Category: Letters

Complaint to Farmfoods

Dear Farmfoods customer care

I’ve never had a magical lamp, I’ve never rubbed it vigorously in the hope a mystical being would spring fourth and grant me three of my all-time wishes, which would be

  1. An end to man’s inhumanity to man (and woman)
  2. All people of all creeds and colours living in peace and harmony with each other and nature in a perfect utopian society
  3. Just loads of crisps

However, now, my top most wish is that I wish to complain in the strongest possible manor about your ‘Farmfoods Broccoli Florets’ purchased from your Bridlington branch of Farmfoods for an English pound coin.  I wish to complain in the strongest possible manor, but I shall not type ALL IN CAPITALS though the way I feel at the moment, that would be justified.  Imagine I am Mr Vincent Van Gough, let me paint you a picture with words, describing and detailing what has caused me such affront with your produce.  Enjoy, do!

Imagine this scene in your minds idea pouch, it is half past five on a mild Wednesday evening, while my darling wife of 43 years was busy in the kitchen preparing a delicious meal for us, I was busying myself in the living room trying to work the none video recorder, recorder.  It tapes telly programs without a VHS cassette, I don’t know how this dark magic works!  In time I finally found the recording of the series finale of Doctor Whom.  And just as I’d cued it to the right place my son brought in our dinner on the hostess trolley .  We all sat down to enjoy our meal whilst watching the baffling broadcast (Doctor Whu was never this confusing in the 70’s).

Our meal consisted of a roasted chicken bird with roasted potatoes and these Farmfoods broccoli Florets that I mentioned half a life time ago.  You see, I have a very picky pallet, I cannot abide the taste and texture of most green vegetables, they are abhorrent to me, but broccoli is one of the few greeneries I can tolerate.  My eating method for broccoli goes as follows

1.            Separate the broccoli from rest of food

2.            Isolate any stalk deemed too large for consumption

3.            Remove lengthy stalk, leaving green ‘head bush’

4.            If green head bush is too large segment into bite size clumps

5.            Consume

And this is what I was doing.  And after eating all the broccoli ponst my plate, save for one medium size clump I came to segment this section.  I chopped it in twain, cleaving it in two pieces.  I placed the first piece in my mouth and consumed it, seconds later I looked down as I was about to shovel the last chunk into my mouth.

That’s when it happened, that’s when everything changed! That’s when a look of horror, disbelief and shock came across my face.  I dropped my fork to my plate.  Were this a Hollywood movie film, the fork would have fallen in slow motion, I would be screaming NNNNOOO like a Darth Vader might and on screen would be revealed the cause of such emotions.

For you see, embedded in the broccoli clump, intertwined with the florets green leafy clumps, was half a small slug.  I couldn’t believe what I was looking at, I thought it might be a bit of mud or grit, somehow entrenched with the greenery.  But when I investigated further and removed the grey slimy body from the broccoli it was indeed a slug torso.

The retching began almost instantly.  I am convinced that the other half of the slug was in the other half of the broccoli head I had just consumed!  Thus meaning it was inside my tummy guts! The retching continued.  Now I’m a man of the world, I’ve eating a wide variety of foods, I’ve even once had some pasta! I didn’t care for it! But so great was my revulsion at the thought of this severed slug body I was utterly put off the rest of my meal, and I couldn’t even bring myself to have any pudding, which was proffiter rolls (from Farmfoods) and I love them a lot!

Quite frankly there is now no way I can ever eat broccoli again, how can I ever trust there won’t be a creature hiding within the fronds?  I simply don’t and can’t trust broccoli.

The only positive outcome of this whole ordeal is I know, that if I ever did become a ‘celebrity’ (which at my age is medically impossible) I would never be able to go on the celebrity jungle program and eat insects. So every cloud does have a silver lining!

I thank you for your time and patience in reading my communicate,  I attach a poor quality picture taken on my sons eye phone to show you said slug.  I cannot look at the image without feeling queasy.

Thank you again.

Cecil Thax


I no longer trust cauliflower either!



They sent a reply, just the usual stuff really, but they did send a £20 voucher to spend in farmfoods!

Dear Mr Thax

Thank you for your email.

I am concerned to hear about your recent purchase. We strive to ensure that all products supplied to us are of a standard and quality you would expect from Farmfoods. I have today forwarded your comments to the manufacturer of this product for them to look into further. If you do still have the original packaging and can let me know the best before date and batch code I can also pass that on to help with their investigation.

