Tag: cecil

Old man in Skyrim – Part 10

The Premise
Skyrim is a vast sprawling game, you can pretty much do anything you want, so I decided to live in Skyrim, to see how an old man coped with the harsh environment and bizarre folk that inhabit this land. This is my tale!

The Rules
80 year old man in Skyrim.
Only doing what an average 80 year old can do.
No constantly running, using shouts (special powerful magics), magic or fast travel.
No murder or stealing or anything unethical, should always try to run away from a fight.
Read part seven here – https://radiothax.com/2013/11/05/old-man-in-skyrim-9/

Day 12
I try to leave the inn in Rorikstead, but the son of the inn keeper take me to one side and begs me to ask his father to let him move out! He wants to be an adventurer like me, I try and tell him I’m a bard first and adventurer second, and adventuring is an horrific and violent past time which will very drastically shorten your life’s expectancy. He’s not interested. I get the feeling the term ‘adventurer’ might have a double meaning, I’ve never been very good with the youth and their lingos.

I'll make you an offer you can refuse
I’ll make you an offer you can refuse

I speak to the chaps father only because he’s stood about 12 feet away from us, he tries to give me some sob story about his son not having protection and would I mind buying him a set of armour. The cheeky bastard! I tell him my patronage has given him enough coin to buy his son a fancy hat like mine, he’s not interested. Why does he expect me to fund his kids gap year? Has he never heard of a savings account? In the end the inn keepers story becomes so sob based I give him 75 gold to shut him up, I’m an old softy at heart. I go outside and tell the son he is free to go ‘adventuring’ with whomever he likes, he even has ‘protection’, he asks about the horrible things I’ve seen, so I try and direct him to this blog but he just carries on harvesting cabbages, I’m not sure he’s ever heard of the internet.

Probably be dead in two hours
Probably be dead in two hours

Now I’m leaving, one more step and it will be the furthest I’ve ever been!

Within 2 minutes of my travel I seen another band of guards and a prisoner marching across the land, have these people never heard of cars? In the distance I can see some very interesting rocks, but my ankles are giving me some jip so I ignore them and walk on.

About a mile down the road I start to hear voices, not the usual ones in my head telling me to put on another cardigan, but rather two men and woman arguing, being a true gentleman I feel honour bound to go and make sure the little lady is ok. By the time I stagger over to her the men have left and she’s hiding in a bush, she’s very racist, I leave her and her small minded opinions.

Things I never expected to see on this journey number 1: Racists bush lady!

Only people born in this bush should live in this bush!
Only people born in this bush should live in this bush!

I can see a very tall phallus in the distance. How can I pass up and opportunity to check it out? Well, I couldn’t and what do I find at its base? Not stone testicles, no a sword and a shield, ahh symbolic!
I head back to the road and spot this giant chap lumbering along, he doesn’t seem to want to talk so I leave him be, then further down the road I find this odd cow, it looks like someone’s had too much to drink and gone a graffitiing!

Urban James Herriot
Urban James Herriot

I’m contemplating how the cow could have maybe done this to herself then realise it’s very quiet! Far too quiet, for you see, Meeko is a very noisy doggy, he often barks for no reason, I like this, it lets me know he’s alive, but now no barks are to be heard, I search around for him but to no avail, where’s my Meeko? Then a wolf springs out at me from a bush, is the wolf racist? I’ll never know because as luck would have it another guard/prison group appear and leap to my aid. They dispatch the wolf and walk away. Then Meeko bounds up to me as if nothing’s happened. No indication as to where he’s been, probably chasing rabbits or pooing. I chastise him for leaving me, it was a good job I didn’t have to defend myself because I’m struggling with all this exercise, I’m in my 80’s I really shouldn’t be walking across half the world like this!

Eventually I reach a point where I have a huge decision to make, I can either continue on the path im walking on which will take me through a snowy pass with mountains, or I can take the southern path which has a nice lake but gets even more snowy than the other path. It’s either snow and hills or lake, snow and very steep. I will make camp and sleep on it, a decision this big cannot be made lightly.

It's a sign!
It’s a sign! A sign of things to come! A sign of our time! And so on…

Day 13
I wake up early, around 6am, I lay in my warm fur bed roll for 3 hours contemplating the two paths, this is such a huge decision, one I cannot rush into.

