Old man in skyrim – Part 4

The Premise

Skyrim is a vast sprawling game, you can pretty much do anything you want, so I decided to live in Skyrim, to see how an old man coped with the harsh environment and bizarre folk that inhabit this land. This is my tale!

The Rules

80 year old man in Skyrim.

Only doing what an average 80 year old can do.

No constantly running, using shouts (special powerful magics), magic or fast travel.

No murder or stealing or anything unethical, should always try to run away from a fight.

Read part three here – https://radiothax.com/2013/09/09/old-man-in-skyrim-3/

Day 5

I’m up bright and early without a hint of hang over. If anything I feel more refreshed and rested than any sleep I’ve had here. It must be the lack of bards! I get up and have some breakfast of a baked potato and set off on a nice gentle stroll.

Nice walk first thing in the morning
Nice walk first thing in the morning

As I walk down the cobble road, I pick poesy and herbs. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, the river roars next to me in a soothing manor, I even find a handy bridge to allow me to cross said river to the main bit of land I need to be on. This is a perfect wonderful day. Nothing can go wrong!

Something went wrong!

Oh god, I’m presented with an horrific scene!

Murder on the Skyrim express
Murder on the Skyrim express

There is a cart here, in front of it, a horse is slumped on the floor, dead! To the rear a woman is also similarly dead! There are arrows all over the floor, cart and corpses. I inappropriately think that ‘The cart and corpses’ is a good name for a pub. The scene is truly horrific, I do the only honorable thing I can do, I walk away from the crime scene without stealing any of their clothes.

A short distance away, as I walk up the road, I see some movement on the horizon. I get closer and can just make out three figures in the heather. Are these the murderers? Will they fill me full of arrows? In the name of justice and curiosity I try and get a little bit closer to them, suddenly two of the three go into a crouched position. I back away, they stand up! I need to go down this road, but to my left are sheer cliffs and to my right is the fast deep river, this seems oddly familiar. I’m literally paralyzed with indecision for two hours, I just can’t decide what to do!

Friend of foe?
Friend of foe?

The only other option I have is to turn around and walk the other way. Unfortunately that other way is over a mountain and I certainly don’t have the clothes or strength for that. No, I must try and sneak passed these people!

I crouch down and crawl behind the bushes and manage to get a bit closer. What are they doing? They look like they’re doing some impromptu mime! I hate mimes more than bards! I stand up and try to walk away, but as soon as I’m erect, one of them rushes over to me! This is it, death! Death by mime! I always knew it would end this way! Please make it swift!

I hope they're not flashers
I hope they’re not flashers

But death does not come swiftly, the only thing that comes swiftly is hospitality and friendship! The man has run over to me to offer me a drink! I of course partake!  The men are having a party or some kind of celebration, the more the merrier they say!

The best way to start the day
The best way to start the day

The party is over, the men wish me well and then begin to walk away. That was their first mistake. You don’t offer Cecil Thax a beverage in a strange hostile land then abandon him. No, he’ll clings onto you like a drunk limpet.  So as the men walk away, I tag along! They seem happy enough with this, assuming their silence is anything to go by. All we need is a tin bath and they could make a rudimentary go kart.

We walk for about 3 minutes when we happen upon a fort. 2 of my new chums go and investigate, before I can figure out what’s happening one of the men runs away with the other shouting “You call yourself a Nord!”. I take a look around the corner to see what the fuss was about, maybe he had sexually propositioned him or asked to touch his wife’s bosom. No, it was the giant man shooting arrows at him that’s caused the upset!

That's not a fort, this is a fort!
That’s not a fort, this is a fort!

Arrows clatter around my feet, I begin to run as fast as my old man legs will carry me, I rejoin my drinking buddies and we all run. Unfortunately we manage to run right into the front gates of this fort and into the swords and arrows of the bandit’s encamped there, very quickly 4 become three then three just become me!

Drinking buddy 1, NNOOOO!!
Drinking buddy 1, NNOOOO!!

The slaughter was horrific and quick. I turn and run in the opposite direction but a woman is hot on my heels and swinging a dagger at me. I try and run but she keeps pace with me easily, she gets too close!

Get away from me you bitch!
Get away from me you bitch!

I run near the river and fall in. I get swept along by the rapid current but luckily get pushed over to the other shore. I’m safe! I take 2 seconds to catch my breath. The stupid cow woman comes running out of the water at me, with her dagger in hand! I try to run but my legs are old and weak.I just make it past the rapids in the river before I stumble and fall back into the water. The current is much slower here, so I swim to the other side and watch as the woman is attacked by two of the biggest crabs I’ve ever seen. They make quick work in murdering her.

I’m finally safe! I take 2 second to OHSHITNO the crabs are coming at me now, they quickly swim over to my side of the river and start chasing me. Luckily they are quite slow, but so am I. I can just keep out of their reach while I walk down the road. I eventually make it back to the dead horse and woman and avail myself on their cart. Crabs can’t climb right?

You can't get me up here!
You can’t get me up here!

I’m somewhat safe, they can’t reach me, though I am trapped. If they made such quick work of that bandit woman, they would kill me in a matter of nano seconds. As I’m contemplating a plan of escape one crafty crab starts climbing up the rock that I climbed up to get in this cart. I back away from it only to get too close to the other which nips my leg. It really really hurt!

Ok, so they can climb, but they can't jump, right?
Ok, so they can climb, but they can’t jump, right?

After a few minutes of moving around the cart to avoid these bastard crabs, I realise I have to make a run for it, though the crabs are slow and so am I, so when I stumble down from the cart the crabs give chase while I walk away, the slowest and deadliest game of tag begins! I back track all the way back to the dragon bridge, surely someone there will be able to dispatch a couple of giant crabs with ease.

Dragon bridge citizens, save me!
Dragon bridge citizens, save me!

The two citizens of Dragons Bridge I meet do indeed leap to my aid. Unfortunately, they are killer crabs, before I can even get my dagger out of my tunic they murder a lady!

Murdering crab bastards!
Murdering crab bastards!

Moments later a man kills one of the crabs, the other crab avenges his crab brethren and kills the man. Crabs 3 – Humans 1.

Fist Vs claw!
Fist Vs claw!

The remaining crab comes at me again, I finally get my dagger in hand and go knife to claw with the crab. Luckily for me the woman had done massive damage to it, so it only takes me two swipes to kill it! 2 citizens of Dragon Bridge, I have avenged you. A small child walks into view, he is the son of the dead woman, he takes a look at his mother, it seems like he can’t comprehend what his tiny child eyes are seeing. He just walks away with his goats.

Clinton Lylvieve, recently orphaned.
Clinton Lylvieve, recently orphaned.

I turn to hear a dog whimpering, it’s laid over its master crying, the dog prods the man with its nose and howls. In a way I feel a little bit responsible!

Which is sadder, orphans or an upset dog?
Which is sadder, orphans or an upset dog?

I walk out of town and vow never to return, I doubt they would take kindly to me. I make camp just over the bridge and have a restless sleep.

Next time – An old mans best friend

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