Category: Comedy

Application for position of Consulting Practice Director

Hello Dear blog reader, I, Paul Thax have been tasked with bringing in some money to the house. So I’m aiming high and being a go getting jet setter. I have applied for the job below, read my application.

Application for the position of “Consulting Practice Director – superb comp – £150-£300k pack 

Our leading Financial Services Consulting firm require a Consulting Practice Director to lead one of their rapidly growing Divisions in Europe – you may be a practice lead, or team lead or senior manager/manager in consulting at the moment. 

You will have experience ideally in providing Consulting Products to Financial Services, Capital Markets / Asset Managment sectors – you may come from a performance, strategy, compensation, reward, benefits or other sector which is similar – bottom line is you must have experience of running a Practice, be superb at growing a Consulting firm (not necessarily only in FS, but ideally) and as such selling Consulting services and products. 

If you wish to find out more about this extremely exciting possibility to move forwards in a market leader with enormous plans and potential for growth in 2015 then please apply on the button. 

Compensation is huge – base salary expected £140-£175k + bonus + benefits – total pack £200k-£250k – this is a huge opportunity for a Consulting professional. 

Apply on the button if this fits your skills and wish to have a conversation – we will call you right back to talk further – this role is ConsultRPM and we look forward to hearing from you.”

 

Dear Sir or Madame

Hello, I am writing you this letter on ‘spec’ as they say. I am not entirely sure what ‘spec’ means, I think its short for ‘Spectrum’ like the old computer from the 1980’s the ZX Spectrum. However, I am writing it on a windows based computer. I don’t know which version of Windows it is that I am using, I do not know if this will affect my chances at all. So I am writing you this letter on ‘Win’ and this letter is a winner!!

I am a person who has a father who has ordered him (me) to “get off your (mine) arse (bum) and go and get yourself (myself) a job”. He was really shouting and he went bright red so I could tell he meant it.

I have not attached my CV to this submission because it would be detrimental to my application. Let’s just say, I went to a school, sat all the GCSE’s and technically didn’t fail any of them. I then went on to college where I undertook some training for a period of time, which then ended, in 2001. Since then I have kept myself busy by consuming as much entertainment as possible both in the mediums of television and digital computer renderings.  This has kept my mind sharp and my finger on the pulse of the nation! I’m more with it and ‘down with the kids’ than almost all members of parliament! I am only down with the kids in the sense that I watch a lot of big cook, little cook and old tapes of Playbus. I will not watch Paw Patrol! It’s too modern!! Same goes for that Peppa Pig bullshit!

I would like to apply for your job ‘Consulting Practice Director’ as advertised on the internet. I adore film; all genres of cinema keep me entertained. I like world cinema like around the world in 80 days (Jackie Chan is superb in that), I like art films such as The Brave Little Toaster, I know some people frown upon cartoons, but it’s drawn or painted therefor it is art!

I think we are seeing a real renaissance in cinema at the moment, the quality of film and the wide variety of subject matter on show lately is a vast broad spectrum. Just think of the top earners there are films like Captain America 3, or Ant Man, or Thor 3, or Jurassic World (Jurassic Park 4) The Justice League (essentially Superman 3) the sixth Spiderman film, Wonder Woman and Black Panther. A Dazzling array of topics, biopics and myopics. Therefore, as you can see I have huge knowledge of film and cinema, which would make me well good for your job as Director. I cannot and will not watch a film with subtitles! You should not read films! If I wanted to read something, I would buy a Beano!

I’m not entirely sure what a ‘consulting practice director’ does, but I assume he (me) talks with other directors about their films and give them advice on how to best motivate their actors to do their scenes, my best answer would be to get them drunk. Nude scene? Do it drunk, everyone likes to get their bum out when they’re boozed up. Emotional scene with tears and all that? Do it drunk, everyone gets weepy on the fifth bottle of wine! Scary stunt driving? Do it drunk, not so scary anymore!

I have made a few short films in my life, all of which have been very very well received by their audience. Dad really loved my film about ageing. Its themes were of ghosts of the past talking to possible ghosts of the future, loss, love. Themes of neglect, fear, hope. Themes of the fracturing of the generations in an increasingly disparate society. It also used the theme from Jaws. It was called “The Fallen” in which I had made a montage of all the times I’ve caught on camera my father falling over or slipping, all played in slow motion, while I narrate over the images, talking about his life and which crisps are no longer with us.

Act nine, scene nineteen, a shot of when Dad slipped over trying to make a snowman in the yard while some classical music is played, in the voice over I said in a slow and sombre voice “Life, that’s the name of the game, and I want to play the game with you. Life, can be terribly tame, if you don’t play the game with two. ”. The two being Dad and the snowman, which as Dad falls, he grabs for it’s head and the snowman crumbles to death. It still brings a tear to my eye even now!

I like that you’re trying to grow your rapid divisions in Europe. The business market in Europe is booming and I can’t see any possible reason why this may change. I’d be more than happy to go on any and all business trips in Europe. I have been to France, Italy, Germany and Spain. I can’t speak the languages but know a few places to get a nice lunch if we’re in the places I went on holiday. Actually, you’d probably want me to do a coffee run. I don’t really drink coffee, it makes me poo more than I would like. If I got the job I would have to insist that any drinks we had in meetings would be either tea or Pepsi Max. Water at a push! On the subject of meetings, if we do have a lot of meetings, could we get mini muffins? Mum got me some for my birthday once and they were lovely, I could fit three in my mouth at once. NO RASINS!!

You ask for experience ideally in “providing Consulting Products to Financial Services, Capital Markets / Asset Managment sectors” (you spelled ‘Managment’ wrong btw)  I don’t have any experience in any of this! Is this going to be a problem? Google is pretty good at providing answers these days. I mean I don’t want to put myself out of a job already but I bet most of the things I’d need to know, I could just google (other search engines are available, but honestly, who uses them? Outside of TV or in a film, does anyone actually use Bing? Do they heckerslike!)

You ask which sector I come from “performance, strategy, compensation, reward, benefits or other sector” I would say I come from both the ‘benefits’ and ‘other’ sectors. I have been on the dole since 2002 but I mostly get disability now because of ‘that smell’. You talk in your advert about a ‘bottom line’. My bottom line is massive! If it’s bottom lines you’re looking for then, like Micael Jackson says  ‘this is it!’ If you picture Queen Victoria towards the end of her life, she was a big lady, buxom yes, buxom and big. My bottom line is probably comparable to hers. Obviously not as regal! I look a bit like a young Brian Blessed but without the beard or ability to speak loudly. If I were to direct, I’d need one of those old timey megaphone/cone things they always have in 1930’s style films.

I see you put “ If you wish to find out more about this extremely exciting possibility to move forwards in a market leader with enormous plans and potential for growth in 2015” I can only infer from this that you’d been advertising this job since 2015. That’s 3 years ago, your search is now over! You have found your ideal candidate. I’m Ruth Badger to your Sir Alan Lord Sugar! Your Candice from that BBC Baking show. Badger to your Bodger. Paul to your Barry Chuckle. Ball to your cannon. Bobby to your Davro!

