Dear Sir/Madam
I have written to your company once before, that time I was so angry I was visibly shaking with rage, well this time, my anger is so great that I have gone beyond shaking and am still as a really calm mill pond, but don’t let that deceive you for what I have just witnessed in my local Tesco is so utterly offensive to me that I don’t know what to do with myself. It’s half past nine at night and I don’t know if I will sleep tonight, the rage is so great. Fear not though, I am not a violent man in anyway, I will not lash out at anyone, if anything I will turn the anger into something creative, I may write a song about all this in the end!
But please allow me the honour of explaining the cause of my rage. I have previously written to you about walkers decision to cease production of Salt and cracked black pepper sensation crisps as can be read here
“Dear Sir/Madam of the walkers crisp conglomeration
Forgive me if my spelling goes awry in this communication as I am literally shaking with rage at the unforgivable actions of your company. Firstly I wish to make it plainly clear I am furious at the actions of the company and not the poor individual who has to read and respond to this letter. I bear you no ill will good sir or madam, it is not your fault I am in such a rage. Please don’t take the tone of this letter personally, you have to work and replying to such communiqué is your job, I know in these recessionary times we all have to do what we can to make end meat. I hope your day is going well, personally my day was going very nicely, that was until I saw what I saw, which I suppose you would be interested in knowing as this is the whole reason I am writing to you.
Picture the scene in your idea purse (brain) I was happily doing my usual Monday morning shop at my local Tesco, getting the essentials sundries such as anchovies, cooking chocolate, vegan beef, staples (I don’t own a stapler but I like the way staples look), dragon fruit, dog egg bags, wheat free wheat and of course Smaptons. As I say, just the essentials!
Then I thought I would treat myself to some of your delicious crisp based potato snack items. And this is when things took a turn for the unpleasant. Now let me give you a little back ground on me, Cecil, I’m not a young man, I’ve been around a few blocks, I know how the world works more or less and I have come to term with the fact that some produce go out of production. It’s a sad fate to be sure, I still weep and pine for a Cadburys Spira! So several years ago when your company in their infinite stupidity decided to cease production of the salt and black pepper sensations crisps, I literally rued the day! It was a black day when I walked into my Tesco and saw the rest of the sensations range, but no longer my beloved salt and black pepper sensations. I wanted to write and complain there and then, but I was simply too upset. It was what started off a great depression of mine, and try as hard as my beloved wife did to recreate those crisps with your ready salted and her own black pepper, they simply weren’t the same.
Years passed and I still couldn’t bring myself to write to you and voice my shock and disbelief at this baffling action. I assume they weren’t a good seller, but they always were the first to sell out in our Tesco. Because they were simply the best crisps ever made! And that’s taking into account Brannigans roast beef and mustard! So then imagine my horror when as I was walking in my Tesco this morning I spy a new flavour of sensations, at first my heart sang with the joy of a thousand cherubs in spring! Then as I adjusted my glasses and read the flavour on the packet my heart sank, like a Titanic in April. This new flavour still wasn’t a return of the Salt and black pepper deliciousness. It was some prawn based taste, I don’t know specifically because I’ve forgotten! Why are you constantly bringing out these dreadful new flavours and not reinstating a classic?! Nobody I know cares about onion based crisp flavours! And on closer inspection these crisps were from you ‘Extra crunchy’ line. I have no idea what the thinking was being this product line, who wants thick crisps!? I did a short survey and 3 out of three people said ‘no’ they didn’t want crunchy crisps! And if that’s the feeling across the nation, you’re backing a losing product line there!
So I write this to literally beg you, Walkers crisp people, I beg you like Braibbian would beg his Alfontae in summer, please bring back the salt and black pepper sensations type, pleeeeseesseeessaseeeee!!!!!!
If you do bring them back I will literally sing your praises.
Dear Cecil
Thank you for your recent email regarding Walkers crisps and our company.
I have noted from your email that you have raised a number of different enquiries and I hope to be able to address all of your questions in turn.
I would like to start with our Walkers Sensations crisps, and sadly, I do have to disappoint you as we have no future plans to re-launch the Sea Salt & Cracked Black flavour crisps within this range at this time, though I shall certainly be passing on your feedback regarding this flavour to my colleagues within our marketing and developments team.
It is always a difficult decision for our marketing teams when they have to discontinue a flavour, though you are correct in that this normally is the decision that is made when a particular flavour is not as popular and not selling as well as originally anticipated.
Thanks once again for your email.
Regards
Karen De Burle
Customer Services”
So then, knowing how I previously felt about Walkers decision to stop making the salt and cracked black pepper sensation crisps, you can imagine my utter inconceivable horror when, while perusing the crisp isle at my local Tesco, my eye came up Walkers Market Deli.
I would just like to know when the flying flippery is going on a Walker?! Why would you do this to me? Have I offended you in some way? This seems like the biggest slap in the face anyone could give me! Not only do you clearly still have the salt and cracked black pepper flavouring but then you refuse to put it on a normal crisp, instead you dust in on an abhorrent tortia. I honestly, I, there are no words to describe how flummoxed I am at this decision.
I just stood in Tesco, looking at these things, a look of shear horror and disbelief on my face, because for 3 wondrous brief seconds, I thought Walkers had reversed their idiotic decision and brought back my most favourite crisps.
I of course had to buy and try these tortia nibbles, when I got home I knew it wouldn’t be like it was with the sensations, a tortia is a very brittle, bland snack also a very dry snack. I knew as soon as I’d put one in my mouth it was wrong. It was making an insipid mockery of what I had loved. This is the phantom menace all over again!
So once again I am begging you to bring back the salt and cracked black pepper sensations crisps, enough with this Walkers Market Deli nonsense, they’re too posh, too elitist. If I wanted a highbrow crisp I would go to Marks and Spenser, except I would because I don’t want an overpriced bland crisp, I want my beloved salt and cracked black pepper sensations back!
I guarantee these posh crisps will not sell well, with in a year Walkers will cease production of them, nobody likes a snobby crisp, don’t get ideas above your snacky station, a crisp is the go to snack for the common man (or woman), we don’t want to feel were being judged by a crisp.
I’ll not sleep tonight because of all this!
Thank you for your time
Cecil Thax
PS
It’s the day after I wrote this and thankfully I did sleep very well, but the bag of Market Deli tortias sits on my table, with 70% of them still in the bag, mocking me at what could have been!
radiothax.com 