Come 10am I toss a coin to decide my fate.

It’s heads, I go North, I wish I had bought a warm tunic.

I begin down the northern pass and spot the painted cow, it try talking to her, she can’t talk, she’s a cow, I try riding her but she’s too tall and I can’t lift my legs high enough. I join her on her journey, she’s heading my way, with her and Meeko I’m kind of like a Pied piper of Skyrim, I knew being a bard would come in handy.

Out of a bush a lizard man jumps out at me, what is it with people in bushes in these parts? He demands all my monies, how does he know I even have money? Who am I kidding with a hat as fancy as mine, how could I not have wealth? He again demands my money, I try persuading him not to rob me. He isn’t convinced and would be very keen if I handed over the cash asap. I say no, he gets angry, Meeko leaps to my defence, the thief dies! As is my custom, I loot his dead evil corpse, he tried to rob me, it’s only fair I return the favour, he doesn’t put up a fight, I love it when a corpse stays dead!

Mr Lizard, taken too soon because he's a bastard!
Mr Lizard, taken too soon because he’s a bastard!

It’s been a long days walk so I make camp in a nice quiet spot. I make a point of checking all the nearby bushes for people!

Day 14
I wake up early again, I thought I heard a rustling in a nearby bush, but it was just Meeko weeing. In my haste to get some sleep last night, I didn’t notice I had made camp right next to a huge rib cage, I don’t want to meet the creature that is comes from, it’s massive!

Meeko, tent, giant rib cage!
Meeko, tent, giant rib cage!

The air is crisp and clean, the sky is speckled with cloud, birds are singing, the day looks like it’s shaping up to be lovely, so why do I have a grown sense of dread? Probably something to do with being able to see a huge fort in the distance, from my experience they contain either skellingtons or murderous bandits, I sneak forward to have a look.

I climb a small hill then spy another strange collection of stones, they look unlike anything I’ve ever seen before, I sneak forward, there is no one around so I have a little investigate.

Skyrim postcard 4282
Skyrim postcard 4282

There are strange pillars with symbols on and a lever, I can rotate the pillars and pull the lever but nothing happens, I spend five minutes playing around then it dawns on me I might be trespassing, so I quickly hobble back to the road.

I’m instantly set upon by two wolves, Meeko and my arrows make them less alive, I skin them and continue my walk.

In front of me, just lying on the road is a huge dead elk, it seems a shame to let all this meat and fur go to waste, I get my dagger out to skin and take some meat when it dawns on me, someone else may have hunted and killed this, it doesn’t belong to me, what was I doing? My moral compass has gone askew recently, looting thieves, trespassing, playing with pillars and harvesting flesh of dead animals I’ve not hunted. What have I become? No, this isn’t me, no more will I steal from the dead, if I want food or items, I have to buy the, I have to earn my own money by working for it myself and not just picking up what I find, which ironically means I go about picking up what I can find, in that I go picking every wild flower and herb I can see!

No Meeko, you can't eat it!
No Meeko, you can’t eat it!

Later in the day I bump into a farmer who is leading the graphitized cow, I press him for some answers. Apparently the cow is an offering to some giants so they won’t eat his livestock. I can’t resist but to offer my help, he politely tells me to go away.

I don’t go away, I sneak after him so see what happens, how often are you going to see something like this in your life? I follow him, he keeps looking back at me, but doesn’t tell me to go away, we’re basically best friends now. The cow seems hesitant almost as if she knows what fate is about to befall her. When we get to the giant camp there are mammoths! I bet they are the ones with the giant rib cages.

Like meals on wheels, but this meal is on legs!
Like meals on wheels, but this meal is on legs!

The mammoths do not like this farmer’s presence at all, they both trumpet at him angrily, this alerts the giant who comes running over and with one almighty thwack from his club, turns the farmer into a human pizza of guts and smush! Thank god I’m far enough away to not incur the wrath of the giant or mammoths! I look round to check on Meeko. He’s nowhere to be seen, I walk all around the giants camp, I can see 2 wolves in the distance but no Meeko!

You turn to jam in 3..2..1..
You turn to jam in 3..2..1..

I walk near the camp fire to warm up, the graffiti cow has the same idea, I can see the wolves approaching, without my canine protector I am doomed, there is no river to escape into here. I try and hide next to the cow, that’s when I spy Meeko, he’s stood by the mammoths, I try and get closer to make him follow me, but not so close I get turned into human jam by the giant, let’s hope I’m as sneaky as I am old!