Listen, I may not know what half the words in your advert mean. I’m not sure what a practice is or how you grow one, but I’ve got get-up-and-go. Get up and go and spunk. Lot’s of spunk! Plucky get up and go spunk! Plucky spunk that is getting up and going! I will apply myself really hard, I’ll start at nine o clock sharp and work all the way through till 5pm, but I’ve got to be home by half five as mum has tea on the table (knee trays while we watch cheers on DVD) and she will start without me! I like cheers, it’s just got to where Kirsty Alley comes in. She does look young and not a little saucy. Though she doesn’t now. She seems to have gone the way all older woman do who try to fight the fact they’re ageing and tart themselves up with makeup and all the face drugs. No one thinks the frozen slightly startled, un-moving, tight skinned, overly made up look is pleasing to look at, you’re fooling no one, more often than not, you look like you’re recovering from a stroke! Grow old with some dignity. Dame Thora Hrid didn’t mess around with her face and she was a delight till the day she died! Actually I’ve just looked at pictures of Kirsty Alley as of now (2018) and she’s alright. I think I was thinking of someone else. Maybe Pete Burns, I always get those two mixed up!

Now your job advert says ‘the compensation is huge, £140-175k + Bonus and benefits’. I don’t know what the bonus’s and benefits would be but I have a few things I would demand from the job

  • Home before 5:30 (4pm on Fridays)
  • My own shelf in the company fridge
  • At least two cups for tea that no one is allowed to borrow
  • At least 2 weeks holiday a year
  • The use of a company pen
  • Business cards (vista print do a few cheap deals so It won’t be too expensive)
  • Ideally an hour for lunch, 45 minutes minimum!
  • I’d like to be paid every two weeks as this is how I normally get my dole money so it’s just what I’m used to.
  • If there are company meals out (at Christmas for example), I do not want to have to have a salad.
  • My work booth to not be near a draught
  • I won’t stay in the same room as a tomato

 

To sum up, look, I may not know much about being a Consulting Practice Director, what one actually does, how one does it, why one does it or if they will ever get to meet the queen. But I’d really like to give it a go. What do you have to lose? I’m putting it all on the line here, my bottom line, I am hard working, I can work by myself or as part of a team (so long as the team don’t have very good senses of smell) and I’m willing to learn new things. I think I’d be good. I have two ties and could buy a third one if that would sway things! If you want to see me for an interview I do not drive and don’t have any money to get a train so could you come to me? My mum makes a lovely cup of tea and she’d give us the front room for half an hour, though if it goes on any longer then we’d have to move things to my bedroom, not in a sexy way, it’s just mum likes to sit in her chair a lot, she is over 70!

If you hire me, you’ll be getting someone who can bring a fresh perspective in directing. I am currently re watching all the carry on films, so I could easily direct a new one of those.

Give me a chance, please!!

 

Paul Thax GSCE GNVQ (int)

The 9 wives of Sir Jeremy Creame – Part 1

The 9 wives of Sir Jeremy Creame

A delightful evening to you. Allow me the delight of introducing myself, I am Sir Jeremy Reginald Bibbington Creame the third. I live in a very large mansion; you have probably seen it on your television. We had the antiques roadshow here in the mid 90’s, I have a sneaking suspicion Hugh Scully stole my mother’s bathing suit, but I can’t prove it! The house and estates are known simply as ‘Creame Country’, is 5004 acres (4 acres more than my nemesis, the Marquis of Bath’s land). It’s been in my family for longer than I can remember; luckily the family historians can date the land back to 3AD. Over the years there have been many attempting to get onto the grounds, but I won’t let them, we have some of the best barb wire in the county! I am not letting the oiks onto my property. I’ve learnt my lesson from Mr Scully’s light fingers!

I am 57 years old. I own more money than I am rather fond of admitting on this document. Several accounts, investments and businesses, cleverly administered around the world make for a very weighty portfolio! But what is life if one cannot share the experience? Not a lot of jolly fun that’s what! Over the years I’ve had many lovers, not all of them one at a time. I once had merry japes at a naughty party with over 600 guests in a weekend, I’ll say no more than that!

I have had nine wives so far. A gentleman whom I sometimes meet with when I need technical computer advice has said I should write a memoir of them. So I have a record should any of my legitimate children wish to know more of their fathers opinion on the relationship; how we met, why we married and why I divorced them. If any of my illegitimate children wish to read of my marriages then I would kindly ask them to throw themselves under the nearest ocean liner for they are worthless to me and I would see them all stricken from existence. They won’t get a penny from me!

 

Wife 1

Name: Henrietta

First I would like to point out, I don’t know any of my wives maiden names. I am a very busy individual, there is information I need and information I simply have no time for. Most of the bally time I didn’t remember names, I only found out wives 4 and 5 names by looking at the wedding certificates. A little trick to never having to remember names is to be too important to care about the opinions of peons. If you absolutely have to remember someone’s name (potential business opportunity, royalty, parents (optional)) then try to think of a word which rhymes with their name then get your man servant to secretly pin a tiny picture of that object onto the subjects left shoulder. As you see here Clifton (my man servant) has pinned a tiny busy swan to her shoulder, busy=Little Lizzy! A flawless method! As a side note, that baby swan was my gift to Liz as an in joke because she ran out of toilet paper while I was taking afternoon elevensies with her last May day.

I digress. I was a young gentleman of 21, fresh out of Demontford University. I’d achieved my dream of a third in media. I had no plans to make use of the degree, but I thought it would be an easy course (it was) which I could coast through. I moved back into the family home, taking residence in the east wing. Father pressured me to join the forces but that sounded like a lot of ruddy hard work. I took a position at Lemons, a company owned by a friend of Fathers. My position was to oversee the marketing department. My time there was a blur, mostly because my first day there I met Henrietta. Yes she was my secretary so meeting her was inevitable.

Henrietta – The best secretary I had .

University wasn’t a kind time for me, sexually. I got nary a snifter of lady during my time away. Needless to say I was as horny as the 20 rhinos I’d shot on my summer safari. Henrietta was keen to climb the corporate ladder and if that meant she had to scale me to do it then she would and she did! The poor fool thought that sleeping with her young impressionable boss would get her places. The only place it got her was to my heart! I fell for her like the love drunk puppy I was. Father forbad the relationship, one simply should not mingle with a subordinate. Oh but mingle I did. I mingled all over fathers 15th century writing bureau on several occasions (with Henrietta not father).

I don’t know if it was the taboo of fathers rule or Henrietta’s insatiable appetite for pleasures of the flesh but I couldn’t say no to her. So when February 29th 1972 came, she asked me to marry her, I said yes. We were married 4 weeks later. The wedding was a small affair in a local village church. Henrietta’s family were poor, we didn’t let them come. Didn’t want the common folk stinking up the place with their Marks and Spencer off the shelf suits. My best man was Tabbal Clemons the CEO of Lemons. I’d never met the chap before that day. He seemed like an affable sort of fellow, very good friends with Father.

I was so nervous standing at the front of the church waiting for Henrietta. There was talk she wouldn’t come just because we hadn’t spoken for a month. There was a little falling out over my banning of her family. It just made sense for them not to come, or to see her, or set foot on the estate ever. She must have seen my way of thinking because she walked herself down the aisle bang on time. She cried her way through her vows, silly thing must have been so happy to be marrying me. The wedding took 23 minutes.

8 hours later Father was found in his study, he’d shot himself in the leg, stomach, heart and through the head twice. The entire estate passed to me! As of the 1st of April 1972 I was officially named Jeremy Creame Lord of all Creame Country. I began managing the estate, and with the added bonus of fathers £2 billion being transferred to me, I didn’t have to get my hands dirty. Oiks, peasents and commoners were (and still are) paid to tend to the land and estates. I was a (and still am) a strict lord, if we ever caught an oiks stealing from the estate they were beaten, locked in the barn for a week then sent on their way through the village, naked while the children throw rotten meat at them! A harsh punishment some say but its what father put me through as a child and it didn’t harm me any!

