Hello Dear blog reader, I, Paul Thax have been tasked with bringing in some money to the house. So I’m aiming high and being a go getting jet setter. I have applied for the job below, read my application.
Application for the position of “Consulting Practice Director – superb comp – £150-£300k pack
Our leading Financial Services Consulting firm require a Consulting Practice Director to lead one of their rapidly growing Divisions in Europe – you may be a practice lead, or team lead or senior manager/manager in consulting at the moment.
You will have experience ideally in providing Consulting Products to Financial Services, Capital Markets / Asset Managment sectors – you may come from a performance, strategy, compensation, reward, benefits or other sector which is similar – bottom line is you must have experience of running a Practice, be superb at growing a Consulting firm (not necessarily only in FS, but ideally) and as such selling Consulting services and products.
If you wish to find out more about this extremely exciting possibility to move forwards in a market leader with enormous plans and potential for growth in 2015 then please apply on the button.
Compensation is huge – base salary expected £140-£175k + bonus + benefits – total pack £200k-£250k – this is a huge opportunity for a Consulting professional.
Apply on the button if this fits your skills and wish to have a conversation – we will call you right back to talk further – this role is ConsultRPM and we look forward to hearing from you.”
Dear Sir or Madame
Hello, I am writing you this letter on ‘spec’ as they say. I am not entirely sure what ‘spec’ means, I think its short for ‘Spectrum’ like the old computer from the 1980’s the ZX Spectrum. However, I am writing it on a windows based computer. I don’t know which version of Windows it is that I am using, I do not know if this will affect my chances at all. So I am writing you this letter on ‘Win’ and this letter is a winner!!
I am a person who has a father who has ordered him (me) to “get off your (mine) arse (bum) and go and get yourself (myself) a job”. He was really shouting and he went bright red so I could tell he meant it.
I have not attached my CV to this submission because it would be detrimental to my application. Let’s just say, I went to a school, sat all the GCSE’s and technically didn’t fail any of them. I then went on to college where I undertook some training for a period of time, which then ended, in 2001. Since then I have kept myself busy by consuming as much entertainment as possible both in the mediums of television and digital computer renderings. This has kept my mind sharp and my finger on the pulse of the nation! I’m more with it and ‘down with the kids’ than almost all members of parliament! I am only down with the kids in the sense that I watch a lot of big cook, little cook and old tapes of Playbus. I will not watch Paw Patrol! It’s too modern!! Same goes for that Peppa Pig bullshit!
I would like to apply for your job ‘Consulting Practice Director’ as advertised on the internet. I adore film; all genres of cinema keep me entertained. I like world cinema like around the world in 80 days (Jackie Chan is superb in that), I like art films such as The Brave Little Toaster, I know some people frown upon cartoons, but it’s drawn or painted therefor it is art!
I think we are seeing a real renaissance in cinema at the moment, the quality of film and the wide variety of subject matter on show lately is a vast broad spectrum. Just think of the top earners there are films like Captain America 3, or Ant Man, or Thor 3, or Jurassic World (Jurassic Park 4) The Justice League (essentially Superman 3) the sixth Spiderman film, Wonder Woman and Black Panther. A Dazzling array of topics, biopics and myopics. Therefore, as you can see I have huge knowledge of film and cinema, which would make me well good for your job as Director. I cannot and will not watch a film with subtitles! You should not read films! If I wanted to read something, I would buy a Beano!
I’m not entirely sure what a ‘consulting practice director’ does, but I assume he (me) talks with other directors about their films and give them advice on how to best motivate their actors to do their scenes, my best answer would be to get them drunk. Nude scene? Do it drunk, everyone likes to get their bum out when they’re boozed up. Emotional scene with tears and all that? Do it drunk, everyone gets weepy on the fifth bottle of wine! Scary stunt driving? Do it drunk, not so scary anymore!
I have made a few short films in my life, all of which have been very very well received by their audience. Dad really loved my film about ageing. Its themes were of ghosts of the past talking to possible ghosts of the future, loss, love. Themes of neglect, fear, hope. Themes of the fracturing of the generations in an increasingly disparate society. It also used the theme from Jaws. It was called “The Fallen” in which I had made a montage of all the times I’ve caught on camera my father falling over or slipping, all played in slow motion, while I narrate over the images, talking about his life and which crisps are no longer with us.
Act nine, scene nineteen, a shot of when Dad slipped over trying to make a snowman in the yard while some classical music is played, in the voice over I said in a slow and sombre voice “Life, that’s the name of the game, and I want to play the game with you. Life, can be terribly tame, if you don’t play the game with two. ”. The two being Dad and the snowman, which as Dad falls, he grabs for it’s head and the snowman crumbles to death. It still brings a tear to my eye even now!