Meeko?

Meeko what are you doing?

Meeko no, bad dog!!

No, Meeko stop!!

Meeko, nnnoooooooo!!!

Bad dog!
Bad dog!

Meeko starts a fight with the mammoths, it’s a fight he can never win! Every time I get near him, he runs away to attack the mammoths once more, the only thing I can do it stand in front of him, but no matter how much I try and block him, once he recovers a bit he takes off after the mammoths again. He’s stuck, the blood lust has got the better of him, he is determined to murder the mammoths but they’re so powerful he can’t do any damage to them, they just kick him away and I can’t talk him out of it! Meeko is lost to me!

I have two options
1. Kill both mammoths and the giant
2. Abandon Meeko, leave him to his eternal struggle with the giant beasts, leave him, turn my back on him, my only true friend and protector!

There is no way on earth or Skyrim I could kill both mammoths and the giant, if Meeko can’t do any damage to it, what chance do I have?

I have to apply some cold hard clinical logic here, I do the only logical thing I can do!

Very bad dog!
Very bad dog!

Next time – Parting is such sweet sorrow

Old man in Skyrim – Part 1

The Premise

Skyrim is a vast sprawling game, you can pretty much do anything you want, so I decided to live in Skyrim, to see how an old man coped with the harsh environment and bizarre folk that inhabit this land. This is my tale!

The Rules

80 year old man in Skyrim.

Only doing what an average 80 year old can do.

No constantly running, using shouts (special powerful magics), magic or fast travel.

No murder or stealing or anything unethical, should always try to run away from a fight.

Skyrim

It begins – day 1
I’m an average 80 year old man, I’m frail, small and scared of youths. I have no knowledge of quantum entanglement or particle physics, so imagine my surprise that I find myself in a strange land, a cold, mountainous land. I’m Cecil Thax and I’m an old man stuck in Skyrim!

Cecil, a proud and chilly man
Cecil, a proud and chilly man

I’ve no idea how I’ve appeared in this land, where I am or what’s happening. But being a get up and go sort of fellow I immediately decide to just accept my bizarre new fate.

In the distance I can see a town on an amazing stone outcrop. Unfortunately between me and this settlement is a series of steep cliffs. The other direction is a large, very fast flowing river. I’m not a strong swimmer by any means and it looks very cold, so I’m not about to go for a quick paddle if only for the fact I’ve always suffered from severe penile shrinkage in cold water.

Signs of civilization
Signs of civilization

The only direction viable is towards a large waterwheel. There must be civilization there, I decide it’s a good a place as any to get some information about my current situation. I begin my quest, to discover the inhabitants of a water powered building of some sort. As I make my way towards the wheel something seems wrong, I can’t quite put my finger on it, but I’ve noticed something isn’t right, it’s more than being deeply worried that I’ve just appeared in a strange land with no knowledge of the who, what, whens and whys of how I got here. It’s more a general feeling of intense cold. Intense cold all over my body.

I realize I’m naked!

Thank god for the modesty flap
Thank god for the modesty flap

Save for a small modesty loin cloth, all my bits and bobbles are exposed to the cold mountain air, severe genital shrinkage has occurred. I need clothes, though there’s nothing I can do about it, I’m no thief. Even if I wanted to steal clothes, the best I could cobble together at the moment would be a wood pile and cobblestone suit, and that would probably chafe more than my old skin would be happy with. I walk around the water powered building and come to the conclusion that it’s probably some kind of water powered saw mill. The piles of wood everywhere are my first hint, also the giant saw cutting up wood is a clue.

A prude at 10am
A prude at 10am

It’s here I come into contact with my first inhabitant of this land.

The only thing he says to me is to put some clothes on! Despite my continued questioning, all he is concerned about is covering up my chest, in a way I admire him for his concern for my well being. In a way. In another way I wish he would give me a tunic or just some jodhpurs, my bum’s really cold.

I walk around the saw mill until I meet another gentleman, who asks me to chop as much would as I can. Me? A man of my age? I doubt I could even lift the axe he’s offering me. He isn’t too concerned about my undress, he just seems interested in me doing manual labour for him. I’ve not been here five minutes and I’ve already been offered a job, he didn’t even ask for any references. I ignore his requests and begin the long arduous walk up several steep inclines to the town I saw on my arrival.