Henrietta and I gave up our jobs at Lemons, we spent our first two weeks traveling around Europe. She went to Paris and I went to Brandenburg. We both got home, exchanged traveling tales then I didn’t see her for a month as she got lost in the north wing. The first year of our marriage wasn’t a particularly happy one. We saw very little of each other, I recall she took a room of her own in the north wing, we rarely slept together. But I was still but a boy, I knew not the wily ways of women. I thought this was normal for a marriage. I’m told Mother and Father lived in separate cottages 98% of the year.

Henrietta and I had some good times together, on the 1st of February 1973 our first child was born.  Cuthbert Creame, 9 pounds 11 ounces. We had jolly fun interviewing nannies. Henrietta had always been a phenomenally cruel woman, her interview technique was brutal. It was a seven day and night nanny trial, we would hire dwarfs to pretend to be babies and pay them £50,000 if they did as we told them. Henrietta would tell them to keep these women awake all night, for the whole week. The dwarfs would cry, vomit and soil every item of clothing they were made to wear.  I haven’t seen a stack of nappy’s that big before or since. Of the 8 applicants, 2 are still in clinical care. In the end we found a lovely Italian nanny, she slapped the dwarfs until they were silenced and put to sleep.

My marriage to Henrietta didn’t last, 2 years to the day of our wedding she asked for a divorce, claiming I was distant and also sleeping with the nanny. Henrietta was found drunk, and dead behind the wheel of a car 8 hours late. As the proceeding court case proved I had absolutely nothing to do with her accident. DNA tests done in 1998 would also go to prove that Cuthbert was not my son. He was also found dead. I had nothing to do with the arsenic placed in his morning Spanish omelette he also fell out of that window on his own!

Wife 2 – coming soon (That’s got a bally rude double meaning!)

Film & TV Ideas

TV

Welcome to a fantastic list of new TV programs and movies that are currently in development in my mind. If you work for a TV production company and you steal these ideas I will punch a wall and regret all my life decision up to this point and very probably beyond!

Realty reality

In the vein of big brother, this has a house with hundreds of cameras in, filming every aspect of the inside of the house. Every second of every inch of the goings on of the house are recorded and showed in a nightly hour long program. ‘But it’s been done before’ I hear you scream. Yes it has, but the twist with realty reality is that no one lives in the house! It’s empty. The only thing you might see is a spider or fly going about its business! There are no lights on either so if something happens at night, you won’t see it!

People watch other people watching TV, the feckless idiots will watch this and lap it up like the reality whores they are!

It should air every night on ITV2. Hosted by anyone who’s been on Coronation street

Up the Duff

Another reality program where by the American film star ‘Hillary Duff’ undergoes several exploratory medical procedures. Endoscopies, colonoscopies ect. There’s nothing wrong with the woman, but her name is quite easy to pun.   The show also looks at other ways things can go ‘up the Duff’, such as how an army of ants might try to climb up her.

Other projects she could work on are

  • The Duffalo – a reworking of ‘The Gruffalo’ but with Hillary Duff as the titular character.
  • Getting Duff on crime – Hillary patrols with police who take a tough stance on criminals.
  • The Duff stuff – either a program about body building hence the tough/Duff pun or just a look at all the things Hillary Duff owns.
  • Are you Duff enough? – A self-examination show where Hillary Duff looks in the mirror and asks herself over and over ‘Are you Duff enough?’

Spiderman reboot

Why not make another one, there’s been like 4000 of the bloody things already. One more can’t hurt! Spiderman played by a woman this time for some reason! Should be 4 hours long and as dark and gritty as a tarmac sandwich.

Don’t drink alcoholic hand sanitiser

An infomercial on the dangers of drinking alcoholic hand sanitiser. I’ve just tried it and it tastes foul. Don’t try drinking it thinking it will taste like vodka or a cheap gin, it doesn’t!

To air every Friday night on channel four, narrated by David Hasslehoff.

Ghost Writer – Movie

Bimburt Smarttits (played by Jeff Goldblum or Whoopi Goldberg if he’s not available) is a down and out writer. He has one last amazing idea for a novel (something about an elephant that befriends a pirate, absolutely NOT a kid’s film). On his way home to write his first draft, he is run over by a truck carrying brand new computers. Due to lighting hitting the truck as he dies, his soul enters one of the computers.

The computer is eventually bought by Gary Ham (played by John Goodman if he’s still alive, Whoopi Goldberg if he’s not. If she’s playing the role of Bimburt then just do lots of split screen). Gary is also a writer but he has writers block.

Eventually the possessed computer writes the elephant/pirate film and Gary wins an Oscar for writing. A smiley face comes on the computer on the end shot.

This is either genius or utter shit! It’s a fine line!

An advert for Smaptons – Just lots of shots of Smaptons with their price at the end.

Mel and Su’s great British lake off

Mel Brooks and Su Pollard travel the country looking at all the lovely lakes the country has to offer. Then they strip off and get in the lakes and have a good swim about. Mel charts his penile shrinkage as a measure of the various lakes coldness. There could also be an element of romance if the couple hit it off.

If Mel Brooks can’t or won’t do it, ask Mel Gibson or Melvin Brag (if he’s alive, I can’t be bothered to check)

Should air on ITV 1 after 10pm, Ant or Dec (but NOT both) to narrate.

Dragons Den 2

Exactly the same business program as Dragons Den but with a 2 on the end of the title. Different business people bring their shit ideas in front of some snobbish millionaires who berate the business fools for having the gall to have an idea. Made just as revenge because the proper dragons tore me a new arse hole for going on with my idea for a new alarm clock that has a backwards snooze. The idea was that if you wake up 10 minutes or so earlier than your alarm is due to go off, you don’t want to be woken up if you managed to get back to sleep. So say your alarm is due to go off at 8am but you wake up at 7:50am; then you hit the backwards snooze which changes your alarm time from 8am to 8:10am. You can then decide to get up at 8:10 or hit regular snooze and have another 10 minutes before waking up at 8:20am! It’s just another option for a clock, there was no reason to humiliate me so badly. Dragon idiots.

Airs on ITV1 at 3pm, draw in the coffin dodgers. Hosted by Carol Thatcher!

Range of porn films based on classic films

Ben Hurr – Bend Her

Gone with the wind – Gone in the wind (pipe)

King Kong – King Thong/dong/long/prong

Citizen Kane – Titizan Kane

The dirty dozen – The dirty dozen

Rear window – Up the rear window

Mary Poppins – Mary Poopins

A fistful of dollars ect

These have all been my lovely film and TV ideas. If you like them then help me make them all a reality! If you don’t like them then piss off!

Rambling prattle

Hello

You may or may not have noticed that me or Cecil haven’t written a blog post in quite some time. There is a very good reason for this. We couldn’t find a pen! Since August 2015 our house has been void of a pen!

‘But your blog is digital and thus you wouldn’t need a pen to write on a computer’ I hear you scream.

Yes I realise that now, smart arse. But for some reason we thought we needed a pen to write a blog. I’m sure we wrote one out on paper once and scanned it in, but I might have dreamt that. Actually I must have dreamt that because after I scanned it Dame Thora Hird wriggled out from under the sofa with a cream cracker in her mouth, she came at me wanting me to eat it in a sexual way like in lady and the tramp with the spaghetti. I woke up before our lips touched and I had a great deal of my pillow in my mouth!

So why am I writing a blog post now? Well I’m not going to tell you now because I’m really hungry, I don’t know why I started writing this when it’s Bovril time. I shall be right back!

Hello again. It’s now 48 minutes later and after a Bovril frenzy I am ready to work my powerful fingers. So again, why am I writing a blog post now? Because we got a letter from a charity and it came with a tiny pen, which got me thinking ‘oh I probably should write a blog post now we have a pen’.

