The Human Ages

By Susan P Lampwick

There are 4 known ‘ages’ in history, they are

• Stone
• Iron
• Dark
• Old

There are more ages but for the purpose of this report I shall only claim there are 4. Though most of these ages break down in to sub sets of lesser ages, which in themselves have wide and varied ages inside them, these are also known as periods. These periods are often times of great upheaval or struggle. Which more often than not caused widespread panic, upset, violence and frequent moping about being a bit weepy.

An ‘age’ is any period in history where one specific item or way of living is more prevalent than anything else. For example we are currently living in the ‘playing on your phone or computer when you should be listening to me trying to talk to you, Thomas you bastard!’ age.

I shall now break down the ages into the separate ages so you can then read them and learn what I am trying to teach you.

The Stone Age

The Stone Age started before recorded time began, at our best guess we put this as early at somewhere between 1BC and 23492345923BC. We simply can’t be sure.

Before Jesus, before Noah, before Adam and Eve, before Adam and Steve, before just Adam on his own, before even Bruce Forsyth was born, there was Stone Age man. And also stone age woman. They were not Homosapians like you or I but rather Homoerectus, the most erotic of all the homos. As a people they were simple, they didn’t have the vast mental intellect we modern humans have. Their knowledge of fine dining was rudimentary at best. They didn’t know what compote was!

Their day to day life would consist of waking, having a small meal of berries and dried meats. They would then engage in social interactions with one another. Unlike you Thomas, they didn’t spend all morning on the phone with ‘clients’ or locked in their offices. I can hear you Skyping in there, you’re writing your memoirs, why are you always talking to people?!

Homoerectus would live in large groups mostly for protection but also because they were deeply social. Through advanced scientific investigates and blind guess work we have discovered that males and females would mate for life. For life Thomas, remember the vows on our wedding day?

The males would hunt for food during the day while the females would stay at home and prepare food and the evening’s entertainment. The entertainment at the time was highly rudimentary, they didn’t have the thrilling variety shows we have today. Of an evening the whole tribe would sit around a fire and show various rocks and stones that they’d found that day. Who ever found the best stone was crowned king (or queen) for the night and was allowed to lay on the big rock which was rolled around while the king (or queen) tried to stay atop it. This is where we get the term ‘rock and roll’ from.

Their food mostly consisted of fruits and meats, with the occasional bread cake or muffin. They never thought to invent milk shakes!

Stone Age man would, as their name suggests, use stone primarily in the building of their settlements. They would build homes from stone and mud, these houses were quite intricate. They had several rooms, serving many purposes. It is proven that they had specific rooms for sleeping, eating, entertaining friends and family and toilet rooms. While they were advanced in architecture, they never thought to invent anything closely resembling a conservatory.

The stone age people also utilised tools and objects in their day to day lives. Many examples of axes, chisels, hammers, mallets and clogs were found in dig sites. Also these people would use the local wildlife to aid in their day to day lives. It is a proven scientific guess that mammoths were used to shower, pelicans were used as a kind of garbage disposal unit, birds were used as alarm clocks and dinosaurs were kept as pets. It’s been widely documents in the documentaries of the Flintstones.

The Iron Age

The Iron Age is a period of time after the Bronze Age. I will not be covering the bronze age in this report because I don’t know anything about it, I’ve only just heard about it when my ‘husband’ came down and saw I’d left if off my whiteboard.

The Iron Age ran from 700BC to, well, the end date of the Iron Age varies wildly because technically we still use iron so how can we quantify that this age ever ended? All the articles I’ve read on the subject say it ended around 300AD but I don’t agree.

The Iron Age started when Preston Popenose, a prominent scientist of the time, discovered that iron was a thing. He was playing with some hematite (Fe₂O₃) and magnetite (Fe₃O₄) and discovered through a very technical process that I fully understand but won’t elaborate further on because I chose not to, that he could make a metal. No one had ever seen metal before (apart from bronze, but that is a cheap whorish metal so I don’t think it should have had its own age). This new material was mind blowing to the whole world. Or the parts of the world that had been discovered at the time.

In a few short years people had discovered this metal could be moulded into any shape, and it would hold that shape and stand up to massive pressure, impact and wear and tear. It was used for everything possible pipes, pumps, popes, bolts, belts, bras, knockers, knackers, knickers and everything else made of iron.

Within 200 years the world was transformed from a lush plant, stone and mud kingdom to a metal riddled nightmare. People were getting bits of iron in their cereal, in their underpants, in their biscuit tins and worse of all on the end of their magnets, making them all furry and awkward to use. Iron everywhere was an epidemic for 4 years until Susan Hand realised that if they stopped using iron fillings as an air freshener, it wouldn’t get everywhere. It became the job of every young woman to sweep up the iron fillings and eat them, these young women would go house to house sweeping and eating. And this is where we get the term ‘iron maiden’ from.

By 300AD iron was used in most everything, if you were allergic to iron, your life would be an itchy nightmare.

The Dark Ages

The Dark Ages, unlike the stone or iron age, was a collection of ages. The Dark Ages consisted of a black age, a very dark grey age and a really deep navy age. These were not because of those colours being used a lot on tapestries and tunic, but rather more the mood the people of the world felt. The whole world was as moody as a teenager when asked to wake up at 9am to clean their room. You remember our son? Thomas do you? Remember Peter? You did nothing to help raise him! ‘Being busy at work’ is no excuse for not being a good parent! I held a job and also raised him!

The Dark Ages were a time of scientific and artistic decline. Some say that if the Dark Ages hadn’t happened we would have colonised mars and the moon by now. I worked 7 hours a day 5 days a week at that job yet still had time to take Peter to school and be with him on the evenings. Did you ever love us? It’s your fault he died! He should never have been allowed to do that parachute jump! Did you even care? What were you thinking? He was a dog for God sake, what made you think he could pull a rip cord?!

Between 700AD and 1300AD the catholic church…you know what sod this! Thomas I am leaving you, I haven’t loved you for years, I know you’ve been seeing Danielle! No one has a sleep over at their architects house! My wet nurse was right about you, you’re no good. You never have been and you never will be! I should have known. We only got together because you were bored of your wife. I should have known when you were ‘friends’ with all those other woman too. The things I let you do to me, I feel sick in my own skin now. You’ll never hurt me again Thomas!

These are all the things which I wish I could have said to you Thomas, but I can’t because I killed you. The day you let Peter die, I smashed you head to pieces with a frying pan! In a way, I regret that. I still hate you, but the doctors say I need to get the hate out of my system. They might let Mother come and visit me next month if I’m good. I haven’t stabbed anyone in two months! The hallucinations haven’t stopped yet, I keep seeing Cristopher Biggins walking through the walls. The doctors tell me you were never real, but I know what I know, how could I imagine you in such detail? Your purple eyes, the slight scar on your shoulder, the way you floated, your 2 foot endowment! These are details I just couldn’t make up!

I still remember the day we got married. The beach wedding, our parents weeping with joy, Brian Blessed performing the ceremony. The Smamptons were amazing that day! I can’t remember where we went on our honeymoon. Was there cake? My memory isn’t what it was. I looked young, I remember that. I’m old now Thomas, so old! My body has failed me but my mind is strong. Is that you mother? No, just Christopher again. He’s invited me to a tea party Thomas, shall I go. Will there be dancing? We loved to dance!

My world is black, my vision left me years ago, but I can still see your face. Your face as I crushed it to a pulp. There is nothing but my memories, and the blackness. I have to go now Thomas, there’s a man waiting for me. His face is so pale.