A trio of podcasts that we couldn’t, wouldn’t and shouldn’t have put out in time for Christmas. So listen as Paul is forced to work somewhere else, Sir Jeremy Preps to record his album and Paul finishes work for his Christmas holiday.
Welcome, pull up a headphone or speak, sit down relax, pour yourself an Advocaat. We welcome you to the Radio Thax Christmas podcast. Previously only available on YouTube, now yours to listen to via your favorite listening platform!
Hear a whole gaggle of Christmas music, Christmas acting, Christmas story homages and Christmas love, loss and loathing
Enjoy this Christmas tale with friends, lovers and the like. Enjoy, do!
Happy Christmas
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29th September
Watch the visuals of today here!
We were up at whatever time it is before the sun gets up. About 5am. We had a mad dash round and got the main luggage’s in the bus, then had to wait nearly an hour before they opened up the restaurant for breakfast. Dad was not happy. He’d been asleep all night snoring like a gibbon and keeping me from slumbering. I don’t know how mum sleeps in the same room as him. Not only does he snore but he speaks in his sleep too. He said “there’s mince on the valance” 4 times in the night!
When we finally got to get breakfast there was a whole plate of salami and no other ‘meats’ so I just took the whole plate. But a nasty Scottish woman challenged me and I had to take it back. I did help myself to 10 slices of it and 5 of cheese and 2 buns with poppy seeds on them. I hope I get drugged tested because I will test positive for opium, unless that’s an urban myth.
After breakfast we all sat on the bus and waited. We waited for half an hour and then Ian and Linda turned up. Clearly they had no breakfast and had slept through their alarm. Linda had a face like an angry German after she’s just heard they are all out of wiener schnitzel. They stormed to the back of the bus and we set off late. Bigglesworth was not happy!
We were on the bus for nigh on 5 hours until we had a stop at some services in Luxemburg. We couldn’t afford the sandwiches, they cost 5 Euros each and they all had salad in them. So I got some crisps and a bar of chocolate, but I was too sleepy to eat them. I had been drifting in an out of consciousness all morning on the bus. I kept seeing giant spiders; I think I must be very tired.
We set off from the services and almost immediately hit a traffic jam. Quite literally! We were slowing driving along with the traffic when some foolish person decided that they couldn’t be bothered sitting in a traffic jam so they reversed up the hard shoulder, trying to reverse passed us. The only problem was they had a trailer and as they reversed it went off at an angle and crashed into us as we were travelling about 15 miles an hour. There was a huge scraping noise and all the old ladies on the bus screamed. Bigglesworth shouted “agh ya French imbecile” and he stopped the bus and stormed out at the driver who had crashed into us. I couldn’t see the damage and still haven’t seen how bad it is, but several of the old men got off the bus and went to be nosy while Bigglesworth was taking the insurance details of the crasher.
We then sat in a traffic jam for about 3 hours. No one said anything for ages, until it became apparent that we might miss the ferry back to Hull because we were so delayed. But good old Biggleworth broke all the speed laws and he got us to the ferry on time! With almost 10 minutes to spare!
We got on the ferry with little bother, save for Dad got stopped going through the passport thing while 2 people had to come and look at his photo. I knew his weird expression on it would get us into trouble! When we got on the ferry it set off almost instantly. It’s not the same ferry we came on but it’s virtually identical, except that this one vibrates a bit more. I am terrified that we will have a repeat of Dads vomitothon tonight or that I will get sick too. No please don’t Neptune, I’ll be good!
We went for tea, it’s buffet all you can eat style but the prospect of sicking it all up again made me not want much. I only had 2 pizzas and 4 ice cream tubs. We sat in the bar for a long while, Cecil just looking off into the middle distance. He was apparently contemplating the whole ‘[SPOILER’] situation. Though he came to no conclusion. And also he kept having flash backs to being in the navy.
Were both in bed now. Not the same bed, I’m in the top bunk while Cecil is in the bottom bunk. My bed is again incredibly narrow, I just know I will fall out of it tonight. Not only that but our room is surrounded by German teenagers. I can clearly hear every word they are saying, unfortunately it’s all in German so I don’t know what they are talking about. Probably what’s hip, cool and ‘with it’ in the mean streets of Berlin (that’s what Dad thinks they are talking about). I wish they would shut up or sod off, preferably both! There is a gap of about 2 inches under the door so sound travels. They may as well be talking in our room. The whole boat is vibrating, it’s like sitting in a giant erm thing that vibrates.