The other day I found my father self-harming! I don’t want to alarm anyone but what I saw has shocked and upset me greatly! He was sat in his arm chair not only watching but also laughing at ITV’s loose woman! I instantly burst into tears, I asked him why he was hurting himself in such a degrading way. He told me to shut up, he thought it was really insightful and the woman were funny and a little sexy. I left the room crying. He’s apparently a feminist now because there’s a chance his ex-wife might want to get back together with him. She’s horrible, I mean literally, her maiden name was ‘Horrible. But she’s also a nasty sack of grumpiness! She’s left Dad twice, once to live in Spain with Pedro and now she has been shacked up with Clive.

So it’s loose women every day and looking at pictures of kittens on an evening because he thinks that’s what it will take to win her back. Like she’s a prize, a booby prize maybe.

What else has happened since August? I had a nice ham sandwich in January. It had mustard in and some kind of strong cheese! Err what else? Hasn’t it been damp recently? Non stop rain for ages eh. Crazy weather!

What else, what else?

The new star wars was good!

Umm

I’ve taken to having an afternoon look out of the window, I don’t think I’ve left the house since Christmas! I have no call to the world holds nothing for me!

I sound quite downbeat, but I’m not. I’m not anything, just a big void of empty nothingness. I knew this would happen if Dad got back together with Mum. All my other ‘friends’ have abandoned me to their respective partners. Maybe I should look for a mate! Pah fat chance, the only women that look at me are the ones on tv and they don’t maintain eye contact. Maybe I’ll marry one of those love pillows! I bet even that would grow to resent me!

Gah I’m miserable, I’m going to get into the cheese cupboard!

It’s 58 minutes later, I’ve eaten all the cheese. I feel a lot better now, my dairy levels must have just gotten low!

I also had a genius idea and then went ahead and made it! I call it my potato waffle condiment smorgasbord. You get a potato waffle or 4 and fill with all the holes in it with condiments such as tomato, bbq, spicy, garlic, vinegar, brown sauce, mustard, marmite, mint, Worcestershire and salts and peppers (black and white). I ate it, it was as I imagined it would be; absolutely revolting!

I’m going to bed now, full and happier than before. Have a lovely day and remember ‘It’s not what you know but how sexy your bottom is!’

Human Ages

ages

The Human Ages

By Susan P Lampwick

There are 4 known ‘ages’ in history, they are

  • Stone
  • Iron
  • Dark
  • Old

There are more ages but for the purpose of this report I shall only claim there are 4. Though most of these ages break down in to sub sets of lesser ages, which in themselves have wide and varied ages inside them, these are also known as periods. These periods are often times of great upheaval or struggle. Which more often than not caused widespread panic, upset, violence and frequent moping about being a bit weepy.

An ‘age’ is any period in history where one specific item or way of living is more prevalent than anything else. For example we are currently living in the ‘playing on your phone or computer when you should be listening to me trying to talk to you, Thomas you bastard!’ age.

I shall now break down the ages into the separate ages so you can then read them and learn what I am trying to teach you.

The Stone Age

The Stone Age started before recorded time began, at our best guess we put this as early at somewhere between 1BC and 23492345923BC. We simply can’t be sure.

Before Jesus, before Noah, before Adam and Eve, before Adam and Steve, before just Adam on his own, before even Bruce Forsyth was born, there was Stone Age man. And also stone age woman. They were not Homosapians like you or I but rather Homoerectus, the most erotic of all the homos. As a people they were simple, they didn’t have the vast mental intellect we modern humans have. Their knowledge of fine dining was rudimentary at best. They didn’t know what compote was!

Their day to day life would consist of waking, having a small meal of berries and dried meats. They would then engage in social interactions with one another. Unlike you Thomas, they didn’t spend all morning on the phone with ‘clients’ or locked in their offices. I can hear you Skyping in there, you’re writing your memoirs, why are you always talking to people?!

Homoerectus would live in large groups mostly for protection but also because they were deeply social. Through advanced scientific investigates and blind guess work we have discovered that males and females would mate for life. For life Thomas, remember the vows on our wedding day?

The males would hunt for food during the day while the females would stay at home and prepare food and the evening’s entertainment. The entertainment at the time was highly rudimentary, they didn’t have the thrilling variety shows we have today. Of an evening the whole tribe would sit around a fire and show various rocks and stones that they’d found that day. Who ever found the best stone was crowned king (or queen) for the night and was allowed to lay on the big rock which was rolled around while the king (or queen) tried to stay atop it. This is where we get the term ‘rock and roll’ from.

Their food mostly consisted of fruits and meats, with the occasional bread cake or muffin. They never thought to invent milk shakes!

Stone Age man would, as their name suggests, use stone primarily in the building of their settlements. They would build homes from stone and mud, these houses were quite intricate. They had several rooms, serving many purposes. It is proven that they had specific rooms for sleeping, eating, entertaining friends and family and toilet rooms. While they were advanced in architecture, they never thought to invent anything closely resembling a conservatory.

The stone age people also utilised tools and objects in their day to day lives. Many examples of axes, chisels, hammers, mallets and clogs were found in dig sites. Also these people would use the local wildlife to aid in their day to day lives. It is a proven scientific guess that mammoths were used to shower, pelicans were used as a kind of garbage disposal unit, birds were used as alarm clocks and dinosaurs were kept as pets. It’s been widely documents in the documentaries of the Flintstones.

The Iron Age

The Iron Age is a period of time after the Bronze Age. I will not be covering the bronze age in this report because I don’t know anything about it, I’ve only just heard about it when my ‘husband’ came down and saw I’d left if off my whiteboard.

The Iron Age ran from 700BC to, well, the end date of the Iron Age varies wildly because technically we still use iron so how can we quantify that this age ever ended? All the articles I’ve read on the subject say it ended around 300AD but I don’t agree.

The Iron Age started when Preston Popenose, a prominent scientist of the time, discovered that iron was a thing. He was playing with some hematite (Fe2O3) and magnetite (Fe3O4) and discovered through a very technical process that I fully understand but won’t elaborate further on because I chose not to, that he could make a metal. No one had ever seen metal before (apart from bronze, but that is a cheap whorish metal so I don’t think it should have had its own age). This new material was mind blowing to the whole world. Or the parts of the world that had been discovered at the time.

In a few short years people had discovered this metal could be moulded into any shape, and it would hold that shape and stand up to massive pressure, impact and wear and tear. It was used for everything possible pipes, pumps, popes, bolts, belts, bras, knockers, knackers, knickers and everything else made of iron.

Within 200 years the world was transformed from a lush plant, stone and mud kingdom to a metal riddled nightmare. People were getting bits of iron in their cereal, in their underpants, in their biscuit tins and worse of all on the end of their magnets, making them all furry and awkward to use. Iron everywhere was an epidemic for 4 years until Susan Hand realised that if they stopped using iron fillings as an air freshener, it wouldn’t get everywhere. It became the job of every young woman to sweep up the iron fillings and eat them, these young women would go house to house sweeping and eating. And this is where we get the term ‘iron maiden’ from.

By 300AD iron was used in most everything, if you were allergic to iron, your life would be an itchy nightmare.

The Dark Ages

The Dark Ages, unlike the stone or iron age, was a collection of ages. The Dark Ages consisted of a black age, a very dark grey age and a really deep navy age. These were not because of those colours being used a lot on tapestries and tunic, but rather more the mood the people of the world felt. The whole world was as moody as a teenager when asked to wake up at 9am to clean their room. You remember our son? Thomas do you? Remember Peter? You did nothing to help raise him! ‘Being busy at work’ is no excuse for not being a good parent! I held a job and also raised him!