As I walk up I’m joined by a knight or guard, it’s hard to know what he is exactly because he refuses to talk to me at all. Then again if I met a nude old man half way up a steep hill, I’d be hard pushed to think of areas of small talk. When I finally reach the top of the hill, I see a man with a horse and cart, a quick chat later and I find out he’s willing to drive me anywhere I want to go. Where was he when I was at the bottom of this damn hill? Though he quickly withdraws his kind offer when I inform him I haven’t got a single penny to my name, you’d think my nudity would have given him a clue, where did he think I was hiding a coin purse?

I enter what I find out is the town gates of Solitude. Before I get my bearings I hear and see a hubbub in the town square. Is there a gymkhana or jamboree?

Short back and sides sir?
Short back and sides sir?

Oh no, it’s just a public execution. A PUBLIC EXECUTION?! What the hell kind of country is this? I’ve no idea why this man is to be murdered or why the town’s people seem very keen to see this man become one head lighter.

For some reason I decide to watch the whole thing from the front row. I hope public nudity isn’t punishable by death. The people in charge shout his crimes, referencing people and places I’ve never heard of. I find it quite hard to follow, also my nipples are very cold.

And don't do it again!
And don’t do it again!

I need clothes badly. But I have no money and refuse to steal any. So I need to get a job, but who’s going to employ a naked old man? Well, a saw mill worker but as I’m too weak to lift an axe I’ve had to turn down his generous offer. If only there were some clothes just lying around. Just lying around not being used anymore. Just lying around not being used anymore because their owner is minus one head.

I’m not proud of myself but after all the town’s folk and officials leave, they leave the headless corpse there, just lying on the plinth letting a nice outfit go to waste! I figure the dead man’s ownership of clothes is somewhat of a legal grey area, so I ‘borrow’ them. I now sport a fetching cloth sack outfit!

The height of fashion!
The height of fashion!

I sit a while in a nearby public garden. Night is slowly falling. I’ve no idea where I’m going to sleep or how I’m going to eat or drink. Where would I go for my weekly bingo games? All very important questions and none that I can answer right now. Then as if to add insult to injury I go through my newly acquired (and still corpse warm) pockets and find a book telling me that the cold is fatal here. Even getting wet will make me poorly, and how important it was that I wrap up warm. It looks like my fetching new garments won’t be good enough.

To keep warm I decide to walk through Solitude. I talk to a few people, a strange lizard gentleman asks me if I will steal things for him, I cut him off mid-sentence and walk away from him and his nefarious life style, tutting in derision as I do. Though I quickly stop this when I realize he has a massive sword.

After a while I spot a nice fountain in the distance, I go closer to take a look. There’s something about this fountain I like but I can’t put my finger on it.

Fun for all the family
Fun for all the family

I go close to take a look, and before I realize it I’ve slipped and am standing in the full flow of the water, getting utterly drenched! I get out and try and dry off, not an easy task. Quickly flicking through the book I was recently reading, I turn to the page about being wet. Yes, it will eventually kill me!

I walk as fast as I can to find a fire to warm myself up, when I happen upon a young lady, who enthusiastically starts talking to me, maybe she has a thing for 80 year olds in dripping wet cloth sack outfits. As it turns out she is a bard, and her collage is looking for other people to join their ranks. I’ve always been keen on taking some further education so I ask more about this ‘bards college’ she mentions ever other word.

Bards, those musical type people who wander the land singing tales of heroes and heroines. I am a musician too, I work in the medium of Blues, so the chance to work with other bards, writing sonnets and music interests me greatly. I’m in the town of solitude, which seems like it would be perfect for blues, both sound self-pitying and depressing. After speaking with the woman more, she asks me to go fetch a poem for her. I can do that, I love a good library. Then she tells me that the poem has been misplaced in ‘Dead Men’s Respite’.

Maybe it’s just a name? It might be lovely inside.

I sit by a roaring public fire, drying off my tunic and contemplate my options.

Smart, handsome and warm. I'm one of those three!
Smart, handsome and warm. I’m one of those three!

Maybe it’s just a name, maybe?!

Part 2 here – https://radiothax.com/2013/09/06/old-man-in-skyrim-2/

German Holiday Part 7

29th September

Watch the visuals of today here!