I’m going to sleep now, I fear what the next 10 hours will hold!!
23rd September
I woke up by sliding off the bed at about half past 4 in the morning. Cecil was oblivious to my moans and cries for help. I wasn’t hurt but I was very confused. For several seconds I didn’t know where I was or what had happened. I sorted myself out, climbed into my bed and just to spite Cecil I shouted “all hands to battle stations!” He shot up and ran right into the wardrobe. He staggered back to bed and never mentioned it throughout the day.
I managed to sleep in till half past 11. We were due to get the train to Hull at ten to two. Dad shouted me out of bed, mostly because I hadn’t done anypacking and he also wanted to know what I wanted in my sandwiches. I chose ham, cheese, another kind of cheese and salami. And another thinner kind of ham.
By half past one me and dad were all set to go. Mum refused to see us off because she was annoyed that she wasn’t going now, but it’s her own fault, she could have come, she just had to say! We set off with 20 minutes to spare, which is good because
A) we were walking to the station and
B) dads bags weighed a ton. We made it to the station with 8 minutes to spare, which we were both very pleased with. Then came the announcement “The 13:51 train to Hull has been cancelled”. A look of horror and disbelief shot over dads face. He started crying openly. He went to ask the station train man if they would be putting a bus or another train on, but he just sneered at dad and said ‘no’.
Father was mortified; I was annoyed I wouldn’t get to sample the various continental meats and cheeses. Then a look came across dads face, a look of resolution and defiance. He marched back up to the train man and demanded they put on a taxi for us. The train man told him to ‘sod off’. Dad got angry and demanded to speak to his manager. He claimed he was the manager. Dad stormed off.
Quick as a flash I got on the phone to Len Shankroids, he owns a converted ice cream van which is now converted into a mini bus. One teary phone call later and he was on his way to pick us up.
We were in Hull by half past 3. Thank you Len, you’re a starman!
Then we waited for 30 minutes on the cold and windy bus concourse. The bus came at exactly 4 PM. The driver let everyone off for a wee. It was another sea of grey hairs, wrinkly faces and unpleasant old cleavages. We went and sat in our seats while everyone was away. When the biddys came back on they all looked at me with a look as if to say “what is this young man doing on our biddy bus, this is for the over 60’s only. You make me sick young man” I gave them a look which tried to say “I’m sorry I’m young, I’m only on here so me and my father can go to Germany to follow up a lead on a [SPOILER REMOVED] which might contain the riddles of the universe, don’t hate my youth” but I think I just looked constipated.
We got to the ferry terminal at about 5, and unlike the lax security down in Dover, there were random suitcase searches and bags x-rayed. And I’m excited to say my bag was x-rayed and I was frisked. Sadly not by the woman but by the man, luckily he didn’t try to check my member for hidden MI5 documents or knock off DVDs. I saw the x-ray of my bag, it looked interesting, it was all red and yellow, not like a bone x-ray, though Teddy Watkins was clearly visible, and the man smirked at me for having a teddy on holiday.
We eventually got on the ferry and it took an age to actually set off. But when it did it was bloody freezing because we were filming the outside for mum, so we came inside and had our free (eat as much as you want) meal. I had
• Soup, cream of chicken (3 bowls)
• Pork ribs (about 15)
• Poppadums’ (5)
• More poppadums’ (7)
• Roast potato (too many to count)
• 1 roast carrot (never again)
• Pots of cinder toffee ice cream (4)
• Pots of chocolate ice cream (2)
• A plate with crackers, cheese, salami, pepperoni and hams (a big plate x 3)
Then to finish it off I got a few hot chocolates from the free dispensing machine. I want to live here!
Then we went and sat in a bar for about 3 minutes until we got intimidated by some shaven headed men talking racistly.
We’re in the cabin now. Its 21:18. Dad refused to take the top bunk so I am sleeping high up in the highest bunk I have ever slept in. I’m terrified. There is no guard rail to stop me falling out; if I do I will smash my fragile head on a tiny table. And the boat is rocking quite badly. Dads asleep and mumbling about torpedoes or something. I’m going to try and get some sleep now.
I fear for my body.
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