The Dark Ages were a time of scientific and artistic decline. Some say that if the Dark Ages hadn’t happened we would have colonised mars and the moon by now. I worked 7 hours a day 5 days a week at that job yet still had time to take Peter to school and be with him on the evenings. Did you ever love us? It’s your fault he died! He should never have been allowed to do that parachute jump! Did you even care? What were you thinking? He was a dog for God sake, what made you think he could pull a rip cord?!

Between 700AD and 1300AD the catholic church…you know what sod this! Thomas I am leaving you, I haven’t loved you for years, I know you’ve been seeing Danielle! No one has a sleep over at their architects house! My wet nurse was right about you, you’re no good. You never have been and you never will be! I should have known. We only got together because you were bored of your wife. I should have known when you were ‘friends’ with all those other woman too. The things I let you do to me, I feel sick in my own skin now. You’ll never hurt me again Thomas!

These are all the things which I wish I could have said to you Thomas, but I can’t because I killed you. The day you let Peter die, I smashed you head to pieces with a frying pan! In a way, I regret that. I still hate you, but the doctors say I need to get the hate out of my system. They might let Mother come and visit me next month if I’m good. I haven’t stabbed anyone in two months! The hallucinations haven’t stopped yet, I keep seeing Cristopher Biggins walking through the walls. The doctors tell me you were never real, but I know what I know, how could I imagine you in such detail? Your purple eyes, the slight scar on your shoulder, the way you floated, your 2 foot endowment! These are details I just couldn’t make up!

I still remember the day we got married. The beach wedding, our parents weeping with joy, Brian Blessed performing the ceremony. The Smamptons were amazing that day! I can’t remember where we went on our honeymoon. Was there cake? My memory isn’t what it was. I looked young, I remember that. I’m old now Thomas, so old! My body has failed me but my mind is strong. Is that you mother? No, just Christopher again. He’s invited me to a tea party Thomas, shall I go. Will there be dancing? We loved to dance!

My world is black, my vision left me years ago, but I can still see your face. Your face as I crushed it to a pulp. There is nothing but my memories, and the blackness. I have to go now Thomas, there’s a man waiting for me. His face is so pale.

The medieval period

The medieval period
The medieval period was a period of time in England from 492 to 1102 AD. This is the period of time when there were knights, dragons and all of forms of magical beings. England was not the united kingdom it now is, rather it was split into many principalities. Kings were common place, a man could be king of his own privy if he so wished and no one could tell him otherwise, though he had to fashion a crown from the materials to hand. It was called the medieval period because it was a medium level of evilness, as most people were illiterate they couldn’t spell medium evil thus the bastardised version ‘medieval’ came into being. They were a simpler times, the primary forms of entertainment were dance and tapestry making, usually doing the two at the same time.

People
The people of medieval England were a simple folk, working primarily in the manufacture of mud and mud accessories, such as the mud hut, mud hat and mud hedge. They would spend their day toiling in fields, much like festival goers of modern times, they would slosh around in the mud, extracting all the muddy goodness. They thought earth worms were underground serpents who spoke to them via suggestive dance, this is where we get the modern day ‘worm’ dance from.

Knights
Knights were prolific in medieval England, every village had to select 4 boys each Michaelmas who would be sent away to knight school. There they would take evening classes on many subjects such as jousting, horse maintenance, wooing, optimal armour oiling points, maiden rescuing and group dance. It’s a little known fact that all knights of the realm had to be proficient in many various forms of dance, particularly any involving a group. The conga was invented by Sir Laboratoire Garnier one drunken weekend when his armour got caught in the buttock area of Sir Lionel Fanthorpe.
Knights would spend most of their adult lives going from town to town righting what was wrong, doing good deeds for peasants and generally keeping the peace. More often than not most knights would start out as a prisoner who had for some reason lost his memory, they would get embroiled in some bizarre quest which would lead them to other quest, they would go from quest to quest, their experience building up over time until usually they would be given some very high honour and made a lord or something. This is why virtually every computer game set in medieval times has adopted this story line.
There were no female knights! Over time this made the nights at knight school very hard.
Dragons
Dragons were everywhere in medieval times, on the whole they were docile creatures who wandered the country side (of which there was considerably more than there is now, local councils greenbelt policies of the time were very strict). They came in all sizes and shapes, mostly they were the size of a double decker bus, but not the same shape as a double decker bus, I’m just using the general length and height of said bus to draw comparisons in volume. I don’t want you thinking you could walk into the inside of a dragon and sit down and have a lift up the road, you couldn’t. They were just roughly similar sizes.
Obviously you got the occasional bag egg, which would usually be humanely destroyed, because if these bad eggs weren’t destroyed, when they hatched there would be a bad dragon inside, who would go round burning sheep, carrying maidens away while said maiden was bathing nude in a local stream or pond. The only way to kill a bad dragon was to be eaten whole and fight your way out from the inside, as their scales were far too thick to be punctured by the weaponry of the time. Mostly dwarfs were trained as internal dragon slayers to be fed to these dragons as they could be swallowed whole. Only 1 in 39 came out alive, this is why you’ll never see a dwarf in Jurassic park, they have a genetic fear of being force fed to a large lizard.
When a dragon dies its whole body calcifies and it turns to stone. Almost all the mountains in the world were created as a result of this stone based process. Dragons can come back to life, so next time you’re up a very high hill just be aware that at any moment it may crack open and a dragon may climb out!

The medieval period in the rest of the world
I don’t know, we never did that bit at school!
Medieval fun facts
• In 804 there were no less than 1134 kings of England, who all met up and had a big fight, only one (Henry the 8th) survived and became overall king of England
• It was legal to marry a square foot of mud
• It was illegal to place mud next to clay in November due to laws being written while very drunk
• Woman were considered more attractive if they had mushrooms growing from their shoulders
• All men over 45 looked like Brian Blessed
• Swans were treated very badly (used as toilet paper) and to this day they still hold a grudge

medieval

The Industrial Revolution

The industrial revolution
The industrial revolution took place between 1635 and 1904 all over mainland Europe and some parts of the top America. It is widely held as one of the biggest changes to the way humans produce decorative items and food stuffs in all of known and unknown history.

How did it begin?
In 1635 somewhere in England, Roger G. Pepperspray sat down with his wife, all day long he had been weaving a tapestry of some knights and horses frolicking on a battlement, when he broke down in manly tears. His wife, being a woman of the time, knew best not ask him anything lest she get a beating for speaking out of line. His son, a boy of no more than 34 approached his father with the lanyard of speech, clearly indicating that he was requesting permission to talk. His father, through watery eyes bade him come hither and talk. His son uttered the now world famous words

“Privytum father, privytums the matter oh father of mine, son of grandfather but not daughter of mother, wife of father and mother of myself”

Privytum was the word used by these simple people meaning ‘What’. Roger looked at his son, who was now also weeping uncontrollably. And said “Oh Disconipple (for that was his name) it’s these damn and blasted tapestries, every day I do them by hand and every day my hand gets such cramps, come evensong I cannot clench my fist, your mother has gone unbeaten for six whole weeks now, she is getting ideas above her station, last night she tried to get in my bed and touch my thigh!”

Everyone looked agog at their mother, and lo did she feel ashamed!

Disconipple went away from that conversation a changed man, he was resolute to help his poor father. Long were the nights he would sit at his drawing parchment, trying to discover a way to automate the tapestry making process.