In the meantime, please accept my sincere apologies for the distress and inconvenience this must have caused. I would like to send you, with our compliments, a Farmfoods voucher as a gesture of goodwill.  I will send this to the address you have given below as soon as possible.

I do hope that you will continue to shop at Farmfoods as we do value your custom.

Kind regards
Andy Long

Broccoli slug


Internet Scam

Here in is my response to a communique i was sent several days ago (see below for original message)

Aspanda Development Union
Aspanda Development Union

“Dearest BARRS :Edward Abadull

May I call you Ed or Ward perchance?  Your correspondence fills me and my family with a great sadness.  Long since have we wondered what happened to Eng. Thax.  Many was the happy Christmases when he, along with his wife and only daughter would bring all the lads and lassies from the Aspanda Development Union, hence fourth known simply as Aspanda to our family home for joyous celebrations of the birth of our lord and saviour the baby of Jesus Christ of Bethlehem, Nazareth the first.

Aspanda was a champion charades player, which for a man with only one arm and no legs, was an incredible achievement.  Charades was his favourite game, probably due to his horrific speech impediment and facial spasms.  Any game that didn’t involve talking was of interest to Aspanda.  Thinking back, that’s probably why he loathed playing ITV’s Knightmare, his inability to say ‘Side Step to the left’ was the cause of his frequent and violent depressions.

We didn’t just see Aspanda, His only wife and daughter at Christmas, he would come for all the major Christian celebrations, such as Easter, Lent, St Talbots ascension, Titty day, and the crossing of Saint Nippletpinch.  Although he was a devout Buddhist he enjoyed the colours and sounds of pageantry.

I am weeping as I write this, remember old Aspanda, I feel if we are to split his 9.5 million dollars in a 70/30 split (70 to me of course) I think I should tell you a little about him.  He was a deeply ugly man, as I say, having but one arm and no legs.  His face was scared due to his love of head butting light bulbs.  He had only one good eye, which he kept in a jar on his windowsill.  He and his family lived in a small house, on wheels, in a lay by.  It was a caravan.  He often smelled of porridge and staplers. His favourite gland was the adrenal gland and he wouldn’t stay in the same room as a ghost!

Now I come to the tender subject of his money which we only have 14 official days to get to.  I would be very interested to know how he came about acquiring 9.5 million US dollars, given his keenness for betting on snail racers.  He must have won big I assume.  As stated above I wouldn’t be happy with a 50/50 split, he was my Aspanda, and very dear to me was he!  The minimum I would be happy for is now 80/20, 80 to me and my family and 20 to you and your kin.

I have made several promises to friends and well-wishers about donations to them, which range from five sterling coins to four hundred thousand to a chap so he can get his girlfriend (who is an alien) some new space age clothes, they cost a fortune from Nasa but are made from very modern fabrics indeed!

I assume all you need is my bank account details, which are as follows

Bank: Biddyton National conglomerates bank of realness

Account  no: 7 (It is an old bank account, handed down throughout the generations)

Sort code – 15 to 1

My mother’s maiden name is ‘Horrible’

And my inside leg measures 28 inches

The other is nearly 1.5 CM on a good day!

I hope to hear from you soon about Eng. Thax’s money.  My only worry is that my name Paul Thax, is but a stage name, my real name being Paul Thacks.  I can’t assume this would affect my claim on Eng. Thax’s money.

All my love

Paul Thax (Thacks)


I now want a 99/1 split in my favour!


I don’t think Deal or no deal can run on much longer!”

Dear Friend// Pls urgent information

I am Barrs : Edward Abadull, a solicitor at law. I am the personal attorney to Eng. Thax, a national of your country, who used to workwith Aspanda Development Union. Here in after aspanda be referred to as my client. On the 21st of April 2001, my client, his wife and their only daughter were involved in a car accident along sagbama express road.

All occupants of the vehicle unfortunately lost their lives.Since then I have made several inquiries to your embassy here to locate any of my client extended relatives, this has also proved unsuccessful.

After these several unsuccessful attempts, I decided to track his last name over the Internet, tolocate any member of his family hence Icontacted you. I have contacted you toassist in repatriating the fund valued at (US$9.5 million) left behind by my client before it gets Confiscated or declared unserviceable by the bank where this huge amount were deposited.

The said bank of development togolaise has issued me a notice to provide the next of kin or havethe account confiscated within the next fourteen official working days.