I like that you’re trying to grow your rapid divisions in Europe. The business market in Europe is booming and I can’t see any possible reason why this may change. I’d be more than happy to go on any and all business trips in Europe. I have been to France, Italy, Germany and Spain. I can’t speak the languages but know a few places to get a nice lunch if we’re in the places I went on holiday. Actually, you’d probably want me to do a coffee run. I don’t really drink coffee, it makes me poo more than I would like. If I got the job I would have to insist that any drinks we had in meetings would be either tea or Pepsi Max. Water at a push! On the subject of meetings, if we do have a lot of meetings, could we get mini muffins? Mum got me some for my birthday once and they were lovely, I could fit three in my mouth at once. NO RASINS!!
You ask for experience ideally in “providing Consulting Products to Financial Services, Capital Markets / Asset Managment sectors” (you spelled ‘Managment’ wrong btw) I don’t have any experience in any of this! Is this going to be a problem? Google is pretty good at providing answers these days. I mean I don’t want to put myself out of a job already but I bet most of the things I’d need to know, I could just google (other search engines are available, but honestly, who uses them? Outside of TV or in a film, does anyone actually use Bing? Do they heckerslike!)
You ask which sector I come from “performance, strategy, compensation, reward, benefits or other sector” I would say I come from both the ‘benefits’ and ‘other’ sectors. I have been on the dole since 2002 but I mostly get disability now because of ‘that smell’. You talk in your advert about a ‘bottom line’. My bottom line is massive! If it’s bottom lines you’re looking for then, like Micael Jackson says ‘this is it!’ If you picture Queen Victoria towards the end of her life, she was a big lady, buxom yes, buxom and big. My bottom line is probably comparable to hers. Obviously not as regal! I look a bit like a young Brian Blessed but without the beard or ability to speak loudly. If I were to direct, I’d need one of those old timey megaphone/cone things they always have in 1930’s style films.
I see you put “ If you wish to find out more about this extremely exciting possibility to move forwards in a market leader with enormous plans and potential for growth in 2015” I can only infer from this that you’d been advertising this job since 2015. That’s 3 years ago, your search is now over! You have found your ideal candidate. I’m Ruth Badger to your Sir Alan Lord Sugar! Your Candice from that BBC Baking show. Badger to your Bodger. Paul to your Barry Chuckle. Ball to your cannon. Bobby to your Davro!
Listen, I may not know what half the words in your advert mean. I’m not sure what a practice is or how you grow one, but I’ve got get-up-and-go. Get up and go and spunk. Lot’s of spunk! Plucky get up and go spunk! Plucky spunk that is getting up and going! I will apply myself really hard, I’ll start at nine o clock sharp and work all the way through till 5pm, but I’ve got to be home by half five as mum has tea on the table (knee trays while we watch cheers on DVD) and she will start without me! I like cheers, it’s just got to where Kirsty Alley comes in. She does look young and not a little saucy. Though she doesn’t now. She seems to have gone the way all older woman do who try to fight the fact they’re ageing and tart themselves up with makeup and all the face drugs. No one thinks the frozen slightly startled, un-moving, tight skinned, overly made up look is pleasing to look at, you’re fooling no one, more often than not, you look like you’re recovering from a stroke! Grow old with some dignity. Dame Thora Hrid didn’t mess around with her face and she was a delight till the day she died! Actually I’ve just looked at pictures of Kirsty Alley as of now (2018) and she’s alright. I think I was thinking of someone else. Maybe Pete Burns, I always get those two mixed up!
Now your job advert says ‘the compensation is huge, £140-175k + Bonus and benefits’. I don’t know what the bonus’s and benefits would be but I have a few things I would demand from the job
- Home before 5:30 (4pm on Fridays)
- My own shelf in the company fridge
- At least two cups for tea that no one is allowed to borrow
- At least 2 weeks holiday a year
- The use of a company pen
- Business cards (vista print do a few cheap deals so It won’t be too expensive)
- Ideally an hour for lunch, 45 minutes minimum!
- I’d like to be paid every two weeks as this is how I normally get my dole money so it’s just what I’m used to.
- If there are company meals out (at Christmas for example), I do not want to have to have a salad.
- My work booth to not be near a draught
- I won’t stay in the same room as a tomato
To sum up, look, I may not know much about being a Consulting Practice Director, what one actually does, how one does it, why one does it or if they will ever get to meet the queen. But I’d really like to give it a go. What do you have to lose? I’m putting it all on the line here, my bottom line, I am hard working, I can work by myself or as part of a team (so long as the team don’t have very good senses of smell) and I’m willing to learn new things. I think I’d be good. I have two ties and could buy a third one if that would sway things! If you want to see me for an interview I do not drive and don’t have any money to get a train so could you come to me? My mum makes a lovely cup of tea and she’d give us the front room for half an hour, though if it goes on any longer then we’d have to move things to my bedroom, not in a sexy way, it’s just mum likes to sit in her chair a lot, she is over 70!
If you hire me, you’ll be getting someone who can bring a fresh perspective in directing. I am currently re watching all the carry on films, so I could easily direct a new one of those.
Give me a chance, please!!
Paul Thax GSCE GNVQ (int)