Sadly Disconipple was an idiot and all he ever invented was a stick with a bit of material on the end and the concept of roundabouts (both road and playground type). He died pennyless, alone and with a stick with a bit of material on the end stuck up his bum.

Ikhambard Kingdom Brunill
In 1730 a man called Ikhambard Kingdom Brunill had an idea “What if we could automate manufacturing processes, what if we could automate the shit out of them, so much so that everything is made by automatons, what if we could build giant railways spanning every inch of the shitting country, what if I could use social media to not only connect with friends, but also businesses as well, I’d social the shit out of that media” he was well known for swearing inappropriately. When the queen knighted him he said “Thank you, you shittower”!

Ikhambard changed his name is Isambard Kingdom Brunel because people kept spelling it wrong. He was a pioneer in civil and uncivil engineering. By day he would work as a forestry commissioner but by night he would work on his plans of building huge structures, big enough to allow steam powered locomotives to navigate over large stretches of water. His plans for automatons and social media fell by the wayside when he invented the bridge. Up until that point no human had ever thought to build a structure over water for fear of trolls and/or sexually aggressive mermaids.

He build the Clifton suspension bridge all by himself one warm summer but lost his job at the forestry commission which is why he invented a toll charge to cross his bridge!

The industrial bit
Isambard Kingdom Brunel’s bridges meant that trains could now get to any bit of the country they wanted. This meant that goods could be delivered from one location to another with relative ease, this unfortunately put highway men out of work, luckily they all found new jobs in local and national government, so they could still rob people, am I right? Yeah satire!

The ability to transport things meant that materials and goods were able to be moved. In time this meant that giant machines could be made in one place and shipped somewhere else. This was well good! Within 50 years every town had factories and mills, people were making all kinds of shit.

During the industrial revolution almost everything that was invented had some kind of wheel attached to it, the spinning jenny was essentially a massive wheel, all forms of transport now had wheels attached to them, horses were not keen on this but in time the learned to adapt.

The spinning Jenny
The spinning Jenny was the spinning wheel that started it all, before she was invented spinning wheels were just a round wheel like structure which could change a small amount of straw into gold. But with the advent of The spinning Jenny, up to 8 times more straw could be made into gold. Thus they went into mass production and were shipped to every mill across the land. The only problem with them was that they were quite small machines and only children’s little hands could work them, so every child was taken out of school, regardless how near to finishing their GCSE’s they were and made to work on The spinning Jennys.

Within 2 years cases of ‘sleeping beauty syndrome’ was confirmed in 2 out of every 7 children, this condition would render them asleep for 100 years if they pricked their finger on one of the 8 needles found in The spinning Jennys.

In time better, less deadly milling machines were invented and cases of sleeping beauty syndrome greatly deminished. But kids were just being lazy so they all got sent back to school where they could play and learn. Yet kids today moan about having to learn sums, spoiled little buggers, get them back in the mills, then they’d know what hard work was!

Children from 13 – 18 would often work up to 69 hours a week, you hear that you little shits on your xboxs, moaning because you have to do some washing up or help clean your own room. 69 hours a week! Get off your lazy little spoiled arses, stop hanging around bus shelters, pull your trousers up and make yourselves useful, you set of ungrateful ingrates! Also stop playing your shit tinny music on your phones in public, little bastards!

Standardisation
The idea of standardisation was a blindingly simple one. Simply make all measurements standard, for example a 3/4ths half top torque lug notch nut made in one factory would not necessarily be the same dimensions as a 3/4ths half top torque lug notch nut made in another factory, so everyone just decided to get together and make all things the same size as each other, thus meaning parts made in one place would fit into parts made somewhere else, and that’s how lego was invented.

Environmental impact
With half the world now running factories and mills, the impact on the environment was felt quickly. Whole towns would be charged black with soot from chim chimneys, thick dark dust would coat the faces and faeces of every man, woman and boy working in the mills. Come the Christmas of 1874, when the snow fell, it was not pristine white flakes of winter fun, it was thick black balls of dirt, soot and grime. This time was known as ‘Mucky Christmas’, which is where the getting a lump of coal for Christmas comes from if you’ve been naughty.

With great economic boons comes great financial rewards and during this time every living human was a millionaire, people would spend every night down the pub getting drunk, which of course meant the population soared (are were sore), within 100 years of the start of the industrial revolution the world’s population went from 147,000 to well over 2 million people! An utterly unfathomable statistic. Obviously that number of humans could not be sustained for long and shortly after the plague of 1874 the population of the earth had gone back down to a manageable 800,000.

The end
The end of the industrial revolution was rapid and shocking to all involved. Up until 1903 factories were chugging away, belching out their black foul air, children worked hard, long and grateful. But in 1904 electricity was discovered in a mine in Brixton, the land above was named ‘Electric Avenue’ and from that day on robots did everything and thus the revolution was ended.

The industrial revolution fun facts

  • There was never a revolution, that was just the alarmist name for it in the papers of the time
  • 89% of the world’s resources of top hats were used up due to increased ‘fat cat’
  • So many people left the countryside and their farms to move to the cities that most cows and sheep roamed free and had to run the village post offices
  • The dogs let themselves out
  • A woman (Pitty Pottypoo) invented canals when her husband who didn’t speak English very well said one night “I can anal?”
  • No one, not for half of one second, though that any of this might be a bad thing!

The Industrial Revolution

The Egyptians

The Egyptians

The Egyptians were a race of people who lived 2389 BC to 4AD primarily in the Egyptian part of the world, which is a hot arid region somewhere in the bit of the world that might be a bit scary to go to because it’s different from where you live and you’re not sure if it’s one of those terroristy kind of places, which is quite racist of you to think, go there, you’ll be fine and have a lovely time.

Over many years there were hundreds of rulers of the Egyptian people, many of whom were called something like Ichcambar. The most famous ruler of Egypt was Cleopatra who became king by being the most prettiest woman they had ever seen.

Egypt is probably most famous for their pioneering work on triangle based architecture which will be discussed in depth later on in this article.

Egyptians are often linked with stories of other worldly creatures visiting them and this can be proven by the televisual documentaries of ‘Stargate’ which prove that the Egyptians would use round wormhole based portal technology to travel to distant planets, this mostly resulted in absolutely nothing of interest to anyone but a small group of people who had poor social skills, these people usually lived with their parents, they would collect small figurines of characters from the entertainment of the time, and not talk to a female without nearly fainting or secreting their body weight in sweat, these are a kind, fair and noble people and should be looked upon with reverence and humility for they are truly gods (and goddesses) among men (or woman).

We can’t prove that alien life visited the Egyptian people and put symbiotic parasites that controlled their host but it is scientific fact that this happened. Now let’s not get bogged down in the fact that at the end of the Stargate ‘film’ the main naughty person turns into what would be classically called a ‘grey’ alien yet in the television documentary the ‘grey’ aliens are called Asgards and are generally of force for good, the truth is I don’t know why that happened and it’s probably best we don’t think too hard about it! Also don’t get the Asgard people confused with Asgards where Thor lives. The whole thing is a quagmire of confusion!

Cleopatra

Cleopatra was 17 when the people of Egypt made her a lady king, she had won Miss Egypt seven years in a row and it just made good business sense to have a ruler that was attractive. She had pioneered the method of having thick black eye makeup and this gave her a haunting quality which at the time was unrivalled by any woman. She was in power for a good 25 years and only stopped being in power because she grew tired of it so being the right grump cow she was she let a snake bite her on the bosom and died. She left her only son Julius Caesar who went on to live in Rome and called people brutes for eating two things.

