Dear Sir or Madam or Non gender specific entity
I don’t want to sound aggressive and please don’t take what I’m about to say as a personal attack on yourself or the fine work I’m sure you do for the Walkers customer service department, but what the flipping hecking heck are you playing at? I am literally apoplectic with rage, anger and confusion.
I am writing this by dictating to my wife as she was a touch typist in the 1970’s, and I’ve got myself so worked up I’ve had to go sit on the bonkett for 5 minutes until I’d calmed down. My wife points out that things like this shouldn’t get me so worked up and I should get a little perspective. But i‘ve just been sick on my slippers because I’m so vexed.
What’s caused such a reaction? Well let me tell you, I’ll try to keep it brief, but I realise by simply saying this I am extending this letter, taking up more of your precious time than needed. Two hundred and twenty six pardons.
Every Thursday morning my wife and I shop at our local Tesco (other super markets are available, but Tesco is the most super of all the markets). We won’t use the self scan devices because I loath and fear technology and also I don’t work for Tesco (more’s the pity) so why should I have to do the work of a till girl. And yes I know the term ‘till girl’ may be old, outdated, sexist and just wrong in this modern time, but come on. They’re all women on the tills. Have you ever seen a till boy? No is the answer!
I digress. My wife and I were walking up and down every single isle of the store, because my wife likes to do that. Even if we’re only in there to get milk, cheese, yoghurt, cream, Smamptons and butter she’ll insist on going up and down each section because “you just never know what you’ll see”. Yes Margaret, I do! We eventually arrived in the snacks and nibbles section of Tesco. I am an adventurous man, I like to try anything special and different. I’ve tried Bombay mix with and without raisins (with raisins is an abomination unto God himself). I’ve tried salt and vinegar pork scratchings (it wasn’t for me). I’ve even tried some seaweed nonsense (utterly vile). So when I see a new range of crisps I snatch them up like Boromir would snatch up the one ring given half a chance. But the one ring would corrupt him, even though he would wield its power for good, through him, it would do much evil. Much like me and my wife. She’s not evil per se, just very grumpy and overly emotional, like all woman.
I’m sorry I’ve gone off my point again. Thirty five pardons.
So as I say, I was walking down the snacks and nibbles isle I saw your new walkers ‘range’ (can it be a range if there are only 2 flavours?) of KFC flavoured crisp snacks. The Kentucky fried chicken flavour and the KFC Zinger flavour. I of course immediately put a bag of each in the trolley. This did mean I had to put back my 4 pack of mini double deckers, I’d gone over my snack budget. It also meant I wouldn’t get my sherbet fountain or foam shrimp and bananas, but I thought it a worthwhile exchange if I could try some new crisps. My wife gave me a withering look, like I say, she’s a right grumpy cow. But I was steadfast and held my ground and insisted that I be allowed to have these new and exciting snack treats. By the time we’d reached the frozen pizza section she had stopped telling me to put them back and allowed me to buy them.
We got to the tills and the man serving said that these crisps were very nice but very strong. Actually so not all till people are female. Maybe I need to change my world view? No, he was an anomaly I’d warrant. He said I might want a beer to go with them, so I looked at my wife, in a forlorn fashion, but the glance I got back from her would have been enough to put terror into anyone’s soul, so I backed down. You have to pick which hills to die on and I could see that would have been a painful loss. The till man said “oh, obvious who wears the trousers in this relationship” to which I pointed out that I was clearly wearing slacks and my wife was in her formal shopping skirt, so it was indeed obvious.
I packed up the shopping while Margaret talked to the man about the best way to wash a greasy oven tray (with washing up liquid). I didn’t like the flirty way they were speaking to each other so I ‘accidentally’ threw a packet of rice at his wrist, claiming it had slipped from my fingers. My wife called me a blithering idiot and the man said he never drops anything, he claimed to have the grip of a gecko. I don’t know if geckos are known for having particularly good grip but he seemed quite pleased with himself so I didn’t question it. Margaret went back to the conversation with the man so I just sadly and quietly put the shopping in bags. They’ve gone up to 20p each, can you believe?! What a world we live in!
I had 15 hiccups on the drive home!
When I got home I hid my new crisps in the vegetable cupboard so my son wouldn’t find them. If he did find them, that would be the end of that and I wouldn’t have ever even smelled the crisps, he’d wolf them down. And no amount of crisp intrigue would entice me to smell one of his burps!
I wanted to eat these crisps on my own, but I also can’t abide eating a snack without watching some form of entertainment such as a film, movie, TV program, play or street theatre. But how to watch one of those activities without my wife or son with me? I’d either have to get up very early or stay up very late.
So I decided to get up early as both my wife and son are right lazy little beggers. I set my bladder for 4am (a simple trick, just drink 2 glasses of water half an hour before you want to wake up, so I set my alarm clock to get me at 3:30am so I could drink the water that I’d placed next to my bed, which it did and I did) like a charm I woke up at 4am, snook downstairs into the kitchen and retrieved my crisps then realised I was desperate for a widdle so I went to the little boys room (I mean the toilet, just for clarifications purposes) I then snook into the living room and slipped on my noise cancelling headphones (Sony WH-1000XM4 Noise Cancelling Wireless Bluetooth NFC High Resolution Audio Over-Ear Headphones, intelligent and intuitive, which bring me closer to the listening with no distractions. Sony, tech which brings you pure sound, available at all high end audio outlets) and popped my watercolour challenge DVD into the player. Within moments, I was whisked away to a beautiful streamside in Devon where 3 amateur artists prepared to render the scene in water colours. Martin did a terrible job but at least he tried which is more than I’ve ever done.