We were up at whatever time it is before the sun gets up.  About 5am.  We had a mad dash round and got the main luggage’s in the bus, then had to wait nearly an hour before they opened up the restaurant for breakfast.  Dad was not happy.  He’d been asleep all night snoring like a gibbon and keeping me from slumbering.  I don’t know how mum sleeps in the same room as him.  Not only does he snore but he speaks in his sleep too.  He said “there’s mince on the valance” 4 times in the night!

When we finally got to get breakfast there was a whole plate of salami and no other ‘meats’ so I just took the whole plate.  But a nasty Scottish woman challenged me and I had to take it back.  I did help myself to 10 slices of it and 5 of cheese and 2 buns with poppy seeds on them. I hope I get drugged tested because I will test positive for opium, unless that’s an urban myth.

After breakfast we all sat on the bus and waited.  We waited for half an hour and then Ian and Linda turned up. Clearly they had no breakfast and had slept through their alarm.  Linda had a face like an angry German after she’s just heard they are all out of wiener schnitzel.  They stormed to the back of the bus and we set off late. Bigglesworth was not happy!

We were on the bus for nigh on 5 hours until we had a stop at some services in Luxemburg.  We couldn’t afford the sandwiches, they cost 5 Euros each and they all had salad in them.  So I got some crisps and a bar of chocolate, but I was too sleepy to eat them.  I had been drifting in an out of consciousness all morning on the bus.  I kept seeing giant spiders; I think I must be very tired.

We set off from the services and almost immediately hit a traffic jam.  Quite literally!  We were slowing driving along with the traffic when some foolish person decided that they couldn’t be bothered sitting in a traffic jam so they reversed up the hard shoulder, trying to reverse passed us.  The only problem was they had a trailer and as they reversed it went off at an angle and crashed into us as we were travelling about 15 miles an hour.  There was a huge scraping noise and all the old ladies on the bus screamed.  Bigglesworth shouted “agh ya French imbecile” and he stopped the bus and stormed out at the driver who had crashed into us.  I couldn’t see the damage and still haven’t seen how bad it is, but several of the old men got off the bus and went to be nosy while Bigglesworth was taking the insurance details of the crasher.

Crash, ahhh! Scraped everyone of us!

We then sat in a traffic jam for about 3 hours.  No one said anything for ages, until it became apparent that we might miss the ferry back to Hull because we were so delayed.  But good old Biggleworth broke all the speed laws and he got us to the ferry on time!  With almost 10 minutes to spare!

We got on the ferry with little bother, save for Dad got stopped going through the passport thing while 2 people had to come and look at his photo.  I knew his weird expression on it would get us into trouble!  When we got on the ferry it set off almost instantly.  It’s not the same ferry we came on but it’s virtually identical, except that this one vibrates a bit more.  I am terrified that we will have a repeat of Dads vomitothon tonight or that I will get sick too.  No please don’t Neptune, I’ll be good!

We went for tea, it’s buffet all you can eat style but the prospect of sicking it all up again made me not want much.  I only had 2 pizzas and 4 ice cream tubs.  We sat in the bar for a long while, Cecil just looking off into the middle distance.  He was apparently contemplating the whole ‘[SPOILER’] situation.  Though he came to no conclusion.  And also he kept having flash backs to being in the navy.

Were both in bed now.  Not the same bed, I’m in the top bunk while Cecil is in the bottom bunk.  My bed is again incredibly narrow, I just know I will fall out of it tonight.  Not only that but our room is surrounded by German teenagers. I can clearly hear every word they are saying, unfortunately it’s all in German so I don’t know what they are talking about.  Probably what’s hip, cool and ‘with it’ in the mean streets of Berlin (that’s what Dad thinks they are talking about).   I wish they would shut up or sod off, preferably both!  There is a gap of about 2 inches under the door so sound travels.  They may as well be talking in our room.  The whole boat is vibrating, it’s like sitting in a giant erm thing that vibrates.

I’m going to sleep now, I fear what the next 10 hours will hold!!

