The Egyptians

The Egyptians

The Egyptians were a race of people who lived 2389 BC to 4AD primarily in the Egyptian part of the world, which is a hot arid region somewhere in the bit of the world that might be a bit scary to go to because it’s different from where you live and you’re not sure if it’s one of those terroristy kind of places, which is quite racist of you to think, go there, you’ll be fine and have a lovely time.

Over many years there were hundreds of rulers of the Egyptian people, many of whom were called something like Ichcambar. The most famous ruler of Egypt was Cleopatra who became king by being the most prettiest woman they had ever seen.

Egypt is probably most famous for their pioneering work on triangle based architecture which will be discussed in depth later on in this article.

Egyptians are often linked with stories of other worldly creatures visiting them and this can be proven by the televisual documentaries of ‘Stargate’ which prove that the Egyptians would use round wormhole based portal technology to travel to distant planets, this mostly resulted in absolutely nothing of interest to anyone but a small group of people who had poor social skills, these people usually lived with their parents, they would collect small figurines of characters from the entertainment of the time, and not talk to a female without nearly fainting or secreting their body weight in sweat, these are a kind, fair and noble people and should be looked upon with reverence and humility for they are truly gods (and goddesses) among men (or woman).

We can’t prove that alien life visited the Egyptian people and put symbiotic parasites that controlled their host but it is scientific fact that this happened. Now let’s not get bogged down in the fact that at the end of the Stargate ‘film’ the main naughty person turns into what would be classically called a ‘grey’ alien yet in the television documentary the ‘grey’ aliens are called Asgards and are generally of force for good, the truth is I don’t know why that happened and it’s probably best we don’t think too hard about it! Also don’t get the Asgard people confused with Asgards where Thor lives. The whole thing is a quagmire of confusion!

Cleopatra

Cleopatra was 17 when the people of Egypt made her a lady king, she had won Miss Egypt seven years in a row and it just made good business sense to have a ruler that was attractive. She had pioneered the method of having thick black eye makeup and this gave her a haunting quality which at the time was unrivalled by any woman. She was in power for a good 25 years and only stopped being in power because she grew tired of it so being the right grump cow she was she let a snake bite her on the bosom and died. She left her only son Julius Caesar who went on to live in Rome and called people brutes for eating two things.

A typical day for a standard Egyptian

The Egyptians were a proud and noble race, who would often spend many hours a day toiling in fields or building stone based buildings. However how an Egyptian would spend their day was determined on what their job was, there were four main types of people in Egypt

  • Slave
  • Slave master
  • Slave master master
  • Slave master master master

Slaves were treated as well as any slave of that day, there were regular beating, meetings and bleatings. They worked under very harsh conditions, some of them didn’t live past 11 or 12, though most of them made it to tea time!

The slave masters sometimes weren’t masters of slaves at all, they just had a normal day job like plumbing or working at the university.

The slave master masters would sit on those sofas without a back and just eat grapes.

I have no idea what slave master master masters did or if they even existed, if they did they were probably ninjas or something!

Religion

Egyptians worshiped many different gods, gods of the air, land and seas. There was a different god for every occasions.

  • Ismimotep: the god of knocking cups over
  • Timtimatim: the god of the stubbed toe
  • Bebo: the god of outdated social interactions

If there wasn’t a god for any given situation then a new one would be invented and worshipped, their worship would involve the human putting their arms out to the side, and bending their arms at a 90 degree angle and doing a kind of odd head and arm dance, which is where the song ‘Walk like an Egyptian by The Bangles’ came from!

The main god in Egyptian times was Ragh the Sun god, or basically they worshiped the sun, because it was always hot in Egypt and as the sun gave them everything they needed to live, apart from water, TV or potatos, they thought it best that they worship it, because if there’s one thing massive burning balls of chemicals need to continue being massive balls of burning chemicals, it’s humans flailing themselves around millions of miles away.

The Pyramids

Over the years many people have wondered how the pyramids were built, the simple answer is slaves, thousands and thousands of slaves. ‘But how could humans build such buildings with the technology at the time?’ again the answer is slaves hundreds of thousands of slaves! ‘But how did they know to build them in the shape that is similar to constellations of some stars?’ because people looked up and used their eyes and brains to think it would be nice. Also as I’ve mentioned, stargates!

The pyramids usually refer to the three pyramids in Giza in the valley of the kings, however there are many more pyramids about. But those three are the most famous, they are the building equivalent of the three stooges. There is little that hasn’t been written about these three pyramids, however the single Pyramid of Achiball is far more interesting than these, if the pyramids of Giza are the three stooges then the pyramid of Achiball is Charlie Chaplin.

The pyramid of Achiball is a scientific mystery because to this day it remains as pristine as the day it was built, the bright white marble hasn’t been stripped off the outside, the front door still works with its stone based clockwork door system. The booby traps, while all also made out of stone, are nowhere near as deadly as any other, in fact they are more jokes as they don’t try and kill you but rather several tickle you and one will kiss you using the pretend face of Cleopatra the 4th. Once inside the Pyramid, there isn’t a burial chamber or anywhere for slaves to be beaten, but just a nice sitting area and place to buy low price but high quality handbags. Perhaps the most interesting thing about the pyramid of Achiball is that instead of being a pyramid shape, it’s actually rectangle shaped, some argue this means it’s not a pyramid, but it is, it is!

Egyptian fun facts

  • Egypt has several other names such as Triangle town, Sandy settlement and Washington D.C
  • Everyone in Egypt really loved cats, they put their likeness on everything to try and win some form of admiration from the cats, but the cat’s didn’t give a shit and remain aloof to this day!
  • Camels were invented in Egypt then a horse mated with a really ugly giraffe
  • Egyptians didn’t let the dogs out

The Egyptians

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