Tag: complaint

Complaint to Farmfoods

Dear Farmfoods customer care

I’ve never had a magical lamp, I’ve never rubbed it vigorously in the hope a mystical being would spring fourth and grant me three of my all-time wishes, which would be

  1. An end to man’s inhumanity to man (and woman)
  2. All people of all creeds and colours living in peace and harmony with each other and nature in a perfect utopian society
  3. Just loads of crisps

However, now, my top most wish is that I wish to complain in the strongest possible manor about your ‘Farmfoods Broccoli Florets’ purchased from your Bridlington branch of Farmfoods for an English pound coin.  I wish to complain in the strongest possible manor, but I shall not type ALL IN CAPITALS though the way I feel at the moment, that would be justified.  Imagine I am Mr Vincent Van Gough, let me paint you a picture with words, describing and detailing what has caused me such affront with your produce.  Enjoy, do!

Imagine this scene in your minds idea pouch, it is half past five on a mild Wednesday evening, while my darling wife of 43 years was busy in the kitchen preparing a delicious meal for us, I was busying myself in the living room trying to work the none video recorder, recorder.  It tapes telly programs without a VHS cassette, I don’t know how this dark magic works!  In time I finally found the recording of the series finale of Doctor Whom.  And just as I’d cued it to the right place my son brought in our dinner on the hostess trolley .  We all sat down to enjoy our meal whilst watching the baffling broadcast (Doctor Whu was never this confusing in the 70’s).

Our meal consisted of a roasted chicken bird with roasted potatoes and these Farmfoods broccoli Florets that I mentioned half a life time ago.  You see, I have a very picky pallet, I cannot abide the taste and texture of most green vegetables, they are abhorrent to me, but broccoli is one of the few greeneries I can tolerate.  My eating method for broccoli goes as follows

1.            Separate the broccoli from rest of food

2.            Isolate any stalk deemed too large for consumption

3.            Remove lengthy stalk, leaving green ‘head bush’

4.            If green head bush is too large segment into bite size clumps

5.            Consume

And this is what I was doing.  And after eating all the broccoli ponst my plate, save for one medium size clump I came to segment this section.  I chopped it in twain, cleaving it in two pieces.  I placed the first piece in my mouth and consumed it, seconds later I looked down as I was about to shovel the last chunk into my mouth.

That’s when it happened, that’s when everything changed! That’s when a look of horror, disbelief and shock came across my face.  I dropped my fork to my plate.  Were this a Hollywood movie film, the fork would have fallen in slow motion, I would be screaming NNNNOOO like a Darth Vader might and on screen would be revealed the cause of such emotions.

For you see, embedded in the broccoli clump, intertwined with the florets green leafy clumps, was half a small slug.  I couldn’t believe what I was looking at, I thought it might be a bit of mud or grit, somehow entrenched with the greenery.  But when I investigated further and removed the grey slimy body from the broccoli it was indeed a slug torso.

The retching began almost instantly.  I am convinced that the other half of the slug was in the other half of the broccoli head I had just consumed!  Thus meaning it was inside my tummy guts! The retching continued.  Now I’m a man of the world, I’ve eating a wide variety of foods, I’ve even once had some pasta! I didn’t care for it! But so great was my revulsion at the thought of this severed slug body I was utterly put off the rest of my meal, and I couldn’t even bring myself to have any pudding, which was proffiter rolls (from Farmfoods) and I love them a lot!

Quite frankly there is now no way I can ever eat broccoli again, how can I ever trust there won’t be a creature hiding within the fronds?  I simply don’t and can’t trust broccoli.

The only positive outcome of this whole ordeal is I know, that if I ever did become a ‘celebrity’ (which at my age is medically impossible) I would never be able to go on the celebrity jungle program and eat insects. So every cloud does have a silver lining!

I thank you for your time and patience in reading my communicate,  I attach a poor quality picture taken on my sons eye phone to show you said slug.  I cannot look at the image without feeling queasy.

Thank you again.

Cecil Thax


I no longer trust cauliflower either!



They sent a reply, just the usual stuff really, but they did send a £20 voucher to spend in farmfoods!

Dear Mr Thax

Thank you for your email.

I am concerned to hear about your recent purchase. We strive to ensure that all products supplied to us are of a standard and quality you would expect from Farmfoods. I have today forwarded your comments to the manufacturer of this product for them to look into further. If you do still have the original packaging and can let me know the best before date and batch code I can also pass that on to help with their investigation.