German Holiday Part 6

28th September

Watch the shenanigans here


Today was our ‘free day’ I asked the driver if we get some money back if the day is free. He just walked away laughing. What it meant was that they were serving breakfast from 8am till 10am so we got to sleep in! So of course Dad was up at 7 am as usual, faffing about doing god knows what. I managed to get back to sleep till about 10 to nine when he started thunking about the place on purpose to wake me up. We went for breakfast at 9 o clock. All the meat and cheeses had gone! There was 2 ‘sweet rolls’ left. I had them. Dad had melon. It only took us 8 minutes. If only tea would take that long!

The hotel people were putting on a tour of the local village but as the local village is only 2 churches and a stream and some houses we didn’t go on it. All the other biddies went on it though, we could see them all lined up waiting from our window. They all seem to be making friends. But they all ignore me and Dad, were outcasts! And that’s how I like it! If there is one thing I hate, it’s making small talk with old people for 2 hours on an evening. So they can all go jump from a long pier onto a short road. Or whatever the saying is!

So this morn we took ourselves off on a nature hike. I don’t know why I agreed to it. Probably because Dad said he would buy whatever I wanted from the little shop. I hadn’t even seen a little shop, but there was one. It was a bit quaint and they didn’t have much stuff, I made Dad buy me some crisps, chocolate and a magazine I thought would have naked ladies in. But it was just full of German crosswords. The woman also tried to sell Dad a tin of red cabbage because it was dinted, he refused but she kept asking him ‘You buy? Very taste!’ Dad nearly walked out, but she shut up and just charged us for our lunch items. I asked Dad for a pretzel, he came out with a bread bun and a mini croissant. Though I didn’t know that at the time or again I would have refused to go on the walk.

We began our ‘walk’ by following some yellow diamonds painted on trees; these are like public footpaths back in England. We enjoyed walking down a nice path along a sheep field, all the sheep came and baa’ed at us. Dad stroked them on the nose. I thought that was dirty! He agreed and tried not to touch his face or food with that hand for the duration of the walk.

Cheeky little squirrel

We then followed the yellow diamonds up a bit of a hill. And when I say ‘up a bit of a hill’ I mean we walked for 2 hours almost vertically up the side of a mountain covered in trees. It was the single most exhausting 2 hours of my life. Every bench we came to I had to sit down and have a rest. Dad said we couldn’t have the lunch until we got to the top. But we never seemed to get to the top. Though we did have great fun spotting the local insects. And by fun I mean I flinched at everything. There were beetles flying at my face, cobwebs across the path, caterpillars floating in midair somehow, crickets jumping around us and the biggest ant hill I had ever seen. It was like the one the old German man and young German man sat on in the program I saw last night. I told Dad to go sit on it. He slapped my arse.

Finally we reached the top. Dad got out the food from the shop and I got to see what else he had bought. He had bought the crisps, the pretzel/breadbun mix up, his tiny croissant, the chocolate which turned out to be full of fruit and a square of yeast for some reason. So we shared the crisps and bread products then I tried to have a little sleep. I was nearly nodding off when I heard “ahhu waths thus nuuu, oh hallo ya wee babby”. It was a Scottish or Geordie couple from the coach. I don’t really the difference they all sounds incoherent to me. They came and sat with us on the bench and even helped themselves to our cube of yeast.

After about 5 incredibly awkward minutes of small talk (neither me or dad could understand a word they were saying), Dad said “ahh well we must be getting back to the hotel” so the bastards joined us on the walk back down the side of the mountain.

Linda and Ian they were called I think, they walked with us and kept talking but we couldn’t tell what it was about. We came to a fork in the road and none of us knew if we should go left or right. Both looked like they went down so we took the road on the right. This was the wrong road. After a while the road became a path, then the path became a narrow path, then just a tiny track, then it just looked like where the rain water travels down the hill. It was incredibly treacherous to walk down. I kept slipping as did everyone else.

We got to a bit which was just mud going almost vertically down. Linda had a mini freak out and said she was going back, Ian had an argument with her in scotch, I couldn’t understand him. But shortly after Linda stormed down the muddy bit with no bother, Ian then followed but he slipped right at the top and fell down, then rolled down then skidded on his face. Once he came to the bottom of the hill he just lay there, we were convinced he was dead. Linda didn’t even look back she just kept walking, leaving me and Dad to deal with him. We took our time and got down the slope to Ian. He was awake but apparently he had broken something, we weren’t sure what. He got up and started walking, so it wasn’t his legs. He shouted at Linda at the top of his voice, she ignored him. He was covered in wet mud from head to toe, and he had ants on him apparently.

