Welcome to a fantastic list of new TV programs and movies that are currently in development in my mind. If you work for a TV production company and you steal these ideas I will punch a wall and regret all my life decision up to this point and very probably beyond!
In the vein of big brother, this has a house with hundreds of cameras in, filming every aspect of the inside of the house. Every second of every inch of the goings on of the house are recorded and showed in a nightly hour long program. ‘But it’s been done before’ I hear you scream. Yes it has, but the twist with realty reality is that no one lives in the house! It’s empty. The only thing you might see is a spider or fly going about its business! There are no lights on either so if something happens at night, you won’t see it!
People watch other people watching TV, the feckless idiots will watch this and lap it up like the reality whores they are!
It should air every night on ITV2. Hosted by anyone who’s been on Coronation street
Up the Duff
Another reality program where by the American film star ‘Hillary Duff’ undergoes several exploratory medical procedures. Endoscopies, colonoscopies ect. There’s nothing wrong with the woman, but her name is quite easy to pun. The show also looks at other ways things can go ‘up the Duff’, such as how an army of ants might try to climb up her.
Other projects she could work on are
- The Duffalo – a reworking of ‘The Gruffalo’ but with Hillary Duff as the titular character.
- Getting Duff on crime – Hillary patrols with police who take a tough stance on criminals.
- The Duff stuff – either a program about body building hence the tough/Duff pun or just a look at all the things Hillary Duff owns.
- Are you Duff enough? – A self-examination show where Hillary Duff looks in the mirror and asks herself over and over ‘Are you Duff enough?’
Why not make another one, there’s been like 4000 of the bloody things already. One more can’t hurt! Spiderman played by a woman this time for some reason! Should be 4 hours long and as dark and gritty as a tarmac sandwich.
Don’t drink alcoholic hand sanitiser
An infomercial on the dangers of drinking alcoholic hand sanitiser. I’ve just tried it and it tastes foul. Don’t try drinking it thinking it will taste like vodka or a cheap gin, it doesn’t!
To air every Friday night on channel four, narrated by David Hasslehoff.
Ghost Writer – Movie
Bimburt Smarttits (played by Jeff Goldblum or Whoopi Goldberg if he’s not available) is a down and out writer. He has one last amazing idea for a novel (something about an elephant that befriends a pirate, absolutely NOT a kid’s film). On his way home to write his first draft, he is run over by a truck carrying brand new computers. Due to lighting hitting the truck as he dies, his soul enters one of the computers.
The computer is eventually bought by Gary Ham (played by John Goodman if he’s still alive, Whoopi Goldberg if he’s not. If she’s playing the role of Bimburt then just do lots of split screen). Gary is also a writer but he has writers block.
Eventually the possessed computer writes the elephant/pirate film and Gary wins an Oscar for writing. A smiley face comes on the computer on the end shot.
This is either genius or utter shit! It’s a fine line!
An advert for Smaptons – Just lots of shots of Smaptons with their price at the end.
Mel and Su’s great British lake off
Mel Brooks and Su Pollard travel the country looking at all the lovely lakes the country has to offer. Then they strip off and get in the lakes and have a good swim about. Mel charts his penile shrinkage as a measure of the various lakes coldness. There could also be an element of romance if the couple hit it off.
If Mel Brooks can’t or won’t do it, ask Mel Gibson or Melvin Brag (if he’s alive, I can’t be bothered to check)
Should air on ITV 1 after 10pm, Ant or Dec (but NOT both) to narrate.
Dragons Den 2
Exactly the same business program as Dragons Den but with a 2 on the end of the title. Different business people bring their shit ideas in front of some snobbish millionaires who berate the business fools for having the gall to have an idea. Made just as revenge because the proper dragons tore me a new arse hole for going on with my idea for a new alarm clock that has a backwards snooze. The idea was that if you wake up 10 minutes or so earlier than your alarm is due to go off, you don’t want to be woken up if you managed to get back to sleep. So say your alarm is due to go off at 8am but you wake up at 7:50am; then you hit the backwards snooze which changes your alarm time from 8am to 8:10am. You can then decide to get up at 8:10 or hit regular snooze and have another 10 minutes before waking up at 8:20am! It’s just another option for a clock, there was no reason to humiliate me so badly. Dragon idiots.
Airs on ITV1 at 3pm, draw in the coffin dodgers. Hosted by Carol Thatcher!
Range of porn films based on classic films
Ben Hurr – Bend Her
Gone with the wind – Gone in the wind (pipe)
King Kong – King Thong/dong/long/prong
Citizen Kane – Titizan Kane
The dirty dozen – The dirty dozen
Rear window – Up the rear window
Mary Poppins – Mary Poopins
A fistful of dollars ect
These have all been my lovely film and TV ideas. If you like them then help me make them all a reality! If you don’t like them then piss off!