Dear Tesco

I hate to start any communicate on a downbeat and sombre tone, but I simply must on this occasion.

I am utterly baffled, miffed, confused and quite frankly outraged at something that has happened in your stores! Why oh why oh why have you seen it fit to stop producing the Tesco’s own brand of salt and vinegar rice cakes?! I have another complaint which for the life of me I can’t remember what it is now, I’m so enraged at the rice cakes issue! I’m sorry to be so indignant but I am incredibly cross! Please, allow me the time to explain why your action has vexed me so!

I am not a thin man, my son is also the wrong side of round, we both live together and since my wife left me both our emotions have gone down in a shame spiral faster than an airliner over Russia. We’ve both been incredibly depressed and we’ve taken to over eating, which is odd because when I was a younger man, when I got upset or depressed I would stop eating, but not this time. Last night I had two cheese cakes (full size) and my son ate a full leg of lamb, before his Smamptons were ready I might add! Without my wife, my life has become an empty barren wasteland of self-loathing and anger! This was until several weeks ago, when I had taken my son to a local gymkhana. We don’t like horses, I have had a fear of horses all my life; I find them to be very judgemental creatures. But we went because my son heard there were free cakes.

While there I got talking to a lady called Pearl, she was a ripe old bird, flirty as the day is long and twice as sassy. She’s a cockney, I’m a northern man, her coarse acerbic wit tickled me pink. She also had a daughter, who she lovingly referred to as ‘Titty’ on account of her resemblance to a small bird. We spent the whole afternoon talking and mocking the people riding on the back of horses, but Pearl is a very thin lady, she didn’t eat a single atom of food all the time we were together, neither did Titty. She did however; make several snide yet amusing comments about mine and my son’s weight. My son is a social hermit, he can’t even look a lady in the eye, let alone talk to one, but Titty went and sat next to him all afternoon, she spoke to him and didn’t seem to mind that he couldn’t reply. Needless to say he has fallen in love with this girl. But the comments about our weight stung, sticks and stone may break my bone but words will also very certainly hurt me!

That night after my son and I got home we vowed we would go on a diet and lose some of our tummy flab and woo these ladies, who knows maybe a double father/son wedding is on the cards. I meant we’d be marrying these ladies, I don’t want to marry my own son, I want to make that perfectly clear.

We went to our local Tesco (Bridlington, East Yorkshire) and looked at the healthy foods, after at least an hour we decided to buy your own brand salt and vinegar rice cakes, I have tried none flavoured rice cakes before and they were bland and unpleasant but the idea of a flavoured savoury rice cake intrigued me!

These salt and vinegar Tesco’s own rice cakes were like delicious disks of savoury joy, each mouthful was a ballet on the pallet. The salt and vinegar taste sent my tongue into a revelry, never have I known such flavoursome delights! The only problem with this was that they were too nice and we had to go back to Tesco that very afternoon to purchase another 4 packets! It wasn’t the best start to a diet, but when something tastes this good, who cares.

Within a week we had eaten at least 10 packets each, though I’d not gained any weight or lost any, we had discovered that adding a topping of your own brand Brussels pate to the rice cakes was maybe the best thing I have ever eaten in my life. No, not maybe, it was, it was the nicest thing I have ever eaten in all my years!

I knew it wasn’t the healthy way to consume these low fat snacks, but I was quite depressed so they brought me comfort.

So then imagine my horror and upset when on the same day Pearl told me she didn’t want to see me anymore (and Titty similarly wasn’t interested in my son) we also found out that Tesco no longer make the salt and vinegar rice cakes! It was a black a day as I have ever known!

I’ve tried the expensive name brand rice cakes and I’m sorry to say I tried the Morrisons version, neither of these came anywhere close to tasting as nice as the Tesco version.

I just want to know why Tesco, why would you take it away after I’d only just found it? Everything we had, the time we spent together, was it all for nothing? Please bring them back, I long to hold them in my hand again, to taste their salty crunchy disks, the thrill before I bite one as my taste buds get ready to receive they ricey/salty/vinegary goodness. Please say it’s not over, please say they have only stopped being stopped temporarily while you make more.

Thank you

Cecil Thax

PS
My other complaint was that sometimes I feel like your self-service robot voice is a little too keen for me to “please take your items” it’s like she doesn’t want me there, I feel she should say something like “Please, in your own time, take your shopping, but only when you feel comfortable doing so, there is no pressure from me, would you like me to tell you a joke” it would lighten the mood and a nice (but not smutty) joke would be a lovely end to a shopping experience. Such as jokes like these

“So what’s the deal with old ladies paying for things using exact change?”

“What do you call a shop when it’s very busy and everyone is fighting over things? A shopping maul”

“Did you see the film about retail? No but I saw the prequel! Ah you’ve seen pretail?”

Very amusing jokes I’m sure you’ll agree!

—————–

Tesco’s reply

Dear Cecil

Thank you for your email.

I am sorry that you are outraged, and confused that you can no longer get the delicious salt and vinegar rice cakes you and your son have come to enjoy, I am sorry this item is temporary unavailable, in store and online.

If when in store next please ask at the Customer Service Desk for a product request card and you will be able to fill this in, and pass it back to the staff who willl pass your request to their stock control team to try to get this product back into the store , they will certainly try their best to do so.

Regarding your social life and the double wedding you have planned and still may happen, it sounds very exciting, and I am sure you will both make the day when it comes a fun day to remember, with a spouse on each arm of course and not your sons.

Even though Pearl and Titty are no longer on the scene,I am sure there will be other vivacious woman for you and your son to woo in the future, something to look forward to.

Did you have a great time at the local gymkhana, with plenty of free cakes it sounds a yummy day out and not to ignorred.

I have noted your comments regarding  our self -serve voices on our checkouts, they are a little robotic in the way they come over, but I have logged your comments in full, and this will be fed back to the relevant department for future information, I do agree with you a little humour goes a long way and cheers the day up no end.

Thanks again for contacting us Cecil, its been a pleasure, and an experience I have thoroughily enjoyed, and your quirky sense of humour is a real treat.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Kind regards

Janine Haines
Tesco Customer Service