In the meantime, please accept my sincere apologies for the distress and inconvenience this must have caused. I would like to send you, with our compliments, a Farmfoods voucher as a gesture of goodwill.  I will send this to the address you have given below as soon as possible.

I do hope that you will continue to shop at Farmfoods as we do value your custom.

Kind regards
Andy Long

Broccoli slug


Complaint to Sainsbury’s

Dear Sir/Madam

My name is Cecil, I’m 83, I am having my son type this document out as these computer machines baffle and anger me.  I used one on a free course 7 years ago and I can honestly say I would die happy if I never touched one of these accursed machines again.  I won’t even have a microwave!  If the lord meant for us to have hot floppy bread, he wouldn’t have invented the toaster!

This is by the by.  I am dictating to you because of an incident that happened in your Scarborough Sainsbury’s store on the 24th of November in the year of our lord 2012.

I was happily doing my shopping, I’d got my usual Marmite, crisp breads and prawn cocktail mixture (along with the other usual everyday sundries tartar sauce, baking powder, a harmonica, Baby Bio composite and Pepplestons) when I suddenly became aware of a high pitched chirping noise being emitted all around.  During the war sirens were let out loud and long so you knew danger was coming, but I thought this noise was that of a youth’s mobular telephone, so I ignored it and continued searching for Nestles semi sweet.

It was shortly after this a creeping sense of dread filled my soul, I realised I was alone, frightened and alone.  I lost my mother in a super market.  She didn’t die, I mean I became separated from her and couldn’t find her.  In the end she was found trying to decipher what VHS stood for.  We never did find out!

However, as I paraded up the isle that has all the strange expensive foods for those with wheat allergies (a very unfortunate condition and one that should never be mocked) a very nice young man came and informed me that the store was being evacuated.  Unlike my bowels, this evacuation was smooth, quick and pain free.  However I had to leave my trolley and all my shopping behind, including some delicious looking bully beef which was reduced greatly.  Isn’t food expensive these days?  This meant I had left my pound coin bit in the trolley.  I stood outside as we waited for the fire brigade service to arrive, but time was relentlessly marching on and I had to get home.

I had no option but to venture to the highly undesirable shopping store that is Tesco to purchase my evening meal.  Which in the end was bland and disappointing, and I saw Clive, which is always unpleasant.  Then to cap it off, the rain on the walk home was nigh on torrential.

So I am asking, if possible, could you please post back to me my one pound coin bit that I used and left in the trolley, unless you need it to cover the costs of having to re-stack all the items I left in the trolley.  I’m very sorry I didn’t come back in, I understand the bond that is formed once a customer has placed items inside their trolley or hand basket, those items are sacrosanct and should be treated as such, so if you wish to reappropriate my pound as an administrative charge for the re stacking of these products I understand and respect your decision.

I wish you well Sir or Madam


Evacuate FIRE!

Reply below


Dear Mr Thax

Thanks for your email. I’m sorry that you had to evacuate our Scarborough store. I can understand your disappointment, especially as this caused you to lose your pound coin and later resulted in you having to shop elsewhere.

We want our customers to have a pleasant and enjoyable experience when shopping with us. Unfortunately, on this visit, this wasn’t the case.

I called the store and spoke with Joule Foster, Customer Service Manager. She was disappointed to learn that you forgot your pound coin and would like to apologise on behalf of the store.

Joule advised that the alarm was triggered due to a small fire which was created in the toilets. Joule informed me that it was a group of kids who were responsible. The store was evacuated and the fire service gave the all clear after 25 minutes.

Joule would like to reassure you that it’s the customers’ decision on whether to return to the store after it has been evacuated and that they understand if you didn’t have the time to return and continue your shopping.

In light of your experience, I’ve arranged for a £5 gift card to be sent to you, accompanied with a trolley token, which you can use in place of a pound coin. Hopefully, you can use the gift card towards buying your usual marmite and crisp breads on your next visit. Please allow 72 hours from receipt for the balance on the card to become active.

Just so you know, VHS is an abbreviation for Vide Home System.

We’re grateful for you taking the time to contact us and we look forward to seeing you in store again soon.

Kind regards

Scott Kilpatrick