Letter to Bic Razor
Good morning to you, I hope this communication finds you well. May I begin this email by saying that the following comments are of course not aimed directly at you, the poor customer service rep who has to deal with such matters.
I am a man of not very many means, I don’t make b’trillions of English pounds, I hardly make enough to makes my ends meet or ends meat. This month, due to a holiday meant that my pittance of a wage was paid a week early, thus meaning I have 5 weeks between wages. The cause of this means I have to spread what little money I have over a long period, I’ve had to forgot certain luxuries, for example I’ve had to cut back on topping my olive loafs with gold leaf, I haven’t been able to buy this month’s copy of collars and cuffs magazine (about shirts, it’s nothing blue), I’ve cut right back on the Smaptons and I’ve all but stopped the helicopter lessons. It was only a small remote control helicopter that a friends son was teaching me how to fly, but still it was £7 an month.
Also I’ve not been able to buy the Mach 3 ultra-turbo razors I normally use. I don’t grow vast quantities of facial hair, I can go a week without needing to shave, but this month I needed to shave, I was going to a funeral for an enemy of the family (we’ve had a three generation long rivalry between the Coleswells, because Pearl Coleswell in 1913 accused my great grandfather of being from Norfolk, thus a bitter hatred was born, but we have a mutual respect for each other so when Bernard died (of natural causes), I felt it only honourable that we attend his funeral and pay our respects) I needed a clean shaven look. But I couldn’t afford my usual razors, so I bought a bag of 10 single use Bic razors. The morning of the funeral I set about shaving the 2 – 4 mm of beard hair from my lower face and chins.
My shaving technique is perfection, I lather up using the wettest water Yorkshire can supply, apply conditioner to my powerful man face so the hairs are soft, supple and full of volume, I then spread on an even layer of shaving cream foam, I then use the razor and go with the grain of my face fur, not applying too much pressure to ‘raze’ the hair away. This is a technique that has stood me in good stead for many a year. But using your single bladed Bic razor, I knew something was wrong! The facial hair was certainly coming away but so was something else, my facial skin was also being slightly shaved off! I reduced the pressure but this meant that the razor wasn’t shaving my hairs off, so I increased the pressure. I couldn’t find a balance betwixt applying too much pressure and scraping the skin of my chins or not enough and just removing the shaving foam cream.
At the end of the shave I looked like I’d gone 10 rounds with some very angry Lilliputlians. My face was covered in tiny bleeding dots. Within seconds of washing the remaining shaving cream off, there were bloody trail marks all down my face, I looked like something from one of the horror films! I tried to stem the flow using dots of toilet tissue, but there was too much blood. I held a towel to my chins and after five minutes all was well. It stung very badly but the bleeding had stopped. I applied aftershave, but only behind my ears, I’m not Macaulay Culkin, the young house bound child.
I went to Bernard’s funeral and during the hymn ‘Morning has broken’ my chins began bleeding again, my son thought one of the Colewells had slit my throat and he screamed at Colbert Coleswell, Colbert (who is a qualified masseuse) jumped at me, but not to punch his enemy when he saw him weak, no he jumped at me and held a hankie to my neck, he didn’t take a second to think for himself or any blood diseases I might have, it could have been Ebola for all he knew. But no, he jumped at me and stopped the bleeding and stayed with me till I felt better. This senseless and honourable act united our families and ended the three generations long feud! We all went to the wake and made our peace not only with the deceased, but with the Coleswell’s.
So I thank you for making cheap plasticy razors that take a layer of skin off along with facial hair!
All my love