For the fact that I have been unsuccessfully locating the relatives for over 2 years now, I seek the consent to present you as the next of kin to the deceased, since you have the same last name with my client, so that the proceeds of this account can be paid to you.

Therefore, on receipt ofyour positive response, we shall then share the percentage as 50% for me ,50%for you.I have all necessary information and legal documents needed to back you up for claim.

All I require from you is your honest cooperation to enable ussee this transaction through.

I guarantee you that this will be executed under legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of the law.

Please get back to me through my office email address (edwardabadull()

Best regards,

BARRS :Edward Abadull (Esq)”

Complaint to Sainsbury’s

Dear Sir/Madam

My name is Cecil, I’m 83, I am having my son type this document out as these computer machines baffle and anger me.  I used one on a free course 7 years ago and I can honestly say I would die happy if I never touched one of these accursed machines again.  I won’t even have a microwave!  If the lord meant for us to have hot floppy bread, he wouldn’t have invented the toaster!

This is by the by.  I am dictating to you because of an incident that happened in your Scarborough Sainsbury’s store on the 24th of November in the year of our lord 2012.

I was happily doing my shopping, I’d got my usual Marmite, crisp breads and prawn cocktail mixture (along with the other usual everyday sundries tartar sauce, baking powder, a harmonica, Baby Bio composite and Pepplestons) when I suddenly became aware of a high pitched chirping noise being emitted all around.  During the war sirens were let out loud and long so you knew danger was coming, but I thought this noise was that of a youth’s mobular telephone, so I ignored it and continued searching for Nestles semi sweet.

It was shortly after this a creeping sense of dread filled my soul, I realised I was alone, frightened and alone.  I lost my mother in a super market.  She didn’t die, I mean I became separated from her and couldn’t find her.  In the end she was found trying to decipher what VHS stood for.  We never did find out!

However, as I paraded up the isle that has all the strange expensive foods for those with wheat allergies (a very unfortunate condition and one that should never be mocked) a very nice young man came and informed me that the store was being evacuated.  Unlike my bowels, this evacuation was smooth, quick and pain free.  However I had to leave my trolley and all my shopping behind, including some delicious looking bully beef which was reduced greatly.  Isn’t food expensive these days?  This meant I had left my pound coin bit in the trolley.  I stood outside as we waited for the fire brigade service to arrive, but time was relentlessly marching on and I had to get home.

I had no option but to venture to the highly undesirable shopping store that is Tesco to purchase my evening meal.  Which in the end was bland and disappointing, and I saw Clive, which is always unpleasant.  Then to cap it off, the rain on the walk home was nigh on torrential.

So I am asking, if possible, could you please post back to me my one pound coin bit that I used and left in the trolley, unless you need it to cover the costs of having to re-stack all the items I left in the trolley.  I’m very sorry I didn’t come back in, I understand the bond that is formed once a customer has placed items inside their trolley or hand basket, those items are sacrosanct and should be treated as such, so if you wish to reappropriate my pound as an administrative charge for the re stacking of these products I understand and respect your decision.

I wish you well Sir or Madam


Evacuate FIRE!

Reply below


Dear Mr Thax

Thanks for your email. I’m sorry that you had to evacuate our Scarborough store. I can understand your disappointment, especially as this caused you to lose your pound coin and later resulted in you having to shop elsewhere.

We want our customers to have a pleasant and enjoyable experience when shopping with us. Unfortunately, on this visit, this wasn’t the case.

I called the store and spoke with Joule Foster, Customer Service Manager. She was disappointed to learn that you forgot your pound coin and would like to apologise on behalf of the store.

Joule advised that the alarm was triggered due to a small fire which was created in the toilets. Joule informed me that it was a group of kids who were responsible. The store was evacuated and the fire service gave the all clear after 25 minutes.

Joule would like to reassure you that it’s the customers’ decision on whether to return to the store after it has been evacuated and that they understand if you didn’t have the time to return and continue your shopping.

In light of your experience, I’ve arranged for a £5 gift card to be sent to you, accompanied with a trolley token, which you can use in place of a pound coin. Hopefully, you can use the gift card towards buying your usual marmite and crisp breads on your next visit. Please allow 72 hours from receipt for the balance on the card to become active.

Just so you know, VHS is an abbreviation for Vide Home System.

We’re grateful for you taking the time to contact us and we look forward to seeing you in store again soon.

Kind regards

Scott Kilpatrick