We took another 3 hours to get back to the hotel via scary paths and tracks. Dad kept saying there were bears in these woods. And I don’t know if he was kidding or not. Once we got back to the village Ian ran away from us. He’d not said much since Linda had run ahead. This is why I hate people, they are all confusing bastards.

Me and Dad have just been sat in the hotel room all afternoon with our feet in water because they ache so much. I never ever want to walk up a mountain again! We’re going for our final tea here in an hour and a half. I dread to think how long it will take to be served tonight!

A miracle has happened! Its twenty to eight and were back from tea! I have never seen service like it. Well that’s not true, I have seen relatively slow service many times in hotels, but for this place it’s practically light speed. As soon as we had finished our soups, the wait was only about 10 minutes for our main course. Which was massive sausage! It was quite nice but Cecil kept getting lumps and spitting them at me because he had, had a beer he was quite merry. It was almost enough to put me off my food. But it didn’t. Then for pudding it was bright green jelly. I haven’t had jelly in decades so it was a nice surprise. Though it did take them 32 minutes from us finishing our main meal to them serving the pudding.

Semi set jelly

Were back in the room now packing like beavers going away for the weekend. We have to be up at stupid o clock as usual on these things. I’m going to get in the breakfast room early and eat all the damn salami this time. I can’t believe I’ve only had it once this holiday. Dads shouting at me to stop writing this and come and help him pack. I won’t, he can sort out my socks and pants, I ain’t touching them!

German Holiday Part 3

25th September
View the video of yesterday and this morning in this video here

Finally we both had an uneventful nights sleep! Until 7am when dads alarm went off.  This was actually 6am back in England but they are an hour ahead of us over here for some reason.  Just to be different I think.  Dad farted around for an hour (breakfast was at half past 8).  God knows what he was doing, I tried to get some more sleep but the silly old sod was bumbling.  He even put the TV on, and watched the weather reports for Austria.  I don’t understand what goes on in his confused head.  Ever!

I finally got up and got dressed, then we went for breakfast.  Cue disappointment #37 their selections of meats and cheeses consisted of one highly processed pink circle of ‘meat’ which tasted like just protean slices, i.e. no flavour. And the cheese was just yellow, it had no taste either.  The breads were only one type and that type was crusty and dry!  All in all it was yet again, a disaster!  And their orange juice had bits in it!  The only ray of sunshine was that we got to eat it all on the table by ourselves again.  Thankfully this was due to some quick foot work by Cecil.  A pair of particularly grumpy biddies were attempting to come and sit at our table (even though I had already put my jacket down) but Cecil nipped in front of them and reclaimed our spot!

Today, in the morn, we went to Freiburg.  It wasa town or city I’m not sure which.  There was a market but it only sold fruit and veg, I was disinterested.  Cecil bloody loved it, he kept going up to the veg and touching, saying how big they were compared to ours.  He held up a particularly huge radish and told me to come and feel it.  I did not!  We walked around streets, the shops were too posh for us to go into apart from we had lunch at a McDonalds.  Dad wasn’t happy about this, he hates them and normally refuses to have anything to do with them, but I just marched in and demanded we have a burger, also I needed a poo very badly so I had to use the toilets.

We walked a bit more, never going in a single shop.  There was a woman, dressed in bright orange, being a statue, both me and Dad freaked out a bit and crossed the road and looked in the window of a gun shop.  We bought nothing at all.  There was a big church or something but Cecil was scared of the gargoyles so we couldn’t go in.

We then got back on the bus and went to the most amazing sounding place in the world (after the Isle of Lesbos)!  It was Lake Titisee! I prepared myself for wall to wall boobies.  And by prepare I mean got an instant erection.  Dad hadn’t said anything about coming to this place, I guess because if he had, he would have known how exited I would have been.

Spot the boobs

It took the longest 40 minutes of my life to get there.  But when we did, I jotted down holiday disappointment #40: There was not a single mention of boobs anywhere.  I was sickened.  If anything it should have been called Lake Disappointment and cuckoo clock.  Because there were about 10 shops and every single one of them sold cooku clocks.  And pretty much nothing else!  Dad wanted one and nearly bought one until he saw it cost over 1000 Euros!  For a clock!! Dad added it to his disappointment list.  We walked around every shop.  Until we came to the best shop I had seen so far.  It had an upstairs dedicated to Christmas decorations! It was a magical land.  I got so excited I even bought 3 things and took them to the till and paid for them myself.  And the person I bought them from was a woman.  At least I think it was a woman.  It was dead grumpy whatever it was.  How you could be grumpy working in a shop that not only sits on a beautiful lake side, in the heart of the Black Forest and also you’re working with Christmas things all day, I’ll never know.  Unless she was currently in an abusive relationship or something I guess.