A typical day for a standard Egyptian

The Egyptians were a proud and noble race, who would often spend many hours a day toiling in fields or building stone based buildings. However how an Egyptian would spend their day was determined on what their job was, there were four main types of people in Egypt

  • Slave
  • Slave master
  • Slave master master
  • Slave master master master

Slaves were treated as well as any slave of that day, there were regular beating, meetings and bleatings. They worked under very harsh conditions, some of them didn’t live past 11 or 12, though most of them made it to tea time!

The slave masters sometimes weren’t masters of slaves at all, they just had a normal day job like plumbing or working at the university.

The slave master masters would sit on those sofas without a back and just eat grapes.

I have no idea what slave master master masters did or if they even existed, if they did they were probably ninjas or something!

Religion

Egyptians worshiped many different gods, gods of the air, land and seas. There was a different god for every occasions.

  • Ismimotep: the god of knocking cups over
  • Timtimatim: the god of the stubbed toe
  • Bebo: the god of outdated social interactions

If there wasn’t a god for any given situation then a new one would be invented and worshipped, their worship would involve the human putting their arms out to the side, and bending their arms at a 90 degree angle and doing a kind of odd head and arm dance, which is where the song ‘Walk like an Egyptian by The Bangles’ came from!

The main god in Egyptian times was Ragh the Sun god, or basically they worshiped the sun, because it was always hot in Egypt and as the sun gave them everything they needed to live, apart from water, TV or potatos, they thought it best that they worship it, because if there’s one thing massive burning balls of chemicals need to continue being massive balls of burning chemicals, it’s humans flailing themselves around millions of miles away.

The Pyramids

Over the years many people have wondered how the pyramids were built, the simple answer is slaves, thousands and thousands of slaves. ‘But how could humans build such buildings with the technology at the time?’ again the answer is slaves hundreds of thousands of slaves! ‘But how did they know to build them in the shape that is similar to constellations of some stars?’ because people looked up and used their eyes and brains to think it would be nice. Also as I’ve mentioned, stargates!

The pyramids usually refer to the three pyramids in Giza in the valley of the kings, however there are many more pyramids about. But those three are the most famous, they are the building equivalent of the three stooges. There is little that hasn’t been written about these three pyramids, however the single Pyramid of Achiball is far more interesting than these, if the pyramids of Giza are the three stooges then the pyramid of Achiball is Charlie Chaplin.

The pyramid of Achiball is a scientific mystery because to this day it remains as pristine as the day it was built, the bright white marble hasn’t been stripped off the outside, the front door still works with its stone based clockwork door system. The booby traps, while all also made out of stone, are nowhere near as deadly as any other, in fact they are more jokes as they don’t try and kill you but rather several tickle you and one will kiss you using the pretend face of Cleopatra the 4th. Once inside the Pyramid, there isn’t a burial chamber or anywhere for slaves to be beaten, but just a nice sitting area and place to buy low price but high quality handbags. Perhaps the most interesting thing about the pyramid of Achiball is that instead of being a pyramid shape, it’s actually rectangle shaped, some argue this means it’s not a pyramid, but it is, it is!

Egyptian fun facts

  • Egypt has several other names such as Triangle town, Sandy settlement and Washington D.C
  • Everyone in Egypt really loved cats, they put their likeness on everything to try and win some form of admiration from the cats, but the cat’s didn’t give a shit and remain aloof to this day!
  • Camels were invented in Egypt then a horse mated with a really ugly giraffe
  • Egyptians didn’t let the dogs out

The Egyptians

Henry the 8th

Henry the Eighth

Henry the Grumpy
Henry the Grumpy

Mini Bio
Henry the 8th was the 8th king of England from 1487 to 1544 AD, he took many wives and caused major reformations in the catholic church through a series of harsh changes and violent outbursts. He is famous for his shocking red hair and beard and being a portly gentleman, his main accomplishments in life (besides his numerous marriages) was the invention of a floatation system for keeping beards dry (and afloat) he was also a pioneer in the field of couples counselling!

Biography
Henry the 8th was born in Kingston, England in the year 1474! For the first six and a third months of his life he didn’t have a name and was simply referred to as Little lord Tibbult because they thought he was a cat! He was covered from head to toe in thick ginger hair and could walk on all fours within six hours of being born. He would often lap at milk and emit a mewing tone when bored.

As he was born in Kingston he was set to become king, any living being born from a human female within the towns’ limits was allowed to be king. The town of Kingston was only 12 meters square and was (at the time) the smallest settlement in all the land, it has since been surpassed by the 1 meter cubed town of Rubik.

Until they realised Henry wasn’t a cat he slept with his mother and father (Belinda and Clive Hotwaterbottle) in a tiny basket at the foot of their bed. When Henry’s fur fell off they soon realised he was a real human boy, unfortunately for Henry the fur remained on his head and chin, thus giving the thick head of hair and beard we all know and love.

By the age of twelve Henry had been given a proper name ‘Henry Pumple Tissuecheeks’. At the age of twelve and twelve days he was coronated as High King of England and the great British isles of the commonwealth of the united kingdom or hkegbicuk for short or hkoeatgbiotcotuk for medium! The nation celebrated his coronation by cutting out triangles of material, making them into little triangle pouches, fitting each one with a tiny new born baby bunny and stringing them up, in several days when the tiny bunnies were dead they would put the corpses in tiny tins and serve them for Christmas, this is where we get ‘bunting’ from.

Within three days of becoming King, Henry hit puberty and the randy adult feelings began to grow. A king wants what a king gets and so his first wife was found ‘Catherine of Parr’ was her name, a young slip of a girl, not more than 17 years old. They were married and began fornication during the wedding ceremony, Henry couldn’t wait to kiss her so while the vicar was doing the ceremony Henry stabbed him in the buttock to speed things up, this is now why the vicar or registrar tells the marrying couple that they may kiss, as it is perfectly legal to stab someone if your marriage ceremony is taking too long!

On their wedding night when they had got into their royal chambers and Henry could actually get Catherines clothes off and see what her lady bits looked like, he was horrified, he was expecting the same kind of genetalia as his own royal member, having never seen the groin zone of a lady, and medieval pornography mostly consisting of tapestries or crude needle craft, he didn’t know what to expect. He didn’t know what to do so he did the only thing he could, he screamed “Off with her head” and she was instantly decapitated by Cardinal Woolsey.

In the days that followed the catholic priests told Henry how the human reproductive systems worked and Henry felt terrible, so later that week he got married to ‘Catherine of Anne Boleyn’ she was a very saucy wench and on their wedding night she made sure Henry was shown how lady parts worked. He pretended to know, but like all men, was still utterly baffled by the whole thing. A few years passed and things were going well for them, they went on dates, enjoyed plays, jesters, pageantry, all that olde worlde shit. But then one day Catherine of Anne Boleyn accidentally got caught in Henry’s beard, her nose ring was snagged good and proper so the only way to free her was to remove her head from her body in the hope that would free it. It worked, sadly Catherine died shortly after due to an unrelated issue.

For many years Henry lived the life of the bachelor, mostly drinking broth from cups, which is where bachelors cup-a-soups originated, and also where Henry made most of his fortune!

When Henry Turned 23 he married the acress Jane Seymore, who is probably best known for her role in Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman, playing the titular character, but due to the hectic work schedule of Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman Jane wasn’t at Henry’s castle (Henry’s big castle in London, known as Londons big castle) so Henry wanted to divorce her but because he hadn’t changed the rules to the catholic faith he couldn’t, so he ate her!
As the years marched on Henry’s mind turned to Children, he wanted a son or daughter, either would be fine, he really wasn’t bothered which, so again he took a wife Anne of John Cleese. He rodgered her good and proper but after years of pointless sex making she could or would not give him a child, so because technically she was half sideboard the marriage was annulled.

