The medieval period

The medieval period
The medieval period was a period of time in England from 492 to 1102 AD. This is the period of time when there were knights, dragons and all of forms of magical beings. England was not the united kingdom it now is, rather it was split into many principalities. Kings were common place, a man could be king of his own privy if he so wished and no one could tell him otherwise, though he had to fashion a crown from the materials to hand. It was called the medieval period because it was a medium level of evilness, as most people were illiterate they couldn’t spell medium evil thus the bastardised version ‘medieval’ came into being. They were a simpler times, the primary forms of entertainment were dance and tapestry making, usually doing the two at the same time.

The people of medieval England were a simple folk, working primarily in the manufacture of mud and mud accessories, such as the mud hut, mud hat and mud hedge. They would spend their day toiling in fields, much like festival goers of modern times, they would slosh around in the mud, extracting all the muddy goodness. They thought earth worms were underground serpents who spoke to them via suggestive dance, this is where we get the modern day ‘worm’ dance from.

Knights were prolific in medieval England, every village had to select 4 boys each Michaelmas who would be sent away to knight school. There they would take evening classes on many subjects such as jousting, horse maintenance, wooing, optimal armour oiling points, maiden rescuing and group dance. It’s a little known fact that all knights of the realm had to be proficient in many various forms of dance, particularly any involving a group. The conga was invented by Sir Laboratoire Garnier one drunken weekend when his armour got caught in the buttock area of Sir Lionel Fanthorpe.
Knights would spend most of their adult lives going from town to town righting what was wrong, doing good deeds for peasants and generally keeping the peace. More often than not most knights would start out as a prisoner who had for some reason lost his memory, they would get embroiled in some bizarre quest which would lead them to other quest, they would go from quest to quest, their experience building up over time until usually they would be given some very high honour and made a lord or something. This is why virtually every computer game set in medieval times has adopted this story line.
There were no female knights! Over time this made the nights at knight school very hard.
Dragons were everywhere in medieval times, on the whole they were docile creatures who wandered the country side (of which there was considerably more than there is now, local councils greenbelt policies of the time were very strict). They came in all sizes and shapes, mostly they were the size of a double decker bus, but not the same shape as a double decker bus, I’m just using the general length and height of said bus to draw comparisons in volume. I don’t want you thinking you could walk into the inside of a dragon and sit down and have a lift up the road, you couldn’t. They were just roughly similar sizes.
Obviously you got the occasional bag egg, which would usually be humanely destroyed, because if these bad eggs weren’t destroyed, when they hatched there would be a bad dragon inside, who would go round burning sheep, carrying maidens away while said maiden was bathing nude in a local stream or pond. The only way to kill a bad dragon was to be eaten whole and fight your way out from the inside, as their scales were far too thick to be punctured by the weaponry of the time. Mostly dwarfs were trained as internal dragon slayers to be fed to these dragons as they could be swallowed whole. Only 1 in 39 came out alive, this is why you’ll never see a dwarf in Jurassic park, they have a genetic fear of being force fed to a large lizard.
When a dragon dies its whole body calcifies and it turns to stone. Almost all the mountains in the world were created as a result of this stone based process. Dragons can come back to life, so next time you’re up a very high hill just be aware that at any moment it may crack open and a dragon may climb out!

The medieval period in the rest of the world
I don’t know, we never did that bit at school!
Medieval fun facts
• In 804 there were no less than 1134 kings of England, who all met up and had a big fight, only one (Henry the 8th) survived and became overall king of England
• It was legal to marry a square foot of mud
• It was illegal to place mud next to clay in November due to laws being written while very drunk
• Woman were considered more attractive if they had mushrooms growing from their shoulders
• All men over 45 looked like Brian Blessed
• Swans were treated very badly (used as toilet paper) and to this day they still hold a grudge


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