Bland sausage

For lunch we had giant sausages, I assumed they would come in some kind of hot dog style bap/bun.  But no! The sausage was places next to 2 slices of dry thinly sliced brown bread, and we weren’t provided any butter.  It was a chore to eat.  Then when we went and paid the really grumpy woman ignored us for a while then took our money and didn’t even look at us.  She wouldn’t last long at Tesco!

We then started to walk back to the bus stop, but Cecil saw some weird booze in a shop so he went in.  There were a lot of open bottles on a counter top and several tiny glasses.  Cecil obviously thought you could taste the booze before you made a purchase so he started pouring himself a wee dram of some weird drink.  Then a man came running behind us shouting in German.  We didn’t know he was talking to us at first.  Then he grabbed Cecil by the shoulder.  Dad jumped and knocked a big bottle of something on the floor.  It smashed.  The German man violently pointed at a sign on the wall saying something about it not being self-service.  Dad made some gesture as if to say “I don’t understand” and he walked off.  I looked at the angry German man, who was just stood there looking stunned.  And I walked off.  The German man shouted something at us while we were walking but we didn’t care, we would never be back here again!

Cecil gave a wry smile, and said “I read the sign, I just didn’t think they would dare tell me not to drink, so I dropped the bottle on purpose” the naughty old scamp!
Watch the video of it here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kDUWV44__1Q

We got back on the bus and drove back to the hotel, on the way back the driver thought it would be high-larious to play a cd of a Scottish radio person doing phone pranks on people.  The biddies thought it was great fun.  But it was just an hour of Scottish people very angrily screaming at a man pretending to be someone demanding money or something who then said he was from the radio so the Scottish people then laughed.  I did not laugh!

We finally made it back to the hotel and had 20 minutes to get ready before the evenings meal.  We rushed and got ready.  And by got ready I mean Dad changed all his clothes, while I sat on my bed and ate a giant pretzel.  Then we went to tea.  The soup today was string, green and water.  I kid you not!  Cecil says it was probably celery, herbs and cream.  I had one spoonful just in case the pretty waitress was looking.  She didn’t so I spat it out into my napkin.  I then put the napkin in my pocket.  It soaked into my trousers almost instantly!

Then we waited.  We waited and waited.  We had sat down to eat the soup at 6:33pm.  Out next course wasn’t delivered till 7:29pm. The main course was semi raw pork, round potato things and a big pile of veg.  I left 80% of it.  The meat scared me, I have never seen pork that isn’t dry and like cardboard so I was scared of it.

Then we waited, our pudding was served at 8:19pm.  Dad was livid.  He hates waiting for food and to keep him hanging round for nearly 2 hours was almost enough to make him complain. He didn’t (apart from to me, almost constantly) but he said he would if it happened again tomorrow!

Then we had pudding, on the menu it was “Vanilla ice cream desert pudding” when it finally arrived, it was yoghurt with 3 small round dark berries in, I don’t know what.  Purple berries I guess.  I gave it to Dad.  He finished it in about 40 seconds; it was the smallest bowl you have ever seen.  Think of two egg cups combined to make one small bowl and you’re there.  Maybe, if you’re imagining the exact thing that we had our puddings served in.  Dad slammed down the bowl and got up and walked back to the room without thanking the waitress.  I tried to smile at her but only looked at my feet and mumbled something so inaudible I couldn’t even hear it.

We both sat writing our diaries now.  Well Dad wrote his usual one line which is “If I don’t find the key this will have been a giant waste of money and effort.  I hate Germany.  I love you Margaret”.

He’s been a right grumpy sod.  I don’t know where we’re going tomorrow or what we’re doing, Bigglesworth tells us nothing.  I think he said about 9 words today, which were “be back on the bus by 8:30am please, thank you” though I suppose he did say “be back on the bus by 4 o’clock please” so there is some variation there.