Old man in Skyrim – Part 10

The Premise
Skyrim is a vast sprawling game, you can pretty much do anything you want, so I decided to live in Skyrim, to see how an old man coped with the harsh environment and bizarre folk that inhabit this land. This is my tale!

The Rules
80 year old man in Skyrim.
Only doing what an average 80 year old can do.
No constantly running, using shouts (special powerful magics), magic or fast travel.
No murder or stealing or anything unethical, should always try to run away from a fight.
Read part seven here – https://radiothax.com/2013/11/05/old-man-in-skyrim-9/

Day 12
I try to leave the inn in Rorikstead, but the son of the inn keeper take me to one side and begs me to ask his father to let him move out! He wants to be an adventurer like me, I try and tell him I’m a bard first and adventurer second, and adventuring is an horrific and violent past time which will very drastically shorten your life’s expectancy. He’s not interested. I get the feeling the term ‘adventurer’ might have a double meaning, I’ve never been very good with the youth and their lingos.

I'll make you an offer you can refuse
I’ll make you an offer you can refuse

I speak to the chaps father only because he’s stood about 12 feet away from us, he tries to give me some sob story about his son not having protection and would I mind buying him a set of armour. The cheeky bastard! I tell him my patronage has given him enough coin to buy his son a fancy hat like mine, he’s not interested. Why does he expect me to fund his kids gap year? Has he never heard of a savings account? In the end the inn keepers story becomes so sob based I give him 75 gold to shut him up, I’m an old softy at heart. I go outside and tell the son he is free to go ‘adventuring’ with whomever he likes, he even has ‘protection’, he asks about the horrible things I’ve seen, so I try and direct him to this blog but he just carries on harvesting cabbages, I’m not sure he’s ever heard of the internet.

Probably be dead in two hours
Probably be dead in two hours

Now I’m leaving, one more step and it will be the furthest I’ve ever been!

Within 2 minutes of my travel I seen another band of guards and a prisoner marching across the land, have these people never heard of cars? In the distance I can see some very interesting rocks, but my ankles are giving me some jip so I ignore them and walk on.

About a mile down the road I start to hear voices, not the usual ones in my head telling me to put on another cardigan, but rather two men and woman arguing, being a true gentleman I feel honour bound to go and make sure the little lady is ok. By the time I stagger over to her the men have left and she’s hiding in a bush, she’s very racist, I leave her and her small minded opinions.

Things I never expected to see on this journey number 1: Racists bush lady!

Only people born in this bush should live in this bush!
Only people born in this bush should live in this bush!

I can see a very tall phallus in the distance. How can I pass up and opportunity to check it out? Well, I couldn’t and what do I find at its base? Not stone testicles, no a sword and a shield, ahh symbolic!
I head back to the road and spot this giant chap lumbering along, he doesn’t seem to want to talk so I leave him be, then further down the road I find this odd cow, it looks like someone’s had too much to drink and gone a graffitiing!

Urban James Herriot
Urban James Herriot

I’m contemplating how the cow could have maybe done this to herself then realise it’s very quiet! Far too quiet, for you see, Meeko is a very noisy doggy, he often barks for no reason, I like this, it lets me know he’s alive, but now no barks are to be heard, I search around for him but to no avail, where’s my Meeko? Then a wolf springs out at me from a bush, is the wolf racist? I’ll never know because as luck would have it another guard/prison group appear and leap to my aid. They dispatch the wolf and walk away. Then Meeko bounds up to me as if nothing’s happened. No indication as to where he’s been, probably chasing rabbits or pooing. I chastise him for leaving me, it was a good job I didn’t have to defend myself because I’m struggling with all this exercise, I’m in my 80’s I really shouldn’t be walking across half the world like this!

Eventually I reach a point where I have a huge decision to make, I can either continue on the path im walking on which will take me through a snowy pass with mountains, or I can take the southern path which has a nice lake but gets even more snowy than the other path. It’s either snow and hills or lake, snow and very steep. I will make camp and sleep on it, a decision this big cannot be made lightly.

It's a sign!
It’s a sign! A sign of things to come! A sign of our time! And so on…

Day 13
I wake up early, around 6am, I lay in my warm fur bed roll for 3 hours contemplating the two paths, this is such a huge decision, one I cannot rush into.

Come 10am I toss a coin to decide my fate.

It’s heads, I go North, I wish I had bought a warm tunic.

I begin down the northern pass and spot the painted cow, it try talking to her, she can’t talk, she’s a cow, I try riding her but she’s too tall and I can’t lift my legs high enough. I join her on her journey, she’s heading my way, with her and Meeko I’m kind of like a Pied piper of Skyrim, I knew being a bard would come in handy.

