cups, which is where bachelors cup-a-soups originated, and also where Henry made most of his fortune!

When Henry Turned 23 he married the acress Jane Seymore, who is probably best known for her role in Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman, playing the titular character, but due to the hectic work schedule of Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman Jane wasn’t at Henry’s castle (Henry’s big castle in London, known as Londons big castle) so Henry wanted to divorce her but because he hadn’t changed the rules to the catholic faith he couldn’t, so he ate her!
As the years marched on Henry’s mind turned to Children, he wanted a son or daughter, either would be fine, he really wasn’t bothered which, so again he took a wife Anne of John Cleese. He rodgered her good and proper but after years of pointless sex making she could or would not give him a child, so because technically she was half sideboard the marriage was annulled.

Henry tried again, he found Catherine of Frankie Howard, but she was a lesbian and wouldn’t do kinky stuff so Henry got a right grump on. He wanted a divorce but the Catholics were having none of it because to them that was against their religion, so Henry thought “Right bollocks to the lot of you, I’ll make up another religion, that’s a bit similar to catholasisam but changes some of the basic rules meaning I can do whatever I want and just rewrite this new made up religion to fit whatever my kingly heart desires” and he did, and for some reason he destroyed a load of churches rather than just put in for planning permission for change of purpose!

So a new English church was born which let you get away with all kinds of stuff but which was some how more correct than all other other similar versions of that religion which were all based on the same book but interpreted differently to fit in with the needs of those in power at the time.
Henry found Aragon of Parr, a lovely lady who desperately wanted to give Henry some spawn but her vagina had dried up due to lack of use, she did look like the back of a bus and had never felt the harsh rough hands of a medieval man on her nethers. Henry tried but it didn’t work out, they kept in touch on faceparchment and sent messages to each other via carrier sparrows, or Twitter, but nothing more.

Henry’s seventh wife was Oliver Cromwell.

Henry’s eighth and final wife was Catherine of Parr, but a different one from his first wife of the same name, they had a right nice time for ages, she was everything Henry wanted in a woman, she was busty in the bedroom, good at making ice cream in the parlour, a seamstress in the kitchen, a thick carpet on the hallway and had plenty of storage space in the downstairs back lounge. As time passed Catherine became with child, Henry’s child, a boy! A new king there was to be! The country celebrated for 8 solid days, until someone realised that a baby with a winky that goes in and not out is not a boy, but a girl, a female king had been born! The country celebrated again, but not for 8 days, they were quite tired and there was a lot of ironing to do!

When the baby lady king turned 12 Henry did as all royalty must do, he said his goodbyes and walked off into the wilds of England. Some say he wanders this land still, seeking out injustice, trying to put right what once went wrong, hoping the next leap, will be the leap home!
Henry the 8th fun facts

• Henry the Eighth had 8 wives, which is where his name comes from
• Henry the Eighth invented fractions, particularly things in eighths
• He wrote the song greensleeves after inventing the colour green and sleeves
• He tried to rename December to Decemburr because it was always cold!
• Spoke with a very thick cockney accent
• He invented the word ‘Ate’ because it sounded a bit like Eighth
• He let the dogs out
• Wrote and animated the cartoon ‘Henry’s cat’