Old man in Skyrim – Part 15

The Premise
Skyrim is a vast sprawling game, you can pretty much do anything you want, so I decided to live in Skyrim, to see how an old man coped with the harsh environment and bizarre folk that inhabit this land. This is my tale!

The Rules
80 year old man in Skyrim.
Only doing what an average 80 year old can do.
No constantly running, using shouts (special powerful magics), magic or fast travel.
No murder or stealing or anything unethical, should always try to run away from a fight.
Read part fourteen here – https://radiothax.com/the-old-man-in-skyrim-adventures/old-man-in-skyrim-part-14/

Previously on ‘An old man in Skyrim’

Cecil Had made it to Riften and found a church which gave him an amulet which showed all potential ladies that he was single and wanted to take a wife.

The story continues….

If I’m to go a wooing then I think my whole appearance needs a face life, not just my clothes, but my face too, it’s frightfully saggy! I imagine there are people willing to cut my face up, but far fewer who would be willing to stitch it back together again to make me look 10 years younger. No, my face can stay old but my garments can be changed to something far more sensual! Something low cut to show off my chest and tight enough to snuggly house my old man buttocks!

So a trip to the tailor is required, but a house of fine garments and cloth is no place for a dirty mutt who might wee on some fine leather, so for the first time ever, I order Meeko not to follow me and stay put in the room at the inn, and like the well trained hound he is, he sits down and starts sniffing his bum!

Sit Meeko sit, Good dog
Sit Meeko sit, Good dog

I walk around the town for quite some time before I realise that maybe this town isn’t the upmarket cultural hub I thought it was, none of the shops sell fancy garments, certainly no formal dress wear, only armour!

It’s half past 5 before I decide to give in and buy some semi fancy armour, the one I go for has studs on as it’s subliminal messaging, ladies will see the studs, think “stud” and associate me with studs, thus they will think I’m a stud! I cannot fail!

It's all signals!
It’s all signals!

This is how I now look, as handsome as any man in pointy leather clothes. As soon as I parade around town ladies start to gaze in my direction! Nothing screams sexy like bear arms apparently! I pop on my amulet of marriage and see if I can woo any maidens out of their bras. First stop, bar skanks!

This one is not happy to see me!


Typical woman!
Typical woman!

Despite my very best efforts to woo these beautiful ladies of Riften, I find the task quite hard, and but quite hard I mean impossible! I don’t know what it is about me, maybe I’m too sexy for this armour, maybe it’s my fancy hat or wrinkled old man face, but every woman I speak to seems angry at me, they hardly want to talk to me let alone even contemplate the idea of spending the rest of our lives together, which given how old I am, won’t be that long! I don’t want to sound sexist but what a bunch of fridged moo cows!

The constant rejection is getting to me so I decide to go back to the inn, however I get a bit turned around in the odd streets of Riften and find myself at a big castle, I would like to live in a castle! I try my luck chatting up the ladies dwelling within, firstly I talk to this woman who instantly starts talking pure poppycock!

A fine experimentation, I'm sure!
A fine experimentation, I’m sure!

I thought things were going quite well but in the end she just asks me to go on some dangerous quest for some science mumbo jumbo, I get bored by her ramblings and start looking around the room while she waffles on, behind her there is a very rich looking woman so as is my want I walk away from the science lady while she’s in mid-sentence! I try chatting to the rich looking woman; unsurprisingly she wants nothing to do with me! Not even the serving wench is interested in me!

Dejected and rejected I head back to the inn to see how much ale I can drink before I can’t stand up anymore. It’s 14 bottles!

A new day dawns, I sleep in till mid-day then my quest is to talk to every single (or married) woman in this god forsaken town begins! By five o clock I realise that not one of them wants a chunk of Cecil pie. So I swear I shall leave Riften for ever, it’s not the exotic raunchy place it looked on the map! I walk out of the main gates and hire the horse and cart man to drive me away as quickly as possible!

Take me to new and erotic lands!
Take me to new and erotic lands!

Of all the places I’ve been I can only remember Whiterun having a couple of ladies who gave me the time of day, so maybe one of them will marry me. By the time I get there it’s midnight, it doesn’t look as inviting as I remember!

Oh moody! Like all ladies!
Oh moody! Like all ladies!

After a sleep in the inn, I get up relatively early and again speak to every woman I can find in the town. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, I have this damn amulet on which apparently shows I want a wife. My clothes are of the finest quality; my face is welcoming and old. I talk to every woman here and accidently agree to do quests for several of them, I’d pretend to do anything to get a wife, and I assume the woman would own her own house too, I realise my chances of getting wed are rapidly dwindling!