Out of a bush a lizard man jumps out at me, what is it with people in bushes in these parts? He demands all my monies, how does he know I even have money? Who am I kidding with a hat as fancy as mine, how could I not have wealth? He again demands my money, I try persuading him not to rob me. He isn’t convinced and would be very keen if I handed over the cash asap. I say no, he gets angry, Meeko leaps to my defence, the thief dies! As is my custom, I loot his dead evil corpse, he tried to rob me, it’s only fair I return the favour, he doesn’t put up a fight, I love it when a corpse stays dead!

Mr Lizard, taken too soon because he's a bastard!
Mr Lizard, taken too soon because he’s a bastard!

It’s been a long days walk so I make camp in a nice quiet spot. I make a point of checking all the nearby bushes for people!

Day 14
I wake up early again, I thought I heard a rustling in a nearby bush, but it was just Meeko weeing. In my haste to get some sleep last night, I didn’t notice I had made camp right next to a huge rib cage, I don’t want to meet the creature that is comes from, it’s massive!

Meeko, tent, giant rib cage!
Meeko, tent, giant rib cage!

The air is crisp and clean, the sky is speckled with cloud, birds are singing, the day looks like it’s shaping up to be lovely, so why do I have a grown sense of dread? Probably something to do with being able to see a huge fort in the distance, from my experience they contain either skellingtons or murderous bandits, I sneak forward to have a look.

I climb a small hill then spy another strange collection of stones, they look unlike anything I’ve ever seen before, I sneak forward, there is no one around so I have a little investigate.

Skyrim postcard 4282
Skyrim postcard 4282

There are strange pillars with symbols on and a lever, I can rotate the pillars and pull the lever but nothing happens, I spend five minutes playing around then it dawns on me I might be trespassing, so I quickly hobble back to the road.

I’m instantly set upon by two wolves, Meeko and my arrows make them less alive, I skin them and continue my walk.

In front of me, just lying on the road is a huge dead elk, it seems a shame to let all this meat and fur go to waste, I get my dagger out to skin and take some meat when it dawns on me, someone else may have hunted and killed this, it doesn’t belong to me, what was I doing? My moral compass has gone askew recently, looting thieves, trespassing, playing with pillars and harvesting flesh of dead animals I’ve not hunted. What have I become? No, this isn’t me, no more will I steal from the dead, if I want food or items, I have to buy the, I have to earn my own money by working for it myself and not just picking up what I find, which ironically means I go about picking up what I can find, in that I go picking every wild flower and herb I can see!

No Meeko, you can't eat it!
No Meeko, you can’t eat it!

Later in the day I bump into a farmer who is leading the graphitized cow, I press him for some answers. Apparently the cow is an offering to some giants so they won’t eat his livestock. I can’t resist but to offer my help, he politely tells me to go away.

I don’t go away, I sneak after him so see what happens, how often are you going to see something like this in your life? I follow him, he keeps looking back at me, but doesn’t tell me to go away, we’re basically best friends now. The cow seems hesitant almost as if she knows what fate is about to befall her. When we get to the giant camp there are mammoths! I bet they are the ones with the giant rib cages.

Like meals on wheels, but this meal is on legs!
Like meals on wheels, but this meal is on legs!

The mammoths do not like this farmer’s presence at all, they both trumpet at him angrily, this alerts the giant who comes running over and with one almighty thwack from his club, turns the farmer into a human pizza of guts and smush! Thank god I’m far enough away to not incur the wrath of the giant or mammoths! I look round to check on Meeko. He’s nowhere to be seen, I walk all around the giants camp, I can see 2 wolves in the distance but no Meeko!

You turn to jam in 3..2..1..
You turn to jam in 3..2..1..

I walk near the camp fire to warm up, the graffiti cow has the same idea, I can see the wolves approaching, without my canine protector I am doomed, there is no river to escape into here. I try and hide next to the cow, that’s when I spy Meeko, he’s stood by the mammoths, I try and get closer to make him follow me, but not so close I get turned into human jam by the giant, let’s hope I’m as sneaky as I am old!


Meeko what are you doing?

Meeko no, bad dog!!

No, Meeko stop!!

Meeko, nnnoooooooo!!!

Bad dog!
Bad dog!

Meeko starts a fight with the mammoths, it’s a fight he can never win! Every time I get near him, he runs away to attack the mammoths once more, the only thing I can do it stand in front of him, but no matter how much I try and block him, once he recovers a bit he takes off after the mammoths again. He’s stuck, the blood lust has got the better of him, he is determined to murder the mammoths but they’re so powerful he can’t do any damage to them, they just kick him away and I can’t talk him out of it! Meeko is lost to me!

I have two options
1. Kill both mammoths and the giant
2. Abandon Meeko, leave him to his eternal struggle with the giant beasts, leave him, turn my back on him, my only true friend and protector!

There is no way on earth or Skyrim I could kill both mammoths and the giant, if Meeko can’t do any damage to it, what chance do I have?

I have to apply some cold hard clinical logic here, I do the only logical thing I can do!

Very bad dog!
Very bad dog!

Next time – Parting is such sweet sorrow

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