Henry tried again, he found Catherine of Frankie Howard, but she was a lesbian and wouldn’t do kinky stuff so Henry got a right grump on. He wanted a divorce but the Catholics were having none of it because to them that was against their religion, so Henry thought “Right bollocks to the lot of you, I’ll make up another religion, that’s a bit similar to catholasisam but changes some of the basic rules meaning I can do whatever I want and just rewrite this new made up religion to fit whatever my kingly heart desires” and he did, and for some reason he destroyed a load of churches rather than just put in for planning permission for change of purpose!

So a new English church was born which let you get away with all kinds of stuff but which was some how more correct than all other other similar versions of that religion which were all based on the same book but interpreted differently to fit in with the needs of those in power at the time.
Henry found Aragon of Parr, a lovely lady who desperately wanted to give Henry some spawn but her vagina had dried up due to lack of use, she did look like the back of a bus and had never felt the harsh rough hands of a medieval man on her nethers. Henry tried but it didn’t work out, they kept in touch on faceparchment and sent messages to each other via carrier sparrows, or Twitter, but nothing more.

Henry’s seventh wife was Oliver Cromwell.

Henry’s eighth and final wife was Catherine of Parr, but a different one from his first wife of the same name, they had a right nice time for ages, she was everything Henry wanted in a woman, she was busty in the bedroom, good at making ice cream in the parlour, a seamstress in the kitchen, a thick carpet on the hallway and had plenty of storage space in the downstairs back lounge. As time passed Catherine became with child, Henry’s child, a boy! A new king there was to be! The country celebrated for 8 solid days, until someone realised that a baby with a winky that goes in and not out is not a boy, but a girl, a female king had been born! The country celebrated again, but not for 8 days, they were quite tired and there was a lot of ironing to do!

When the baby lady king turned 12 Henry did as all royalty must do, he said his goodbyes and walked off into the wilds of England. Some say he wanders this land still, seeking out injustice, trying to put right what once went wrong, hoping the next leap, will be the leap home!
Henry the 8th fun facts

• Henry the Eighth had 8 wives, which is where his name comes from
• Henry the Eighth invented fractions, particularly things in eighths
• He wrote the song greensleeves after inventing the colour green and sleeves
• He tried to rename December to Decemburr because it was always cold!
• Spoke with a very thick cockney accent
• He invented the word ‘Ate’ because it sounded a bit like Eighth
• He let the dogs out
• Wrote and animated the cartoon ‘Henry’s cat’

Rage Slave – Part 5

A new and exciting short story by me Cecil Thax, this was an entry I wrote for a ‘A bad science fiction writing jam’, I’m breaking it down into several parts so your mind isn’t overwhelmed by words and Sci Fi cliches.

Previously on ‘Rage Slave’ Jack Steel had just acquired a license to allow him to be on Mars

Part five – Justice

Jack now had a license, DNA and microchips and could move around freely. But what was he to do now? He was on Mars, a world of pleasure, leisure things only in measure, the computers in the city wouldn’t administer alcohol in any great quantity, certainly not enough to get Jack drunk enough to quell the memories. He couldn’t stay in the farm, sooner or later someone would come to look for the old man, he had to go to the city, there at least he could find out what level of ‘luxury’ his new license entitled him to. Depending on what Hildred had created Jack was to be subject to various levels of pampering, there was a risk he would have to spend his days getting spa treatments, deviating from your expected life and ID level would result in the police taking an interest in your life. Keep to the system and they left you alone, but act odd or out of character then a life audit would take place.

Jack set off to the nearest city, Milim, one of the largest cities on Mars, it housed many of the large universitys and the main government buildings. These buildings were now mostly run by droids, no human had anything to do with governing the planet and very few people attended university, the only humans that did, did so because the droids thought it important for some semblance of human presence.

Jack got into Milim just as the sun was setting, it was night when he got into Milim city centre, the sleek minimalist shops with their clean white tiles, chrome and black furniture were just opening for their evening’s trade. Servant droids dashed about in the droid sidewalk lanes while fat pampered women waddled in the human lane, each clutching bags filled with expensive clothes and food. Jack baulked at them, this level of sloth and privilege made him feel sick. He felt like pulling out his sword and killing everyone just to wipe the self-satisfied look off the people’s faces. Hologram adverts with their lights, colours and sounds made Jack infuriated, he swallowed his rage and walked into the first store he could, inside he could swipe his ID to find out who he now was.

The store he entered was predominantly selling items used in kitchens, overpriced lemon juicers, anti-gravity ravioli makers, Smoopils. Jack walked to the back of the store to use the ID interface, he swiped the card, the interface flashed then the details appeared

“Professor Judith Prippyplaitt

Professor at Mars University, Head Human Dean of Human Intergalactic Human Space Politics.

57, female, married”

Jack punched the ID interface, he hadn’t counted on being female, it didn’t cross his mind to specify a gender! Within seconds alarms were ringing, the store’s front door slammed shut, all the shelves disappeared into the floors leaving just the cube space, Jack knew his time was up. He desperately looked for an escape, he scratched at the door, but the Gramplock seal meant it was impossible to open. An announcement came over the speaker system

“CITIZEN, YOU HAVE USED A FALSE ID, STAY STILL AND AWAIT ARREST, YOU SHALL BE IMPRISONED ON PHOBOS FOR 20 CYCLES FOR ID VIOLATION”

Jack pulled out his sword, the door opened, police droids burst in, in four rapid slices Jack had dismembered them, he made for the open door, outside were 10 more police droids closing in on him, Jack span round and deftly relived their heads from their bodies. Humans were stood looking on agog, never had they seen such acts of violence. Jack ran into an alleyway, but due to the nature of the buildings the police could rearrange walls, paths or any building as need be. Within seconds Jack was boxed in. Above him police droids took aim with tranq rifles, seconds later Jack was shot and unconscious.

When Jack came to he was in a single one man pod hurtling its way out of Mars’s atmosphere and heading directly to Phobos, the prison moon of Mars.  Having not been stripped of any of his weapons or nanobots, Jacks chances of survival, for at least a day, was slightly higher. The pod careered through space towards Phobos, the journey only took 3 hours, with the stories Jack had heard he didn’t know what to expect. Tales of gangs of cannibals who would rape, eat and sing to you at the same time, colonies of twisted mutilated ex humans and droid hybrids killing anything not identified as similar, settlements built from human bone and flesh, viruses that could melt your skin in a single agonising day, and various similar stories. No one knew if they were true as no one had ever left Phobos.

The pod reached Phobos, it passed through the protection net but accidentally hit an electronic link in the net, sparks billowed from the control panel in front of Jack, sparks poured over his legs, smoke and the smell of burning flesh filled the pod, he couldn’t breathe, he felt the gravity slowly pulling his burning body downwards, his skin was on fire, flames surrounded his torso, the pod hurtled to the ground at 300mph, suddenly the door to the pod exploded off, wind came rushing into the still falling pod, the flames were immediately extinguished, Jack trapped in restrains writhed in agony, seconds later the pod slammed into the ground, Jack was thrown out of the pod and through the air, he bounced off the ground, rocks tearing his clothes, breaking his bones. When he came to a stop he was little more than a pile of meat, blood poured from countless cuts, just before he lost consciousness the last thing he saw was a swarm of rat like creatures surrounding him and tearing him apart, his last sight was seeing his own intestines being pulled from his torso. The pain didn’t bother him, he only had one thought, his last thought was of her, would he meet her in the next life?

He saw nothing, he felt nothing, he just faded to black.

The End

 

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