My last option is to go back to my home town of solitude and try my luck with the woman of the bards college. Surely if any woman’s going to want me it’s my fellow barding chums!

I take the cart back to Solitude and back to the massive and steep hill, my ankles are once again not happy!

My friend of Solitude!
My friend of Solitude!

I enter the bards collage; it’s gone beyond a joke this! 20 minutes later and I’ve been rejected by every woman there, most won’t even engage me in conversation, let alone marriage!

Screw it, I’m in solitude and it would seem that’s a state I am going to remain in for the rest of my life! Who wants a stupid wife, with their companionship and homely ways!

Grumpy cow sack!
Grumpy cow sack!

I wander round solitude for the afternoon, picking flowers and herbs for old times sake, and also to make some money, these clothes and amulet have almost decimated my gold collection.

I need to make some more money and as I’m near my old work place (the water mill) I decide to take a quick walk back down there to earn some money for a stay at the inn.

I start to walk towards the water mill when I remember the small town of Dragon Bridge, the place where 2 vicious mud crabs killed a man and a woman, there were other people there, I’m going to give it one very last shot at finding a wife!

As I walk the short road to Dragon Bridge, I happen upon this familiar looking pair, a guard and a noble man on horseback, I’m sure it’s the same ones I met just outside the bandit camp, I guess he and his guard reunited and are travelling the roads again, just a noble man and his trusty guard, two chaps on the road together getting up to all kinds of shenanigans!

Horseback mountain
Horseback mountain

I reach Dragon Bridge, it’s been several months since I was last here and the slaughter by the mud crabs, but this faithful dog is still sat by the corpse of his dead master, whimpering for his lost companion. That’s when it hits me, I’ve left Meeko in Riften! He is safe in the inn so there’s no need to rush back to him quite yet, I hope the bar wench is giving him some snacks!

Don't eat his corpse!
Don’t eat his corpse!

The area I’m in is fairly safe, so I decide to walk back to the bandit camp to see if there was any of the loot I left still there, I figure I can sell it also none of the women here want to talk to me either!

I set off to the bandit camp, I come across another old friend, the graffitied cow and its giant owner, I keep my distance, I give the giant a nod and he doesn’t pound me hard into the ground.

Don't mention the farmer!
Don’t mention the farmer!

I get to the bandit camp and all my stuff has gone, it’s my own fault for just leaving it on a table! I decide to head back to Whiterun but do so by going via the woman in the fishing hut just in case she is feeling frisky and wants a quick roll in the hay.

She does not!

She want's to be left alone!
She want’s to be left alone!

I continue on the path, then I’m attacked by two wolves, with no Meeko to protect me I thought I was a goner but I pull out my bow and manage to kill the wolves before they even bite me. Maybe I didn’t need Meeko after all!

With a skip in my step and a feeling of invincibly and manliness I go about picking all the flowers and herbs I can find, I am in a revelry. I might not have a wife but I can protect myself and back home I have Meeko, and he’s all the companionship I need, I can’t wait to get back to the Inn and see his big slobbery face, I’ll give him a big hug and buy us both a goat leg and as much mead as we can drink! Meeko and me for ever, we’ll save up and buy a house together and live out our days hunting rabbits and taking in the cool Skyrim air!

Or that’s what I thought, I wasn’t paying attention, I’d gotten sloppy, I was so caught up in picking flowers and thinking about my future that I didn’t think about my present and the dangerous world I was in.

Out of nowhere I felt an intense pain in my side, what caused it, where had it come from? I look round to see the biggest bear in the world swiping at me with its giant paws, I panic, I foolishly try to shoot it with my bow, the arrow hits it in the face yet it still comes charging and swiping at me, it takes a chunk out of my side, I run, I look for somewhere to escape to, the only place is a deep river, my only option is to jump in. I dive in. The current carries me over to a tiny island, I pull out my bow and shoot at the bear, the bear is not affected by the rapid flowing river and it charges me, I try to get another shot in but my arrow catches in the bow and forces me to accidently fire the arrow in the ground to my right, as I spin round to see where my arrow has gone the bear pounces on me, pummelling me with its powerful paws.

I don’t’ have time to think or act, the bear has shattered my back! I spin round, my back is broken, blood pouring from the gash, my sight goes dim. This is the end for me, I’ve had a long life, it’s certainly been eventful. I fall to the ground, my last thoughts are of Meeko, alone in the inn, forever waiting for a master to come home, but a master that never will!

My vision goes dim, the last thing I hear is the rushing sound of water, the rest is silence!

The End


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