Dear Chicago Town (Company, not an open letter to the citizens of Chicago)

Good morning, I hope my communication finds you well and having a nice day at work, hopefully you’ve had a nice coffee (or tea, or other beverage of choice) and are maybe enjoying a biscuit or 4, unless of course you suffer from diabetes in which case you still could have special biscuits, they make diabetic chocolate now, so a whole world of sweet non sugary goodness is opened up.  I myself am currently chomping on a ginger nut.

That was the ‘bread’ in my complaint sandwich, in which I compliment you, then give you the unfortunate negative nature of my complaint then I shall once again compliment you so that my stinging comments on your company are slightly lessened by my pleasant statements. So please don’t take the following complaint personally, it is aimed solely at the company for which you work and I hope you don’t take anything I’m about to say personally.

On the 7th of August in the year of a lord 2013 I was perusing my local Tesco retail house, this day was a special day, my wife and son had gone to the auctions to have a look for some replacement model railway trees and foliage after quite an horrific pile up on the lines, this was mostly due to a neighbour’s cat getting on the railway and trampling St Swithens station and my B725 engine. So my afternoon and lunch time was free and also I had the rare treat of being able to choose my own lunch, usually I will have to share my wife’s riveta or rice cakes.  Generally I don’t mind this, but their bland cardboard taste gets a little tiresome.  Though I’ve never actually eaten cardboard, but I assume it’s fairly bland.  So it was with a skip in my step that I walked down each isle of Tesco seeing what treats might catch my eye for my special solo lunch.

I also did a bit of shopping while I was there, Bee’s wax, cardamom pods, and anti-travel sickness wristbands, just the usual everyday sundries, but while I was walking around the store, your Chigago Town ‘The deep dish’ meat combo mini pizzas caught my eye.  Not literally caught my eye that would be incredibly painful, but rather the packaging attracted me and drew me in.  The pizza looked like a delicious disk of meaty, savoury, bread based cheesy goodness. I simply had to have it! My mouth began to water at just the thought of such a savoury snack. My wife would never, not in a year of blue moons or any amounts of months of Sunday allow me to have such a delight for a lunch time.  But she wasn’t here she was still at the auction and would be for some time. So I made my purchases and quickly walked home filled with glee at my impending rare and delicious lunch.

I got home, the house was empty, I put away my shopping and went about unpacking the pizzas from their cardboard housing.  But that’s when it happened, that’s when everything changed.  I slide the pizzas out of the box and ponst to the worktop, and what a sight I was presented with.  Rather than two circles of meaty goodness I was presented with what I can only describe as cheese pizzas not the meat combo pizzas shown on the box.  The box clearly shows a pizza literally smothered in bits of various types of meat, I counted them, on the box the pizza shows (roughly) at least 20 meat disks, 14 mini ham monoliths and 11 brown meat ‘lumps’.  Whereas on my pizza, the one in the picture on the right only had 4 meat disks, 3 (maybe 4) meaty lumps and 13 mini ham monoliths. So while the ham seemed about the right about, the other two meats were vastly lacking and this I’m sorry to admit upset me, I was welling up to be honest.  I’d had a bad week as it was and this was the meatless straw that broke my proverbial camel’s back. What with the train incident and the cracks developing in my Smapton case it had been a bad week and now my pizza topping which I had been so looking forward to, was I’m sorry to say, simply not up to the high standard I was expecting, if it was any standard, it was ‘sub’!

My hopes were dashed but like a trooper I carried on and cooked the small cheesy pizza, and do you know what? They were still delicious, but there was a distinct lack of meat in my mouth.  I don’t know why this happened, perhaps your pizza making robot was having a bad week too, perhaps it’s joints need oiling, it saw a depressing documentary about obsolete robots or its internet connection is too slow.  It’s a realm I have absolutely no knowledge so for me to hazard a guess as to why there was hardly any meat on the pizza is pure folly of the highest degree!

I’m sorry to be negative about anything and hope my comments haven’t stung your cooperation too badly.  I’m sure this lack of meaty goodness was just a glitch.  Thank you for taking the time to read my electronic letter, I hope you have a lovely rest of day at work.  Do you get free mini pizzas served to you at lunch time? Maybe once a month that would be nice, not every day though, unless you also do a lot of exercise but even so pizza should be a rare treat given its high meat content (well, usually).

 

Thank you

 

Cecil Thax

 

Ps

Pineapple on a pizza is abhorrent and should be illegal!