It was time, I was ready for a new taste sensation. I got the Kentucky fried chicken flavour bag and slowly opened it with all the excitement of a small boy waiting to receive his first satchel. The bag opened! I moved it towards my face. The smell began to fill my nostrils. Mmmm savoury. Tentatively I picked up a crisp and looked at it. It was a delight to see, tight crisp ridges, waves of flavour sensations and an aroma that was fresh, exciting and appealing. I held the crisp close to my eye giving me the view of as if I were stood on a large crisp hil side, where my only view was crisp as far as the eye could see. I imagined a world where everything was made of crisp. Trees all crispy, chairs, pure corn snack and people walking round just munching on whatever they felt like. In the end it seemed like it couldn’t work, a crisp wouldn’t have the structural integrity to power the internal combustion engine. I snapped out of my crisp fantasy and placed the Kentucky fried chicken flavour crisp inside my mouth. My tongue darted hither and thither, seeking out pockets of flavour and textures. I began to chew, letting my aural cavity fill with the various sensations, flavours and scents of this new food product. After eating 8 – 14 crisps I decided they were a bit too salty for me. Nothing special.
So I moved onto the KFC Zinger burger crisps. The packaging was bright and eye catching. After the slight disappointment of the first bag of crisps I wasn’t in such reverence at this next packet so I didn’t open them with the same level of enthusiasm. I dove right in. To my shock the ridges on these crisps were much wider and after a tentative sniff I put one in my mouth. It was damn hard to crunch let me tell you! A very sturdy crisp! And the taste? It was so savoury! So damn savoury! I’d never had such a taste sensation in my mouth! And the more I ate, the more intense the flavours became! This was indeed a zinger! A zinger, dinger and minger as the youth say! What a delightful crisp you’ve invented! It’s absolutely divine.
It was so amazing I had to wake my wife up and get her to try them, and after she had stopped berating me (14 minutes of nagging) she ate a crisp. She almost immediately began crying because it was so delicious. I didn’t wake my son up to try them because he can be a right little shit early in the morning.
My wife and I went back into the living room and just sat on the sofa weeping and eating these crisps.
Boy howdy, what a game changer! Since that morning, we’ve had a bag of these every single evening. I can’t say my bowel has been particularly happy with this but with a taste so flavoursome, who cares?! Plus it gives my plumber friend some stable work.
But why were you so angry that you’ve got sick inside your slippers? Well, this past week our local Tesco hasn’t had any in stock. I just assumed the demand was so high that they have all flown from the shelves. But a Tesco urchin told me that they no longer stock these crisps and he wasn’t even sure if Walkers still made them. Well, I just burst into tears there and then! I don’t feel shame admitting this. I cried like a school girl who’s just had her Easter bonnet stolen by Gladys Horsham-Batley in the Easter parade while Vera Pattersby laughed and threw blancmange at her. My wife tried every supermarket in town but to no avail! Everywhere we looked they were gone. They still had the Kentucky fried chicken flavour (of course, because no one was buying these salty flaps) but not a single packet of Zinger burger flavour were to be found anywhere in town.
This is your salt and cracked black pepper crisps all over again! When will you stop hurting me Walkers?! What have I done to deserve this? Why do you tempt me with these delights, only to tear them away from me when I have fallen so very hard for them? You achieve such culinary glory only to snatch them away from your loyal, dedicated and hungry customers. Why do you always stop production of the best ones? You’re as bad as Cadburys with the Spira chocolates!
It’s 2 days later now, I’ve calmed down. I got so angry dictating this letter that I left a little light headed and I dropped my ornamental shire horse that I was holding for moral support. It’s lost another hoof! I didn’t mean to get so angry. A 1000 pardons.
Please tell me you’re going to bring this flavour back, I love it so and I really don’t want to go to a KFC to see if they sell a zinger burger because I’ve seen the kind of people who frequent a KFC and I don’t want to be near them. They are mostly youthful and tend to mock my sandals. I hope you can bring the joy back in my life and marriage, as my wife and I loved these crisps more than we love Countdown and that’s saying something!
All the best!
Dear Mr Thax
Thank you for taking the time to do
Sorry, but I’m not a patch on you
You made me smile with your wit today
And letting us know and have your say
It’s great to hear you’re such a fan of this flavour
But I’m afraid you may have to waiver
Because it’s one that will no longer be
Around for all to taste and see
These flavours were just for our promotion
They’ve certainly created quite a commotion
So I’ll pass your praise and comments on for you
You never know, what they may do
I’ll now bid goodbye and on my way
And wish you, Margaret and Martin a very good day
It’s great to hear from people like you
Who are grateful for all that we like to do!